To tell a friend not to wait at my door every morning

[BeepyBoo]

I have a friend who gets competitive about my friendships and the friendships our children have. Our two children are both the same age. Throughout primary school there has been a pattern of her not liking me talking to other Mums or liking it if my kids meet up with other kids. I like her, but I find her quite intense.

A year ago she started parking outside my house every morning early before school, so that she could drop her daughter off to walk into school with my daughter, because she didn’t like the fact that my daughter walked with friends from over the road. This means that her son rings our doorbell and they hang around outside, talking to my son at the door, waiting for me.

We walk into school together. We also walk home together. If I talk to another Mum she comes in the middle of us and totally takes over the conversation. Other Mums have noticed this and say she’s my little sidekick. She arranges get-togethers with them, which she loves to drop in the conversation.

I recently told her that she is coming round to my house too early because it is often in the middle of my son’s morning guitar practice, and it stops him practising. This has coincided with another event - she found out my son is doing cricket (he does every year) with most of the boys in the class, and her son isn’t. She found out my daughter plays at the park with friends during cricket and that made her anxious….there was an awkward play date where she said how upset her children are about it, and then she started dropping her daughter off at cricket.

Since I told her she was coming around too early, she is now ignoring me. Not coming around at all, keeping a distance on school runs, not responding to general WhatsApp messages (including me saying there is space at cricket if she wants to sign up). ?!? Any views on this please….., thank you

Thank goodness she has backed off. She sounds suffocating. I would just leave it. You can be polite even friendly when you see her but I wouldn't seek her out. I would be a little wary of her now as I've had negative experiences of people like this who blow very hot and cold.

Don’t react if she tries to cut you out of things. If other people have noticed her behaviour, they will sympathise with you.

There is a space at cricket

If her child really wants to do cricket he will hear about it and tell her.

You have the result you won’t, don’t poke sticks at the sleeping dog.

Be happy she's not pestering you anymore. If you instigate contact she'll go right back at it.

@BeepyBoo

My aim on the school run is to drop off/pick up two minutes late from opening. That way I avoid most parents. Only essential engagement in WhatsApp groups. A friendly hello if I happen to pass anyone on school run.

I detest all this bonkers, cliquey school mum behaviour. She is trying to control you, everyone. Just don’t engage.

You won't be the only school mum who can see what she's like. Just keep your distance and make arrangements to see other friends. And if anyone asks why she's being funny with you say something very vague and no assigning blame like "I think I accidentally upset her". There are people who will delight in running back to her with anything you say. She sounds like she could make things very difficult for you if she wanted to.

I have got an overbearing friend like this op. Can't begin to tell you how possessive and jealous she gets and if not with me, with our kids. I have stopped telling her what we are doing. I like her when she isn't being needy but she can be too much. Be glad this woman has backed off.

I had a friend like this. She was trying to control/infiltrate every aspect of my life and I felt so trapped because we work together and our kids are in the same class. She’d be at my house every single day and even started bringing her other friend! She would give me the silent treatment if I didn’t do what she wanted and I felt like I was walking on egg shells around her. One day I decided I’d just had enough and I stopped talking to her and distanced myself. Now we just blank each other and honestly I feel like I’ve got my life back. Although it can be awkward at times it was the best decision and I’m so glad I did it.

You are feeling the vacuum of her not being there all the time. It’s perfectly understandable that once you step outside her cloying overbearing focus it will feel a little breezy. Walk to school with friend over the road, dd can play during cricket, invite someone else round or just go somewhere fun.

You haven't done anything wrong. Don't undo the boundary-setting you have achieved by chasing her for replies to messages. Just be casual when you are in her company. You are worried that she is popular and you may be excluded but I bet she will want to be too invested in other friendships and people will quickly back off from her.

I'd suggest moving your friendship group away from the school gate, sounds like some people have yet to grow up.

I can't deal with communicating with anyone on the school run (bar the odd "morning") as my eyes are everywhere taking 4 kids to school. And I'm usually stressed or running late.
Tell her straight or she'll never stop.

Yep this sounds like a great result to me. Well done OP!

I couldn’t be arsed with that level of neediness. She sounds like a pain in the arse who is trying to control you and micro manage yours and your kids lives.

I would be thankful she’s no longer pestering you and I’d be busy if she ever asked to meet up!

'she is now ignoring me. Not coming around at all, keeping a distance on school runs, not responding to general WhatsApp messages'

That's an excellent result.

Never let her back into your life again. Block her on everything and blank her.

If I talk to another Mum she comes in the middle of us and totally takes over the conversation. Other Mums have noticed this and say she’s my little sidekick. She arranges get-togethers with them, which she loves to drop in the conversation

This suggests that others are on to her. The best thing you can do is say absolutely nothing negative about her and widen your friendship groups and independent meet ups with other mothers. The more she grabs the narrative and is negative about you the more you shrug your shoulders and say “I don’t know why she’s angry’ and never say anything negative, then people will quickly work out where the toxicity is coming from if they haven’t already. You also don’t know who has seen her behave like this before or been on the receiving end. No doubt she will lock on to someone else.

I think you were supposed to be honoured by her attention, and jealous of her arranging to meet up with others. You were supposed to be her lapdog.

While you said nothing she could believe that you did feel those things. But now in asking her not to be so early you've shown that you don't. So she's punishing you, and no doubt would like to think that it's eating you up that she no longer even acknowledges your existence.

She'll try to find someone else to bask in the glory of being her chosen one. You're well out of it, keep it that way. And she may try to reel you back in when she realises that you're managing very well without her, so be on your guard.

I understand your concern about the punishment part although I wouldn’t pander to that as that’s exactly the response she’s looking for.

what I don’t understand is that the other parents have pointed out her weird behaviour so why are they playing in to the weirdness.
I assume that why you are mentioning that she is in with the other parents because they also freeze you out while she is in punishment mode. Or am I mistaken?

OP, do you really need this kind of drama in your life? No, just let her go do her thing. Don't send her any messages. Say a polite hello if you see her. If she returns to being on your doorstep in the mornings remind her that it's not convenient for you. You don't need a friend like this.

You can’t expect reasonable behavior from an unreasonable person.

She clearly has issues. Do not contact her because she will view it as you chasing her. Be thankful that she has backed off with relatively minimal drama - keep your distance, keep your boundary.

You think you will be excluded by other parents? I think the normal, reasonable parents who you would like to mix with are well aware (or soon will be) of how intense and unreasonable this woman is and will soon follow your lead.

Sounds like you are well rid! Dont worry about it, she sounds horrendous and needy.

She's either super controlling or terribly insecure. I think insecure probably

Single white female and stalker were my first thoughts reading this.

When she starts speaking to you again, you need to do a slow fade.

I think she will trip herself up in time and other mums will see her true colours. She sounds as insecure as she is jealous. I suggest you stay in the long grass, smile at everyone and keep a dignified silence. It won’t be easy for you but it will pass.

I agree with this.
You are well rid for now but she may well have second thoughts so be ready...