So upset about my daughter

[Fireangels]

Will try to be brief. But a bit of background. My DM who is in her 80s wanted to update her will. She wanted to include her 3 DCs and her 4 DHCs. My DF is still living but is very frail and has been bedridden for nearly 4 years. She asked my advice as of myself and siblings I do the most to provide care and support to my parents. Since my DFs illness, my adult DD2 decided to move in with my parents to also provide support to them.

Whenever my DM would ask advice about her will I always said it was completely up to her who she left what to, but to express this in terms of percentages rather than amounts as we don’t really know what her estate would be worth. I also arranged for the title deeds to be changed on the house she jointly owns with my DF in case she pre-deceased him in case as a result he has to go into residential care. (This means she can leave her half of the property independently so it does not pass to my DF where it could then be taken to pay care fees).

Once DM had made her decision about her beneficiaries I took her to a solicitor for the Will to be drafted.

When we got back, DM told my DD2 what she had decided. (She stands to inherit a fairly substantial sum). My DD2 who is and always has been very strong willed, was upset. I couldn’t understand why, as I feel that it is a massive privilege to be mentioned in a grandparent’s will.

She later told my DH (her DF) that my DM had told her that she and the other DGCs would be getting far more, and accused me of coercing my DM to leave them less so that my siblings and I would inherit more. She admitted to eavesdropping on conversations my DM had with me, and that she had kept a record of these for some months which she intended to present to the police to accuse me of financial abuse/coercion etc and have me prosecuted. I am absolutely devastated that she has done this. It seems she’s caught snippets of various conversations where I’ve tried to help my DM organise her thoughts (without influencing her), and concluded that I’ve convinced her to leave her and the other GCs less than she originally intended.

I am very close to my DM and discussed this with her. She says she may have mentioned the will to my DD2. But certainly did not make any promises, and said that she does not intend to leave the GCs as much as my DD2 seems to think, the detriment of her owns DCs (my siblings and I), and doesn’t know why she thinks this. Just to be clear, we’re not talking in terms of a huge amount for anyone, just a terraced house in the SE.

So my DD2 and I have not spoken for several weeks, to further complicate things. My older DD1 (who DD2 had always, since toddler-hood been jealous of) gets married in a few months and is devastated that we now have a family rift. Since a small child DD2 has always been unable to see anything from anyone else’s point of view, would argue about anything and never take no for an answer.

To make things even worse, today is DD2s birthday. For the first time ever. I haven’t sent her a card, taken her out, wished her happy birthday or sent her cash for her birthday. I’ve felt sick and tearful all day. But don’t feel I can speak to her atm until she approaches me to discuss. She had never in her life ever apologised to me about anything as she genuinely never accepts that she may be in the wrong about anything. But I just don’t feel I can let this go as I have done about other situations in the past.

Im sorry that this post is far longer than I thought it would be, but didn’t want to drip-feed, Thanks if you’ve read it all.

Please be kind 😢

What a bitch she is. You must be so disappointed 😕

I think even more to the point say this elderly vulnerable man moves into a nice home, lives there for some time, feels at home, he knows the staff they know him and then "his" half of the house money runs out. He is now moved into a home SS will fund, it might be great or it might not but it won't be the home he knows or the staff he knows. Sometimes SS will continue to fund the current home but this is by no means 100% the case.

Poor dad.

My mum has recently passed away and siblings will get equal share. GC weren’t even considered and no one, including gc, think they would have been. It’s my job to pass my estate to my children, not my mum’s. It’s an absolute privilege that she’s getting anything at all the greedy, entitled madam.

No. You misunderstood, or I didn’t explain properly. Each parent now owns half of the house independently. (Tenents in common rather than joint tenants). This means that if DM dies first, her half passes to her descendants rather than to my DF. If he ends up in care, his half will fund it. If both end up in care, there will probably be no inheritance for anyone. There is no attempt here to avoid paying for care if it’s necessary. My primary concern is that they are both safe. They have already paid many thousands of pounds for my DF care over the last 4 years.

That’s a really nasty thing to say. What has been done is completely normally and highly advisable in a case like this. Otherwise all of the parents’ money could go to pay for care of DF and there wouldn’t be any left (apart from 2 x £23,000) to pay for the care of DM if needed. So she is protecting her DM, not just her own inheritance, if there even is any left.

Please think in future before making such horrible comments.

But what if the mum needs care and the money has run out paying for the dad’s care?

Poor mum.

It doesn’t take a massive brain to work out it’s a typo for DGC

You are being disingenuous, in your first post you said, " I also arranged for the title deeds to be changed on the house she jointly owns with my DF in case she pre-deceased him in case as a result he has to go into residential care. (This means she can leave her half of the property independently so it does not pass to my DF where it could then be taken to pay care fees)."

So you specifically arranged for the title deeds to be changed so you and your siblings can inherit at least half the house leaving less money for the care your father will possibly/probably need.

Maybe your DD heard you making these plans and felt her grandparents well being wasn't your first priority.

I understood your first post completely OP. This is exactly why many people do NOT include grandchildren in their wills. They are far too immature to deal with large sums of inheritance. She probably thinks she deserves more because she puts the shopping away! She’s not privy to the years before her generation were born and the fact they are your and your siblings actual parents. Personally this is what I would say to your daughter ‘Granny is going to now have to rewrite the will because you have caused all this upset before your sister’s wedding. She thinks perhaps you are too young to deal with the responsibility of a large sum of money and most grandparent’s beneficiaries are just their own children. It’s then up to parents to distribute THEIR inheritance.’ Let her think she’ll get nothing now and her tantrum has completely fucked it for all her cousins. How dare she threaten the Police, you’ve done everything properly and she’s coming across as a greedy little girl who wants more more more. Outrageous.

And what if mum needs care? (which it sounds like she will, as she needs DD's support already). She will need to have her half of their money so that SHE gets to have a choice in her care, too.

Money: the root of all evil. Arguing over wills: a tale as old as time.

From this new arrangement it appears your family are gaining more at least one of than your siblings? There are 4 grandchildren and your children are 2 of them.

I don’t want to complicate the situation further but are your siblings both happy with this?

No that is wrong. From Age UK advice about this is that if the elderly partner is living in the house it won't be counted in the financial assessment so the GM will have the whole value of the house if she is left as a widow needing care.

Well it is funny that the OP said, "My DM has said she’s so shocked about this, but relies on DD so much and wouldn’t be able to cope if she wasn’t there due to her poor mobility." Doesn't sound like she is just putting shopping away.

Plans are better discussed before death or severe frailty. That allows for fall outs such as this one to be overcome. If this hadn't have been discussed now, then just as the OP has lost her Mother, she'd be coping with police interviews.

Wow. Total thread detail from those who can't exercise their brains enough to realise that one single acronym was a typo. Pathetic.

For all those banging on about deprivation of assets, I take it you've sought zero advice with regards to your own estate and the protection of it. Bet none of you have even got an LPA or a will 😂

OP - your daughter sounds like an absolute horror. I'd be back at the solicitors with your mother and someone trusted who knows her independently of you to explain. And then leave her to amend her will if she sees fit.

So once again OP is going to be making the decisions about what is in the will?

The OP shouldn't be making any decisions about this, it is not her place.

The OP going back to the solicitor with her mother is a bad idea. Someone independent not someone directly involved who is already being accused of exerting influence. I'd be surprised if the solicitor wanted the OP there for those reasons.

The OP has said that she does the laundry, some cleaning and puts the shopping away. A house share similar to her accommodation she's getting for free and with a lot less hassle than sharing, is worth at least £100 a week. She's getting a good deal.

Your daughter is being very silly. She's not thinking logically. I'd explain to her there is no coersion. You haven't bullied your mum into doing anything. Your mum would have had to make a declaration to the fact she's made her will of sound mind and under no constraint or undue influence. It doesn't make sense anyway. If there's coersion it's usually to the accused benefit. Under the new will you'll get less money and not more. Realistically, no one will inherit much. It will probably all go on care costs anyway. If yaur daughter wants to argue over money that's not hers, has never been hers and is unlikely to be hers then let her argue on her own. I wouldn't discuss it further than the points I've already made.

I would also be thinking about getting POA for your parents, between you and your siblings to keep an eye on their accounts, or at least ask your parents permission to check their accounts intermittently. Your dd is clearly living there, not out of love or wanting to care for them, but coming from a place of thinking she should be compensated for it on their death. You can’t be sure that your dd will not be financially coercive with your parents money whilst she lives there now the gloves are off.

Me too. This is my interpretation. It's as quick to write as the acronyms. I don't know what all the acronyms mean.

My mother who is in her 80s wanted to update her will. She wanted to include her 3 children and her 4 DHCs. (what? who?) My father is still living but is very frail and has been bedridden for nearly 4 years. She asked my advice as of myself and siblings I do the most to provide care and support to my parents. Since my father's illness, my adult DD2 (two adult daughters?) decided to move in with my parents to also provide support to them.

Yes, really fucking shocking - moving in with her grandparents to help and support them. What an absolute bitch. 🙄

Hang on a minute............had you not taken your Mum to change the will, your daughter wouldn't ne inheriting anything. That trip to the Solicitor's actually means that your share has been reduced!! Not exactly coercion, when it wasn't to your benefit at all!

You haven't mentioned the figures, but I would send an e-mail, along these lines:

"Daughter, you're saying that I coerced Grandma into giving me more money in the will, but by changing the will, I have been disadvantaged. Me and my 2 siblings have each given up 8% of our share, in order to allow the grandchildren to each receive 6.25%. Grandchildren do not normally inherit from grandparents, so you ought to be very grateful for this. If I wanted to coerce Grandma, then it would have been in my interests to persuade her that the will didn't need changing. I have no idea why you thought you were going to receive 10%, but since you are making such a fuss and upsetting Grandma, I will, from my share give you the 3.75% that you think you're missing. I am appalled that you have been eavesdropping and recording conversations, about a Will that you shouldn't even really be a benefactor of. I don't want any more talk of this around Grandma, because it's distasteful to talk about her money when she's not even dead yet"

Obvs, you may not wish to give her the 3.75% and you'd need to do the same for DD1.

How much is the 3.75% in monetary terms?

Yes protect yourself legally asap. What a low blow from your dd. She would have you imprisoned for more money basically.

Just sold my mums terrace house in the SE for 260k. So would hate to think my son would do something like this to me to up a share say of 1/8 to 1/4 of 260k. It like saying "for 32k I'd feed you to the wolves if grannies inheritance skipped you and auntie"

Let's hope she's not salivating at your death bed for your cash. I'd seriously check your will right now.

I'm really sorry your in this position. I hope its a short lived moment of madness and not a reflection of dds true self