Was my relative right all those years ago about me not working hard??

[Efogi]

When I was a child, I was quite good academically and did very well without having to try too hard or struggle with any of my school work etc. Got used to being a high achiever.

A relative once told me that I should watch out - breezing through school work so easily without trying much would make me too comfy and complacent and I'd never learn what it meant to truly work hard to achieve something or have real drive. He told me a story of how the most inteligent girl in his class ended up as a petrol pump attendant as after breezing through school as she didn't know how to work hard.

Fast forward to working life and after a slow start in my 20s where I probably coasted along and never felt in right role, I've done alright for myself but I wouldn't say I was a high achiever in work - more a solid and reliable colleague who's moved up gradually and also been in right place at right time on a few occasions too.

One of the things I have been told by a few bosses is I don't have as much 'hunger' as others.

I have colleagues that are workaholics, do 50-60 hour weeks and are relentless in their pursuit of targets/ goals. Sometimes they skip lunch and seem to neglect their wellbeing to ensure they fit more work in.

I've never gone to those extremes as I know Id burn out very quickly but I get what's on my to do list done well and efficiently, I work late sometimes when it requires it etc and probably go over my hours some weeks. I can't claim to be as relentless as some of my colleagues though and I wonder if there's something missing for me with that.

Recently lost out on a promotion and I've felt a bit downgraded at work. Made me reflective on my whole mindset about work and my relatives words from all those years ago have come back to haunt me.

Is my approach all wrong? Does it seem complacent compared to the workaholic colleagues?

I'd say I am ambitious but at the same time I've never wanted to be a complete slave to a job and sacrifice my wellbeing to climb to the top as I know I'm just a cog in a machine and can easily be replaced.

Feeling down about the situation and would be great to hear some perspectives.

Have you been given feedback about why you missed out on the promotion and what you need to work on to get it next time? If not, I think that's a conversation you need to have and where your focus should be.

I think it's probably quite intrinsic in your personality wether you want to work long hours to succeed.
I burn out quite quickly, more so now I am older. I've deliberately stayed just below the level where it's about doing whatever hours it takes to get the job done, because frankly a) I would rather spend my spare time mumsnetting and b) I know I wouldn't last long at that pace.

I don't think one way is right and one wrong, but you do have to accept that if you aren't prepared to work long hours and/or appear highly dedicated, you're unlikely to be promoted.

Do you go above and beyond. Are you always prepared to help out others or do you just get your stuff done?

Also with promotions, I worked out that for the extra £10k or so per annum, by the time you worked the extra hours expected, the hourly rate was about the same as what I was on already.

Are they working more - actually producing more work than you - or are they just present in the office/at their desks more than you? Speaking up more and sending more emails?

Some workplaces seem to have a culture where ‘showing commitment’ = being seen to get in early and stay late and being present at a meeting doesn’t count unless you talk as much as possible, even if you’re not adding anything to the conversation.

Our DS is a bit like you, he breezed through school, then didn't work hard enough for his A levels, he thought he had missed out on his chosen uni. He looked absolutely crestfallen, then half an hour later discovered he was in.
I really thought that would spark him into working harder, nope. He is happy to just to do enough, and that it what he does. He doesn't appear to have any great ambition or drive, he isn't materialistic, so isn't bothered about earning big bucks.

Totally opposite to me, but I have stopped trying with him, he with either fail or succeed without my input.

Yes and no.

There are people who have real drive. They work long hours, focus only on their goal and aren't necessarily much fun to be around.
They do tend to do well although some of them just get exploited.

I don't want to be one of those people. It looks like a shit life and often the people who have real drive are doing it because they want to show the world or their parents or whoever that they are better/richer/brighter.

I know I'm bright. I know I'm not rich. I know my parents are disappointed in me because they wanted me to be better than all their friends' children but I've come to terms with that and I don't care any more.

It's my life and I don't want to spend it doing what other people want.

Not everyone needs to be a go getter, all workplaces need people who are happy to stick with a job or at a level and develop experience and expertise.

As long as you're happy where you are other people's opinions don't matter.

I'm senior management but have several rungs above me, at every review I'm clear I have goals for me and my team, I'm still learning and progressing but I'm not looking for further promotion, what's wrong with that ?

I've had some feedback. Part of it was the 'hunger' and some other more general things related to the role. There might be another similar position coming up in six months or so.

The person who got the job won the employee of the year award and works all hours of the day. There was no way I could compete with that

This is a good way of looking at it. I'm one step away from all the leadership roles so I'm already senior with a good salary but don't have responsibility of running a team etc

Senior leaders earn 10k more but much more crap to deal with, extra hours loads of meeting and responsibility etc. It's probably a blessing I didn't get promotion tbh I'd be pretty stressed by it all

Maybe I need to reframe my perspective

I always offer to help colleagues but I'm quite low key about things. I've noticed others are much more vocal about things they're doing and it gets noticed more even if there's not much difference in what we're doing

I could probably go the extra mile a bit more. I do get quite bogged down in my to do list as it's so long so doesn't leave time for much else

That sounds like crap feedback and a dysfunctional workplace. Working all hours is inefficient and less effective. I also think it's foolish rather than admirable.

I'd look for a job somewhere less dysfunctional rather than turning inward and diminishing yourself.

Its a remote job. I think other colleagues:

1. Speak up more than I do about things. They talk more in meetings but I find a lot of them do waffle to honest
2. More vocal about things they're doing that show commitment. I do some of these things but am more low key generally so not sure it gets noted

So they're not better than you, they're just playing the game better than you.

OP getting promoted isn't about working hard. It's about playing the game strategically.
You don't have to work all hours of the day. You need to make sure you're working on the right projects, and visible to the right people, taking credit for the right things.
Book smart people are often not street smart and so get left behind.

Climbing as far and fast as possible isn't for everyone and that's OK. I've been asked many times why I've not gone further. I'm senior management but definitely could be higher than I am if I'd wanted. For me, it's not worth it. I've got a decent work life balance, more than comfortable income and work that is actually rewarding (compared to going much higher when it gets a lot drier). If you are happy where you are, that's fine. You don't have to please anyone else!

I relate a lot to your DS approach although I do want to earn decent salary and that is probably my main motivation for any promotion- the money. Maybe not the right attitude but work is about earning money to pay your bills at the end of the day

You've hit the nail on the head. I'm crap at playing the game in the corporate world. I've come across so many colleagues who didn't really have much substance but they could waffle and bullshit

Do you actually want to be part of the 'rat race' though? . Ive done the leadership, work myself to the bone roles and it made me ill. Now im in a job that pays me sufficiently well and I work to live, not live to work. I give 100% at work, am flexible to a degree, always help colleagues etc etc but make sure I work the hours im paid for and nothing more!. Its much less streessfull!

I’m a bit similar that I was always a B student but probably could’ve been an A student if I tried harder.

I’m pretty happy with how things have worked out. I’m hard-working when I’m at work, but have clear work/life balance boundaries and don’t work all the hours god sends or play the presenteeism game.

This may have made my career path a bit slower than others with more drive, but I’m in a senior role with good pay and an amount of responsibility that works for me in my current life stage - i.e. parent to a primary age child.

Maybe I’d be a head of dept or director by now if I’d tried harder. I’m glad I’m not though. There’s still time for that for me - if I can be arsed 😄

I really appreciate your perspective. I wish I could make peace with where I' am at rather than thinking I have to be something I'm not.

Your description of people with real drive is basically my boss. So talented but a relentless worker to the point they often row about it with family and have developed terrible anxiety. I wouldn't want that level of stress

I wish I was better at this. This is probably what's held me back

Living like that sounds miserable.

Imo we work to live not live to work.

Sacrificing health and the present for...what really?

I want a good salary and to always be learning and developing in my role but that doesn't have to be a fancy job title.

I think deep down I'm not too bothered about big leadership roles as I've seen the stress it causes people, but I do want to earn more money and not just get stuck in a dead end

I agree with this. Requiring someone to be a "hungry" workaholic is a symptom of a toxic work culture. I've worked at places like this - it was shit and I was miserable (as were most of my colleagues).

Also, life is about more than just chasing promotions. I work as a senior technical specialist in a well paid, interesting field and I enjoy my job, but I have no interest in working all the hours of the day or becoming a slave to my employer. I would only go for a promotion if it was because the role interested /excited me.

Luckily my current employer values my skills, and cares about my outputs rather than the number of hours I am seen to be working. I work flexitime and am planning to go part-time in future, and I consider this to be a healthy approach to life, not something lacking in me.