To tell a friend not to wait at my door every morning

[BeepyBoo]

I have a friend who gets competitive about my friendships and the friendships our children have. Our two children are both the same age. Throughout primary school there has been a pattern of her not liking me talking to other Mums or liking it if my kids meet up with other kids. I like her, but I find her quite intense.

A year ago she started parking outside my house every morning early before school, so that she could drop her daughter off to walk into school with my daughter, because she didn’t like the fact that my daughter walked with friends from over the road. This means that her son rings our doorbell and they hang around outside, talking to my son at the door, waiting for me.

We walk into school together. We also walk home together. If I talk to another Mum she comes in the middle of us and totally takes over the conversation. Other Mums have noticed this and say she’s my little sidekick. She arranges get-togethers with them, which she loves to drop in the conversation.

I recently told her that she is coming round to my house too early because it is often in the middle of my son’s morning guitar practice, and it stops him practising. This has coincided with another event - she found out my son is doing cricket (he does every year) with most of the boys in the class, and her son isn’t. She found out my daughter plays at the park with friends during cricket and that made her anxious….there was an awkward play date where she said how upset her children are about it, and then she started dropping her daughter off at cricket.

Since I told her she was coming around too early, she is now ignoring me. Not coming around at all, keeping a distance on school runs, not responding to general WhatsApp messages (including me saying there is space at cricket if she wants to sign up). ?!? Any views on this please….., thank you

She sounds unbearable, I would be relieved she's backed off. She clearly didn't like you having boundaries. Maybe she thinks you will go grovelling to her.

She arranges get-togethers with them, which she loves to drop in the conversation.

So she's arranging get-togethers with these people but gets annoyed if you meet with them separately? Did she invite you to these get-togethers or were you excluded?

Sounds like the silence from her is a relief, tbh. I'd fine her unbearable.

She needs to grow up by the sound of it.

Well at first glance it seems you've cracked it and managed to ditch her and life can get back to normal with no more early doorbell interruptions or inappropriate demands on you or your children for time and attention.

You may, not unreasonably, have envisaged a middle ground of being 'normal' friends with this person but with some people that's not possible, it's their way or no way. Given those two options I'm thinking 'no way' is the better one going forward.

Why are you now chasing her? You have got what you wanted - she’s stopped doing it, but now you keep messaging her and even suggesting her son signs up for cricket!
If she had signed him up for cricket herself, you’d be using that as another example of her annoying behaviour.

It sounds like she’s got the message, so just be thankful about that.

I think you just have to remember that other people (even very unreasonable people like her) have their own thoughts and feelings and you don’t get to decide what they should be. She’s stopped doing what you asked her to stop doing but you can’t make her be happy about it too and act totally normally otherwise!

This would really annoy me though and I would also have asked her to stop, but you must have realised you can’t just say something like that in isolation, especially being the sort of person she is.

I would enjoy the peace if I was you and leave her to it.

YANBU to tell your friend not to come round early. YABU to give her nonsensical behaviour any further thought. It all sounds stifling.

It sounds like your problem has resolved itself. She's no longer coming to the house early in the morning and is avoiding you at school. Sounds ideal. Just leave her to it. She's sounds like an absolute pest.

I think that this is punishment, yes. I’ve experienced little punishments before. If I’ve been arranging play dates or speaking with other Mums a bit I get ignored and excluded for a while. She’s very ‘in’ with other Mums and arranges a lot of get together and play dates, so on my part I now am expecting to be shut out a bit, which doesn’t feel nice.

It’s as if she likes to be in control of everyone and who they see.

Aww how annoying would that be, every single school morning. I would be completely happy to be ignored under these circumstances, she will soon find someone else to replicate this scenario, you see.

I’m not chasing. But like the above poster said, I would have expected some level of normal…..if she was reasonable. Also, she is in with everybody else, so I assume I will now be excluded, for saying something about how early she comes round and the fact my kids do cricket and hers don’t.

So she's a massive controlling hypocrite who expects you and your dc to only have her and her dc as friends, but is happy to broaden her own and her kids social circle.

I'm slightly concerned that you still want to be friends with her?! Why are you so attached to her?

Since I told her she was coming around too early, she is now ignoring me. Not coming around at all, keeping a distance on school runs, not responding to general WhatsApp messages (including me saying there is space at cricket if she wants to sign up). ?!? Any views on this please….., thank you

Wins all round IMO

Just leave her. She has backed off which is what you wanted and needed. Too bad that she seems to have taken offence and withdrawn completely. That's her choice.
Leave her be. Continue as you have been before. You now chasing her is blurring boundaries yet again.

'she is now ignoring me.'

The ideal outcome. Enjoy the peace.

She obviously is either all in or all out.
Ignore her behaviour because it'll only make sense to her.

OP, do you think she has spotted how well liked you are with everyone, therefore has made a bee line for you as her ‘bestie’ but really it’s just so she can manage your relationships with others, i.e, keeping you in the shadows by control while she gets tries to ‘steal’ the other moms away?

I have known people like this, actually had it with a male work colleague and I absolutely hated myself for allowing him to control my work relationships and listen to him slagging off everyone! He wanted to use me to ‘get in there’ with others and would love telling me about nights out etc (which he wouldn’t tell me about beforehand but would guilt trip me terribly if I went anywhere he didn’t know about!)

She sounds like a nightmare tbh. She's obviously only able to be all or nothing with you for some reason...I would take the nothing if I was you.

Be polite but why are you encouraging her to sign up her kids to cricket, you know how it'll end up?

It's hardly a punishment if it means you don't have to interact with her. It sounds like a win.

is here name Amanda ? Have you seen Motherland? I would be thanking my lucky stars and hoping it is permenant.

Sounds like a win, if she's now ignoring you. I'd just enjoy the peace.

Don’t assume other people are as ill mannered as she is

Continue chatting as normal to other people, inviting play dates and doing your children’s activities.

It’s unsettling to be ignored and have such a change in the relationship so suddenly, but you’re just going to have to take it as a win OP.

All you did was tell her she was popping round too early and it was disturbing a music lesson. If that’s all it took to get her in such a twist you’re better off without her. Get stuck into arranging some coffee/play dates with other mums and hopefully having a bit of peace back in your life!

Double post sorry 😔

Surely the way she was carrying on screamed out that she was anything BUT reasonable? Honestly, thank your lucky stars. You've missed a bullet. Enjoy your new freedom and don't send out mixed messages by reaching out to her again. You either wanted her to back off or you didn't.

I would say let the dust settle. You aren't being unreasonable from what you say.

Trying to think from her perspective maybe she doesn't live a walk-able distance to school and so wanted her kids to do morning walk. Some people need to take over a conversation and I often think that's something that hasn't been learned whilst young as in how converstaion works, maybe she is anxious for some reason, but she sounds immature that she is blanking you now.

I certainly wouldn't be messaging/chasing someone, as for someone who is immature that could make them think you are grovelling and they have "power".

I hear what you are saying about cliques at school. If that's the case, that'll be unfortunate if you are "left out", has happened to us before. To combat that I put a lot of time into extra-curricular clubs to make sure children friendships aren't just in the school bubble which was a success. Once kids hit about 8 I found that friendships were based on their own personalities, not so much on who the parents are friends with or wanting them to be friends with and also it's normal to go on playdates without the parents and all that's needed is a short hello/goodbye at pickup and drop off.

With regards to little punishments she gives you, after the first that'd be a red flag and the second one you should have put firm boundaries in place. It sounds like she has issues, whether anxiety or lacking emotional intelligence. She's being disrespectful now with the blanking you. If I was in your position I would hold firm and not contact her again, but if she ever contacted me I would keep it short, concise and polite, using as little words as possible in text. If I had to be near her at school I would be polite and move on. I would also be mindful mentioning this to anyone/gossiping about this in real life.

Good luck in navigating this situation, whichever way you decide. You deserve to be respected and she is disrespecting you, you don't need that in your life.