Reasonable to expect a surgeon to do this?

[Beeturpot]

ex dh is a surgeon. He became a consultant after we separated. I did all drop offs etc and was called in all emergencies and if dc needed collecting etc. He said he couldn’t leave if in work as it wasn’t the sort of job that allowed it.

I have recently been promoted. I’m feeling resentful that I am doing all the running around for dc. They live with me. Is he right that this is too difficult for him? He claims to start work by 8am and often leaves late. I don’t know anyone in his area of work and i don’t know if he’s taking the piss. He does do his share at weekends. Just feeling fed up.

No, realistically he can't even on non-clinical or clinic days for anything short of a true emergency (e.g. child hospitalised).

However, I do think he should be prepared to fund a childcare option that reduces the burden on you, such as a nanny on the grounds that his salary would suffice and his occupation means he can't do his fair share.

Unfortunately in the medical profession you can't just leave sick patients when you have a duty of care. You need to have adequate childcare arrangements. When you take a higher paid job, you are taking on a high degree of responsibility, so generally less easy to leave early or flex your work hours. Not sure how this isn't obvious to you.

While it might be hard for him to physically leave his work, he is unreasonable to expect you to cover it all.

If you both were consultants, or if he was a single parent, he would have to come up with some plan, be it a family or paid help.

I know some pairs where both have hard-to-leave jobs, and they just rotate who is the designated default parent and that one just have to deal with the emergency somehow.
I suppose with you being the residential parent, it will be hard to get him to acknowledge his responsibility though. The pairs with this setup are together, in some cases they adopted this approach after one of them threatening to leave otherwise and suggested the alternative is official 50:50 care

There are some professions of spouses that, if you aren't prepared to accept that sacrifices, both physical and financial, will need to be made if children are involved, you shouldn't have kids if you can;t bear the brunt of childcare/childcare finances when it's impossible for the spouse to be there to pick up the slack. Your ex should at the very least provide monetary recompense to help with childcare.

Collect ‘his’ child.

And to add, having worked with surgeons and seeing the sheer amount of hours they have to work, it;s literally impossible to lead a "normal" family life when you are one.

Perhaps Op doesn't want to work less.

She wants him to do some of the parenting!

Great, except....not always possible if the job means they literally physically can't be there. Unless they get a career change, of course.

You're not being unreasonable. Whilst he can't just drop and leave from his job, he has responsibility to ensure that someone else can when the children are in his care.

Or you know - arrange for child care.

"Your" plural.

Stop being pedantic to make some ridiculous overly-feminist point.

By most of the logic on this thread female consultant would 100% had children taken by social services as no ex would kill his career to run around "her" children.

Touched a nerve I see.

Not at all, you were just incorrect in your assumption and your bias is showing.

Your is plural. His and her child.

Why should this be his ex-wife's problem? He decided to have a child and this kind of job, now he needs to find a way to make it work without being a jerk and parasiting on his ex-wife.

My bias being that if you decide to have a child, you will need to make sacrifices to look after the child. Rather than expect someone else to do it.

You were married to him, had children with him and you are asking strangers what his job involves? Very odd.

There’s no need to be sooo aggressively condescending to OP. A surgeon’s job entails more than literally being in theatre.

Why should your career take a hit now that you are not a couple?

He should have set days that are his days for childcare and if they need something on those days it's up to him to sort it, au pair, nanny, his family... His days - his proble to solve OR he compensates you for the days you have to step in and any negative effects on your career.

I wouldn’t feed into this shit anymore. When you were together maybe, not now though. He can put his hand in his pocket to pay for the share that he’s not doing. Why is it ALL your problem?!

Seriously you joking op ..NHS worker here....it's a 6am-2am and potentially a 24 hour job and often a crash on a bed somewhere and stay overnight job...no time out...you want your ex dh to leave Mrs jones mid surgery on the operation table or leave a ward round and not see Mr x to listen to his concerns about his surgery the next day to pick up dc...

YABU in expecting him to be able to leave work unexpectedly given the nature of his job.

However, YANBU to expect that he will arrange for his share of emergencies to be taken care of. His choice of profession should not be your problem now he’s an ex. So does he have family who would be willing to help or can he arrange emergency childcare?

My husband and I both have jobs that are difficult to leave, nowhere near as bad as a surgeon but if I’m in Court and he’s closing a massive deal leaving is really not ideal - so we pay for childcare, have backup childcare we’ve researched and know how to get at short notice and have grandparents we can rely on in case of disaster. He should be making similar arrangements if at all possible so it doesn’t all fall on you.

Unfortunately it’s often part and parcel of being a single parent. My ex lived over 100 miles away so there was no question of who was the default parent.

Im not saying that he should drop everything at work, and I think you know that, I’m saying he needs to organise his own childcare so that he can go to work and not have to worry. Like any other single parent does..!

If you died tommorow, would the DC be adopted or would he find his own solution. He needs to do his share as the coparent, not everyone can leave work to pick off DC but he does need to find a solution to do his 50%. Be it asking a family member, paying someone, or creating his own network of parents friends to ask a favour. You're his ex, you are not responsible for his career.