Holiday with parents

[Lastdayblues]

Currently on holiday with DS (1), DP, DM and DF.

for context, parents have paid for holiday and (almost) all expenses. Haven’t asked for anything in return and don’t guilt trip, “we just want you to enjoy!” Is the answer if I ever bring it up. We live close to them and see them most days, which DP hates, he is extremely jealous (by his own admission) and thinks his DS won’t love him as much because his grandparents are around. I have some sympathy that it probably is a lot but not sure what else to do as we rely on my DM for childcare (we can’t afford nursery) and DF is working hard renovating for us on the weekend. We don’t (usually) see them the two days I have off from work whilst on my phased return from maternity.

Anyway, we are now on holiday, staying in our own apartment but near to my DP. Every morning DS wakes up around 6:30, he has his bottle we play, have breakfast, get ready and go for a walk for his morning nap. We get back, have lunch and down by the pool at around 2 where we see my DP and we all play in the pool together. We get back to the apartment for 3 for his nap, play, get ready for the night. We meet my parents at 6:30 at the restaurant until about 8:30 when it’s back for bedtime.

DP is angry that he “doesn’t get a minute” with his son, that it’s “not normal” and “fucking weird” for grandparents to spend that much time with him. He points out dad’s playing with their son in the pool as evidence of how wrong it is that DS has his grandparents with him.

we are now on our last day of the holiday and sat in the room because we’ve argued and DP refuses to go anywhere, he says he regrets ever having our son because he didn’t realise his life would be this bad. He’s called me names and says how much he hates me and our life because my parents ruin it.

OP, why can't you accept it's just too much for him? You want to have it all. My husband and I are reasonable people but no way would we see the others' parents that often. You may think that you're a core family of 3 on your own but it doesn't sound like it.. You seem to not want to validate your partner's feelings, you want him to be unreasonable but what if he's not? Entertain that for a minute and just see what comes up and what it would mean for you..

perhaps just spend some time being independent of your parent san see how lack of free childcare and free holidays pans out

You're entirely missing the point. It's not about seeing them too much, its about his son seeing them too much. They spend 3 days providing childcare and 1 day renovating house, where her husband isn't seeing them. On this holiday they are seeing for an hour at lunch in the pool and 2 hours at dinner time, on the holiday they have paid for for them. How about he doesn't expect it all? Free childcare, diy and holidays oh and not having his son live them.

My kids see my parents at least 5 days out of 7 and they still run to me or their dad out of choice. It is possible to have a very close relationship with grandparents but have a really close relationship with parents. Your partner should spend more time working on his relationship with his son to make it stronger rather than trying to weaken someone elses

omg I have just realised they are not married !!! I hope the Op has her name and her rights plastered all over the ownership of the property that her parents are helping to renovate !!!

@Lastdayblues don't take too many of the comments here to heart. Unfortunately from most MN threads there are many who are parenting in isolation so it's understandable there will be some envy at your setup. Please don't derail your relationship with your parents because of your DP's insecurities. Don't limit contact with your parents either. Families are meant to support one another and your DP is the one whose attitude is odd, not your parents. I'm sure you have realised you're lucky and blessed to have such caring and supportive parents. I think some male partners much prefer a woman to be at their mercy one way or the other and the fact that your parents are so wonderful means you always have back-up and he can't get away with ludicrous behaviour.

He hasn’t even made it about her parents but about how much time their son spends with their grandparents and how he wants to be the main male in his life. He wants her dad to continue to renovate but not speak to their son, his grandchild. OP literally says he was perfectly fine with her parents and happy to see them until they had their son and now he’s being off and is saying he regrets having his son.

There is nothing reasonable about that. Reads more like he misses the attention her parents gave him because what logical reason would you want your child’s grandparents to ignore them in your presence?

He had plenty of time on holiday to spend time with his son. He was with him and OP for most of the day other than the three hours they spent with her parents and even then it wasn’t three hours straight. No one is stopping him from spending solo time with his son and it is ridiculous he is blaming her parents for it.

OP sounds like she's been born with a silver spoon in her mouth, who quite enjoys being wrapped up in cotton wool and has no plans to stop relying on parents.

Perhaps I'm 'envious' as my Mum has met DS once in 19 months and Dad once only due to being on death bed.

That said, I work 5 days a week and pay towards everything - 5 days childcare, holidays, mortgage, renovations.

It reminds me what I've known all along, those who have to have a drive to succeed. Those who are spoilt don't get past the start line in life.

A reminder that I must not spoil DS, so he makes his own way in life.

If you've just seen that, then surely you've seen op state several times over that she is.

I don’t think a bit of family help justifies those comments @curiouslycoy.

Big pat on the back for you, hasn't stopped you being a bit of a prick though has it!?

What should she do, tell her family to f off and pay for childcare and diy herself? Just to prove some arbitrary point that she's struggled just as much as you?

@Lastdayblues
The holiday is nearly done. You need to look forward to the future and back to the mundane every day life.

On a week to week basis how much quality time does DH get with DS?

He's busy working and doing renovation stuff. And I'll assume the usual, garden that takes time etc.
When is his quality time with DS?

How long until the house will be finished?
If it's a long time can you pause at some point?
He needs to build his relationship with the LO. Time goes so fast. Babies don't stay Babies very long.

@Nuttyputty low EQ? I'm not a prick, rather I am entitled to have my opinion.

OP won't answer questions about the state of their house, whether it was bought with the expectation her Dad would renovate it or whether DPs put money into it. Nor why they cannot afford a cheap holiday if their own despite childcare being paid for. Everyone has had their mortgage increased... don't hear of anyone else even without free childcare not being able to afford one for 3 people.

There is more to this story. Would imagine DH has reached breaking point and once someone gets to that stage, gratefulness goes out of the window.

you literally cropped and quoted the part of my post that said if he was unhappy he should have an adult discussion about why and what he wanted to change, and said that if I read OPs posts there were multiple examples of him having done that.

Now you're
a) saying you weren't talking about the part of my comment you chose to quote and reply to
b) by "If you read OPs posts you'll see he has said that" you actually meant "it's pretty clear even if OP hasn't said it specifically..."

So a complete contradiction?

OP what’s your DP’s relationship like with his own parents? I’m not sure if anyone has suggested this but perhaps he is actually jealous of the attention DS is getting from your parents and is feeling side lined, can’t admit this without looking like an insecure twat and instead is redirecting the issue to him spending time with his son.

you said he loves your parents and would always want to pop in to see them and also the fact he is with DS all day and night..it’s not adding up. Your parents sound amazing and remind me much of my own, ignore the negative comments.

None of those things are relevant to her partner being jealous of the amount of time their son spends with her parents. And she has answered most of them.

You're massively reaching, and you come across as old and bitter. Your comments say more about yourself than op.

it's not a race to the bottom

just because your parents sound shit doesn't mean you need to be jealous of anyone else whose parents actually like spending time with them and their GC - aka most healthy families, this doesn't make anyone 'spoilt!'

OP has a long term relationship, a well loved and care for child, a good job with a good wage, owns her own house, and gets on well with her extended family - most people don't have all that - hardly "not getting past the start line in life!"

Stop being so bloody jealous and ridiculous. I've been a lone parent since I was 18 and done everything myself with no family help, I don't resent those who do. OP's DP sounds pathetic, as do you to be honest.

@1offnamechange most people can afford a holiday, even a cheap one, especially if no childcare or house renovation costs.

OP’s never said she couldn’t afford a holiday. Her parents very kindly invited her family on theirs - and her bloke’s being an idiot.

This site is full of women who had perfectly fine relationship with in-laws and when they have a child things have changed, feel the in laws are taken over, blah blah. Literally every week there’s someone complaining about this.

Similarly the husband was fine about his in-laws until he had to see them 5 days out of 7.

it’s just too much for him.

it’s not really relevant if it’s not too much for X, Y or Z. It’s to much for the person in question, and that has to be acknowledged and addressed, and a compromise sought.

Just because your life is different, it doesn't mean there is anything wrong in what the op is doing. It doesn't help your situation to be snide or bitter towards others.

She did I think it's her 3rd post. They haven't been a holiday for many years.

They have obviously bitten of more than they can chew with the house because many years must pre-date the baby.
Unless they've spent big bucks on fertility treatments too.

Doing up a house with a baby must be exhausting. He must feel he never has down time either. Fil can't exactly be working in their house while DH sits with his feet up.

They might be as well to finish the room or the current thing they are doing and leave the renovation for a bit.

Please provide a source for that claim of most???

Your problem is not your DP but your DH

i wish I saw my grandchildren as much and to have my house r enervated is beyond generous.