To be getting scared to take my 3.5 year old out anywhere because of his behaviour?

[Whynomore]

I know some people will read the title and want to say I’m the embodiment of all that’s wrong with parents today but hear me out first.

DS is 3.5, he has a 7 month old sibling. His behaviour has become so defiant and unpredictable that I’m getting to the point where I am anxious about going to places with him. Examples from today are repeatedly screaming NO at me, refusing to get off a bouncy castle (that was fun) insisting we have to go THIS way, refusing to come with me when leaving the park, stalking another child for a toy and refusing to come with me.

Other times he’s fine.

I have obviously tried to address these problems and I’ve read books and followed parenting experts on Instagram and so on. I’ve ensured we’re not hungry or thirsty, diet is really good, minimal screen time and nothing inappropriate. I’m a bit stumped really.

Is it the age? I hate to say it but I’m not massively enjoying him at the moment and it’s making me irritable which I’m aware doesn’t help but being spoken to like shit really does start to get to you after a while.

Don’t let him see fear. Be absolutely rock solid and in charge. He can rage, you can wait. Don’t let him get a mindset that life is a battle against you.

Short term bribes and rewards, like for a dog. He’s behaving, suddenly there’s a bite of chocolate! “you’ve been so helpful this morning! Can I give you a hug?” Give him all the good feels when he’s good. Show him that good behaviour gets more attention than kicking off.

Keep on the same side. Talk to him about his feelings. ‘When you had to leave the bouncy castle, what happened there?’ ‘I want to do fun stuff with you, but we can’t have it end like that’. Teach him that his emotions are something he has to manage - but you’re there to help him. Stuff goes wrong, feelings get out of hand, but there’s always a way back.

Stay in the same team. Your team is going through a rocky patch, but you’re a team.

It’s really tricky talking to him about emotions, he doesn’t really seem to understand too well.

I am holding out hope for four, I hear that is a lovely age!

Um. Hate to break it to you but in our house it’s known as the F*cking Fours. Sorry 😬

Honestly, they do come out the other side at some point but it may not be as close to their fourth birthday as you might hope…

😭 😂

@CleanseUsAcidRain's advice is good, speaking as a parent of a child who was rather similar. I well remember fireman's lifting her out of a hotel restaurant around that age after she repeatedly attacked me with a fork. She yelled I HATE YOU MUMMY all the way. Fortunately it was a family place and I got a lot of sympathetic glances 😂.

A good book is '10 Days to a Less Defiant Child' (Bernstein).

'How to Talk' isn't very useful with these kinds of kids - you need pretty decent social skills for that kind of approach and also it makes you feel like crap when it doesn't work, whereas Bernstein seems to have actually met similar kids, and lots of them and has tips that work.

You are not alone.

Thank you @Phineyj . I am sure there’s some useful stuff in how to talk but I just feel a lot of it is a bit beyond ds at the moment, if he’s really worked up he just can’t really take anything on. I lost my temper with him today which is the absolute worst thing you can do and I did apologise, feel horrible now.

DD was diagnosed with ASD later. She absolutely didn't have the comprehension for that kind of thing.

My mum had “the grip.”
For as far back as I can remember, whenever I acted up, she’d get me by the upper arm with her thumb and two middle fingers and squeeze and lean down and whisper in my ear menacingly, “Do we need to go to the car?”
I don’t know what I thought would happen in “the car,” but WOW I never found out.
My sister and I laugh about it now, but it scared us both to death.
Scare tactics can be astonishingly effective.
lol

This

@DreamTheMoors DS would twist away whining ‘no mummy.’ He just really doesn’t respond to anger or whispered threats. At all.

I had (have) a mum a bit like that but she has no other strategies if that doesn't work.

And those strategies do NOT work with my DC - she just gets in more and more of a state.

Take notes: you'll either find a pattern and work out strategies or have shit loads of evidence for diagnosis if he doesn't improve. (Lead up, triggers, behaviour, duration, what else happened earlier in the day, sensory environment, level of activity) it might happen on busy days, when he's not slept well, windy days, when he's been out more than 20 minutes smelly or bright or loud environments or if he's not had enough stimulation...

Parenting course: either you learn tips or you can say I did X course, used y strategies and he still has a problem.

Think back now to babyhood for behaviour. Did he wave, asked to be picked up, point? Slow/fast development?

Read up on ADHD and autism in small kids. Anything familiar?

Try well fed, well exercised, calming occupational therapy, not too hot /cold /over/under stimulated.

Hopefully he will grow out of it.

Be more menacing? I’d get a double buggy and /or threaten him with a set of reins if he runs off. In your situation I’d just lift him and carry him in the superman position as someone mentioned above . Every single time he plays up you should leave and come home immediately. He will learn that his bad behaviour has consequences. And do not apologise to a 3 year old for being angry with him. He’s a child, you’re allowed to be his parent and raise your voice occasionally.

It’s a really tough age combination. On the rare occasions we went out my eldest was in rucksack reins. We did a lot of playing indoors or in the garden, little walks to the local shop or play dates at others houses.

I remember a mum friend with older children saying to me “batten down the hatches and come out in a couple of years”.

Does he understand conditional phrases, like if you do this then the consequence will be that? My ds simply didn't understand bribes or threats or conditions and that was half the problem, he was very difficult at 3.5. He was at least 4 when the penny dropped but this is unusual.

I work with 3 yr olds now and they do understand, they just act out for parents. I see well behaved children screaming for a treat or refusing to walk home 2 minutes after leaving our building. They wouldn't dare behave like that with us, not that we would punish them or anything awful but on some level they know parents can give in. It's awful OP you have my sympathy. I would suggest be hard on him in a situation where you are not embarrassed so he learns. For example if he refuses to pick up toys, the next day toys are all gone for a few hours. Or he refuses to put on his shoes to get into the car, then leave him with no shoes but he can't get ice cream now because he can't walk into the shop without shoes. It's really hard to do this but I think you need to be tough a few times to teach the lesson. In my time working with this age group, a few years now, i have never met a 3.5 year old who is incapable of putting toys away, putting on shoes or following a specific instruction such as get down, with the exception of some children with additional needs. Yet parents often are surprised we expect this of their kids, they presume they are not able because the kids act so differently for them.

l skimmed this so apologies if I’m duplicating. I have a very strong willed 4 year old and found big little feelings on Instagram very helpful. Particularly their clips on consistent boundaries. If you’re at the park, do you say “we’re leaving in 5 minutes” and rigidly stick to it/set a timer? This really helps some children (mine). I was very guilty of 5 minutes being elongated to 10/15 and once children see the flex they know it’s not a firm boundary. Get a cheap timer and try it. Some of its age, some is the younger sibling and they know you can’t grab them and an infant, so they test you. I will say I’m about 9 months from where you are and it has gotten so much better. But you have to consistently enforce what you tell your little one. Hoping the power struggles end soon!

Oh and another very helpful tip is to tell them what they CAN do, not just what they can’t. Absolute game changer. “You can’t beat Martin with a stick, but you CAN play on this slide”. Really put emphasis on the word. If that doesn’t work “we tried X instead but you’re still not being safe. We’re leaving and will try again tomorrow”. A Superman grab and in the car. Will take a few tries, and power struggles do, but they get it. My daughter was a terror for me, and behaved perfectly at daycare. It’s all boundaries and testing those with the people they feel safest to. Threenagers can be manipulative little buggers 😂.

This made me laugh I do similar with my toddler. I get down to his level, hold his arm or hand firmly but not to hurt him, and I whisper only for him to hear. I have a tone and he knows I mean business, but I don't let others hear it.

I find a whisper is more powerful than shouting. He knows it's the end of the line when that happens.

He doesn't respond because you're not being consistent. If you don't have an immediate consequence delivered swiftly every single time then he knows he can play you and that you're scared of him.

Can I suggest you take back up with you a few times every time you go out for consistency just to hold the baby while you deal with him. He needs to learn no means no and you are in charge. Kids aren't stupid he knows you can't carry him or Chase him you need that back up just while you get him under control again and then start venturing out close to home on your own again once he's started to learn you mean business.

I also didn't chase my dd ever, I walked away and said bye left her there crying. I'd walk out of her sight but so I could still see her. I had safe places to practice this for example not a town centre but a quiet park. She would soon come running after me.

Speaking as a teacher & mum of boys....this! ⬆️

It's why online shopping & gin was invented!

@Whynomore I credit my DC with my most excellent biceps heading into my 50's. One tantrumming under one arm held so that they are perpendicular to me so that legs cant kick me and hands cant claw at me, whilst smiling and pushing pram/pushchair with other child in, using other hand.
Have been known also to have two tantrumming children, one under each arm...couldn't do it now mind, they are bigger than me!

Too young for a week of no accidents. A week feels like forever to a 3 year old. Also this feel like a threat when he can't help it if he wets.

Are you qualified to state this? All children potty train in their own sweet time, when THEY are ready.