To be absolutely terrified of getting older

[ThatPeachSnake]

I am 30. I have recently had this overwhelming feeling of being terrified of getting older. I think about my grandparents facing bad health - they seem so sad. They can barely do anything anymore.

And then I think about the inevitable death of my parents. How will I ever handle it?

finally, the most scary thing is the thought of losing my husband. How the hell would I cope?

AIBU to feel this way? I am beside myself with anxiety and worry. Does everyone feel like this?

Getting older, watching your loved ones get older, is daunting, I agree. I'm 51, and life comes at you very, very fast, and often quite hard. However, we're here, and the only way off this ride is death, so I absolutely insist on focusing on all of the wonderful things I have, and enjoying the people I love, while I have them. I refuse to be consumed with worry over the inevitable and the millions of things I can't control. I'll just stumble along and do the best I can to make the most of the time I've got.

I'm 34 and feel the opposite. So many things to look forward to. Have you got kids? That changes your perspective on life in general. I'm so excited to see mine grow.

I find as you get older you appreciate living a full life to old age more.

if you find the thoughts are overwhelming you might want to get some help.

Also sorry to sound morbid but you could lose your dh or anyone at any age so there is literally no point worrying about things you can't control. I try to enjoy every day and make the most of the little things (as cheesy as that sounds!)

I was always very sanguine about aging and death. You know - inevitable, part of life etc.

Then I had a kid which suddenly made my mortality “matter”. And then for some reason when I hit 35 I started to feel really preoccupied by time passing … I think moreso because the last few years have been quite shit- so it feels like time and life passing by- not just passing.

Tbh I just try not to ruminate- and also, life feels quite long when I think I’ve probably got another 30-35 years of work left. I’ve only done 20, and only 15 of those as a full time member of the workforce - and I’m knackered 😅

Age is a privilege denied to many.

I’m 36 and have had this a lot recently. I think in part it’s due to losing a family member, but also I just feel older. I’m trying to not let it overwhelm me but it’s hard.

This 👆

Getting old is better than the alternative.

It's about attitude. Mil is mid 90s we had a great day today shopping for a new landline phone, shoes for me and went to spoons for lunch.

I see people move into small independent living flats...McCarthy and stone places and a lot and up watching daytime tv. It's about having something to do a project and I won't be beaten attitude.

yesterday I was on a garage roof with one of my old customers because it's been leaking, he's 82 last year he broke his hip, he's had a stroke but he's still not going down without a fight.

I'm 55 retired and looking forward to the future...it's going to be fun because I am going to make it fun

Losing parents was something I always dreaded, but we are capable of much more than we ever believe we are.
Witn age, comes wisdom and coping strategies, basically because we have no choice than to learn how to handle trauma when it happens.
Age is actually something to be grateful of and not fear. So many aren't so lucky x

Live in the moment. You can’t spend your life worrying about things you can’t control, it is overwhelming but we can’t change the inevitably of it all.

there’s a 75 yo woman at my gym. Goes 5 days a week. Fit as a fiddle. Strong, flexible. I aspire to that.

You've got another 40-50 years of working fulltime to look forward to. On the positive side, you might have just paid off a mortgage by the time you're eligible to collect any state pension that might exist by then - perfect timing for having to help your kids or grandchildren to pay for somewhere to live.

I think the usual timeframe for starting a real midlife crisis would be somewhere around 2040 for you. Until then, I'd suggest some counselling or therapy for anxiety before you reach the age at which they might consider prescribing HRT (45).

Seriously - you sound like you're stressed and ruminating on things. Are you under a lot of pressure? Constantly tired? Not eating properly? Hormones giving you the PMT fear? It's understandable to have such thoughts when you're run down and still have to function, so never get any proper rest - but you can get help so you can actually enjoy

By the time I was 30, all my grandparents and both my parents had died.

Just enjoy and appreciate everyone you have while they're here. It's sad when GPS and parents die but it's the normal order of life.

No, it's not normal to be beside yourself with anxiety and worry about it. I do not feel this way.

Normal to not look forward to it of course, but your reaction is extreme. It's something that you can't change. The alternative is being dead!

I use to feel like this but I am 29 and have lost far too many loved ones too soon (mum, nana, abuela, abuelo, friends)

Now every year on my birthday I am so honoured to have experienced another year around the sun.

You're not being unreasonable to worry about those specific things, I think everyone does to an extent. But some of them might never happen and the rest is to an extent out of your control. I would try to look at it as fear being a good motivator - to invest in your health and have savings to go towards your pension or to really make the most of your marriage and being mindful that even though noone is happy all of the time, that the time you have together is there to be savoured. Doesn't mean you can't have hard or difficult times, but just stopping to smell the roses a little more. Turning 36 this year has made me really think about what I could be doing to take care of myself better and have more security in my life. Fear turned into action is a positive thing.

It's like that saying everyone gets to be young, but not everyone gets to be old.

I would also say that many people live with various losses every day, its something that floors you but then you gradually grow a life around that loss. There's lots of things we think we can't live with until we have no choice and then it comes down to survival and having no option but to forge a new way forward.

Feeling beside yourself with worry sounds like this is more than a fleeting worry for you though. Are you feeling more anxious or down than you usually would? Is this just down to struggling with being 30 (my favourite years so far have been my 30s) or is there another factor like a new medication or loss or stress? If it's not fleeting and you really can't think past it then that sounds like something that would be worth speaking to your gp or a counsellor about. It's normal to have the worries but it's something you should feel able to control or distract yourself from, you don't need to live with a constant sense of fear even if it's understandable and common.

I feel the opposite (fear of the future, of loss) AND I have kids. So it didn't change my mindset. I had this sadness when I turned 30 that it would be the decade I'd lose my grandparents and witness my parents start to become older people and the inevitable changes that brings. I'm so lucky to still have parents but I am very aware of mortality and how disability free life expectancy isn't that long into later life.

What an inappropriate thing to say, what is wrong with you.

I used to worry similarly, OP, then a friend pointed out that the only alternative to getting older is being dead.

It's the natural order of things OP. I do understand however, as when I was your age I was similarly terrified of death. Absolutely terrified to the point of being preoccupied with it. I think because one of my parents died very young (36) and I, and my siblings, had no support or counselling, death became a huge thing in my 7 Yr old mind.

Now I'm in my 60s and, to be honest, death doesn't bother me nearly so much. It seems to be the way as you age - you kind of accept it. In my 30s I knew a much older woman. She would often talk about her deceased husband. One day she was talking about him and saying she'd be with him soon enough, and I said "Are you frightened of dying Mary" and she said "No duck, not at all, I'll be with my Arthur again". That gave me great comfort.

My great sadness with the thought of dying is that my DC will have to deal with it too one day and I won't be be there to help and comfort then. That breaks my heart.

Yeah I can imagine kids
clild even exacerbate the worry for some people, since you’re now worrying about being around long enough for them.

Wait until you're 40 and have been to a bunch of funerals. Better off not thinking about it, just make the most of now. Losing parent/s is life changing but you could be thinking about it for a short time or your whole life, it's not worth it. Give yourself time to think about it then move on. It's not unusual to think about but dwelling on it won't help you.

I don't think it's really normal to be this worried, though I suffered from a lot of this existential angst in my early 30s too. Life seemed to be rushing past and I felt out of control. Now I'm in my 50s and much more sanguine.

I think it's worth finding a way to work through these feelings - via therapy or via other means - personal or spiritual development, journalling or meditation, volunteering (to put things in perspective), a new activity (to bring energy and joy).

Incredible as it now may seem, you will deal with all the loss and grief that life throws at you. You are stronger than you know. Somehow we put one foot in front of the other and keep on going, and life is renewed and brings new riches even after very difficult times.

I am wondering if this is a form of anxiety, rather than just being about aging? I think it is not very usual to feel like this at your age, and maybe you could see your GP and have a chat about it? I have anxiety, mostly focused on work, I have a family member with health anxiety, so I think anxiety can focus on different things. There are things that can help though.