Holiday with parents

[Lastdayblues]

Currently on holiday with DS (1), DP, DM and DF.

for context, parents have paid for holiday and (almost) all expenses. Haven’t asked for anything in return and don’t guilt trip, “we just want you to enjoy!” Is the answer if I ever bring it up. We live close to them and see them most days, which DP hates, he is extremely jealous (by his own admission) and thinks his DS won’t love him as much because his grandparents are around. I have some sympathy that it probably is a lot but not sure what else to do as we rely on my DM for childcare (we can’t afford nursery) and DF is working hard renovating for us on the weekend. We don’t (usually) see them the two days I have off from work whilst on my phased return from maternity.

Anyway, we are now on holiday, staying in our own apartment but near to my DP. Every morning DS wakes up around 6:30, he has his bottle we play, have breakfast, get ready and go for a walk for his morning nap. We get back, have lunch and down by the pool at around 2 where we see my DP and we all play in the pool together. We get back to the apartment for 3 for his nap, play, get ready for the night. We meet my parents at 6:30 at the restaurant until about 8:30 when it’s back for bedtime.

DP is angry that he “doesn’t get a minute” with his son, that it’s “not normal” and “fucking weird” for grandparents to spend that much time with him. He points out dad’s playing with their son in the pool as evidence of how wrong it is that DS has his grandparents with him.

we are now on our last day of the holiday and sat in the room because we’ve argued and DP refuses to go anywhere, he says he regrets ever having our son because he didn’t realise his life would be this bad. He’s called me names and says how much he hates me and our life because my parents ruin it.

I'd expect to spend most of the time either family if we were on holiday. It doesn't sound like you are with them much at all.

He's very ungrateful but if he really doesn't want to be around them he shouldn't go. He could have said he had to work . He's agreed to go and is now ruining the holiday for you.

He can also play with his son at any point . If he's not doing that's on him

I think you're underestimating how difficult it is for him to sit on the outer edges of a family that he doesn't really belong to, given that he doesn't have a similar relationship with his own family. You said they got on well before the baby, but I imagine contact was less frequent than 4 days a week.
If he has never had this sort of relationship with his own family, he's probably really struggling to live in the pocket of someone else's - whether you think you see them very little is irrelevant, as your lives are very enmeshed.
The feelings of suffocation (because you can't just pluck emotional habits out of thin air), being pushed out of his own family (because he feels like an outsider when you spend so much time with your parents) and emasculation, are where his anger is coming from. I know you're saying it's only 3 hours per day on holiday, but for every day of the holiday, he'll be counting down to when the time he wanted to spend with his family is cut short - twice.
You are both lucky to have them, but he is entitled to feel like it's too much. As someone who has absent parents, I find it very hard to emulate the closeness my husband has with his parents because I've never had it, and it makes me feel awkward and uncomfortable.

I also think the jealousy around your son is related to the insecurity of his attachments with his own family. It seems as though it's so important for him to be present and close with his son, possibly to be what he himself didn't have, and when your parents are there every day, he feels pushed out. I felt very protective of both of my kids when they were babies and, rationally or not, wanted to be all things to them - the total opposite of my own mother.
I don't have any advice on what to do going forward, other than to consider that his own unresolved issues with his family are at the root of his insecurity, and he's probably not just being a dick for the sake of it.

Surely your DP needs to just make his own plans and do something with his son? You don't say your parents would kick off if he went out with DS on his own, or I'd you, DH and DS took a trip.just the 3 of you. Your DH sounds unreasonable! It sounds like your parents are a bit over involved bit what has DH done to rectify apart from moan/sulk?

@Searchingforthelight

lol well if he feels like that he could pay for his own holidays and house renovations couldn’t he?

Again, her DP is talking about how much their DS sees his grandparents, not him, hence her DP upset and mentioning it repeatedly. Would you really not see an issue with a parent telling a grandparent to blatantly ignore their grandchild when coming to their home?

If it was too much for DP himself, nothing is stopping him from not seeing his in-laws. He could go out on his own if he wanted or take his son out solo. The way it reads he is making excuses and blaming his in-laws for his own issues of spending time with his son.

They are all on holiday and whether he was dragged or not, there was plenty of time he could have taken their son out by himself. There is no excuse or reason that he couldn’t have other than choosing not to.

Perhaps, OP needs to tell him he can which sounds sad but some dads actually do need to be told unfortunately.

@phoenixrosehere stop and think that, though.
The DH main issue is the lack of quality time with the baby.
Their mornings were taken up by breakfast, walk / nap, and lunch. So, it's not really quality time playing with the baby.

2pm they were getting to the pool with the ILs. Who then seemed to take over.

Back to the room to get ready for dinner. Dinner bed then repeat.

I think he should be spoken up earlier in the week. Ditched the walk have an extra swim splash about in the mornings.

It would have been a bit rude not to join the ils at the pool. So he couldn't really say I'm going to take baby elsewhere

But its easy to say that in hindsight. We all forget what life is really like with a baby.

It sounds as if having child has made DH regress to toddlerhood.

I have a six month old. Also, have taken my children as babies on holidays with in-laws.

He could have said to OP that he wanted to spend more time with his son instead of blowing up at her. He could have taken their son on a walk without OP any of the days that they were there. It wouldn’t have been rude to say to the grandparents that he and their son wasn’t going to come along to the pool and would be doing xyz together while OP spent time with her parents or weren’t going to have dinner with them.

Five days out of seven seeing in laws is just too much. I would love to know how the site would feel if it was a woman having to see her in laws that often.

My MIL is a very nice woman but there is no way even if it would have financially benefitted me have wanted to see her 5 days a week

There are no concrete figures written here so I can’t really judge what you’re actually doing. I think it’s great to assist adult children to an extent but my MIL has helped SIL financially so much over the years it has almost given my SIL a known permanent back up plan to make shit financial decisions. We are in our fifties now

@Nuttyputty feel free to scroll back and see the many comments asking why OP cannot afford a holiday when their childcare is free and questions around whether DH works. Even speculation on the house they live in and whether it's beyond their means and a reason why there is no money for holidays year after year.

Is going for a walk, pushing a baby in a buggy, really quality time.

If they didn't go to the pool in the afternoon, where would they go, what would they do? It's a beach ⛱️ holiday so hot and they all need somewhere to cool off.

It's a difficult one, but he should have spoken up earlier in the week. And switched things round.
I'd have been at the pool early in the morning instead of morning getting taken up by food, walks and naps.

The baby is not napping for the entire time between 6.30-2pm there is plenty of time for family time in there.

I don’t think 3 hours a day per day with the people paying for the holiday is a lot. And they didn’t do that every day

Oh god we went on holiday with the in laws once... never again!!!

I was pissed off with them by 10pm on night 1! By Wednesday we'd agreed to have our own day out away from them.

yes, and even if "most" could be proven for everyone, I'll bet "most" people can't afford it at the same time as doing major house renovations, and having fairly recently had a baby (i.e. come off reduced maternity pay).

And since when is "a holiday" (alone) a measure of "success" anyway?

Your local spice addict might be able to afford a weekend in Butlins, that doesn't mean anything!

Yeah and how is she determing that she's said she can't afford a holiday, perhaps they are in the group of "most" but have chosen to spend that affordability on something else. I can't always pay my bills on time but I always make sure my daughter has a summer holiday.

I’m with all the people who think your DP sounds like a childish twat.

Why is he not interacting with your child in the mornings? I really don’t get it. He sounds hella jealous, and jealous of your parents, which is really moronic if you ask me (and your parents sound lovely).

I’d be binning him off.

Your partner needs a reality check , he is extremely lucky to have this help from your parents he should be grateful not sulking like a child himself!

I agree and saying OP's Dad should come round to work for free, but ignore his grandson. Awful behaviour.

Plus OP has already limited how often she sees her parents outside of the free things they do because of this man and his jealousy.

I feel really sad for them and for OP.

If a woman posted that she was getting free childcare from her in-laws, but was annoyed that she had to see them at handovers and that she expected them to come and do free work in her house, but that they should ignore their grandchild when they came to do it, she'd be ripped to shreds.

Especially if she mentioned that the reason is not because they are horrible people or there are any concerns about them, but just because she's jealous her child would love the in-laws more than her.

The child is one, they could have stayed inside playing in the ac then instead of a walk since as you said it is a beach holiday.

Who says he has to push a buggy? The child can be carried and talked to on a walk.

It really isn’t hard to come up with something if it means that much.

Completely agree. It's a very sad and strange post, not the post per se, but OP's DP's odd, nasty attitude.
Haven't rtft but possibly something odd in his family background? He may need counselling 🤔

You have a DH problem……I agree with counselling it’s an odd reaction. Most people would be grateful for the help he’s choosing the opposite. I wouldn’t want to see my inlaws that much but if they were renovating my home, paying for a holiday and giving free childcare all of which you can’t afford currently they could visit every bloody day.

It will change once DS is older and not napping so much. I think maybe DH feels he isn’t enough and that is a counselling issue. He is behaving like a spoilt kid and needs to grow a pair. If he wants to provide everything himself he needs to rethink his career. He can’t have it both ways and sorry he’s putting you in this situation.

Re what to do: it's worth trying couples therapy and/or for your partner to find his own therapist.

There will be reasons why he's been low/no contact with his birth family that are probably leading to his unusual beliefs about how love works / jealousy. So some space for him to talk about that might help.

It's wonderful you're so close to your parents but I can understand for your DH he probably doesn't want them there all the time, as he doesn't with his own?

For you It's great but for him it's too much so a need to comprise. You don't have to meet them every day and evening? You're both couples so go off and do your own things? Even when away with family and friends we decide our own agenda and take it as it comes without meeting same times every day. Xx