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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

To worry my son won't live up to his father's expectations

107 replies

anotherloadofwashingtodo · 09/05/2024 10:04

We always said we'd have 2 dc.
I had 2 daughters with dh and he has always been a hands on dad but he has always wanted a boy and kept saying we should try one more time so we did and it's a boy and he's over the moon.

Ds hasn't been born yet and he's already treating him differently, he's been out and bought him all new baby clothes which is something he never took an interest in with the girls who had mostly hand me downs and eBay bundles but he doesn't want that for ds.
While in the shops he was looking at table football like foosball and said this is why I wanted a boy, I can't wait to have someone to do all this with, even though the girls would love it too. He says it's not the same.

I'm starting to regret that we tried for another, I think I just felt that he was not going to be happy until we tried that last time and he kept on.

He seems to think this boy will be a mini him and his little mate, not only does that put huge pressure on ds to live up to this vision but it's clear the girls are not as special.

OP posts:
JamSandle · 09/05/2024 10:56

A child is their own person. It's dangerous when parents have children simply to imprint who they want them to be.

WhingeInTheWillows · 09/05/2024 10:59

I think this will end up breaking up your family. If your son is like his dad your girls will notice he’s being favoured. If your son is a disappointment to his dad then your son will notice. Unless you can get him to change there’s only trouble ahead.

CountryMumof4 · 09/05/2024 11:04

He'll have a bit of a shock in the first few years in particular, I expect. While my boys are very much 'boys', they've all favoured being with their mum. They love baking and crafting, as well as football etc. And they were all very much in the slightly Freudian 'in love with their mummy' stage for at least the first 6 years.

I guess all you can do is wait and see what happens and try to manage expectations. It sounds like it'll be on you to ensure your daughters don't feel left out, which isn't fair. But I suppose you're for-warned at least. Best of luck with it all - I'll keep everything crossed that it all settles down for you.

Illpickthatup · 09/05/2024 11:22

I'd be worried too. That is an immense amount of pressure to put on a baby who's not even born yet. And the poor girls are definitely going to feel like they aren't as important or as loved. He sounds very old fashioned and backwards in his thinking.

I'm the only girl in my family and have 3 brothers. I'd say I'm more like my dad than any of my brothers. I never felt like any of us were treated differently growing up. I certainly wasn't guided to be a girly girl or treated differently because I was a girl.

labracadabras · 09/05/2024 11:29

ElaineMBenes · 09/05/2024 10:34

He's a sexist and a misogynist. Your poor daughters.
There is absolutely no guarantee that a boy will like football etc.

You need to address this before he is born and you need to make it clear that his behaviour is not acceptable.

This and he doesn’t get to choose the names.

call him out now and insist on counselling

Medschoolmum · 09/05/2024 11:37

Wow, this is horrible. There will be so much pressure on your son to live up to his dad's expectations, and meanwhile, your poor daughters will be second class citizens in their own homes. It's a terrible situation for all of your children.

I'm afraid you need to think hard about how you can protect them from their father going forwards, as this has the potential to be incredibly damaging for any one of them, or indeed all of them. Realistically, it sounds like his issues are deeply ingrained so you may not be able to do anything about him - it will be all about damage limitation at this point.

Sizzle7654 · 09/05/2024 13:01

Majority of these reply’s are bonkers , let him be excited have his moment , I’m sure he will calm down and everything will go back to normal and be just fine. Don’t create a problem before there Is one

HcbSS · 09/05/2024 13:41

Jamiedodgers · 09/05/2024 10:15

Gosh he reminds me of my old boss, a proper misogynist. He sent his boy to private school but his girl to the local comprehensive because she’s going to marry and have kids one day and doesn’t need the private education. Your daughters are going to notice the difference. I think you need to have a good chat with him about how his attitude is not ok and will impact on his relationship with his daughters.

Blimey!
I hope his daughter goes on to become a surgeon, lawyer, police officer or WHATEVER but gets to the top of her game, working full time, earns a great salary, buys a house with her own money and tells her mysogynist father to stuff it.

LakeTiticaca · 09/05/2024 13:46

He needs to remember he has 2 daughters.
My brother was the first son to be born after several generations of multiple girls on my mums side, he was treated like a God and could do nothing wrong. My mother didn't even bother to hide the fact that he was her favourite, he could no wrong in her eyes. After 60 years of it am I still bitter and resentful? You bet I am!!
Your husband needs to think on, OP

bakewellbride · 09/05/2024 13:57

My 10 year old niece loves football. My son really isn't fussed by it! Your dh is an idiot for having such fixed stereotypes in his head, how awful for you to deal with.

justlonelystars · 09/05/2024 14:02

This is quite sad. I have a DS myself (2.5 years old) and take him to football. The amount of men I see bellowing at their boys because they’re not playing “properly” makes me sad and think those men just wanted a “proper little boy” and don’t care about their sons actual needs and wishes. You need to sit him down and discuss with him. Ask him, what if he likes pink and dolls and dancing? What if grows up to be gay or transgender? His answers will probably give you good insight into how he will treat this little boy as he grows up.

Protect your girls too. My dad had an obvious favourite and it was difficult on the children who weren’t that favourite - it still affects them to this day.

ElaineMBenes · 09/05/2024 14:03

Sizzle7654 · 09/05/2024 13:01

Majority of these reply’s are bonkers , let him be excited have his moment , I’m sure he will calm down and everything will go back to normal and be just fine. Don’t create a problem before there Is one

Unfortunately, there already is a problem. The OPs husband is displaying sexist and misogynist behaviours. I consider that a pretty big problem.

Sizzle7654 · 09/05/2024 14:22

ElaineMBenes · 09/05/2024 14:03

Unfortunately, there already is a problem. The OPs husband is displaying sexist and misogynist behaviours. I consider that a pretty big problem.

Show quote history

If you say so…

MsLuxLisbon · 09/05/2024 14:40

Jamiedodgers · 09/05/2024 10:15

Gosh he reminds me of my old boss, a proper misogynist. He sent his boy to private school but his girl to the local comprehensive because she’s going to marry and have kids one day and doesn’t need the private education. Your daughters are going to notice the difference. I think you need to have a good chat with him about how his attitude is not ok and will impact on his relationship with his daughters.

Quite apart from the misogyny in this, how does this man think his daughter is going to make a good marriage if she went to the local comp? Surely an ambitious father would want his daughter to marry rich.

Peonies12 · 09/05/2024 14:50

too late now but no way I would have gone for a 3rd. What if it had been another girl. Your poor daughters. I feel so sad for them, and the new baby. He needs to massively shake up his views of sex (biology) and gender (social construct). Kids can be whoever they want. How will he handle a male child who isn’t interested in “male” things? Or if one of your children doesn’t want to dress or act in a gender normative way. Or are gay or transgender?

ElaineMBenes · 09/05/2024 15:01

If you say so…

@Sizzle7654 don't you think it is sexist and misogynistic to treat girls unfavourably compared to a boy? To assume that a boy will like stereotypical 'boy' things and to actively discourage girls from developing those interests?
Not to mention pressuring your wife to have another child so you can have your boy! It's awful...

mathanxiety · 09/05/2024 15:05

Pick up the phone and book you and your H into counseling immediately.

This is huge. Don't let it fester. It has to be addressed.

MotherofChaosandDestruction · 09/05/2024 15:14

My ex was the same and as it turns out DS is a total mummy's boy and doesn't really have time for his dad.

OhYoko · 09/05/2024 15:41

I hope the kid is into absolutely none of the stuff your husband wants him to be and wants to wear glitter and watch nothing but Strictly of a Saturday and totally avoid anything to do with football. This is red flag central and you need to talk to him about it before the baby is born. And as for him buying all new clothes etc for the baby and having had no interest/thought second hand was good enough for girls etc but not for "his boy"- absolutely vile. I would have absolutely no respect for this man.

IdgieThreadgoodeIsMyHeroine · 09/05/2024 15:56

softslicedwhite · 09/05/2024 10:48

Girls can't play foosball?

Didn't you know? Foosball-playing ability is restricted to the Y chromosome.

Hankunamatata · 09/05/2024 16:00

I'm glad Iv got all boys as I think dh would have fawned over a girl. He tries to make the boys like what he likes rugby and racing but they have zero interest. They love football!

DottieMoon · 09/05/2024 16:14

Have you called him out on the fact that he is already treating this baby differently over his two DD's? That he showing favouritism by all the examples you mention in your opening post and how that will make his DD's feel?

I think is disgusting behaviour. I feel sorry for your DD's and how his actions will make them feel.

SleepingStandingUp · 09/05/2024 16:19

Your poor boy.

I have three and they're all so different. First born really has no interest in sport, the only clubs he was interested in were gymnastics and cheer. He loves reading, making Ng up plays, dressing up, dancing. Didn't like dinosaurs or robots or cars. Isn't interested in Marvel. DH loves him completely. Twin 1 is stereotypical boy- wheels, cars, footballs, mess, climbing, but he's also my absolute cuddliest, neediest child. DH loves his completely. Twin 2 is somewhere in the middle, loves order and drawing but also getting messy and being loud. DH loves his completely.

Mischance · 09/05/2024 17:09

I have 3 girls .... my OH was thrilled with all of them, but I got plenty of prattish remarks about how disappointed I must be .... unbelievable.

Your OH is being utterly ridiculous ... please feel free to tell him so.

It is these sorts of rigid expectations that have led us down the gender dysphoria epidemic route as young people have decided that they don't want to be funnelled down a narrow channel.

YankSplaining · 09/05/2024 17:19

Honestly, I think the clothes thing is more concerning than the foosball table - used clothes were okay for the girls, but not the boy?

Yeah, girls can like foosball, but I understand why he sees it as an activity a boy is more likely to be interested in. If I’d had two boys and was expecting a girl, I would have been excited about the possibility of sharing “girl” stuff with them - jewelry making, dolls, dollhouses, books centered around girl characters. Not that boys couldn’t like those things, but the odds are lower. (I had two girls, so I was never in that situation.)

I don’t think this is a horrible situation at the moment, but I see why you have concerns.

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