Holiday with parents

[Lastdayblues]

Currently on holiday with DS (1), DP, DM and DF.

for context, parents have paid for holiday and (almost) all expenses. Haven’t asked for anything in return and don’t guilt trip, “we just want you to enjoy!” Is the answer if I ever bring it up. We live close to them and see them most days, which DP hates, he is extremely jealous (by his own admission) and thinks his DS won’t love him as much because his grandparents are around. I have some sympathy that it probably is a lot but not sure what else to do as we rely on my DM for childcare (we can’t afford nursery) and DF is working hard renovating for us on the weekend. We don’t (usually) see them the two days I have off from work whilst on my phased return from maternity.

Anyway, we are now on holiday, staying in our own apartment but near to my DP. Every morning DS wakes up around 6:30, he has his bottle we play, have breakfast, get ready and go for a walk for his morning nap. We get back, have lunch and down by the pool at around 2 where we see my DP and we all play in the pool together. We get back to the apartment for 3 for his nap, play, get ready for the night. We meet my parents at 6:30 at the restaurant until about 8:30 when it’s back for bedtime.

DP is angry that he “doesn’t get a minute” with his son, that it’s “not normal” and “fucking weird” for grandparents to spend that much time with him. He points out dad’s playing with their son in the pool as evidence of how wrong it is that DS has his grandparents with him.

we are now on our last day of the holiday and sat in the room because we’ve argued and DP refuses to go anywhere, he says he regrets ever having our son because he didn’t realise his life would be this bad. He’s called me names and says how much he hates me and our life because my parents ruin it.

I can see both sides here. Having to rely on your parents for childcare means you’re going to feel more indebted to your parents which is fair enough. Would your parents take it amiss say if you went on the holiday alone next time? Or maybe only saw them once a week outside of childcare hours? (I’m saying this but don’t let your dp dictate either). Life changes after a baby and you need more help and support and I do think your partner needs to realise that too.

Next time your parents offer to pay for a holiday, your lovely partner should kindly decline. He’ll take a free holiday but won’t spend time with the people who paid & calls them out for wanting to be involved with their grandchild. The cheek of it. Sounds a delight.

My grandparents looked after me a lot when I was little. As I got older I’d go straight there after school and stay until my mum finished work. We would see them at weekends and go on holiday with them. I have nothing but amazing memories of those days. I think your husband is acting like a spoiled child. My kids don’t see my parents much now they’re older but doesn’t s lot of time with them when little. They also spent a lot of time with their dad.

This.

👏🏼👏🏼👏🏼

DH is being very unreasonable, his behaviour is becoming irrational and worrying.

That’s quite a balance of space and time apart, especially given it’s a holiday together which they generously paid for. Your DPs seem very supportive and measured.

Just for the calling you names and saying he hates you and his life I say LTB. He sounds juvenile and jealous.

@Lastdayblues Looks like this thread is on it's last legs, I've only just read it & would like to put in a word from your DS's point of view!
My parents & I lived with my paternal grandparents until money was saved for their own house. Even then, I saw my grandparents ALL the time. I was the happiest, most loved little girl on the planet!

@CharSiu I see my parents 5 out of 7. I'm not talking all day every day but for at least an hour unless I'm working away or on holiday with just my own little family without them (though we holiday with them too). My husband doesn't mind it at all and he sees them a similar amount. We just all really like each other.

And for others who have made negative comments about being in and out of pockets/lacking independence or as @curiouslycoy seemed to suggest, not being driven - it is possible to have a close family that loves each other and spending time together without being some sort of adult child. Both my sibling and I are high earning professionals with our own homes bought without any help from our parents and with happy marriages and kids. We just all like each other.

As an expat, both my and my husband’s parents were a nine hour flight away. One of my biggest regrets is not being physically near them when our son was growing up. Once or twice yearly visits do not suffice for creating a strong, loving bond. A child cannot have too much love. Yours is incredibly lucky to have such a deep relationship with GPs.

The problem is your inexplicably immature husband. Somehow he is triggered by the bond. He urgently needs therapy to work out what is at the root of his irrationality

So I can see both sides of this!

My mum currently lives 2 hours away and we go up a couple of times a year for about 4 days. We also go away with my dad (parents separated) for 4-7 days a year. We’re lucky because we don’t pay to go to either as we’re either visiting or we’re lucky enough to be treated to going away. Normally we spend the whole day with them from when we get up until they go to bed. But it’s more because we do the same sort of things and eat together (also lucky that both parents help pay towards food/tickets). This year when we go with my dad there’s a few things he wants to do where we’re going that my kids will have zero interest in, but we will still spend the morning and the evening with them and throughout we get a lot of help with the kids which gives us a bit of a break

On the other hand, going away with my in laws has always proven to be a nightmare. We’ve done it 3 times (twice before children). First year it rained and we were in a caravan and they didn’t leave the caravan for a week (we did because a week stuck in isn’t fun) and they complained we went out (brother in laws family was also there). Second time was a city break and me and DH wanted to explore the city, they just wanted to sit in a bar (which even if I hadn’t been secretly pregnant isn’t how I’d spend a holiday). The only time we went on holiday with them (also again with brother in laws family) we then had our 2 DC as well. It was a disaster. They did a lot of things my DC weren’t interested in and when we suggested things they just outright refused to think about it 😂 Then complained we didn’t spend any time with them (but when we were all in the cottage completely ignored us). we also fully paid to go away with them (which I don’t mind doing with any of the grandparents just to add)

DH agrees and we don’t go away with them anymore because it’s not a nice holiday because it’s not what we would plan for a holiday. He doesn’t mind going with my family because he gets 5 minutes and although we spend most of the time with my family it’s all stuff and days out we’d do if it was just the 4 of us

I think your DP is being massively unreasonable. Rather than getting jealous and thinking about himself he should be grateful that your son is being brought up in such a loving family. It sounds like a lovely set up to me. Please don’t let his immaturity ruin it for you and please show your parents the kindness and respect they deserve.

Your DP is an ungrateful twat who needs to work on his jealousy issues, he doesn't mind all the help and generosity given by your parents all long as he doesn't see so much of them; some GP can't be bothered with their GC perhaps he would prefer that.

Sounds like your husband lacks confidence and social skills and he is misdirecting his lack of self confidence onto your parents. It sounds like your parents are not but lovely and your husband is jealous and embarrassed by his inability to integrate into the family. He will most likely always see himself as the victim, and that is unfortunate, because he’s not a victim, maybe a little stupid, but not a victim.

It sounds a lovely arrangement. Maybe DP should be more grateful of the holiday that's been paid for or not come next time

It’s not a competition! There should be plenty of love to go round! Children love those people around them who are warm, kind, comforting, consistent and fun. These people may be aunties, grandparents or just family friends. On this holiday the grandparents see your DS for 3 hours, which means your DP has his son for 21 hours. If he can’t forge a relationship with his son during this time there is no hope!
You haven’t said that your parents undermine your husband, I.e provide chocolate when it has been banned etc etc, so why is your DH so worried that his son will prefer his granddad?
Most parents would be pleased that there are other adults in the child's life who love him and who he loves.
I have grandchildren who I love more than anything in the world, but there is no question that they love their parents more than me, and that’s how it should be.
If your DP keeps up his present behaviour his worse fears will come true. Maybe he needs help to overcome this jealousy/anxiety/petulance, call it what you will. I don’t know how you can access this help unless of course your parents pay for it.

@Lastdayblues would he prefer your child spent his time with strangers and pay builders to do the renovations? He's not jealous of your parents time with your child, he's adjusting to parenthood. It's not an easy time for a lot of us.
Where are his parents in this picture?
The only person who will mess his relationship with the child is him.

Sounds like your partner wants to have his cake and eat it. Happy to take the free help and holidays but not happy for your parents to be around. Are they aware that he doesn’t want them around?
On the other hand you do seem to be with them a lot, which obviously you and yr mum and dad love but something is amiss with him behaving so horribly to you. Maybe he’s had enough of them and feels trapped, even so he should not have been so nasty.

Really touched with the comments. A bit lost at how I could even begin to reply, but it looks like other posters have said everything I wanted to anyway.

it is indeed possible to have support and be successful. My parents’ support has meant that I have been able to concentrate on education which has provided me with postgraduate and professional degrees; allowing me the opportunity to work hard at a fast paced career. Please do not think you need to make your children suffer so that they “stand on their own two feet”. Life is plenty tough enough as it is.

I am shocked that people can not see how money can still be tight. For those angry with me for not answering this (irrelevant) question.. I have.. I said “I blame Liz”, it was a flippant but truthful remark. Also, the state of maternity pay in this country is disgraceful and building materials have gone through the roof. We are not on the breadline, I apologise if it came across this way, but like so many others we have to be careful of the pennies.

DP managed to calm himself yesterday, and we had a nice evening (all together!) He is now far more able to see how lucky we have been and continue to be. However, I do take the concerns that have been raised here and I need to really think how we move forward. Lots have been raised regarding insecurities and personal trauma which we need to consider.

I also take the other point of view and will continue to monitor any unnecessary meddling, and prioritise family time.

i think it’s clear that the behaviour ultimately though, is unreasonable (apologies but it seems that’s the overwhelming response and honestly a lot of those disagreeing have misunderstood the facts). We will need to address that.

Your DP is jealous and insecure - it’s his problem and needs help.
You are lucky to have your DP

Your DP has issues that he needs to work through. It’s probably around the fact that he feels he should spend more time with DS but doesn’t actually want to. Your DF is showing him up by enjoying the time he spends with DS.

It doesn’t sound to me like the DH is happy with all the free support from the in laws, but his hands are tied- he loves his wife and child. The op has no insight at all and is living the dream. Where does he go that doesn’t blow it all up.

For example DP would like dad to come over and work but not say hello to his grandson while he’s there. This just seems ridiculous to me, it takes a few minutes out of our day and surely DS would be upset that his grandfather is avoiding him??
i would be really really angry at this. I’d suggest we back pay for all the work he’s done since he wants to treat him like the hired help and say we probably need to sell the house since we can’t afford that or paying the childcare but frankly I’d prefer that than here you demonise my lovely dad who has only ever tried to help and has no idea the contempt in which you hold him. How dare you take his help while ranting he shouldn’t even say hello to his own grandchild. When we have grandchildren you will see the whole world differently and I expect you to grovel for the stress you’ve put me through with this jealous bullshit. Good parents love anything that enhances their child’s life. You don’t.

I got confused as if to whether DP was partner or parents. But if it’s the case you are only seeing your parents in the afternoon and dinner then what is his issue? Why can’t he play with the baby at the same time. Or take him swimming in the morning etc

And he wants your dad to come and work on your house but not speak to your child? That’s just plain odd. I’d assume he was joking. That’s just not a serious request.

He’s clearly happy to take the support. You don’t see him suggesting selling the house so they can live affordably. You don’t see him suggesting ops dad doesn’t come over and work on the house. As long as he behaves suitably subserviently and knows his place and especially doesn’t dare say hello to his grandchild he can help work on the house. His problem is he wants to have his cake and eat it too. The op should ban her dad from helping them on the house and tell her dp it’s on him.