To be getting scared to take my 3.5 year old out anywhere because of his behaviour?

[Whynomore]

I know some people will read the title and want to say I’m the embodiment of all that’s wrong with parents today but hear me out first.

DS is 3.5, he has a 7 month old sibling. His behaviour has become so defiant and unpredictable that I’m getting to the point where I am anxious about going to places with him. Examples from today are repeatedly screaming NO at me, refusing to get off a bouncy castle (that was fun) insisting we have to go THIS way, refusing to come with me when leaving the park, stalking another child for a toy and refusing to come with me.

Other times he’s fine.

I have obviously tried to address these problems and I’ve read books and followed parenting experts on Instagram and so on. I’ve ensured we’re not hungry or thirsty, diet is really good, minimal screen time and nothing inappropriate. I’m a bit stumped really.

Is it the age? I hate to say it but I’m not massively enjoying him at the moment and it’s making me irritable which I’m aware doesn’t help but being spoken to like shit really does start to get to you after a while.

Sounds like a perfectly normal three year old.

You have to grow a thick skin. Try not to take his behaviour personally.
He is testing you to see what happens.
If I scream and shout enough, for long enough, will she give in???
Make your boundaries and expectations clear and consistent.
Do not give in to the tantrums!
Do your best, as you already are, to avoid them if possible. Redirect and distract him if you can. But don’t give in!

At that age I stopped taking them a lot of places.

Got online shopping, no cafes, no meals out.

Reduce the stress!

It's the age.

All you can do is:

Set clear boundaries and clear consequences and always follow through.

Praise any and all good behaviour.

Talk lots about what the expectations are and why they are that way, at 3.5 they're old enough to begin to reason and understand.

Give warnings/use a timer for transitions.

Pick your battles.

Wait for it to pass.

I know it always comes up on these threads but my ds was like this and years later he ended up being diagnosed as autistic. I just felt like such a shit parent at the time. Could you you give him a count down that you are leaving, if he’s autistic or not it won’t matter it won’t damage him if he’s not autistic, so say we are leaning in half hour and keep giving updates, if you can get a visual timer even better

They can be awful at that age! Do you have a double pram that you can bundle him into if required?

Could be his age... But... Mine were like that - they have adhd.

Even if he's NT, are you giving him enough warning to transition between activities? Some children struggle with that more than others, especially if he's having fun. We did a lot of turning things into games - "oh, who can make it to that lamp post first DS?" (in the direction you want to go) Or "Who can get their shoes on first,, me or you?" And loads and loads of talking about what's going to happen, how long we will be there, etc. And setting timers - mine listen to Alexa.

With the bouncy castle, id have started trying to extract them 10- 15 minutes earlier than i actually needed to go so that they have plenty of warning and plenty of time for all the procrastination.

I've been there. My DS is still very headstrong and he's now 5 so is a tad more reasonable but 3.5 was hard so you have my sympathies. I still get a bit anxious taking him out but he's so much better.

Keep going and stick to your boundaries. If my DS got overly frustrated or was tantruming I'd tell him I could see he didn't want to play anymore so we were going home. Or we'd go sit somewhere to chill out a bit before going to back to play. Or I would use times and keep reminding him we had to go when the buzzer went and this does work eventually!

Go to places you know he will enjoy and are safe for him to run wild in while you watch baby. For us it was the local sandpit and a small soft play. I would also take him out for 1 on 1 time without the baby too and he was better behaved. Keep going!!!

Really grateful. Feeding a baby so apols for typos.

So - I do TRY to give warnings but a lot of the time he just pelts off when I’m in the middle of speaking or ignores me so unsure if he’s heard or not. It does work sometimes but not always.

Hes become very bossy which is normal I know but it’s starting to extend outside the house which is embarrassing, he is being rude to other children and adults (not always, it’s fairly rare but still makes me cringe as I do really value good manners and it does dismay me a bit I have to admit.)

As for additional needs, I don’t know. It’s possible but he isn’t going to be ‘severe’ enough for any diagnosis or intervention for a long time.

He doesn't need to be severe enough for a diagnosis, i just mentioned mine as tactics used by parents of neurodiverse children are very likely to help. Children like mine (and yours by the sound of it) do not react well to being punished, or told off, or shouting which are the normal suggestions you might start getting on a thread like this. i avoid situations where my dc can tell me no so rather than say "come here and get dressed" I'll give them a very simple choice of two things "which do you want to put on first - t shirt or trousers?" Or "Which snack do you want - apple or banana?"

Totally normal threenager!

Oh op! We are the same with our four year old. It’s so hard.

You don’t listen to what is being screamed or tantrummed. If they’ve got to come off the bouncy castle or leave the park you pick ‘em up like a surf board if you have to. If you need him to go into a certain direction you physically hold his hand firmly or pick him up. Even if they’re kicking and screaming blue murder you take the emotion out of it and just be the calm adult taking charge. Stop letting a 3 year old tell you what to do.

@Roundandroundthegard3n see that’s never worked here, he’d just shout no at me and has done so since a very early age. I remember before I had the baby doing that exact same one - apple or banana - and just got NO APPLE, NO NANA. That was that, then! Saying ‘come here and get dressed’ means he runs off. It’s great it works - if he’s in a malleable mood I can sometimes get him to do that with a choice of me or dad or these shoes or those shoes but other times it’s a no go!

If they’ve got to come off the bouncy castle or leave the park you pick ‘em up like a surf board if you have to

This is what I’ve read online - but HOW when I have to push a pram too!?

This. Although he’s a bit old, it’s so much easier when you have a little one to be able to just strap the older one in and leave.

at that age I give a lot of speeches before leaving the house about behaviour expectation and how we will have to leave etc if it’s not good. You only need to carry them out kicking and screaming once or twice for them to get it. Can also put baby in sling and toddler under arm and march out!

He is 3, he's honestly just grasping that you (and others) are a fully rounded person with feelings yet. He's not trying to upset you or be rude. He's just doing stuff he feels like.

Try to detach a little, look at this as a developmental stage rather than any sort of failure on your part. It's easier to handle if you take a step back from it.

Hang in there ❤️

Put him in pram and baby in carrier

He wouldn’t fit in a pram! And the baby really doesn’t like carriers (and how do I lift him off wherever he’s doing and get him in a pushchair without potentially injuring the baby? I honestly have no desire to be obstructive I just genuinely have no idea with some standard suggestions now you actually impose them.

Giving warnings 5 mins etc

Get him.

Get down to his level.

Hold his hands or his body so he can't get away.

Look him in the eye.

Say - we are going in 5 mins.

When are we going?

If he can't answer repeat it.

When he echos it back to you let go,

Re holding under your arm - depends how much he fights. I had twins. One of them if you tried to carry them off would kick and hit and bite. Not really manageable.

Can you take him out 1:1 at weekends for an hour whilst husband has baby? Then you can manhandle him out and work on boundaries?

btw with mine we go through phases of home/nearby/both parents activities if they are acting up out and about. They are phases and they don’t laugh and YANBU

I wouldn’t be shy about rewards/bribes btw.

“when we get to softplay we will stay for 30 mins. If you have done good listening you can have some mini cheddars/jelly pouch (whatever) in the car on the way home”

I’ve tried that @Octavia64 . He just laughs at me or twists away and runs off. If you grab him and prevent him doing this he finds it really funny.

I do try to have him 1:1 as much as possible but he doesn’t really seem to enjoy it much. He prefers his dad and constantly complains about me

Rewards can work OK but only very immediately as a bribe, like if he was refusing to leave soft play a bit of chocolate might tempt him but if I mentioned it going in he’d just keep going on about it without appearing to understand that he had to behave in a certain way first. Toilet training has been an issue and I’ve told him he can choose a special toy if he has a week of no accidents and he keeps going on about a special toy but hasn’t seemingly connected it to the action.

Superman style hold and into the car.

I.e. arm through legs, arm down through the tummy to meet your other arm.

Simples

I’ve told him he can choose a special toy if he has a week of no accidents

^

He's too young for this