So upset about my daughter

[Fireangels]

Will try to be brief. But a bit of background. My DM who is in her 80s wanted to update her will. She wanted to include her 3 DCs and her 4 DHCs. My DF is still living but is very frail and has been bedridden for nearly 4 years. She asked my advice as of myself and siblings I do the most to provide care and support to my parents. Since my DFs illness, my adult DD2 decided to move in with my parents to also provide support to them.

Whenever my DM would ask advice about her will I always said it was completely up to her who she left what to, but to express this in terms of percentages rather than amounts as we don’t really know what her estate would be worth. I also arranged for the title deeds to be changed on the house she jointly owns with my DF in case she pre-deceased him in case as a result he has to go into residential care. (This means she can leave her half of the property independently so it does not pass to my DF where it could then be taken to pay care fees).

Once DM had made her decision about her beneficiaries I took her to a solicitor for the Will to be drafted.

When we got back, DM told my DD2 what she had decided. (She stands to inherit a fairly substantial sum). My DD2 who is and always has been very strong willed, was upset. I couldn’t understand why, as I feel that it is a massive privilege to be mentioned in a grandparent’s will.

She later told my DH (her DF) that my DM had told her that she and the other DGCs would be getting far more, and accused me of coercing my DM to leave them less so that my siblings and I would inherit more. She admitted to eavesdropping on conversations my DM had with me, and that she had kept a record of these for some months which she intended to present to the police to accuse me of financial abuse/coercion etc and have me prosecuted. I am absolutely devastated that she has done this. It seems she’s caught snippets of various conversations where I’ve tried to help my DM organise her thoughts (without influencing her), and concluded that I’ve convinced her to leave her and the other GCs less than she originally intended.

I am very close to my DM and discussed this with her. She says she may have mentioned the will to my DD2. But certainly did not make any promises, and said that she does not intend to leave the GCs as much as my DD2 seems to think, the detriment of her owns DCs (my siblings and I), and doesn’t know why she thinks this. Just to be clear, we’re not talking in terms of a huge amount for anyone, just a terraced house in the SE.

So my DD2 and I have not spoken for several weeks, to further complicate things. My older DD1 (who DD2 had always, since toddler-hood been jealous of) gets married in a few months and is devastated that we now have a family rift. Since a small child DD2 has always been unable to see anything from anyone else’s point of view, would argue about anything and never take no for an answer.

To make things even worse, today is DD2s birthday. For the first time ever. I haven’t sent her a card, taken her out, wished her happy birthday or sent her cash for her birthday. I’ve felt sick and tearful all day. But don’t feel I can speak to her atm until she approaches me to discuss. She had never in her life ever apologised to me about anything as she genuinely never accepts that she may be in the wrong about anything. But I just don’t feel I can let this go as I have done about other situations in the past.

Im sorry that this post is far longer than I thought it would be, but didn’t want to drip-feed, Thanks if you’ve read it all.

Please be kind 😢

The support she gives will undoubtedly more than that although you might struggle to put a figure on it. GM knowing a fit adult is there if she needs help to move husband, moral support when she is feeling lonely and struggling. The OPs descriptions of what her daughter does seems to vary depending on the response she is getting. On one hand minimising what DD does and on the other saying her mother wouldn't cope without her.

Having a live in carer costs a lot more than £100 a week.

😂😂😂😂

Yeah, let the Mum celebrate her daughter's birthday, even though the daughter has been a total bitch and will call the police on her own mother!!

Maybe the mother can send her a card, cut a cake and put some bunting up!!

Love, you're not living in the real world.

I agree that no one has a right to inherit, however, it is much harder for her generation to get onto the property ladder/ have the same standard of living as previous generations, and maybe there is a degree of panic from her as to what she will do when GM/GF pass without inheriting. She will lose her home. Yes she should be saving while living rent free, but is she in a potentially high earning role? Will she ever earn enough to buy a property or afford rent in your area?

Also, I also probably had more money spent on me with an expensive hobby growing up, however my sibling was very much the golden child. Spending some extra cash in no way makes up for that rejection from a young age. I am sorry, but you very clearly favour DD1.

This.

Oh OP, what a horrid situation, I'm so sorry.

Since my DFs illness, my adult DD2 decided to move in with my parents to also provide support to them is beginning to sound as though her motives were not, shall we say, entirely selfless. She saw her opportunity!

She clearly doesn't see things straight. I'm not sure what you can do about that, other than always bearing in mind that you're dealing with a very immature and entitled person.

If OP 's mum goes into a care home (as both my widowed mother and widowed MIL did) absolutely mum's half that is left and the value of the house will go to her care.

This is exactly what happened to my MIL and mum. There was absolutely nothing left for anyone to inherit.

Hi OP,

Not at all excusing your daughter's behaviour - it is incredible that she would believe she is entitled to an inheirtance, and beyond the pale that she would accuse you of pressuring your mum and threaten to report you to the police. Ridiculous.

However, it is possible that she is coming at it from the perspective of a late-millenial or Gez Z who are constantly being told - with reason - that the only way they will get on the property ladder is through inheritance.

Her behaviour is inexcusable but maybe her perspective is very different from yours.

Your poor mother - everyone discussing her death and fighting about her money. I would be pig sick if I were her.

I have not discussed my will with my AC. It is none of their business - and their attitude is that I should spend my money now to enjoy what is left of my life and they do not want to know about my will. It is of course fair, with equal shares going to each AC and a request that, should their circumstances allow, they should give something to their children at their own discretion.

Haven’t read all the thread, sorry, but I think your DD thought as she was the ‘carer’ that more would be going to her, disproportionately to her cousins, I would imagine.

"The OP going back to the solicitor with her mother is a bad idea. Someone independent not someone directly involved who is already being accused of exerting influence. I'd be surprised if the solicitor wanted the OP there for those reasons."

Did you miss the bit where I said take someone independent, explain why they are there and then leave them to it? That's the only way the OP can protect herself and her mother, by ensuring there's no ambiguity as to what has happened and leaving her mother to redraft her will.

People’s understanding of what happens to assets when care is needed leaves a lot to be desired.

Why on earth would you not wish your child a happy birthday, regardless of what's happened. That's awful.

Did you miss the bit where I said take someone independent, explain why they are there and then leave them to it? That's the only way the OP can protect herself and her mother, by ensuring there's no ambiguity as to what has happened and leaving her mother to redraft her will

The will was changed to add 4 extra beneficiaries, to the detriment of the Op. She doesn't need protecting from anything.

Do you need the money? Just split your share between your children?

She's not a child. And did you even read the Op? This woman has been sneaking around, recording conversations and has threatened to tell the Police an out and out lie about the Op. She is also accusing the Op of having the will changed to her advantage when the opposite is true (Op loses out). But you think she should call and say Happy Birthday? Aye, right then.

Did you undertake caring duties for for your grandmother OP, to the same extent that your daughter has to for your own mother?

No, this change has been made to protect the mother’s share of the property. Many people on MN are set on the concept of “family money”. A shared pot may make sense when fit and well, but when older and one spouse needs to pay for care then it does becomes necessary to split finances. My DPs are in that situation now - DF in a nursing home costing over £60k per year - DM worried that everything would on on funding her DH’s care and she’d be left with nothing. Advice from Social Worker and lawyer - split it now so each have half of joint accounts and property.

25% to each child and 6.25% to each Grandchild sounds entirely fair and reasonable to me. Your DD2's reaction is very odd and unreasonable.

In a similar situation my DP and their sibling pocketed all of what would in today's terms be nearly a million, based on a will made nearly 25 years earlier, when the grandkids, including me, were toddlers. None of the grandkids saw a penny despite my grandparent mentioning an account with a fairly large balance to be split between the grandkids. It does make me think DP/sibling disposed of a more recent will in which they weren't the sole beneficiaries. DP and sibling kept the amount of the estate very quiet (most of it was in shares etc so not obvious) but couldn't disguise the properties they bought shortly after. I only know the amount of the estate because I requested a copy of the will and estate from public records.

Money really can tear families apart. I have a young step sister who regularly asks about inheritance (given that our parents are in their 50s seems like a very premature conversation that I don't even want to be considering right now and I nip it in the bud).
At the end of the day she is not entitled to anything, it is a privilege she and her siblings/cousins have even been mentioned and the fact she feels that she "should" get more to me seems hugely brat like. Tbh if I was the grandmother I would be saying unless you rethink your actions about your entitlement to my money you'll be getting 0. But I understand that's hard and probably not feasible given they live together. Has she said anything to your mum about it all?

Completely agree. I have never once asked what my share is from my grandmother or parents and nor do I want to know, I hope they live a long life and spend their hard earned money on lovely holidays and whatever they want than worry about leaving some for inheritance. It's their money that they've worked hard for and they've treated me more than enough over the years with holidays and paying for my wedding, I don't understand why any child would want anything different for parents/grandparents.

Tbh, I wouldn’t even try to defend this OP. I don’t agree with the elderly having to use their property to fund their care, when they have worked hard in most cases to buy what they have, whilst others who have not just automatically get their care FOC. It’s the amount charged too. My elderly neighbour was charged £1000 per week to live in a care home, where most of the time she was parked in front of a TV in a communal room, eating very little. How does that add up to £1000 per week??

There are two possible scenarios here.

1. The daughter is having a strop because she thought having moved in that she would get the majority of the inheritance and is making the op's part up to upset her mum with no intention of involving the police. Her mum is right to be upset.
2. The daughter moved in with love to her grandparents, and was genuinely horrified at what she overheard her mum saying, not because of the money but because of how she was towards her loved grandparents. Her mum is mostly upset because she has been caught out

We cannot know which it is because naturally the op will present scenario 1.
But what we can know is if it is no 1 and the DD goes to the police they will very quickly dismiss it from the recordings she has.

How does that add up to £1000 per week??

24/7 care at minimum wage costs £2k a week per equivalent staff member. Add on mortgage payments, business rates, heating, laundry, food, cleaning and kitchen staff and it’s easy to see how it adds up. You couldn’t stay in a hotel for £142 a night full board.

But that would be top up fees only the ‘base rate’ is also paid by the government.

Mumsnet is a weird place ... So many of you have no family loyalty whatsoever as soon as money is mentioned.

The majority of you have no critical thinking and take everything any OP says as the facts 100% as if no OP has ever twisted a story to make themselves shine in better light than is the truth... there's always 3 sides to any story, one side, the other side and the truth which is usually somewhere in between.

most of you have no understanding of young people's brain biology and seem to think that as soon as your child is 18 then it's perfectly acceptable to turn on them and turn them out without a backwards glance. Many of you (despite the forum title) seem to hate children & young people in general.

As for you OP @Fireangels I'm not shocked at all that your daughter would do what she has. Apples don't fall far from trees and you're so petty & self absorbed that you wouldn't even wish her a Happy Birthday... and you know or are ignorant to the fact that you're escalating rsther than de-escalating issues even if means extra stress and upset for your other 'innocent' daughter and her wedding.

It’s not. The government pays nothing for self funders. Not a penny.