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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

To tell a friend not to wait at my door every morning

129 replies

BeepyBoo · 13/05/2024 09:55

I have a friend who gets competitive about my friendships and the friendships our children have. Our two children are both the same age. Throughout primary school there has been a pattern of her not liking me talking to other Mums or liking it if my kids meet up with other kids. I like her, but I find her quite intense.

A year ago she started parking outside my house every morning early before school, so that she could drop her daughter off to walk into school with my daughter, because she didn’t like the fact that my daughter walked with friends from over the road. This means that her son rings our doorbell and they hang around outside, talking to my son at the door, waiting for me.

We walk into school together. We also walk home together. If I talk to another Mum she comes in the middle of us and totally takes over the conversation. Other Mums have noticed this and say she’s my little sidekick. She arranges get-togethers with them, which she loves to drop in the conversation.

I recently told her that she is coming round to my house too early because it is often in the middle of my son’s morning guitar practice, and it stops him practising. This has coincided with another event - she found out my son is doing cricket (he does every year) with most of the boys in the class, and her son isn’t. She found out my daughter plays at the park with friends during cricket and that made her anxious….there was an awkward play date where she said how upset her children are about it, and then she started dropping her daughter off at cricket.

Since I told her she was coming around too early, she is now ignoring me. Not coming around at all, keeping a distance on school runs, not responding to general WhatsApp messages (including me saying there is space at cricket if she wants to sign up). ?!? Any views on this please….., thank you

OP posts:
WimseyofBalliol · 13/05/2024 12:43

drusth · 13/05/2024 12:37

The so what is it's upsetting when someone ghosts you when you haven't done anything wrong.

OP is better off without her but she can still be upset.

Show quote history

But the friend thinks she has. The OP can’t enforce her own sense of normal boundaries on other people, or make them see their own behaviour as she does. All she can do is be glad the obtrusive behaviour is over.

drusth · 13/05/2024 12:46

WimseyofBalliol · 13/05/2024 12:43

But the friend thinks she has. The OP can’t enforce her own sense of normal boundaries on other people, or make them see their own behaviour as she does. All she can do is be glad the obtrusive behaviour is over.

Show quote history

I think she will be glad when some time has passed, she's probably a bit raw now about it all.

Aquamarine1029 · 13/05/2024 12:50

Since I told her she was coming around too early, she is now ignoring me. Not coming around at all, keeping a distance on school runs, not responding to general WhatsApp messages (including me saying there is space at cricket if she wants to sign up). ?!? Any views on this please…

This is the best thing that's ever happened to you, honestly. This woman was low level stalking you. She's controlling, suffocating and manipulative. Good riddance to her. I can't believe you tolerated this nonsense for as long as you did.

ImCamembertTheBigCheese · 13/05/2024 12:53

Any views on this please…..

Result! She sounds awful, I'd be glad of the peace and quiet tbh.

RainbowZebraWarrior · 13/05/2024 12:55

Aquamarine1029 · 13/05/2024 12:50

Since I told her she was coming around too early, she is now ignoring me. Not coming around at all, keeping a distance on school runs, not responding to general WhatsApp messages (including me saying there is space at cricket if she wants to sign up). ?!? Any views on this please…

This is the best thing that's ever happened to you, honestly. This woman was low level stalking you. She's controlling, suffocating and manipulative. Good riddance to her. I can't believe you tolerated this nonsense for as long as you did.

Absolutely This.

MumblesParty · 13/05/2024 12:56

She sounds like a nightmare, who has flounced now she’s not getting her own way. I would use this opportunity to increase your contact with other mums, especially if you’re worried about being excluded from things.

Likewhatever · 13/05/2024 12:57

Dont give her the reaction she’s after. Behave completely normally towards her. Ignore her behaviour. Sulks only work when somebody notices.

Conniebygaslight · 13/05/2024 13:11

BeepyBoo · 13/05/2024 09:55

I have a friend who gets competitive about my friendships and the friendships our children have. Our two children are both the same age. Throughout primary school there has been a pattern of her not liking me talking to other Mums or liking it if my kids meet up with other kids. I like her, but I find her quite intense.

A year ago she started parking outside my house every morning early before school, so that she could drop her daughter off to walk into school with my daughter, because she didn’t like the fact that my daughter walked with friends from over the road. This means that her son rings our doorbell and they hang around outside, talking to my son at the door, waiting for me.

We walk into school together. We also walk home together. If I talk to another Mum she comes in the middle of us and totally takes over the conversation. Other Mums have noticed this and say she’s my little sidekick. She arranges get-togethers with them, which she loves to drop in the conversation.

I recently told her that she is coming round to my house too early because it is often in the middle of my son’s morning guitar practice, and it stops him practising. This has coincided with another event - she found out my son is doing cricket (he does every year) with most of the boys in the class, and her son isn’t. She found out my daughter plays at the park with friends during cricket and that made her anxious….there was an awkward play date where she said how upset her children are about it, and then she started dropping her daughter off at cricket.

Since I told her she was coming around too early, she is now ignoring me. Not coming around at all, keeping a distance on school runs, not responding to general WhatsApp messages (including me saying there is space at cricket if she wants to sign up). ?!? Any views on this please….., thank you

I had a friend like this many years ago and it became a nightmare. I doubt she will take any criticism from you well, which is why she's ignoring you. You really need to stay away from her....do not be tempted to reach out asking if you've done anything wrong, this is what she wants. Stay on the track of no contact....it really is the best way to be. I suspect she has a history of this behaviour.

Pinkyhere · 13/05/2024 13:22

Like pps have said, don't react. She is hoping for a dramatic confrontation with you. Ignore and branch our with new friends for kids and you.
I'm sure she will try and latch on to someone new and slowly people will realise she's intense and annoying etc

Aavalon57 · 13/05/2024 13:26

This is your chance to escape her clutches. Maybe your children are friends and best friends with hers because she's engineered it that way. She will probably now make a beeline for someone else to do the same thing with them while trying to exclude you. I would start to cultivate relationships with other mums more and maintain a polite distance with her. Everyone will hopefully soon get tired of her and her antics.

Nanny0gg · 13/05/2024 13:28

BeepyBoo · 13/05/2024 09:55

I have a friend who gets competitive about my friendships and the friendships our children have. Our two children are both the same age. Throughout primary school there has been a pattern of her not liking me talking to other Mums or liking it if my kids meet up with other kids. I like her, but I find her quite intense.

A year ago she started parking outside my house every morning early before school, so that she could drop her daughter off to walk into school with my daughter, because she didn’t like the fact that my daughter walked with friends from over the road. This means that her son rings our doorbell and they hang around outside, talking to my son at the door, waiting for me.

We walk into school together. We also walk home together. If I talk to another Mum she comes in the middle of us and totally takes over the conversation. Other Mums have noticed this and say she’s my little sidekick. She arranges get-togethers with them, which she loves to drop in the conversation.

I recently told her that she is coming round to my house too early because it is often in the middle of my son’s morning guitar practice, and it stops him practising. This has coincided with another event - she found out my son is doing cricket (he does every year) with most of the boys in the class, and her son isn’t. She found out my daughter plays at the park with friends during cricket and that made her anxious….there was an awkward play date where she said how upset her children are about it, and then she started dropping her daughter off at cricket.

Since I told her she was coming around too early, she is now ignoring me. Not coming around at all, keeping a distance on school runs, not responding to general WhatsApp messages (including me saying there is space at cricket if she wants to sign up). ?!? Any views on this please….., thank you

Result!

Let her get on with it!

LakeTiticaca · 13/05/2024 14:44

She's ignoring you now. I'd call that a win.
You've got your life back. No more having her hanging around like a bad smell 😉

Beautiful3 · 13/05/2024 14:48

I'd take this as a good thing. Enjoy the silence as she clearly lacks the capacity to be normal. In a year's time you're going to hear another mum complain about her, in exactly the same way. Trust me!

sonjadog · 13/05/2024 14:48

YABU to not be taking this opportunity and running with it! Thankfully you have got rid to her without much bother. Now you and your children can socialise like normal people. I wouldn't worry about her shutting you out from other social groups. No-one is going to put up with her behaviour for long.

MzHz · 13/05/2024 14:57

Honestly @BeepyBoo give thanks to god she’s backed off!

others will see what she’s like soon enough

good riddance- don’t let it get to you

Andanotherone01 · 13/05/2024 15:12

There is one like this at my DDs' school. Be very grateful that she is totally ignoring you and use the opportunity to bin her off. You'll thank yourself for it. People like this are bat shit and will never change - just become more and more awful.

paddlinglikecrazy · 13/05/2024 15:17

This is your opportunity to step away from her control. She sounds like a huge drain on your life. There will be others that find her unbearable too, book some coffees in with different people, you deserve better friends.
Do not message her again and don’t let her worm her way back in.

brogueish · 13/05/2024 15:27

Yeah she sounds like a nightmare.

It makes me cringe a bit though because I wonder if this is how I come across sometimes. I'm autistic. I don't get the normal give and take of social interactions - I try so hard to get it right that I often get it wrong.

She might be punishing you, but she might also be completely mortified that she misjudged the situation and got it wrong, again, with someone who she thought she was friends with.

PretendToBeToastWithMe · 13/05/2024 15:28

Yikes. She sounds quite controlling and a bit scary in a stalker type way. This doesn’t sound like a nice friendship for you and she doesn’t sound like a stable adult to have around your children. I agree with PP, let her move onto someone else!

Bringbackspring · 13/05/2024 15:29

I'd be glad to have someone this hard work decide to completely ignore me. I'd just leave her to it, she doesn't sound stable quite honestly and you don't want that to be your problem.

BoudiccaOfSuburbia · 13/05/2024 16:07

You have done nothing wrong.

Let it lie.

Walk to school with your friend from over the road as you used to.

Arrange play dates and get togethers with other parents as normal. Don’t make any specific approaches to her.

Blimey I would have told her I wouldn’t answer the door until we were ready to go. Perfectly reasonable to tell her your Ds has guitar practice til xx time. She is a piece of work.

YourWildAmberSloth · 13/05/2024 16:08

Be grateful that she has backed off, and keep your distance from now on. I wouldn't overthink it tbh. She sounds intense, and with some people its 'all or nothing'. I would take this as a win and move on.

Mummyofbananas · 13/05/2024 16:20

I have a friend a bit like this- she only has one child and she always wants them to play with mine. If my kids are out with others she'll invite them up to her house and she gets put out if we make plans with others- it gets a bit intense, Sometimes I feel like she thinks my middle child is just there to amuse her child and not actually a person in his own right. I have to pull back sometimes.

KreedKafer · 13/05/2024 17:05

Throughout primary school there has been a pattern of her not liking me talking to other Mums or liking it if my kids meet up with other kids.

Haven't even read any further than the line above and I already know your friend is completely nuts.

WonderingWanda · 13/05/2024 17:46

If she's now ignoring you that sounds like an absolute result. She sounds like a nutcase. If she does start up with the ringing the bell then tell your kids not to answer. Or leave earlier and walk to a shop or someone elses house and say 'oh, we promised we'd call for so and so today'.