To worry my son won't live up to his father's expectations

[anotherloadofwashingtodo]

We always said we'd have 2 dc.
I had 2 daughters with dh and he has always been a hands on dad but he has always wanted a boy and kept saying we should try one more time so we did and it's a boy and he's over the moon.

Ds hasn't been born yet and he's already treating him differently, he's been out and bought him all new baby clothes which is something he never took an interest in with the girls who had mostly hand me downs and eBay bundles but he doesn't want that for ds.
While in the shops he was looking at table football like foosball and said this is why I wanted a boy, I can't wait to have someone to do all this with, even though the girls would love it too. He says it's not the same.

I'm starting to regret that we tried for another, I think I just felt that he was not going to be happy until we tried that last time and he kept on.

He seems to think this boy will be a mini him and his little mate, not only does that put huge pressure on ds to live up to this vision but it's clear the girls are not as special.

Oooo red flags everywhere

Would he be open to counselling? I think he needs to talk this through and absolutely change his behaviour before you baby's born because issues are going to arise and resentment between siblings too

Def need to think about counselling for your DH. What if the child identifies as gender diverse when they are old enough? Rigid gendered expectations of unborn children are terrible.

My ex was like this, but he wanted girls.

He had 2 sons, then we had a son, then we had a daughter (then 2 more).

He always wanted to be a girl dad apparently.

Well my girls didn't live up to his image of being a girl dad and they haven't spoken in 6 years, I have one who's tattooed everywhere, one who randomly shaves her head and wears grungy clothes and one who has hobbies he just didn't even try to understand.

Your dh is sexist, and he's going to end up, at least losing his girls if he doesn't buck his ideas up a bit.

He's so busy concentrating on the potential of his son, merely due to the fact he is a boy, that he's failing to see the relationship he could have with his daughters.

Ypu have my sympathies op.

Gosh he reminds me of my old boss, a proper misogynist. He sent his boy to private school but his girl to the local comprehensive because she’s going to marry and have kids one day and doesn’t need the private education. Your daughters are going to notice the difference. I think you need to have a good chat with him about how his attitude is not ok and will impact on his relationship with his daughters.

Red flags all over this.

I'd be putting my foot down and telling him to pack it in now because otherwise he is going to favour your DS heavily.

Why does he seem to think that girls cannot like football (table football or other)?

What if your DS doesn't turn out to be interested in football or any of the things that your DH deems suitable for him? There is no law that says these must all be his interests, just a ridiculous gender stereotype.

This will all potentially breed resentment so DH needs a kick up the arse now.

He wouldn't go to counselling, he doesn't see a problem.
We booked a private gender scan and when they said it was a boy he booked another one at a different clinic just to be 100% sure.
He then picked a name that would go with his surname, again he wasn't bothered before and let me choose the girls names.

His son might not be interested in football. Maybe his daughter will be? I'd also worry for your DD here.

This. And kick him very hard. You really should have called him out loudly and firmly on this already - the minute you spotted the different treatment re. clothes buying. Don’t hesitate - do it as soon as possible, because he needs to get his head around not having a mini- me as soon as possible.

What do you think he would say if you sat him down and said 'how would you feel if DS isn't interested in the same things as you, if he's not sporty and is really arty instead, if he doesn't like 'lad' banter and has a different sense of humour etc?

I don't want to pile more worry on, but my dad was a bit like this, had very set expectations of what his male son would like, and got frustrated when he didn't, and looked bored when my brother tried to engage him, and they don't have a relationship because of it - this is partially due to him being rigid in other ways, like discipline - he thought that his way was the right way to parent (shouting, demanding respect, do as you are told) and despite his parenting techniques not actually working, escalating situations unnecessarily and driving a wedge between him and us, he wouldn't even entertain anyone gently suggesting different approaches, or even doing his own research - it was just our fault that we didn't respond well. He never understood that this style of discipline meant that we didn't want to get 'banter' off him either - you can have good natured ribbing if you have a healthy relationship otherwise, but he didn't get that in order to have that, your child needs to feel like you are on the same team elsewhere, including working through issues, and it wasn't like that. I mention all this because I wonder if your husband is the same, because lots of men who have these set ideas for boys seem to be similar.

Your husband is being a massive dick and you need to call him out on his behaviour. Don't put up with it. This blatant favouritism will be a disaster for your family if allowed to continue. Your poor girls.

Why did you pander to that? There’s no way I would have gone for a second scan for that reason.

Sorry if I’m being harsh - but I had to jump on baby sex hopes/expectations, not from DH but from PIL, and I was very very firm about it(other way round in our case).

He's a sexist and a misogynist. Your poor daughters.
There is absolutely no guarantee that a boy will like football etc.

You need to address this before he is born and you need to make it clear that his behaviour is not acceptable.

Christ this is going to damage both your girls and your boy.

I wouldn’t have had the 3rd tbh, it’s clear he only wanted another to “get his boy”. Ugh.

Ask him how he thinks all this extra attention on “his boy” is going to make his DDs feel.

Ask him about what happens if his boy hates football and loves drama.

Stop letting him decide everything.

I would try to find a hobby / toys your husband would enjoy playing with your girls. Encourage this now while you're pregnant and need the rest. My dad bought me a Scalextric set when I was four - my gran thought it was a strange present to buy a little girl, but I really enjoyed playing with my dad.

What do you think he would say if you sat him down and said 'how would you feel if DS isn't interested in the same things as you, if he's not sporty and is really arty instead, if he doesn't like 'lad' banter and has a different sense of humour etc?

I have had this conversation and he just says well I'll accept that and I don't have any expectations he'll be how he'll be and swear he won't treat them differently and will love them all the same etc, but it's his not so subtle behaviour that says otherwise.

He doesn't see a problem so there is not much you can do. I think this will end in disaster. Your girls will feel left out, your husband will not be able to develop relationship with your son the moment the boy starts showing his personality and he still won't see it as a problem. I think this is heading for a lot of heartbreak for everyone and, eventually, a divorce.

All you can do is make sure he does not grow up to be a mini version of him.

My DH was like this. We have 2 boys, a 5 year old and a newborn. Determined thinking they’d both be mini versions of him and the eldest is anything but. Hates football, no passion for it at all and would rather play in the park than kick a ball about despite DH desperately trying. He bought every kit for every season and DS usually says it’s ok I’ll ask mummy for clothes if he gets the kit out. Won’t even sit in the stadium he lasted 20 minutes. He can’t force it. Kids have their own interests and trying to force it makes them less and less likely to abide. Although DS is autistic he still is like an average 5 year old in most aspects, just disinterested in his dad’s passion. Which is fine. He’s hoping DS2 will like football but I’ve warned him not to try force it, or he’ll likely get the same outcome.

Although taking more interest in your pregnancy and buying for baby boy as opposed to his girls is outrageous. My DH would chop his right arm off for a little girl but I’m done having babies now. Tell him to rein it in or start having the same interest in his girls!

I feel sorry for your unborn son, but even sorrier for your daughters. This would be an ultimatum from me, but I appreciate that's easy to say when I'm not the one pregnant with two small children.

But for the avoidance of all doubt, your husband is a misogynist, and he needs to sort himself out before he destroys his relationship with his daughters.

Fathers and sons often have a difficult relationship. If the son does not live up to the father’s expectations, he will often reject him. Daughters are often loved for simply who they are, while sons have to grow into someone he’d respect.

I am sorry, you will have to manage this situation best you can. At least you can love your son for what he is rather than what he can become.

Girls can't play foosball?

Those poor girls. I know what it's like having a misogynistic father who regularly shows you that you are second class. Haven't seen mine for 30 years.

If you are not married don't give your son his last name in case you split. How you can bear to stay with a man who treats your daughters this way I can't understand it. He thinks because of their sex they are of less value. Less interesting. Less fun and clearly much much less deserving of love and resources. He thinks the same about you and has ignored your thoughts and opinions on this issue.

He's an arsehole that doesn't deserve kids.

I think it's fairly natural for men to want a son and so what if he has a preference.
I wanted a daughter and was very happy when I got one.
Does that make me a man hating misandrist?

Have you read the OP?
It not just about having a preference is it? His behaviour is disgraceful.