To be absolutely terrified of getting older

[ThatPeachSnake]

I am 30. I have recently had this overwhelming feeling of being terrified of getting older. I think about my grandparents facing bad health - they seem so sad. They can barely do anything anymore.

And then I think about the inevitable death of my parents. How will I ever handle it?

finally, the most scary thing is the thought of losing my husband. How the hell would I cope?

AIBU to feel this way? I am beside myself with anxiety and worry. Does everyone feel like this?

I am nearly 83 but I remember becoming really panic stricken about being 30. Strangely, 40 worried me less, hardly thought about 50, 60 and then the family made a thing about my seventieth. Which was nice. Then came the big 8 0!!!!!But hey ho! Lots of presents, celebration and guess what ? Still alive. You have a long way to go. Concentrate on being happy and looking after all those you care about. Try not to think about getting old. Every decade has its benefits - always get offered a seat on a bus or train. If I drop something someone picks it up!! I can paint or draw as long as I like. Can still enjoy a laugh and the years have given me more people to love.

Not everyone feels like this OP. Aging is inevitable and it’s better to be a friend to it than an enemy.

Getting older is a privilege. Lots of people don't make it beyond childhood.

Dying of old age or at old age is the best you can hope for, for anyone. Because otherwise it's something much worse.

You don't need to worry about it until it's happening and then you'll find a way to cope even if it doesn't feel like it.

But don't waste your best years worrying about it, because it's a waste of them.

You're lucky you even have grandparents at 30, mine died before I was born.

Live your life for the people who can't.

I dread old age. And I hate getting older. I hate everything about it. I hate losing my looks. I hate the way young, beautiful people look right through me. I hate the loss of hope and excitement and energy – the feeling that life is ahead of you. One of the awful things about life is that one day (and it can quite literally happen overnight) you realise you're not going anywhere anymore. That life isn't something that's about to begin. This is it. You're in it.

Still, you're only 30 OP. That means you probably have another 50 years to live. God knows what the world will look like 50 years from now. Assuming climate change and overpopulation don't wreck everything, we will make spectacular advances in the coming years. I had a spell of reading futurology books (where experts predict the technological advances we'll make). Some of the predictions are hair-raising. We'll almost certainly find ways to slow and even reverse ageing. In fact, bizarre as it sounds, it may be easier to reverse ageing than slow it! Serious people are doing serious work on this. Obviously these are crude first attempts, but we'll get better...and better. Within five years the first senolytic drugs will appear (to clear out senescent cells). This is no longer a fantasy. The mega rich have finally grasped that this may be a possibility and are pumping billions into research. Just browse the new science books in Waterstones. Almost every week a new book is published about the 'end of ageing'.

Then there will be other amazing advances. We may have Virtual Reality systems that are almost indistinguishable from the real thing. Imagine a VR world where you can touch and smell things. Medical nanobots will swarm through the body, killing cancer cells and repairing damage. And god knows what kind of drugs we'll invent. We may be able to radically boost mood, creativity, etc, in ways we can't even imagine.

Plus, of course, there is AI. Again, this could fuck everything up. But it could also usher in a golden age. We simply don't know. Artificial intelligence is just that – intelligence that isn't human. Imagine an intelligence 100 times greater than Stephen Hawking's working on a cure for breast cancer. It never gets bored, or tired, or ill. It never needs sleep. It never has a row with its partner. It just works on the problem 24/7.

Who knows OP, you might die aged 670 in a villa on Mars!! (But probably not lol)

I was all ready to say YABU until you mentioned bronchitis - I had covid last year and although I wasn't out of breath at all, it gave me panic attacks. I had a horrible sense of my own mortality, which got worse when I turned 40.

I'm not lying awake thinking about it, but I am scared of death. My own, my parents - especially as my friends have started losing parents - and it's horrible.

I don't have any advice though really, I am quite pragmatic and try not to dwell, as it's not something I can do anything about.

YABU to be as worried as you say you are. Maybe a conversation with a therapist might help?

I’m an only child and my beloved dad has terminal cancer. This resonates with me.
I’m reading Kathryn Mannix’ book with the end in mind. It’s helping.
Rembering life is always terminal is helping.
Talking to my parents about the loss of their own parents is helping.
My current motto is “Sufficient unto the day is the evil thereof”. I am not religious but it’s helping me remember that today is all any of us have for sure so don’t waste too much of it worrying about tomorrow.

Also if they don’t manage to stop ageing, actually being very old looks no fun at all! I treat loads of old people. Being in your 70s looks great given good health. 80s not bad. 90s doesn’t look much fun. I’d love to live well until 90 and then Soylent Green.

A reassuring post.
I think sometimes people worry about being alone but the pressure sometimes comes from others thinking it's a terrible thing.

Interesting as sometimes you can’t even get a reception on the train home going through a wooded area! Not trying to be flippant but I find this a juxtaposition to the AI talk.

i can’t imagine thinking this at 30, it is young and statistically the odds are in your favour.

^ This

I lost my DH after a lifetime together since our teens. It's devastating. Friends are dying, it's shit.

The only way to deal with getting old is to embrace it and be thankful you're still here. I love my friends and my family, and spending quality time with them is what I value.

I still care what I look like (old) and feel exactly like I did when I was younger. I make the best of my old face and body, and go out in the world like I haven't noticed I'm no longer young. I kid myself that if I act like I've still got it then it somehow makes it true. Although it might just be that I'm a crazy old bat, but I'm alive... and that's all that matters in the end, 'cos one day I won't be and it will all be over. I'm making the best of every second while I can.

I'm not usually a fan of pushing things down, but this is something that until you feel very ready to deal with acceptance..... Just put it away.
You are 30, don't spend your life like this, enjoy the sun, the sky and all the beauty

My Mum was 86 when she died. The last year she only had 1 friend left, all her other friends had died. She got more upset each time one died.

Enjoy each day as it comes, spend time with your love ones as you never know what could happen tomorrow.

I lost my dad when I was 20 in 97 and my mum when I was 23 in 99, they were only 60 and 61. I also lost my 3 grandparents in 96,97 and 98. It was hard going for those 4 years.

I'm 48 this year and my husband just turned 51, it does sorry me we aren't that far away from the age my parents were when they died but there isn't anything I can do to stop death coming as it will for everyone, I just try to spend time with husband and kids as much as I can.

I am 58. Recently I have been worried about not existing. It is inconceivable to me that I may die someday and the world carries on without me. How can that be? What on earth is life all about? Why do we fixate on minutiae, or worry about trivial stuff - we are all passing through.

@ThatPeachSnake That doesn’t have to be “getting old.” But it is definitely what being ill can be like sometimes.

I’m quite ill and a lot of days are like that. It’s lonely. I have no energy. But no, old age does NOT have to be like that. Look at Blue Zones. They’re places where people routinely live, in good health, until over 100. Studies show all of them do some of the same things, and they’re things you can start doing at 30, and do for the rest of your life to guarantee a better outcome.

I know you have very specific fears. But the problem is that fear is a moving target. Once a fear happens, you don’t become less afraid, but usually MORE afraid. That’s why it’s so insidious and it taints everything.

I’m 40. Objectively, I’ve survived all the things you fear. The people who raised me, who understood me and always supported me, are dead of old age. I have no family. My husband left me because I was ill and married my mate from university. And sometime in the next few years, I’ll die. I could sit here every day and just sob, if I focused on it all. Instead… two years ago, I went on Tinder, made my profile photo me throwing up in hospital, said I was looking for men and women, and put in my profile in large letters that I was dying, no sex, and I needed friends in Edinburgh (I live in Geneva). Now I have a best friend. I spent last summer with him. Yes, I spent the whole thing on the couch or in bed, but it doesn’t matter - you have to keep living. The alternative sucks (unless you’re ready for it).

Right now, I’m JUST like you. Been sick for a month, and sick as a dog for a week and a half. And yes, illness makes me angry and cranky and grumpy, and I’m lonely. But it doesn’t make me fear death. It makes me desperate to live the (admittedly small) life I have left.

I hope you find a trigger that makes you feel the same.

No words of wisdom here but just to say I think about this all the time - I find it very hard to cope with and I lie awake at night panicking about these things

I think this is just anxiety. I'm 12 weeks post partum and found myself obsessing over similar things, I started on citalopram and I've found it's made a world of difference. I wasn't depressed, just really anxious but other people noticed the anxiety more than I did, I thought it was just normal.

What I find interesting is the research suggesting that happiness over a lifetime generally plots a u-shaped curve ( a quick Google will show plenty of articles), I.e., that most people are happy until 30-ish, we then dip in our 40’s and start rising again in our 50’s.

Of course, it’s just a theory and certainly won’t be true for everyone, but I think it has some merit, judging by the people I know IRL.

Hi @ThatPeachSnake . Sorry you’re feeling like this. One thing I can say is that something very horrible happened in my life a few years ago that I really thought I would never recover from. I honestly didn’t know how I would ever be ok and happy again. But a few years on and I am fine, happy, see the world through a positive lens again. We are capable of enduring so much more than we realise. Whilst those things you list will never be nice and will be horrendously hard, you will be ok and you have to try and work hard to rationalise that.

You are right to be apprehensive about getting older but not terrified - what's the only other option to getting older?! I was a very young/fit late 60s and then suddenly, wham, a serious illness and a year of medical treatment and I'm now 72 but feel ancient and ready for the knackers' yard. My advice would be....enjoy life every day, do as much stuff as you can while you're able to and stamp on all those worries about getting old x

At 30 most of your life is ahead of you. I am 70, and one of my good friends has recently been diagnosed with a life restricting lung condition. He loved travel and could afford several holidays a year, but no more. He was a smoker in his youth. My advice would be do what you can to keep healthy. If you smoke or vape, stop. If you drink alcohol reduce the amount you drink. Keep your weight down i found after about 40 it was so easy for my weight to creep up, and so hard to reduce it, so watch your weight and keep it under control. I find eating out and takeaways are the killer at putting weight on. I don't think you need to be extreme in exercise. I find brisk walks help keep me fit. You can't avoid all pitfalls that life throws at you, but you can do a fair bit to improve the odds, and go into your later years in a condition to enjoy them for as long as possible.

I’m so sorry to hear this, how sad.

This scares me so much. I have smoked on and off my whole youth. My parents did when they were younger and my DP still smokes. It isn’t much but I wish he’d just stop. His family all smoke and sometimes will even buy him cigarettes as gifts. I’m annoyed that they made it seem so ‘ok’. When I smoked, I knew it was really bad. He seems to think it’s fine :(

OP, I am nearly twice your age and you're being spectacularly unreasonable. Maturity brings wisdom, resilience, perspective and - most of all - you no longer give a sh*t about what other people think.
You also learn to take adverse events in your stride and not over-dramatise and panic about things outside of your control.
Just enjoy your life AND the ageing process.

I think it's about mindset.
I'm nearly 10 years older than you and feel young.
I can do everything I did when I was 19. So can you?
It may be comforting to know that everyone is the same in this respect. Everyone dies, no one is getting out of this mortal coil alive!
Do you have a plan for when you are older? I don't know if you have kids but I'm looking forward to doing the stuff I don't have time for now, in my 50s...long walks, lunches out, shopping, watching films, having pets.
I'm not from a positive family either.
My father is 75 but has spoken about dying regularly for 25 years. What a waste.

There is nothing to fear in death - it might be a huge relief, when it eventually happens. But don't spend the life you do have by constantly thinking "what if ?" - that really is a waste of a life.