Was my relative right all those years ago about me not working hard??

[Efogi]

When I was a child, I was quite good academically and did very well without having to try too hard or struggle with any of my school work etc. Got used to being a high achiever.

A relative once told me that I should watch out - breezing through school work so easily without trying much would make me too comfy and complacent and I'd never learn what it meant to truly work hard to achieve something or have real drive. He told me a story of how the most inteligent girl in his class ended up as a petrol pump attendant as after breezing through school as she didn't know how to work hard.

Fast forward to working life and after a slow start in my 20s where I probably coasted along and never felt in right role, I've done alright for myself but I wouldn't say I was a high achiever in work - more a solid and reliable colleague who's moved up gradually and also been in right place at right time on a few occasions too.

One of the things I have been told by a few bosses is I don't have as much 'hunger' as others.

I have colleagues that are workaholics, do 50-60 hour weeks and are relentless in their pursuit of targets/ goals. Sometimes they skip lunch and seem to neglect their wellbeing to ensure they fit more work in.

I've never gone to those extremes as I know Id burn out very quickly but I get what's on my to do list done well and efficiently, I work late sometimes when it requires it etc and probably go over my hours some weeks. I can't claim to be as relentless as some of my colleagues though and I wonder if there's something missing for me with that.

Recently lost out on a promotion and I've felt a bit downgraded at work. Made me reflective on my whole mindset about work and my relatives words from all those years ago have come back to haunt me.

Is my approach all wrong? Does it seem complacent compared to the workaholic colleagues?

I'd say I am ambitious but at the same time I've never wanted to be a complete slave to a job and sacrifice my wellbeing to climb to the top as I know I'm just a cog in a machine and can easily be replaced.

Feeling down about the situation and would be great to hear some perspectives.

Describing being ambitious and successful as a choice between having a life or not is disingenuous.

Many people (like me) thrive on and in their roles and industries. It's part of my life, part of who I am. Not all of it, but part of it.

It sounds, OP, like you don't enjoy this particular job that much, that's doesn't light you up or motivate you.

If you find something you do enjoy, that learning more and more about, developing and setting challenges for personal satisfaction as well as professional, then you may find yourself wanting to succeed more than you do now

Wrong. Could still be useless. Or, I could have paid for them myself, having decided it was worth the investment.

The lady I got was great and those few sessions completely changed how I approached my career, resulting in promotions and pay rises that I never even thought possible. Even if I had paid it would be well worth the money!

Not everyone 'needs' a career coach of course. Some come to the same conclusions themselves, some are lucky to have excellent bosses/mentors to guide them.

However the OP sounds like she could benefit as there are basic things she hasn't yet realized after so long in her career. But she has to choose carefully, and have a goal + budget in mind.

Once the groundwork has been laid correctly, it paves the way for so many other things that one can DIY.

You sound sensible. Why do people want to work all hours and constantly seek to climb the ladder?!
Noone lies on their deathbed and thinks I wish I'd worked more.

This is something that resonates with me.

When people are interviewed on their death beds they always say they wish they'd worked less and spent more time with their loved ones, in the moment, falling in love or seeing the world.

Life is a really special gift and it's not all about work and money.

Thank you. When I'm older and look back, I definitely won't wish I'd worked more so not about to start doing crazy hours.

I think I just need to stop beating myself up about it all and accept that I've got to a good place in my career good salary and work life balance and there will be future opportunities whether in current role or another. However I don't necessarily need to aim for leadership as I don't think it's necessarily what I want

Your relative made the mistake of equating academic intelligence to success. I’ve no doubt there’s a correlation but it’s not a given.
You sound happy. That sounds successful to me. There’s a lovely story about a business who meets a fisherman and gives him advice on how to be super rich. I’ll try to find it. It makes a lot of sense.

I think it's fine! I was very bright at school, straight A*s etc found most things easy. As an adult I would say I'm only moderately ambitious. That's just my personality. I hate being stressed and I'd rather coast a little bit at times as I enjoy life more that way, and money isn't everything to me as long as I have enough for a nice enough lifestyle for my needs.

https://paulocoelhoblog.com/2015/09/04/the-fisherman-and-the-businessman/

• business man

No one gets to 90 and thinks oh I wished I worked an extra ten hours overtime and saw my family less and took on more stress.

I remember one office I was in, turning up early or staying late was seen as a good thing. I thought it just showed bad time management myself - sitting around for the sake of it! Very frustrating. Can’t be bothered with that.

I'm in a similar position OP - I definitely could have achieved more and indeed still could if I made a bit more effort. But I don't want to make more effort, so I live with the feeling that I should be achieving more!

And it's not about working longer hours, it's about being driven to take on new challenges, claim credit, push to be given new roles and responsibilities...I work with people who do all this and they achieve more in terms of advancement (if not actual work that needs doing).

You can change your mindset or at least pretend to. The question is do you want it enough? Maybe this has been your wake up call. I am still waiting for mine .

You sound like you have a good balance, you work extra when you need to but not for fun. Why should you? Why should anyone have to work several hours a week more than their contracted hours?

I used to work with a woman that would come in to work 45 minutes early and leave 15 mins late. That’s over 20 hours extra a month. If we were talking about jobs with huge salaries then that’s different I guess but were talking about a role where the pay was not much more than the minimum wage.

She cane in early as there was soo much (too much to do) and she always seemed to excel and make it look easy as she would get her targets etc…. Other staff members struggled because they couldn’t get in as early as she could.

So other people looked incompetent because Zoe could do everything so why couldn’t they? The reality was Zoe was spending an extra 5 hours at least a week if her own time because the expectation was too high and it could barely be done in the normal hours. Zoe was making everyone else look bad to the managers but they didn’t it’s because she worked for free so it’s not great for anyone.

We all have an innate personality, I don’t think it can be truly changed.

DH is a very gifted man but is too nice and not as driven as some just like yourself. He has done well enough in life but some of his friends really are top of the tree, the sort of 250k per annum types that are actually vanishingly rare except on MN, they are mainly arseholes that work in the city.

I remember a younger member of staff who had that hunger, he trampled all over people and was ruthless. He is incredibly successful but a total cunt and I’m glad I don’t have to look at his smug self satisfied face anymore across a meeting table.

I remember turning down promotion, my boss was absolutely taken aback, life’s too short and I have retired early. We have done many financial trajectories and he is actually probably going to retire next year. If he put in another five years he could probably make the very top of his career tree, it’s not 250k but it’s a lot more than he is on. But then we are all a long time dead and we want to sit on beaches in Wales watching sunrises. Some of our friends have died in their fifties and it’s been a total mindset changer.

Do you have other things you can place at the centre of it, derive self esteem and meaning from? I think that could help with the feeling of deflation.

I think your attitude to work is very healthy.
Plenty of people willingly burn themselves out and ruin / miss out on relationships out of ambition.
Who was it in Macbeth who said that roaring ambition o’erleaps itself? People who sacrifice everything to get ahead end up with nothing. Work isn’t everything, you are good at what you do - that is success in my book.

I've seen people work hard , go the extra mile and get nowhere . I've seen people coast , take credit for others work and generally arse lick their way to promotion. Just do no more or less what you are employed to do and look busy . I learned my lesson.

I did very well in my g.c.ses but haven't done much academic since. I've worked low paid jobs. But I want to be content. I don't always want to be chasing the next thing .

Absolutely nothing wrong with not wanting to be a workaholic. It’s got absolutely nothing to do with academic ability. Everyone is wired differently and our family life and life experiences shape how we view work/money/ambition. I was ambitious when I graduated but now I’m in my 40s I work to live not live to work. But I have earned reasonably previously and my husband has a well paid job so I don’t have the internal impetuous to slave away and miss time with my kids. Money is important in life to live but aside from paying the essentials earning money and status is always a cost/benefit to general happiness. So if you earn enough and are fundamentally happy in your life I’d say you were winning in life. Stop worrying about the right or wrong way to have a career.

We have a few Zoes at my work too and I think this is part of the problem. I do try and do extra etc but I'm not a Zoe so I'll always look rubbish in comparison

I have a few hobbies and a lovely family so I do have other things but I think I always need validation from others to feel good about myself and sometimes don't get it at work

A leading retail chain takes on graduates a management, they are on a salary and some work 20 hours a week extra for nothing . They end up burnt out , extremely stressed and then quit and the whole merry go round continues again .

This is an interesting thread OP. I was very academic at school, worked extremely hard and got top results, went to uni etc. As others have said it doesn’t translate to success at work - that requires different skills. I’ve done reasonably well in my chosen field but I still work very hard. That’s not a boast, I work harder than I think is healthy because I’m in a public sector job that’s understaffed. I struggle to do a less complete job and to work more reasonable hours. So to me, you have a much better work-life balance and a healthy approach. I can see that you might want to develop in certain ways but I’d say keep the laid back attitude! Comparison really is the thief of joy 😊.

I'm a bit like you. I was an academic over-achiever but settled for a really safe job in my mid thirties after years of financial instability chasing my 'passions' (or the image I'd been taught to want).
Your life and how you want to live it is more important. I was sniffed at in my office for not going for a promotion. I'm sorry but that role was about 15 more hours per week and after tax comes in at about 30 quid more in your pocket per week. No thank you! I'd hate to turn into someone who thinks pointless spreadsheets are urgent matters.

Personally I'd view a company that rewards and promotes staff working for free, skipping lunch and working late are exactly that as a big red flag. I work extremely hard at my job and I'm very dedicated to it. I also make sure I'm out the door at 5pm when they stop paying me. My workplace actively encourages this because they value and promote healthy staff and a good work life balance. As a result our turnover is low and most staff have been here a long time and are very skilled. It's a lovely environment to work in despite the job itself being intense and at times demanding and stressful. The last job I had that criticised me for working my hours, I left.

A job is a job, they will replace you if you need to leave for any reason and noone is indispensable to a company like that. If they did value their staff they'd value their time.

Hungry is a toxic phrase.

You are describing me! I coasted through school doing very little and cramming the night before exams. Same at uni. Got into a grad scheme by somehow managing to write an amazing application followed by a couple of brilliant interviews. I'm very introverted but have the ability to personality switch when it suits me. I'm sure I'm neurodivergent.
At work I operate at about 50% capacity, enough to tick the boxes but don't go over and above. If something I'm working on really interests me I can operate like a machine and wow everyone. Then I go back to operating at normal capacity. I know if I worked like that all the time I'd have reached the top by now. But I just can't be bothered. Which annoys me because I do like the thought of being paid more but I don't think I'd handle the stress well.
I envy people who work hard 100% of the time and go up and up the organisation whilst at the same time not being arsed to do it myself. It's bizarre.