I've been a dickhead. How can I fix?

[GroundToSwallowMeUp]

At a party, I was talking to a lifelong friend of mine (let's call her Olivia) (her dad died recently - they were very close - he was only 60). Olivia is really struggling. All her worst traits have come out x 1000 (being bitchy and gossipy) - she has heart of gold but since losing her dad a couple of months ago - she spends most of her time complaning or bitching. Olivia is also v v pretty and glam and confident.

At the party - I introduce her to a new friend of mine (Sarah) who is so lovely. Sarah is the nicest woman in the world. Not v glam, v different lifestyle to my friend.

As Sarah was leaving - Olivia was taking the piss out of her - being what she thought was funny (she had a wine or 7) but was quite cruel. I didn't laugh along, I just moved conversation on quickly or might have said 'oh stop' but not too seriously. I certainly didn't have a go at Olivia.

I thought Sarah was miles away but possibly not. Sarah is now ignoring me. I've convinced she has heard.

I should have been stronger with Olivia and pulled her up. It was the awkwardness, the fact she's so volatile about her dad, I've known Olivia 20 years and Sarah only a matter of months - so guess my loyalty felt off or that it wasn't that serious

But now i feel awful. I've convinced Sarah has heard and she is the nicest, kindest woman.

What do I do? i've screwed up our friendship haven't i?

No, her dad dying does not get a look in. Olivia behaved appallingly and a dead parent does not mitigate this one jot.
I wouldn’t want an embarrassing cruel ‘friend’ like this, I’d cut her off, apologise to Sarah and tell her you are no longer friends with Olivia.
If I had heard someone insult my kid’s appearance they’d be lucky to get away in one piece.

Olivia doesn't sound very nice. No matter who dies in my life, I can easily promise you that I will never make jokes about a child's appearance.

Maybe try messaging Sarah and saying you're starting to see that Olivia's behaviour is really out of order and you've been letting her get away with it for far too long because of your shared history. Something like that.

Someone suggested she might not have heard but has been put off our friendship because of the bitchy/gossipy vibe that Olivia created and I allowed. I think that is quite possible. I feel if Sarah had heard the actual joke she'd have said something. I don't know. I've been on eggshells with Olivia for 2 years now so have gotten used to having to say "Olivia, you can't say that" as she laughs it off. She's always been a bit catty but since her dad got ill she seems to cheer herself up but feeling superior over people.

I don’t think using her bereavement as an excuse for her behaviour is ok. Nor do I think it’s ok for you to listen to her and just say oh stop. It in itself is mean girl , it gives tacit approval.

id text Sarah and say is everything ok. You’ve been very quiet, I’m sorry about Olivia, I know she’s hard work at the moment, she had a bereavement, and it’s been very difficult.

but I don’t think there is any excuse really for you to have basically stood and listened like that, and from Sarah’s perspective it would have been very hurtful

If you’re not sure if she heard then you can just make your apology more general. “I hope Olivia didn’t spoil your evening, she was being absolutely vile to everyone all night. I’ve had a word with her”

Olivia sounds horrible

I'd be wary of contacting Sarah to apologise. If she didn't hear, then you'll make the situation worse

Tricky

@juniorspesh good advice

Olivia is just a nasty insecure cow. Yes some people get angry when grieving but not by saying bitchy comments about someone's child.

I reckon she just doesn't want to associate with bullies, this happened to me. I didn't want to know any of them, they just sat around being catty and bratty. I'm really against bullies so i never spoke to any of them again even if the one girl was ok but she still sat there and enjoyed the night whilst they all bitched so i couldn't trust her.

Losing a parent isn’t a get out of jail free card. If a bereavement makes you nasty and cruel, it’s because you’re fundamentally nasty and cruel, bereavement or no bereavement. Olivia sounds horrendous to be honest.

I had something a little similar except an old friend had an actual falling out with the woman she was bitching about to me. To be honest I was so caught off guard by the bitching that I thought my friend was joking and I let it go on for longer than I otherwise would have before deflecting and changing the subject.

I didn’t say anything to the woman in question about the incident because I don’t take responsibility for other people’s actions, I have spoken to the woman in question many times since and just continued being friendly to her because I like her. You cannot control how other people see you, you’ll tie yourself in knots, don’t even try. Just be yourself.

So your friend made an awful joke about Sarahs child and you let it slide? That’s very poor of you Op.

She’s probably decided not to bother with you.

Yes it is very poor of me @tennesseewhiskey1

I am trying not to focus on Olivia - i can't control her - but instead think about my own weakness in that moment. i didn't make the joke. i didn't laugh at the joke. but i didn't pull her up properly and instead just awkwardkly tried to move the conversation on.

sarah still hasn't replied to me. i've only known her a few months but we live close, our kids play together, and she's always been so generous and kind. i feel absolutely shit about it. i will give her a couple more days then try to call her to discuss it and apologise, but i guess if she doens't pick up - i have to leave it. it's going to be v awkward as our kids will go to same school in Sep.

Oh that’s a shame, it will be awkward? Seriously?🤯

@Sunnyandsilly what's wrong with that? it will be awkward. awkward because i fucked up our friendship and now we hvae to see each other every morning for the next 6 years.

I think you are unfairly taking a lot of responsibility for your friend’s behaviour here. The other woman is entitled to find you guilty by association but there were extenuating circumstances to your actions, who wants to come down like a tonne of bricks on someone recently bereaved even if they are being a dickhead? You need to be kinder to yourself, you know the issues you were dealing with in the moment even if Sarah never forgives you, you need to allow yourself some grace.

Op, this. I don't think a text exchange is the way to go here, don't do that.

Call in and do this face to face. You'll feel a bit awkward at first but you will feel so good for doing the right thing afterwards, you already know it's the right thing to do.

As for Olivia, when I read she has been slagging off Sarah's child, oh I saw red! That is really low. I would be absolutely boiling up over that.

Good luck.

I think you've left an apology too late for Sarah to actually like you again. But maybe she'll pretend for the kids' sake

Op it is so hard to know what to do when there things happen in the moment. Very few people would get it right I suspect. Just talk to Sarah, she sounds lovely, and by what you say she will listen. But don't leave it let it fester under the carpet.

It does sound like, as said upthread somewhere, that she didn't like the vibe of the group dynamic. Well ok, she's entitled to feel how she feels. But you aren't responsible for that, for all the other people. I think I it would be worth your while to clear the air, you're so worried and you will feel so good after you do something! Go easy on yourself here. No need to self bash.

I think you won't have to worry, if Sarah did hear, do you not think she'll keep her child well away from people who were being nasty about her?

Not sure how you'd fix that one. You've showed her a different side of your personality - the person who stands by and does nothing while her mate is a bitch about her kid and her appearance and she's probably written you off as a Queen Bee cling-on. Which isn't completely unfair. The people who stand by and don't defend the person getting bullied are just as bad as the bully.

Yes, I think you have. If my friend stood there passively while another person spoke like that about me, I'd not see them in the same light again. The only thing I can suggest is that you tell Sarah what you've said here, that you didn't want to cause upset given Olivias recent bereavement, but you completely condemn what she said. A lot will ride on what your response actually looked like to Sarah. A mealy mouthed half laughing 'Oh stop, you are awful!' Is different from an assertive and firm 'stop it' that sounded like you meant it, so I hope for your friendship it was the second.

Your action is an action in itself, then. You're choosing to avoid that discomfort above Sarah hearing your apology and knowing your friendship to date wasn't false, and possibly retaining a future friendship with her.

The fact you're worrying about awkwardness suggests you don't really want to genuinely apologise to Sarah; who sounds a much nicer person.
Olivia grieving is not an excuse to be an utter cunt about people and their children, you even excusing it suggests your desperate to be one of Olivia's 'in crowd', pathetic for an adult to be so spineless.