To be getting scared to take my 3.5 year old out anywhere because of his behaviour?

[Whynomore]

I know some people will read the title and want to say I’m the embodiment of all that’s wrong with parents today but hear me out first.

DS is 3.5, he has a 7 month old sibling. His behaviour has become so defiant and unpredictable that I’m getting to the point where I am anxious about going to places with him. Examples from today are repeatedly screaming NO at me, refusing to get off a bouncy castle (that was fun) insisting we have to go THIS way, refusing to come with me when leaving the park, stalking another child for a toy and refusing to come with me.

Other times he’s fine.

I have obviously tried to address these problems and I’ve read books and followed parenting experts on Instagram and so on. I’ve ensured we’re not hungry or thirsty, diet is really good, minimal screen time and nothing inappropriate. I’m a bit stumped really.

Is it the age? I hate to say it but I’m not massively enjoying him at the moment and it’s making me irritable which I’m aware doesn’t help but being spoken to like shit really does start to get to you after a while.

@BertieBotts yes it reminded me of that too.
You are right OP reins are not designed for dragging a child along, they are so that the parent can easily hold on to something to prevent their child squirming away, particularly when they have another young child to look after at the same time.
Reins are for child who don't listen and are not safe, there is no age restriction and you have a child who currently cannot be relied on to listen and to be safe. You can use reigns, a wrist strap, a little life backpack with a strap. Otherwise what type of help do you want? If talking to him doesn't help then you need to go for the physical option which is to have a way of him staying close until he stops running away when it's time to go etc.

Very much the same, the thing is sometimes she can have a great day then others it's just like a switch and she's terrible.

Both of mine turned into miniature dictators at this age. Ds grew out of it, it was a developmental stage. Dd didn't grow out of it, and has a very strong willed, determined character, plus neurodovergence thrown in. On the balance of likelihood, it's a developmental stage (I have heard many refer to their dc as 'threenagers'). However, if he's not responding, at all, to the usual parenting strategies (advance warning, counting to three, using humour and distraction techniques etc) then be alert to possible nd and needing to use different strategies to manage his worst extremes.

Had similar with DGD who I used to babysit a lot. She was a total nightmare at times! Always watching her like a hawk when she was playing with other DC as was quite likely to lose her temper and hit out. etc. Screaming at me if she couldn't have/do what she wanted. Sometimes she was no problem at all but very unpredictable. At that age I just used to pick her up and remove her from the situation/ strap into buggy etc (and she would then scream all the way home) I only had her to deal with however no younger child at that stage to complicate things. She also had screaming fits/hitting out at people at pre-school from time to time. Is now at primary school and most probably ND. She is now much better behaved (or maybe we have just got better at avoiding/anticipating the things that set her off) but does still get upset easily. She has no diagnosis but school are very good at putting things in place to help her and seem to understand her issues.

I had two like this. They struggled the most with transitions, always would kick off when it was time to go. The obvious advice of giving them warnings makes my eyes roll into the back of my head. You can tell some people have had easy kids when they dish out obvious tropes like this. My advice would be to always have emergency bribes on you, but don't tell them in advance. Wave the chocolate buttons when it's time to leave. Or say 'ds would you like an ice lolly? if we leave right now we can go and get one but the shop is closing soon'. I'd avoid soft play, and eating out. Agree with the others about forests, they are just the right sensory input and you don't have to shush them and you can just loop round in a circle to leave. Go to church type mum and toddler groups or community centres/family hubs, not expensive classes where they have to sit still in a circle. Don't be afraid to ask playworkers/other parents to help you out if you are struggling to get them to leave. I found mine would respond much better to strangers.

Wave the chocolate buttons when it's time to leave. Or say 'ds would you like an ice lolly? if we leave right now we can go and get one but the shop is closing soon'

How does this do anything other than raise a spoilt child who demands treats or they won't do anything? Only recently there was a thread on here by a despairing mother whose teenagers wouldn't do anything around the house and demanded money from her to do basic chores.

I wonder how that started...

At that age I stopped taking them a lot of places
Whatever you do, don't do that.

It is the age to inadvertently test boundaries. It's the time he is learning who means business and who he can get wrapped around his fingers.

It's time to introduce the notion of consequences. Tell him before you go anywhere what behaviours you expect from him. What reward he will get if he does and what the consequences will apply if he doesn't. For instance, living immediately if possible. Do give him one warning. Then don't argue or engage in discussion or debate. Just very calmly, remind him what behaviour you expected, and what the consequences are as he couldn't follow it up. Allow him to have the biggest tantrum but stick firm. When calm, explain why it happened.

After a few instances, it works very well.

I took my grandson to Smyth's he had a mega meltdown threw himself on the floor. I stood behind him quietly letting him get it out. He was wearing reins. Eventually he stopped sat up and looked around for me. I calmly said okay let's go picked up the reins and we carried on.

My DIL followed Little people big feelings, which has worked well with one of hers