Reasonable to expect a surgeon to do this?

[Beeturpot]

ex dh is a surgeon. He became a consultant after we separated. I did all drop offs etc and was called in all emergencies and if dc needed collecting etc. He said he couldn’t leave if in work as it wasn’t the sort of job that allowed it.

I have recently been promoted. I’m feeling resentful that I am doing all the running around for dc. They live with me. Is he right that this is too difficult for him? He claims to start work by 8am and often leaves late. I don’t know anyone in his area of work and i don’t know if he’s taking the piss. He does do his share at weekends. Just feeling fed up.

Like the lack of regard of cancelling your patient's operation to go and pick up little Jimmy from nursery, you mean?

Just FYI - not quite. They make 100k ish unless private and will take home circa 55% of that.

A nanny would cost circa £35k a year.

That leaves £20k to live on.

It is doable but not likely. People forget that when you employ someone you have to pay their gross salary from your net salary.

It's really not the OPs problem. It's his problem to sort out. If he can't be responsible then he needs to pay someone or ask his parents to do it. Surely you aren't suggesting he is too important to parent 🙄

Show me where I've said that.

Someone's surgery is however more important than most things, yes.

On over £100k/yr plus the £000s in well paid senior job OP does? Of course they can afford it. Might have to skip the annual ski trip.

My dad afforded a nanny when my mum was a SAHM and he was just a RAF Military college professor.

No. You are not being unreasonable. Being a surgeon doesn't absolve him of parental responsibility. By doing this he is curbing YOUR ability to progress. I can't believe what I'm reading on this thread.

He may not be able to physically collect them but that doesn't make it YOUR job. He needs to sort out adequate contingencies. You are no longer married. You do not need to be facilitating his career

Yes I have, actually. And I am so grateful to the people who saved me. I can’t imagine treating them with the complete cold hearted disdain which you are. Your approach of “Thank you for saving my life but frankly fuck you” is not how I saw it at all.

People’s surgery is cancelled for all kinds of reasons, usually not because of the surgeons who are extremely dedicated and hard working people who go above and beyond for their patients. do you think the NHS only cancels cancer operations occasionally or for surgeon’s convenience?

Im not surprised you say “not my concern”, your attitude on this thread is selfish and unrealistic in equal measure.

Surgical ward rounds start by 8am so they can be in theatre for 9am. Medical ward rounds start at 9am. The only time he would be able to leave for child emergencies is when he is on his paperwork half day. If in theatre or clinic really unlikely unless you or your child in hospital. If your child was in an accident and the surgeon couldn’t operate because they had to do the school run unexpected, really sucks. There are some jobs where sadly it’s easier for one parent to work from home or leave work and not another. Like if one is in the forces etc the other often doesn’t work for this reason.

You can NOT cancel someone's vital cancer surgery because your kids' nursery wants them to go home.

Nobody was saying that was the scenario.

However, if the scenario is that a surgeon's DC is seriously unwell or in a&e or for some other reason needs the care of their parent, of course the surgeon can go & cancel an appointment or surgery.

They won't do it on a whim.

And what's the fictional back up plan you think could be used?

Your posts make zero sense.

Not “they” but he alone makes over £100k. OP probably makes at least half that. Combined, they can afford a part time live out nanny.

Only it's not her partner. It's her ex. She is no longer responsible for facilitating his career. Either he sorts out contingencies to cover him or he changes career to one that enables him to be a responsible parent. That's obviously not the likely choice but why do people think the op should be curbing her career progression to facilitate his when they are no longer together?

That's exactly the scenario. From the OP: "I’m feeling resentful that I am doing all the running around for dc. "

She's not talking about her kids being seriously unwell or in A&E; she just doesn't want to do "all the running around" and expects him to leave work to step up "if DCs need collecting etc". Her words.

So, no. Of course the surgeon can't go and cancel an appointment or surgery because the kids "need collecting" and if they think they can then yes, they're in the wrong job.

“They make 100k ish unless private and will take home circa 55% of that.”

take home pay calculator with 5% pension contribution says they would take home 67% of £100k

If he makes even £110k, he’d take home £74k.

The nanny isn't needed every day, only on the days OPs ex has responsibility for childcare. So he only needs to employ a part-time nanny, or get an au-pair, which should be more than doable on his salary. If they're employing a full-time nanny between them, they share the cost. There isn't a scenario where OP's ex is shouldering the cost of a full-time nanny alone, so his salary is more than sufficient imo. He may not like it, but he can do it. The deal where OP is his default childcare is over, as they're getting divorced.

Simple question. How would you feel if your surgeon cancelled your op because they had to do emergency childcare. Or you’d had to wait months for a hospital appointment and then it was cancelled for similar reasons. I think wrap around childcare is the answer here.

@RobBeckettsGiantTeeth

Are you wilfully misunderstanding?

Firstly my posts are addressing the other poster @welshweasel that you challenged about cancelling surgery when there was no other option.

Secondly, many posters who work in the profession know that there are times when a doctor (surgeon) can do drops or pick ups, and have said so. You keep being overly dramatic about life or death surgical situations. That's not what OP is referring to.

Thirdly, they are divorced. They need to reach a suitable arrangement whereby her ex takes responsibility for his DC. That doesn't have to mean every pick up is shared, there may be a few options that they can agree together. Saying he can never step up or be available is untrue.

In some ways this profession has more flexibility than other jobs.

BMA pay scale for NHS indicates he is probably on a base salary of £112,356 after 9 years experience. If he has only 4 years, he would be on a minimum of £105,390

Plus a minimum annual bonus (clinical excellence award) of £7,900 and maximum of £36,192

If he’s a really excellent surgeon, his annual bonus would pay for the nanny!

I'm not treating anyone with anything.

I'm saying that no, it's not acceptable to cancel someone's vital surgery or crucial appointment that they may have been waiting in severe pain for months to have to go and pick your kids up from nursery. The fact that you (not you-you, again, you general) do not have a back up plan for that eventuality - which surely you must have realised as a parent is likely to happen at some point - is none of my concern.

Why do these parents not have a back up plan?

*But he's being paid a decent amount and their should be able to arrange an "on call" nanny/au pair/childminder for the days he is responsible

Just leaving it to OP to pick it all up, having her work affected, her career taken less seriously, her pay reduced for emergency leave isn't on - THEY ARE SEPARATED! He needs to arrange his own childcare, end of.*

Exactly.

Hi OP,
If your husband was able to do 50% of the parenting/childcare (which I know he is not) he would not legally have to pay any maintenance I believe.

If due to his job his contribution is going to be more like 90%/10% or 80%/20% with you doing the lions share then try to negotiate a high level of maintenance that allows you to pay for childcare -or whatever helps lighten your load like a cleaner/gardener.

It is rubbish that he can't be a 50% parent or do his share if your kids are sick off school but it sounds like the only way that would be possible is to ask him to give up his job or for him to employ a nanny at his house half of every week, for example, so it wouldn't be him doing his half of the week it would be outsourced.

But wrap around childcare wouldn't resolve an issue with a sick child.

In reality, most doctors will pay for extended hours with an experienced nanny, in order to mitigate against these situations.

But yes, sometimes, a parent is needed and that will impact on an appointment or surgery. In most cases another colleague will step in. So it's a small number of rare situations where this may happen; and the OP's exH can absolutely be available more than he's indicating.

But why is stepping up meant as he must collect and run around DC in person? Why can’t stepping up mean pay an annual allowance to OP to fund a nanny ?

Why do these parents not have a back up plan?

Like what?

You are not being unreasonable because his inflexible work hours are reflected in his salary and he should therefore be able to share parenting equally with you. Many men on much lower wages have to cope with long working hours but still manage to organise child care, even if they can't do it in person.

Aye but when the kids have grown up and OPs career progression (and pay) has been capped due to her constantly being the on-call parent, where does that leave her?