I've been a dickhead. How can I fix?

[GroundToSwallowMeUp]

At a party, I was talking to a lifelong friend of mine (let's call her Olivia) (her dad died recently - they were very close - he was only 60). Olivia is really struggling. All her worst traits have come out x 1000 (being bitchy and gossipy) - she has heart of gold but since losing her dad a couple of months ago - she spends most of her time complaning or bitching. Olivia is also v v pretty and glam and confident.

At the party - I introduce her to a new friend of mine (Sarah) who is so lovely. Sarah is the nicest woman in the world. Not v glam, v different lifestyle to my friend.

As Sarah was leaving - Olivia was taking the piss out of her - being what she thought was funny (she had a wine or 7) but was quite cruel. I didn't laugh along, I just moved conversation on quickly or might have said 'oh stop' but not too seriously. I certainly didn't have a go at Olivia.

I thought Sarah was miles away but possibly not. Sarah is now ignoring me. I've convinced she has heard.

I should have been stronger with Olivia and pulled her up. It was the awkwardness, the fact she's so volatile about her dad, I've known Olivia 20 years and Sarah only a matter of months - so guess my loyalty felt off or that it wasn't that serious

But now i feel awful. I've convinced Sarah has heard and she is the nicest, kindest woman.

What do I do? i've screwed up our friendship haven't i?

@Pieceofpurplesky yes that message is good. Thank you

I do think I may have to talk to Olivia. We have been friends 20 years and she will be furious. But I feel we can't hang out with people as she's so "mean girls" as someone rightly described it. She's always been jealous of my friendships with women but it's getting out of control.

She'll be furious at being told she can't be a bullying bitch about people, especially a child? Why on earth are you friends with her?

She sounds worse with every post!
I'd be taking a big step away from Olivia and spending my time with Sarah and other, kinder friends. Her nastiness and negativity isn't doing you any favours with making other friends. I'm sure you don't want to be tarnished with the same "mean girls" brush.

I think with the update that the remarks were about Sarah's child that does put a different spin on things.
You can try a direct apology (but could also end up in a deeper hole if it turns out she didn't hear but has broken her phone/been on hospital with a relative/had a sudden urge to disappear off to a technology-free yoga retreat).
However if she heard, even if you apologise, chances are the friendship derailed anyway.

Grief doesn't make you into a cruel person, it doesn't change your personality.

It sounds like Olivia has a nasty streak and I'd distance myself from you, too.

Poor Sarah, that must have been horrible for her to experience.

My husband died. I have managed at all social events not to say rude or mean things to others. As @PointWriter said you can't use grief as an excuse.

So Sarah's the nicest person in the world and she probably had to sit there and hear someone she hardly knows slagging her kids off?

Olivia's a bitch. I wouldn't want to be friends with her.

Olivia sounds like a dick, and from your updates it sounds like she's always been a bit of a dick.

I have lost both my parents in the past 3 years.
I have been neither cruel or insensitive to anyone, strangers or friends. It has in fact given me insight to be understanding of any human.

I agree: straight off with the apology.

You need to do 2 things.

1. Talk to Olivia from a place of concern whilst making it clear that her behaviour isnt ok.

1. Pop round to Sarah at a convenient time and tell her you've noticed she's been quiet and wanted to check in on her. Explain that Olivias dad has died, she's taking it badly, you didnt realise how badly until that night and you've spoken to her seperately after she sobered up and you're sorry for inviting her to something that ended up being a bit of a shit show and you're really disappointed in Oivias behaviour and you'd never have invited Sarah if you'd been expecting Olivia to behave so badly.

Are you sure Sarah heard Olivia? Otherwise you could hurt Sarah by telling her something she wasn't even aware of.

Yur updye makes Olivia sound like a controlling manipulator who doesn't want you to have other friends and will act badly to scare them off.

There really is no correlation between a parent’s death and a tendency to insult the appearance of your friend’s child. You are just making excuses for your own weakness and passivity in sitting there listening to her. You only feel bad now because Sarah has let her hurt and/or anger at you be known. And now you’re too mealy-mouthed to either apologise to Sarah or tell Olivia her behaviour was repellant. Is this really who you want to be?

Sorry this has happened to you and Sarah.

I would go and buy the biggest bunch of flowers you can find and her favourite wine and drop in with them. Apologise.

Just say something along the lines of you didn't agree with what Olivia said and you wanted to speak about it privately to her, that the party when everyone's had a drink wasn't the appropriate place, you didn't want to spoil the party for ??? by causing a scene and getting into a potential argument esp with someone who is grieving.

That you intend to distance yourself from Olivia/not be friends/whatever you want to say.

I personally would forgive you. But whatever you do with regards to Sarah I would do it quickly otherwise it looks like you don't care/can't be bothered/aren't bothered that she is upset.

It does sound like she heard. Also give Olivia what for and reassess your friendship.

How old are you all??

In ways I do agree with this OP but it's done now, can't change the past but you need to speak to Sarah quickly if you want to retain the friendship.

Does Olivia fancy you or anything? I'm nearly 40 and just can't imagine standing there batching about someone I don't know.

Have a talk with Olivia and tell her she was out of order and to not put you in that sort of a position again because of how horrid it was.

Then contact Sarah? Apologise profusely for Olivia's behaviour and if it caused any upset. Make it clear you've had words with Olivia about it but didn't say anything at the time because Olivia's reaction would have made the whole thing worse.

And distance yourself from Olivia.

I think I might just message Sara and apologise for olivia's behaviour at the party without mentioning anything in particular. I might also explain the reasons behind you not shutting her down. Olivia sounds like an unpleasant entitled dick tbh.

Perhaps she didn’t hear the comments, and the actual reason she’s cooled towards you is because she observed Olivia’s behaviour at the party and can’t understand why you would choose to be friends with her. In other words, she could have reevaluated why would she want to be friends with someone who is a friend of Olivia? She has set boundaries?

I remember having a real click with a friend, and then I met one of her friends who she was really close to and I thought was awful! It made me completely rethink my friendship.

Either way, if you are serious about trying to maintain your new friendship, I’d start off by trying to arrange a coffee or similar and having an honest talk with her. I’d also re consider why you remain friends with such a toxic person like Olivia - duty?

Sarah has made her choice it seems. She saw you and Olivia for what you were and decided she want going to be part of it. If she’s lovely, it won’t be long until she finds friends.
But hearing someone be bitchy about my child? And someone who had been friendly to me not objecting, or taking a stand? I’d dump you both without a second thought, and move on.
An insincere bunch of flowers, because you think you were overheard? Fuck that.

She made a joke about how Sarah’s child looks? Yeah, grieving or not, I don’t care. Olivia is a twat.

This. And Sarah probably doesn't want to be friends with someone who collides with Olivia

Honestly I don’t think you can fix this, and think this is one to chalk up to experience and accept you may have lost a friend, because of your unwillingness to stand up for what is right. You can say as much as you want that you don’t like confrontation, but I don’t think that’s a defence here and neither is Olivia losing her dad.

Sarah will quite rightly think you were in on the joke and will distance herself and I can’t say I blame her if I’m being honest! You’ve also left it a while before saying anything which feels like lip service rather than coming from a genuine place.

sorry if this isn’t what you want to hear but I think in future worry less about seeing something as confrontation and more about doing the right thing.

Why is everyone suggesting apologise for Olivia's behaviour? Op is responsible for her own actions, not a grown woman's. Ops apology can be on behalf of someone else who doesn't know she's making it.