To be absolutely terrified of getting older

[ThatPeachSnake]

I am 30. I have recently had this overwhelming feeling of being terrified of getting older. I think about my grandparents facing bad health - they seem so sad. They can barely do anything anymore.

And then I think about the inevitable death of my parents. How will I ever handle it?

finally, the most scary thing is the thought of losing my husband. How the hell would I cope?

AIBU to feel this way? I am beside myself with anxiety and worry. Does everyone feel like this?

Well, the alternative to getting older is premature death.

And if death was staring you in the face, your last thought wouldn't be 'I'm so glad I spent a lot of time worrying about this'.

im so sorry to hear you went through something so awful. But it is so comforting to hear you’re doing ok now. Thank you xx

Great advice@BeaRF75 Ik turning 50 this year and I worry far less now than I did when I was younger. Yes, my body’s older but I’ve still got a lot of living left to do!

My Mum developed a chronic condition in her 40’s that eventually killed her. She did a lot with her life before that though, and always said how glad she was that she embraced her opportunities. It’s a good outlook for all of us, tbh.

I'm also early thirties and have been feeling like this myself recently! Not so much about myself but the idea of losing my parents feels overwhelming, I just can't imagine how I would go on. They are both in their mid sixties, so may have another 20, but at the same time, they may only have five or six. I can't even contemplate losing my partner.

An acquaintance of mine lost both her partner and her mother within days of each other to covid and I think these feelings started around then. I sometimes lie awake at night worrying about it.

However, neither of my parents were devasted by their parents deaths (grandparents lived until their 80's). My mum explained that it was upsetting but long expected and she had her only family to focus on, and it felt like a natural part of life. I'm hoping this is how I feel when the time comes!

Old age is not for wimps. My DH looked after the health of many age groups and loved the brave and resilient old people he dealt with. I lost my father in my teens and my DM froze in time for many years. I was determined I would find something to rejoice in every day of my life. Drives family mad me saying look at that beautiful rose/ tree/ leaf. And poetry helps if you are a reader. My dc quaking before horrible teachers and exams had” Courage ,he said and pointed toward the shore” If you can Google the poet Cavafy,read his poem Ithaka.

There are so many beautiful posts on this thread, and so many wise words.

OP I went through a phase of feeling the way you describe in my early 30s. My 30s were a truly wonderful decade, I needn't have worried. My parents are declining now (dementia and loss of mobility) and I think how I'd love to have them back as they were then when I was so worried about them. The present moment is one to be cherished. My family is my world.

I increasingly think about my parents and grandparents losing their parents. They coped and I guess I'll need to as well. It will be awful but hopefully eventually a new phase will begin - I don't see my parents' lives as sad or bleak for the last 25+ years since they lost their own mum and dad. They still enjoy living.

I have a friend who runs a ' Death Cafe' in London. It's not as morbid as it sounds! It's just a place where pp can come and talk honestly about their fears about death. It's a v supportive environment, maybe see if there's one near you?

OP, this meditation exercise may be helpful to you. It's about focussing on what you're grateful for. Gratitude is the best antidote to fear, depression and self pity ( not saying that you are doing that ). Please give it a try...

OP I get it, I really do. I remember feeling this way in my 20's.

I'm now nearly 55 and I can hand on my heart say I've never been happier, the older I get the happier I am.

My life is so full, all of the angst of my younger years has passed and I don't sweat the small stuff anymore. My children have grown into adults that I am so proud of and I now have 2 beautiful grandsons that I adore and can spoil without the never ending grind of the toddler years.

My husband and I now have disposable income for the first time in our lives and we have started to travel with just the 2 of us to consider, it's heaven.

Yes my body has begun to ache in places, my knees are not what they used to be and I have lost my youthful looks but I'm ok with that, the pros far outweigh the cons.

Try not to fear getting older, it's wonderful and I wouldn't go back in time for anything.

Many thanks, I've never seen that poem before. It's lovely. I will copy it into my journal and read it often

I’m in my 60s. I’ve been through things that have broken me. None of them are things I’d ever even thought to worry about. Since my 40s my life has been like a long running Eastenders story arc.

what I’m saying is we have no idea how things will work out so do what you can to surround yourself with good people. Look out for red flags and don’t ignore them. Don’t imagine how things will be in the future. None of us has any idea. I have 2 DBs and all our lives in terms of happiness, fortune, health and contentment have worked out completely differently. I don’t think any of us could have predicted our respective futures in our 30s. If you can’t stop focusing on the fear of older age, please consider getting support. It’s horrible to feel so fearful.

This is a cliche. When you have watched and supported the journey of your DM with dementia .

Exactly.

I'm approaching retirement age and most of my close friends are now dead.

I lost 3 in one year to cancer.

Another two were widowed at 40.

3 of my work colleages died young (40's) two had a brain haemorrhage the other had an inoperable brain tumour.

As others have said, make the most of every day (and keep your life insurance up to date !)

I'm over 70 and realise I don't have a lifetime to fanny around or worry about shit; I make the most of simple pleasures. No more worrying about mortgage, relationships, jobs or what the future holds. I'll spend today having tea in the garden with the cats and just enjoy the peace and quiet, knowing I've got the freedom to do whatever I want.

I started down the ageing worry path very young. Because we're taught youth is good, age is bad.

But, then there was this 21 year old, about 5 years younger than me, who came on tv & stated how people whining about getting old made her so, so angry. You see, she was dying of melanoma. She talked about how she sees older people & thinks how lucky they are, because she'll never get to live that long, never experience all the things they have, even the negatives of getting older. I really changed my perspective.

When she passed at 24, I cried for her. I still hate ageing, and wish I was young, but I remember her words, that I'm lucky to still be here. I've travelled, I've had kids, I've had bad times too. But I'm here, and I've done a lot. That counts.

Life has taught me to live in the moment.