Holiday with parents

[Lastdayblues]

Currently on holiday with DS (1), DP, DM and DF.

for context, parents have paid for holiday and (almost) all expenses. Haven’t asked for anything in return and don’t guilt trip, “we just want you to enjoy!” Is the answer if I ever bring it up. We live close to them and see them most days, which DP hates, he is extremely jealous (by his own admission) and thinks his DS won’t love him as much because his grandparents are around. I have some sympathy that it probably is a lot but not sure what else to do as we rely on my DM for childcare (we can’t afford nursery) and DF is working hard renovating for us on the weekend. We don’t (usually) see them the two days I have off from work whilst on my phased return from maternity.

Anyway, we are now on holiday, staying in our own apartment but near to my DP. Every morning DS wakes up around 6:30, he has his bottle we play, have breakfast, get ready and go for a walk for his morning nap. We get back, have lunch and down by the pool at around 2 where we see my DP and we all play in the pool together. We get back to the apartment for 3 for his nap, play, get ready for the night. We meet my parents at 6:30 at the restaurant until about 8:30 when it’s back for bedtime.

DP is angry that he “doesn’t get a minute” with his son, that it’s “not normal” and “fucking weird” for grandparents to spend that much time with him. He points out dad’s playing with their son in the pool as evidence of how wrong it is that DS has his grandparents with him.

we are now on our last day of the holiday and sat in the room because we’ve argued and DP refuses to go anywhere, he says he regrets ever having our son because he didn’t realise his life would be this bad. He’s called me names and says how much he hates me and our life because my parents ruin it.

He has from 6.30 till 2pm. By then I'd be totally happy to let my parents or in laws have my kid fur a couple hours so I could chill a bit!
When we went in holiday and stayed at my parents house in Spain we were with them all the time - it was great. But then my parents did not do any child care and lived abroad half the year.
As they have paid this seems the deal - it's a family holiday including them.

Tricky. He shouldn’t have accepted the free holiday if he didn’t want to spend time with them, but I suspect he wasn’t given much choice. I know my Dh would absolutely hate this situation. He’s an introvert and my family is enmeshed and spend holidays together, weekends and whole days together. The difference being that my Dh would never accept being paid for and would rather not go away.

He could always have stayed at home.

True and my DH did this when I did a week away with my family. We have pets, so great excuse, plus he works shifts and nowhere near as much holiday as me/the cousins, 3 of us are teachers.

where?

I've read all of OPs posts, I can't see one example let alone multiples where she's said "we've sat down and had a calm conversation about this," or one where she's said "he's suggested [x way we can avoid my parents doing childcare] but I've disagreed with it.' Nor even one that said "he told me he didn't want to go on this holiday."

If anything her posts say the complete opposite - eg "he can’t seem to be reasonable about it to have a proper talk." and "We agreed my parents could care for him whilst we work."

Sounds like he's unhappy about a situation HE agreed to in the first place but isn't willing to do anything about it. Other than completely ridiculous suggestions like 'If your dad who already provides free childcare for me and pays for my whole family to go abroad comes over our house to help me out even more by doing DIY for free I want him to completely ignore his own grandson and not even say hi to him."

If I've missed a post though please let me know.

3 hours a day if I have added that correctly - 2pm-3pm and 6.30pm-8,30pm

what is your husband doing the remaining 21 hours that none of you are seeing your parents ?

surely he is with you and the baby...

Completely bizarre from your DH. Doesn't seem like he sees them that much. Also seems the main issue is he doesn't want your DS spending time with your parents rather than HE doesn't want to spend time with them. Did he even say he didn't want to go on holiday with your parents when they first raised it? To say he wishes he didn't even have his own son just because his son spends a lot of time with his grandparents is just not okay on any level. I'd say he needs therapy to identify why he thinks his son won't love him if he also loves his grandparents. That is a messed up attitude and when your son grows up he will pick up on it. Children should not feel like they have to give up relationships with others because their parent wants to be no.1 constantly, can you imagine if he brings home a partner one day?!

More likely the OP will become isolated from all her support networks, the jealous, controlling behaviour will escalate and she will be a victim of domestic abuse.

OP, I'm concerned for your welfare and for the wellbeing of your DS once he's old enough to understand the passive aggressive crap his father dishes out.

I wonder if the rest of your relationship really is as good as you indicated early on. I would be surprised if he wasn't controlling in other ways.

@1offnamechange I didn't say he'd sat down and had a calm conversation, I said he'd made it clear how he feels well before now.

In the OP: "We live close to them and see them most days, which DP hates". It's also pretty clear he resents the entire situation even if OP hasn't said it specifically.

Sounds like he's unhappy about a situation HE agreed to in the first place but isn't willing to do anything about it.

Exactly.

If he doesn't want to see the grandparents in the pool int he afternoons, why hasn't he found something different for him, the OP and the baby to do instead? I suspect it wouldn't occur to him to do that. He gets to moan that what's happening isn't good enough and then expects the OP to take responsibility for planning something different.

He's a selfish manchild who is probably going to get worse.

Weird and rude. He has major issues. MAJOR. What on EARTH. If he doesn't want to go on holiday with them then he doesn't accept their generous offer and either pays for the holiday of his choosing or he stays home. He should also pay for childcare and home improvements. They are showing him
Up and he knows it. Can't stand men like this. He feels unnecessary and useless... because he is!!! Your parents sound absolutely lovely, kind and generous, like mine.

YANBU.

I don’t think 3 hours a day on holiday is too much to see them. Your partner can still play with your son and a lot of people go on holiday with extended family. A lot of people would love extra help from grandparents on holiday or a break whilst they watched their child.

How did he feel about them paying for the holiday? Seems like he was happy to take up their offer of an almost free holiday, how can he be happy with this but not happy to see them for 3 hours a day.

He doesn’t even see them on the days they provide childcare, he can’t accept free childcare then be annoyed because they spend too much time with your DS. You can’t afford to pay for childcare so there is no alternative. Your son will be in school in a few years and will see them a lot less. Grandparents won’t be around forever. It’s great that they have a good relationship with your son.

Again how can he be happy to accept free renovations but then not want your dad to see your son?

It seems like this is linked to problems in his own family. Could he be upset that his parents don’t see your DS as much or that his own grandparents weren’t this involved?

You've said what I think and feel much better than I did!

No way! Do not upset or change your life!

Imagine if you were posting a couple of years from now...

AIBU, my partner doesn't want me to talk to my parents anymore. They used to provide free childcare, do DIY for us and took us on holiday. My partner complained about this and has slowly stopped my contact with them because he's jealous of the relationship they had with our son. AIBU to think this is controlling?

Your current set up is working for you, you can't afford childcare and (presumably) any time your partner would spend doing DIY would eat into time with his child.

You need to talk to him and try to figure out what his ideal situation would be, then see if it is feasible.

With DP on this

DP have provided childcare for between 1 and 3 days per week for DD so we see them then as we both work from home. We also go on holiday with them, my sister and us 4 once per year for 1 week.

On holiday we stay in a house / cottage so see a lot of each other. We do go out on separate day trips some days as DC is interested in things they wouldn't really enjoy now. Parents will also babysit DC in the evening for us to go for a meal etc, everyone generally gets on well.

DH has never complained. I honestly don't think you are seeing much of them whilst away. Your DH sounds incredibly ungrateful, your DP sounds absolutely lovely by the way. Why can't he do something with your son in the morning etc x

I really don’t understand why you cannot afford a little holiday and some basic works around the house given you’re both working and you have no childcare costs. It sounds poor financial planning on both your parts. (Yes, even with a mortgage increase!) Your DP has approached this so badly and I do not agree with his behaviour. I do notice you seem to prioritise your parents- your tone, words and actions say that. It’s ok if they’re your priority but if you want this relationship to last, you need to review how to make the relationship equal. He needs to work on it too. I am not saying you’re wrong for being miffed with his terrible behaviour. He is out of line, no 2 ways about it. You do seem very enmeshed in your parents’ lives and it’s not always conducive to a healthy relationship.

This reads like nonsense exaggeration.

OP could also do DIY?
OP is just as responsible for providing money for childcare and holidays etc

Maybe the partner doesn’t want to look at his in laws 5 days a week and daily on holiday?

Im sure many people here wouldn’t go along with that!

OP could pay for home improvements?
OP could fund a holiday?
OP can pay for childcare?

Its definitely not the parner’s sole responsibility

Maybe he’d like to reduce his working hours and do some childcare himself now OP is back at work

Maybe the partner doesn’t want to look at his in laws 5 days a week and daily on holiday?

Maybe he should stop accepting their generosity then. Nobody made him go on the holiday they paid for.

Sounds like your parents have raised a spoilt brat in your partner. He wants your dad to spend his weekends working for free on your house but dont think you get to spend any time with your grandchild while you're at it, he's MINE! All mine! And I'm not sharing!

He needs to talk to someone about that ridiculous jealousy and possessiveness.

Ungrateful brat complaining about spending 3 hours with the people who paid for his holiday. Does he think he should get a free holiday and not have to spend any time with the people who paid?

Sounds like what he's actually jealousy about is you having a loving family, and now your son having a loving family. And he doesn't. He sees his son as a reflection of himself growing up with love and security he never got and it makes him angry.

well he may have been dragged on the holiday planned by OP and her parents, feels like this he’s a third party in their shared decisions and plans.
Hes certainly saying he’s very unhappy about it, so he sure didn’t initiate these plans
Reckon he’s been pushed and railroaded, and this is the final straw. He’s an extra in his own life?

Nobody made him go. I bet they all wish he hadn’t.

Why should she have to? She has an arrangement that suits her and her child? Why should she have to spend hours doing DIY when her parents have offered to do it for her? Why should she have to provide money for childcare - she's already sorted it for free? She has already sorted a holiday FOR FREE, its not up to her. If her partner wants to change things, he pays. They aren't married, she has waaaay less protection if things were to go south and they split up.

Oh cry me a river, you couldn't be nice to your inlaws for a week after they paid for you to go on holiday?

Hes an ungrateful cunt. The holiday doesn't sound like you are spending the whole day with them and he just seems very very jealous and immature.