I've been a dickhead. How can I fix?

[GroundToSwallowMeUp]

At a party, I was talking to a lifelong friend of mine (let's call her Olivia) (her dad died recently - they were very close - he was only 60). Olivia is really struggling. All her worst traits have come out x 1000 (being bitchy and gossipy) - she has heart of gold but since losing her dad a couple of months ago - she spends most of her time complaning or bitching. Olivia is also v v pretty and glam and confident.

At the party - I introduce her to a new friend of mine (Sarah) who is so lovely. Sarah is the nicest woman in the world. Not v glam, v different lifestyle to my friend.

As Sarah was leaving - Olivia was taking the piss out of her - being what she thought was funny (she had a wine or 7) but was quite cruel. I didn't laugh along, I just moved conversation on quickly or might have said 'oh stop' but not too seriously. I certainly didn't have a go at Olivia.

I thought Sarah was miles away but possibly not. Sarah is now ignoring me. I've convinced she has heard.

I should have been stronger with Olivia and pulled her up. It was the awkwardness, the fact she's so volatile about her dad, I've known Olivia 20 years and Sarah only a matter of months - so guess my loyalty felt off or that it wasn't that serious

But now i feel awful. I've convinced Sarah has heard and she is the nicest, kindest woman.

What do I do? i've screwed up our friendship haven't i?

I'd accept this apology.
You can only apologise for your own part in this and I'd be happy enough if you were able to admit you were wrong. People don't always do the right/brave thing at the time and I think that's ok if some real actual reflection happens afterwards.
If you go on too much about Olivia, then I would just want to back away from you. It's still relatively easy for kids to remain friends without the parents being friends.

Yes, it's weird that OP says she is a people pleaser except for pleasing the person she has hurt with her silence.

OP - don't wait for days, call her or leave a Whatsapp voice note.

You're not a people pleaser though, are you? Sarah is a person. You're a glam, pretty, socially desirable person pleaser. Which is a different thing altogether. Honestly, if there's a good thing to come out of this, I think you need to own that, reflect on why you chose to please Olivia over Sarah, and whether you're going to change that for the future. Because you've probably lost the friendship of a decent woman to please an unpleasant spiteful individual who doubtless is as unkind about you behind your back as she was to Sarah.

Why are you still friends with Olivia when you say yourself she's catty and bitchy?
I wouldn't want to know someone like her she sounds a regular pain.

You might have become a bit blind to how terrible Olivia’s behaviour is, having known her so long.

In Sarah’s position, I might judge you for the company you keep.

I don’t think her father’s death is relevant in being a total bitch. It could cause her to feel snappy, OK - but straight up bitching about appearance or whatever - no, that’s part of Olivia’s ugly personality.

I really think it depends on what Olivia said. It sounds like she mocked Sarah's child's appearance? Or mocked the kid and Sarah's appearance? It doesn't sound good anyway.

She made a joke about Sarah's kid. And her apperance. it wasn't ok at all

That's completely unforgiveable.

If she thinks you were partaking in this conversation I can see why she has distanced herself from you.

I think you should tell Olivia you found the nasty remarks about Sarah really rude and hurtful. How would she feel if people said things like that about her? I understand bereavement can affect people really badly, but it's really no excuse for making unnecessary cruel comments about very lovely, innocent people.
Tell her you don't want to hear it if she bitches about anyone like that again. You could simply say 'stop being such a bitch.'
As for Sarah, you could mention how you were embarrassed about Olivia's behaviour in general on that night, without directly referencing what she may or may not have heard. Obviously you'd probably best not meet them together at least for a while. Which hopefully won't be difficult if they're from different friendship groups.

@IncognitoUsername Omg just stop with this utter rubbish of 'how old are you' . It's a classic comment on here and it's so pathetic. She's obviously an adult if she's calling her a life long friend. They aint kids for flip sake. Op is telling you how uncomfortable she was with the whole situation and how she's now concerned about her friend who we are calling Sarah, that's not mean girls it's just making a mistake.

If I were you. Yes I’d apologise to Sarah but I’d also speak to Olivia face to face and tell her that her behaviour and words are unacceptable, that you have understand because of her dad dying and her caring for him but unless she changes her ways she’ll lose you as a friend too.

I think that’s the fairest way here. Otherwise maybe Olivia has been used to becoming more bitchy and no one’s really said anything to her about it so it’s got worse.

It takes a particularly unpleasant person to be nasty about a child though and the child’s looks (hope I got that the right way round). Maybe Olivia is hurting inside but she needs to know that’s not acceptable ever.

Olivia sounds like a bitch and it sounds as though you always make excuses for her

I'd just call her or pop round if that's normal.

I'd say to her 'I wanted to talk with you, and to apologise and explain about Olivia, I don't know if you heard or not, but she said some not nice things about you. I wanted to firstly apologise for introducing you, but also explain that Olivia has just lost her dad and it's bringing out the worst in her. She's not usually like this. I would normally have pulled her up on her comments, but didn't because of how she's been following her Dad's death blah blah'

Get it out in the open, your actions were with the best of intentions and trying to keep two people happy

Because it came across this was your primary concern,

look the bottom line is you know what happened, you know the likely cause of Sarah’s distancing herself. And yet you still haven’t picked up the phone asked to meet and tried to resolve it.

if im brutally honest, you sound like one of those kids at school who hangs around the school bully, too scared to stand up to them and just glad its not them being abused.

But the problem is that she is usually like this..

These people who justify horrible peoples behaviour on the basis that “they’re going throughXYZ … noooo you shouldn’t say that Olivia ha ha ha” or by saying things like “well she’s always been a bit like that and we’re used to it but she’s got a bit worse” really piss me off because they’re so disingenuous.

OP you don’t actually care that Olivia is a prize bitch, because it’s not you she’s bitching about. Except it is. I absolutely guarantee that Olivia will have been bitching about you behind your back,.

If you were genuinely bothered about her behaviour you would have distanced yourself a long long time ago, but you haven’t and I’m guessing you still won’t because of “what she’s going through.” And after that there will be another reason, and then another one, and then you won’t know how to do it, and in a few years you’ll be posting “AIBU to be upset at a comment I vet heard my friend say to someone?”

I think I would message Sarah something along these lines....

Hi Sarah, is everything OK? It isn't like you to not reply to my messages. I have a feeling it is something to do with Olivia, am I right? I just want you to know that I'm going to distance myself from Olivia. She has been making bitchy comments about people, and i'm not comfortable with it, and I don't think I want to continue spending time with her. Is everything OK with you?

That kind of message will open up communication about it all, especially if she overheard.

And no, losing a parent does not excuse nastiness.

Sorry, but Olivia sounds like a bitch, and her Dad dying doesn't excuse her behaviour - she needs to be told

I would send her a message and say ‘look it was great of you to come to the party, but something has been on my mind. I heard….. saying things which were out of character for her. I didn’t bring it up at the time as she’s having a hard time but I’ve decided it was not on the things she’s saying and I’m going to have a chat about it with her one on one. I’ve really enjoying being your friend and if the party upset you, I’m sorry. I value our friendship and I’d love to catch up with you when you’re free’

My mother dying, doesn't give me a free pass to behave like a bitch. You should talk to her next time she does this. Tell her it's not nice. Talk to your other friend, apologise for your friends poor behaviour.

As you have said you believe you were in the wrong then yes I think you should message Sarah and tell her that you are sorry for what happened and that you do not agree with what Olivia said in the slightest

fully agree with pp about Olivia’s grief not giving her free reign to be horrible

I don’t think the onus should be on Sarah to explain. The OP knows that things were said that were hurtful and knows she owes Sarah an apology. I don’t think it is right to put Sarah in the position of having to say “I heard Olivia say xxx and that you didn’t challenge it”.

Asking if she is ok is disingenuous. The apology needs to happen without Sarah explaining what needs to be apologised for.

Don’t do this in a message I think you’d be better calling over to her or phoning her.

Grieving doesn't give you a pass to be a bitch. Olivia is a nasty piece of work who would no longer be my friend.

Olivia is a cunt.

Getting ratty, irritable, breaking down, snappy, argumentative, crying, - I’d take those as grief. Mocking other people and children? Nope.

You are guilty by association, perhaps Sarah thought “fuck this drama- what a pair of bitches”. Sarah’s giving you a swerve. I’m with Sarah.