I've been a dickhead. How can I fix?

[GroundToSwallowMeUp]

At a party, I was talking to a lifelong friend of mine (let's call her Olivia) (her dad died recently - they were very close - he was only 60). Olivia is really struggling. All her worst traits have come out x 1000 (being bitchy and gossipy) - she has heart of gold but since losing her dad a couple of months ago - she spends most of her time complaning or bitching. Olivia is also v v pretty and glam and confident.

At the party - I introduce her to a new friend of mine (Sarah) who is so lovely. Sarah is the nicest woman in the world. Not v glam, v different lifestyle to my friend.

As Sarah was leaving - Olivia was taking the piss out of her - being what she thought was funny (she had a wine or 7) but was quite cruel. I didn't laugh along, I just moved conversation on quickly or might have said 'oh stop' but not too seriously. I certainly didn't have a go at Olivia.

I thought Sarah was miles away but possibly not. Sarah is now ignoring me. I've convinced she has heard.

I should have been stronger with Olivia and pulled her up. It was the awkwardness, the fact she's so volatile about her dad, I've known Olivia 20 years and Sarah only a matter of months - so guess my loyalty felt off or that it wasn't that serious

But now i feel awful. I've convinced Sarah has heard and she is the nicest, kindest woman.

What do I do? i've screwed up our friendship haven't i?

What do you mean by Sarah is ignoring you? Face to face or via text?

You apologise, you say I felt so uncomfortable when she made those comments I didn't know what to say, I didn't like the comments she made but she's just lost her dad, she's not handling things well and I hesitated because I know she can be volatile. I should've spoken up and I regret that I didn't, I'm sorry

Poor Sarah, Olivia is an absolute bitch and losing her dad doesn't give her free reign to be cruel and nasty. Is it not more likely that its that she v v pretty and glam that let's her get away with her horrible behaviour?

Poor Sarah.
All you can do is apologise and explain what happened. To be honest, even though I'd forgive you, it would effect how I felt about being around you in the future.

i would say that but hard as Sarah hasn't bought it up - she's just not replying to any messages for days & she usually replies instantly. I think she left early because she wasn't comfortable around Olivia but she was being perfectly pleasant to me as she said goodbye, and then as she was getting her bag - that's when olivia made remarks about her.

do i proactively bring it up? Message her and ask if she is upset about the party and does she want to talk about it? or do i just leave it and accept sarah quite understandably ghosting me?

If you want to be her friend yes be proactive, bring it up, apologise and clear the air.

What did Olivia say about her? I think it's relevant as to whether you should have piped up there and then to shut her up.

I'd apologise to Sarah for Olivia's behaviour. I'd probably say that grief seems to have brought out her worst traits, but that it's no excuse and you're sorry if Sarah felt uncomfortable.

I've been in situations similar to Sarah, where I've left a social setting feeling a bit bullied and targeted. It's a horrible feeling.

@ToxicChristmas I understand that. I'm such a pathetic people pleaser sometimes - just do anything to avoid the conflict.

You don’t have to be specific but you can apologise to S for O’s behaviour and say that you hope it didn’t spoil her night x

What did Olivia actually say?

Yes, I would bring it up. Tell her you were silent because of her dad’s death and that you’re sorry.

Be honest with Sarah and tell her you feel awful and you know you’re a dickhead.

I wouldn't be too proactive and assume she heard. Maybe she just doesn't want to hang around with someone who has friends like Oliva, maybe her phone has died, maybe she's ill or some major thing has happened in her family.

If she didn't hear and you apologise for your mate bitching about her then that would be awful.

I do understand, you obviously are not a bad person. I'd just be really hurt and the trust would be massively dented. You haven't had her back and she was in a situation with new people.
Hopefully you can clear everything up.

No advice here but I feel very sad for Sarah.
No way would I give a Person as mean as Olivia, the time of day!

How are you people pleasing here? Sarah's not being pleased? Just Olivia the bully!

How old are you? This all sounds very ‘Mean Girls’.

I’ve been in a similar position to Sarah. Worst example was being over my paternal grandparents’ house and hearing my father’s new partner slagging me off behind my back as I returned from the toilet and they agreed with her! They were moaning about how fussy I was with food, which was a load of bollocks. I was more into Italian and Indian food, which they didn’t like. A big reason for this being I’m vegetarian and the veggie options are nicer! This nasty piece of work had only been with my father for a year and known me for a few months. I didn’t say anything but on reflection I wished I had.

How many days have passed since the party? If it were me I’d only bite the bullet and confront the situation as others have suggested If it’s getting on for a week since. People sometimes go off the radar unexpectedly for a few days. I’ve been known to inadvertently not reply to WhatsApp messages because I’d not seen them for a week.

I agree with this.
I also don't see how grief over her fathers death excuses your friend Olivia's behaviour in any way at all . Many many people deal with grief and manage not to use it as an excuse to hurt other people's feelings.
Edited as I've just seen your update. So it would seem Olivia is just an unpleasant person if she has been nasty all through her father's illness. Wanting other people to be miserable because things aren't going right for her.

Does Olivia's dad dying get a look in? he was ill for a long time and she was lookign after him by herself - she has been very stressed and quite depressed at times.

she has been cruel about other people during the entire thing. perhaps i need to talk to her. she did always have a bit of this in her, she was the one who might make a funny but somewhat judgemental comment in your ear.

She made a joke about Sarah's kid. And her apperance. it wasn't ok at all.

She was a bitch about a child?! Fucking foul. And no her Dad passing doesn't get a look in.
Are you really the 'Olivia'?

Olivia sounds like a nasty piece of work that I would not be friends with.

Well, no, not really. Grief isn't an excuse to be an absolute arsehole about someone's child (!) and their appearance. I can understand depression and being grumpy and out of sorts. I've suffered severe depression and had a nervous breakdown so I do understand how it can feel. It's still OK to tell her to pack it in though, being sad doesn't give you carte blanche to behave any way you choose and hurt other people.

Oh and to add, don't think she hasn't talked about you like this as well. You say she has form prior to depression -I'd put money on her talking shit behind your back too.

Sarah,
I am so sorry that I didn't stick up for you the other day. I was a dickhead and a coward. I disagree with everything Olivia said but I was being too nice and feeling so sorry about her dad.
With hindsight I should have spoken about this and told her how wrong she was and how angry I was with her, rather than taking the coward's way out.
I apologise and I really value our friendship. I have been an idiot and it won't happen again (not least because I have put distance between me and Olivia).
If you want to get in touch I am here, but I do understand I have let you down.