To be absolutely terrified of getting older

[ThatPeachSnake]

I am 30. I have recently had this overwhelming feeling of being terrified of getting older. I think about my grandparents facing bad health - they seem so sad. They can barely do anything anymore.

And then I think about the inevitable death of my parents. How will I ever handle it?

finally, the most scary thing is the thought of losing my husband. How the hell would I cope?

AIBU to feel this way? I am beside myself with anxiety and worry. Does everyone feel like this?

This is a great post. I was dreading losing my own parents - I'm an only child and I spent a lot of time with them both. However, they have now gone and I'm just fine. We are indeed, mostly, stronger than we think, and just remember that people have been facing the same things since the beginning of time, and will continue to do so.

I sometimes, usually in the middle of the night, worry about getting actually old - especially after a fall yesterday and bruised ribs - but I would far rather get old than the alternative, and intend trying to make the most of the time I am blessed with.

You are so young, don't waste precious time worrying about something which is so far in the future.

Incidentally, my friend has an aunt who is 101 and still manages at home alone, with no health issues other than using a walking stick, and still goes out and enjoys life. If she had been worrying about old age at 30 that would have been a long time worrying!

I'm 70 and (cliché alert!) living my best life. However, I spent a lifetime preparing to be old. Not in a conscious, morbid kind of way, but by leading an active life, being interested in lots of things, nourishing relationships, keeping fit both physically and mentally.

Seeing that you seem quite overwhelmed by your fears, I would suggest you invest in some counseling for yourself.

I’m 45 and I’ve lost too many loved ones along the way. I see aging as a real privilege, I’m seeing an age that some of dearest never got to see. Embrace each year and be grateful, you get one chance at it.

I'm 57. I'm only concerned in that I'm my daughters safe person as she has panic disorder and I worry for her. I just try to keep myself healthy and actually I'm quite excited at the thought that in about 4 years I can partially retire and maybe only work two days a week. So I don't dwell on death.

As you mature this is quite natural. You gather depth. Life becomes more meaningful, you understand suffering, loss much more acutely. This sounds like a normal development to me. You are losing the absolute confidence of youth, moving into a stage of understanding life in a different way. It’s a positive.

This. My brother died aged 31. Growing old is a privilege. That's genuinely how I see it now.

I feel similar about losing my parents but do suffer with anxiety and have been having counselling for other stress/ anxiety related issues.
I’d definitely suggest counselling if you’re in a position to get some as it really helps to talk to someone about your feelings with no personal connection to them. I’ve also self referred to the local services available which offer psychological support and I’ve been to a couple of sessions that help with managing the overwhelming anxiety.
Someone once said to me that they’d been dreading this day all their life, and it was the day their mother had died. I feel this 💔.
I hope you can seek support 💐.

Sometimes I think: millions of people before me have faced this, millions of people after me will. If they can, I can - there must be a way.

As someone who finds death stalking her family more and more I think it's important to be able to say 'not today'. It is enough that death has not come to call today.

Hiya, OP . . . I used to feel like you. I had lovely DP's and couldn't imagine life without them.

My DP's died when I was 50 . . . they were in their 80's and both had cancer. They died within days of each other after more than 60 very happy years of marriage.

Watching them deteriorate prepared me for what was to come and when they passed away it was obviously very sad but I was also relieved that they were no longer suffering.

Since they died we have experienced some really tough times as a family as we have had two tragedies. We have also had a lot of happiness with weddings, new babies and sharing happy times together.

I have some lovely friends who have helped me so much and I have tried my best to help them when they have gone through difficulties bereavements too. Somehow we find the strength to cope with things that earlier in our lives seemed unimaginably daunting.

I am now retired and can honestly say that I've never been happier than I am now. Yes, I desperately miss the family members and friends I've lost but I spend quality time with my remaining family and friends, and do the things that make me happy. I no longer have to deal with the toxic things that used to happen in my workplace - I never realised how badly that was affecting me until after I left.

I know that tougher times are ahead, I am likely to deteriorate health wise and be unable to do the things that I really enjoy at the moment but this pushes me on to make the most of each day.

Life is a series of 'seasons' . . . each one brings it's joys, worries and grief. I think we need to make the most of the happy bits and help each other through the hard times

Please don't spend your time worrying about the future, enjoy what you have now

Wishing you all the best

My DH died aged 29. Ageing is an absolute privilege. Having the opportunity to create memories, experience life, love, friendship, see different things/places, experience love and loss. Be grateful always

Anyone can get hit by bad luck, but my mum, MIL and FIL have been overweight and inactive their whole lives and it shows. They have a VERY different old age to my dad who has always been the opposite.

So all you can do is try to manage yourself into a group with statistically better outcomes.

As for losing my husband. Yes me too, I'm terrified by it.

Best thing is to try and keep healthy, eat well with unprocessed food and exercise regularly, keep weight to within normal limits. Outside interests are good. Essentially make the most of what you have. We only get one chance at life and it is not a rehearsal. I am 68 if that’s relevant.

I'm 54 and yes, have had this feeling on and off. I think the feeling is quite normal for a species intelligent enough to be aware of our own mortality, because its such a big thing to get your head round, and all the things you fear will to some extent inevitably happen, like death of loved ones, decline in capacity and so on.
Mostly we go through our lives with this in the background, enjoying the now, and not giving it too much thought unless there's a trigger - a milestone birthday, a death, birth of a new generation, retirement etc, and inevitably the next stage of life arrives. Generally transition happens gradually, as we dont go to bed 30 and wake up 80, so we become accustomed to the change, barely noticing it, and carry on. It's only if it becomes a preoccupation that doesn't pass and interferes with the present that it's a problem, so I think the trick is to accept it, then box away the thoughts. With help if necessary.

I'm pretty resigned about getting old. 52 & post-menopausal, damage has been done to my body despite HRT. I'm trying to keep fit & healthy.
Dementia seems pretty much on my horizon. Both parents & their siblings all got it in their early 70s-early 80s. They are the first in both families to get it & their parents lived independently into their late 80s & early 90s.

The physically healthy ones declined over 10 years, bodies too fit & healthy to die whilst their brains failed & they had a life of indignity that they would've hated.
As for the unhealthy ones? Well they were dead within 2 years of diagnosis due to other health issues so they still had most of their brains & dignity.

So it's a dilemma.
We have no idea why they all got dementia relatively early with no family history.
I'm considering genetic testing for the APOE4 gene. I have very mild brain damage due to health issues in my late 20s. It doesn't affect my life although my brain will be more vulnerable.
Dementia seems to be a matter of luck. Maybe it'll skip my generation.

Take control by living a life now, and for the rest of your days, that will maximize your chance of a healthy old age. I really wish I had upped my fitness, strength and flexibility before going into middle age. It’s a LOT harder to build it up at this age. Progress is slower, injury easier, recovery slower. So build your fitness now.

Keep you brain healthy by keeping social, doing new things and learning throughout life.

Make sure you structure your life to give you time to do all this.

You are at an excellent age to build the habits and behaviours that will protect you so you have a good, healthy, active old age.

I wish I had known at 30 what I have just told you! Take advantage!

A lovely post @KnitnNatterAuntie. I feel much the same and am enjoying life so much now that I have retired. I still have a casual (very casual) job, but I just go in, do the basics, and go home - no stress involved.

I’m afraid of years of ill health more than I’m afraid of dying. The stats for healthy years in old age aren’t great. We can all watch our weights, take up hobbies and exercise but there is nothing I can do to stop arthritis. My mum in her late 70s had always been very active and a healthy weight. She now has arthritis and makes herself walk everyday but is in pain and really miserable. She’s lost my dad and her entire family (apart from DC and GC). Trying to stay positive for the GC but it’s not easy.

If something is out of my control, I never give it a second thought. It's way too time-consuming to do so!

Better than the alternative.

I think everyone has a point where they begin to think like this. I have a large family so have had quite a few family members pass away. I have friends who have never lost anyone and are terrified at the thought. Honestly if life is good and without problems don't create them for yourself. Life will hit you in ways you dont expect and you will cope. I've always been a softy and cry easily but the last few years have been brutal and I've really toughened up.

It’s life. It’s a privilege to grow old. The media etc doesn’t give a positive image of older women. Enjoy your existence. Older women are paving the way for you to feel glorious as you age. Bad health can happen at any age so make the most of now.

bluejelly · Yesterday 23:20
I'm in my 50s and honestly life just gets better and better. I've got more life experience, confidence, money and I am in good shape physically. Don't knock it till you've tried it.”

Absolutely, this. 60 last week and the future beckons. 30-60, best years of my life so far, despite some setbacks.

I’m 30 too, and the amount of times I got asked how I was feeling about turning thirty in the run up to my birthday was mad. I felt absolutely fine because the alternative to getting older is to be dead, so I know what I’d rather! I nearly died a year ago, from sepsis, and I think it put a lot of things into perspective for me. People are nearly always much, much stronger than they think and can deal with and cope with so very much, depending on what life throws at them.

I wish I was still 30 😆
Seriously though, you do need some help to deal with this. I thought it was going to be from someone in their 50s like me with health issues piling up like a jenga puzzle!
fwiw I lost both parents by 30, was married & pregnant and it’s been a decent couple of decades since manly dealing with DCs (which brings a lot more worry).

I have always had health anxiety in some form though - and regular anxiety - am finally starting some decent therapy (have had nhs cbt which was frankly rubbish).
Good luck & try not to let anxiety take over. Life is life, with losses too.

It sounds like you need some mental health support, it’s not normal to be that worried about things you can’t control. You need to work on how to focus on each day, worrying about the future is pointless