To be absolutely terrified of getting older

[ThatPeachSnake]

I am 30. I have recently had this overwhelming feeling of being terrified of getting older. I think about my grandparents facing bad health - they seem so sad. They can barely do anything anymore.

And then I think about the inevitable death of my parents. How will I ever handle it?

finally, the most scary thing is the thought of losing my husband. How the hell would I cope?

AIBU to feel this way? I am beside myself with anxiety and worry. Does everyone feel like this?

I’m 34 and terrified as well. My grandparents hardly had any natural teeth left by the time they were 60, and were generally in poor health with arthritis, diabetes, poor mobility, pretty much confined to their house which they could not run without help. My parents are doing much better - actively working, going abroad, enjoying hobbies. But nowhere near the likes of say Tom Cruise. I hope to be the “Tom Cruise” then - currently working out 5 times a week, eating healthy, sunscreen/skincare, 15k steps a day, flossing, yearly dental checkups. I realize it is neuroticism and it is impossible to outwit the time, but I definitely want to be as fit and independent as possible, for as long as possible.

Never fear growing old. It's a privilege denied to many.

I’m sorry you feel this way and can relate. The only thing that keeps me sane is that a primary school class mate of mine never reached 30 years old.

She left behind a husband and two very young children when she was 27.

Since I read of her passing in my local newspaper I am now grateful for every birthday of mine and all those I care about.

Will however be moving to Switzerland or any other country that assists passage to the next realm if I reach 80, can’t be bothered with all the things that go wrong in my genetics pool after that age.

I'm in my 50s and honestly life just gets better and better. I've got more life experience, confidence, money and I am in good shape physically. Don't knock it till you've tried it.

If your 30 with grandparents still alive your very lucky, mine were long gone, one before I was born.

Loosing parents is the circle of life. Without sounding cold I’d rather loose a parent than a child. I’m saying that as someone who has lost a parent. I was far luckier than some, I was 42. One of my cousins was 6yo when my uncle died. I also know other children who have lost parents. My DDs school is currently fundraising for a school mum who died of natural causes last year, she was in her 30s with 2 young children. In the 8 Years my children have been going to the school I know of 4 young parents who have died.

Twelve weeks before I lost my DF I had my youngest child. I’m 49 now and far far too young to think about old age, I’ve got 6 more years of primary school drop and pick ups then many more years of teenage dramas ahead of me!

Death and Tax’s are the only things in life we can count on.

30 is nothing, I didn’t start my family until I was 36yo, at 30 I was living my best life single and travelling.

I know it’s easier said than done, but stop thinking so morbidly!

I'm 59 and tbh I don't feel much older than when I was in my mid thirties. In some ways, life gets better as you get older, as you stop caring so much. I'm also aware that it's a privilege to get older, as so many pp dont. So many hugely successful popstars who literally had EVERY THING, like Michael Jackson, Whitney Houston, Prince and George Michael all died when they were younger than me.

However, I've also witnessed both my parent's decline which scares me a lot. My mum had a severe stroke when she was 77 which left her paralysed, unable to speak or swallow food. She spent the next 4 years of her life lying in a bed, alive, but with no control over anything. It was hugely distressing to witness and a relief when she finally passed awsy.

with my dad, it was a slow decline into dementia and blindness. I cared for him towards the end of his life, which was v hard.

So, for me, I do feel scared about how I could end up. It's the lack of dignity and control that worries me. How do you come to terms with this? I don't know, I wish there was a magic answer, but sadly there isnt, it just a fact of life that eventually we all decline and die.

Sorry, not trying to be depressing, just giving my experience. I think all you can do is enjoy your life, be grateful for what you have, look after your health and value the people who matter to you. What else can you do? And don't put off doing the things you really want to do.

This is going to sound dramatic but I’ve been laid up in bed alone for the past week and a half with bronchitis.

These thoughts all started then. It just got me thinking - is this is what being elderly is? Being alone and feeling ill.

I completely freaked myself out and went down a spiral thinking about all the people I am bound to lose. It feels unimaginable.

💔🌷

And finally, in the words of The Specials, ' Enjoy yourself, it's later than you think'. RIP the great Terry Hall...I

I always go a bit like this if feeling particularly ill and stuck in bed. It does something to my mind.

I think when you're ill and alone and in bed it's easy to let negative thoughts spiral. Can you think of some fun, positive things you can do for when you're feeling better? Honestly, you will NEVER be as young as you are right now, make some plans, be bold, travel, do courses, experience life, decide that you won't look back on your life with regret.

Before I go into "fix it" mode, I get it and I understand! I dwell on stuff myself from time to time, not always constructively like my thoughts below might suggest! Its perfectly normal!!

Our brains are calculators, they're highly skilled in problem solving. Anxiety, generally, exists when there is a disconnect between thought and action because the way you're thinking about it means there is a "problem" and no action you can take to "solve" it. Or at least it seems that way.

When you're having those feelings, an option might be to thinking of true things you can say, or things you can do, for people you care about .. or maybe make try to make plans to enjoy the people you care about whilst they're still here.

On coping without partner, it could be either way around & maybe they need to talk about life without you too, so maybe the both of you can imagine worries and talk them over? Is there anything practical you can do to be prepared for such possibilities? Many people bury their heads in the sand, and don't get further than quietly worrying .. but doing absolutely nothing. Articulate those fears, talk them over, and if there is anything you can do to ease the worry ... focus on taking whatever actions are reasonably possible

I've really started worrying since working with elderly people and constantly hearing them say to me " it's no fun getting old". Then again I do only see the ones that are struggling and not so much the ones who have a good quality of life. It does worry me hugely though.

After losing all my grandparents I felt it a bit. The biggest hit for me was when my parents were both retired. It's hit me hard that they're in their final phase of live and having health issues. Time is suddenly going in very quickly and they're acting like they don't have many active years left. Going through this, having to help them a lot, whilst going through IVF to try and have my own children is quite challenging.

I can totally relate OP. I have just turned 30, and I am absolutely terrified of death. I have actually just enquired about having (more) counselling to manage my panic attacks and anxiety. It’s sad because it’s making my world so small.

I'm twice your age. I never worried when I was as young as you are now. You still have way more life ahead of you than you have behind you. I now have way more of my life behind me than ahead of me. It's a chilling thought.

It's why you need to live your life to the fullest. Make every day count. I'm not that great at taking my own advice but I am hoping to partially retire soon and after a lifetime of studying/working, I will finally have some time that's mine.

I think you are very young to have thoughts like this, and think you should consider talking to a professional about how you are feeling.

I only ever had one grandparent. The others either had died before I was born, and one grandad when I was 5 so I don't remember him. Both parents died when I was 43. It's very sobering to realise that you are suddenly the older generation. I carried so much dread of my parents dying, but when it happens you have no choice but to carry on.

The saying, life's a bitch and then you die, is pretty apt.

You're probably feeling like this because you're so unwell. Easy to say, I know, but try to get some sleep now and things will seem better in the morning.

I'm 61, lost my best friend to cancer 5 years ago, plus another close friend 2 years ago, plus various close family members. Yes, it hurts like hell, but you get through it. I also worry about my dh dying - it's only natural to fear the loss of someone who means the world to you. But if/when it happens, both you and I will cope. It will be hell on earth but the pain of loss will gradually diminish. In the meantime, we must make the most of them while they're here!

If you're still feeling like this once you've recovered from your illness, please, please see your GP and ask for help.

Sleep well. We're all on your side! God bless. xx

@ThatPeachSnake My parents are mid eighties and they do lots of things and fit and well - I would stop worrying for a while yet. If it is causing you a real problem then yes I suspect some therapy etc might be in order. No-one know when their time will be but by and large people who are healthy will go on for longer.Of course things can intervene but try not to worry.

I'm 55
Can't face another 15 years of working but equally worry about dying when my kids are still teens.

Slightly different take on things, but here goes. I'm nearly 70. I was looking forward to my elder years, had things in place for a life of comfort and adventure in equal parts. Things went wrong, and I'm now living the life I actually feared - disabled by illness, living on the state pension in a small & boring town, no friends here and no social life.

I have discovered that it's not so bad. Not as great as what I wanted, but I think I'd assumed that being stuck in a little flat with no money meant a kind of living death. It is not! I'm still 'me' in spite of all the restrictions, my personality hasn't changed. I'm inventive enough to keep myself interested, am learning new skills, and I practically live on the internet so am far from disconnected with the wider world.

So ... there you go. Old age can be a wonderful time of life but, if it isn't, your experience of setbacks will depend on your attitude. I mean, some people can make an ordeal out of anything so the adventures & comforts would be wasted on them!

I'd definitely work on your attitude to life, @ThatPeachSnake, especially as fear of the unknown is interfering with your enjoyment of some of your youthful potentials. A bit of therapy now could radically enhance all the years remaining to you

I'm 40 and lost my partner last year at the age of 35 then my parents had an accident and my Dad died on the scene but they bought him back and my Mum is poorly with copd , Dad having treatment for cancer and it makes me scared especially after losing my partner how I will cope losing my Mum who means more to me than most ppl.

It doesn't feel long ago since she was in her 30s rushing around town , them both in their 40s having 4/5 jobs between them and now my Dad can't leave the house unless he's in an ambulance.

Honestly there's no bigger reality check than watching the people you love deteriorate infront of you :(

It scares me.

I think that feeling lousy as you battle bronchitis has brought on these negative thoughts, I hope you recovering well and can be up and about shortly. 💐

At your age, I only had my Dad left so I suppose I’d already accepted that we all lose people and I’m not afraid of it, tbh. That doesn’t mean that I won’t grieve when my Dad goes and if DH dies before me, but I’ll accept it.

Losing a child would be completely different, I’d force myself to keep going for the sake of their sibling, but it would be very hard.

I do not have children. I don’t know if I want children. I’m so scared I will end up alone!

thank you to all that left kind words. I am so sorry to hear about the losses some of you have been through. Xxx

Bronchitis can be a scary condition to manage and I’m not surprised you’re questioning mortality. Does anyone smoke/vape around you?

Old age is not an issue for me however, infirmity is. If I had a switch I could flip when I felt the time was right I would be a much happier person.

I think your first attempt was worst than your second.