To be getting scared to take my 3.5 year old out anywhere because of his behaviour?

[Whynomore]

I know some people will read the title and want to say I’m the embodiment of all that’s wrong with parents today but hear me out first.

DS is 3.5, he has a 7 month old sibling. His behaviour has become so defiant and unpredictable that I’m getting to the point where I am anxious about going to places with him. Examples from today are repeatedly screaming NO at me, refusing to get off a bouncy castle (that was fun) insisting we have to go THIS way, refusing to come with me when leaving the park, stalking another child for a toy and refusing to come with me.

Other times he’s fine.

I have obviously tried to address these problems and I’ve read books and followed parenting experts on Instagram and so on. I’ve ensured we’re not hungry or thirsty, diet is really good, minimal screen time and nothing inappropriate. I’m a bit stumped really.

Is it the age? I hate to say it but I’m not massively enjoying him at the moment and it’s making me irritable which I’m aware doesn’t help but being spoken to like shit really does start to get to you after a while.

Well - so it would seem but sticker charts and so on have bee recommended.

How to get him off bouncy castle?

Come on Timmy, let's go home and you can have some pom bears/watch TV/ have some chocolate buttons

Obviously this is your trump card and is used once the child is burnt out from bouncing

I found the forest good for this age. It matched the feral behaviour.

It Could just be me but I really can’t.

He's not too young. He maybe doesn't have the understanding yet though, they all develop at different rates.

This. Having read your updates, your child just isn’t in the developmental stage yet for a lot of these methods. In which case I would try to stick to easy stuff - garden, forests and other things as a PP said and try again when he seems more amenable to bribes and treats! It’s not anything you are doing wrong though so don’t feel bad. And get your husband to take him places if he is better behaved with him/men seem to be less embarrassed dealing with this behaviour out and about!

Also I’m not trying to be negative but I would maybe ask for some support re the understanding and potty training etc as 3.5 is quite late for a NT child

I'm going through this atm with my 4yo, it's so draining and I've stopped taking her anywhere by myself. Even the park is a nightmare, even with warnings (10, 5 then 2 mins) when it's time to go she either refuses to move or runs off, bribes don't work, she's physically too big and heavy for me to lift now and I usually have her 1 year old sister in the buggy too that I obviously can't just leave. I'm just waiting for it to pass (I'm praying it's soon) and if I do go out I take backup in the form of DH, my mum or my sister.

Good luck with getting support if you ask for that 3.5 years is not young when asking for support and you’ll maybe get a couple of leaflets but nothing intensive

OP I really feel for you. My DS was a dream, then I had DD and for about 5 years I didn’t know what had hit me.
Tantrums daily from 2 until 6 years. No matter what anyone says to you - unless you’ve had a massively strong willed kid you don’t know. The frustration, the embarrassment, the play dates I ducked out of as I just couldn’t bear another melt down/show down. So I do really empathise.
But, gradually as they understand more and can explain themselves they get easier to reason with.
At 3.5 he is right in the thick of it and having a 7 month old sibling has probably rocked his world, and you’re more tired and less resilient than you were when you just had one.
It is tough - and it can feel unbearably hard some days. But, stick with it. It does improve. DD is 13 now and the most wonderful kid - I honestly think the strong willed ones turn into the most interesting and fun ones. It will change.
On a more day to day note, DH would sometimes just hug DD tight without a word mid-meltdown and she would stop. If you feel you could do this it might be worth a try. Best of luck.

Sounds similar to us @ewanisdreaming . The thing is sometimes he’s lovely but other times he’s beyond awful.

It’s such a difficult age. The only thing I would say is, unless he’s putting himself in unsafe situations then don’t worry about what the behaviour “looks like” to other people. So many kids have SEN these days, I think most parents age 50 or under will just be full of sympathy/silently cheerleading for you, and not judging.

My ds has not been diagnosed with SEN but his behaviour and language delays made going out a battle until he turned 5 when for some reason everything calmed down - I reckon he’s stayed about 18 months behind where he “should” be. Possibly some lockdown impact at play too.

I kept his world pretty small and predictable - lots of physical activity outdoors - and limited taking him to places where he would get overwhelmed or overstimulated or bored. We literally couldn’t eat out with him, it was impossible and unfair on everyone. We didn’t have play dates as he was too aggressive.

Now he’s nearly 6 and he’s much more portable! We can take him places without the tantrums and hitting and defiance. He enjoys everything a lot more, and gets really excited.

So I do honestly think they grow up and out of a lot of these behaviours. And you can avoid triggering the bad behaviour by just not attempting anything too challenging.

Highly recommend the double buggy suggestion, specifically the Out N About Double Nipper. So easy to push, even one handed if needed, or to strap both in. When not needed, second seat comes in handy for shopping/bags/general kid paraphernalia.

I have an ADHD 5 yo, and feel your pain. May be his age, may be more...it would be worth looking into parenting methods for neurodivegence as it may be helpful either way, as you could be doing everything 'right', but ND brains don't care what the books say!

One of the hardest things for me has been letting go of the expectations I had for what parenting was going to look like - and all the wonderful approaches that failed time and time again, making me feel like the failure - and to parent the child I have. If that means 'bribery' (= immediate reward), or 'threats' (= immediate consequence i will take away X), then so be it. Always be consistent, give warnings, check for understanding and follow through. Don't reward by showing an interesting emotional reaction. Learn to forget about the gaze of strangers - theyve either been there and get it or never will, that isnt your business, your focus is your child.

When you have a day that you're worn down and forget about all of that in the moment and react in a less than stellar way, be kind to yourself, it happens, tomorrow is another day. And yes make life easy on yourself; restaurants a nightmare? Don't go to them for now. Try a picnic. Need screen time? Sure, why not. Parent the child you have. Give yourself permission to do less, ignore social media mummies that make you feel every minute needs to be crammed with activities - that can be overstimulating even for a NT child, and you having space to breathe and be calmer will benefit everyone.

Can you get to a country park with paths that you can push pram and he can run around and jump in puddles and pick up sticks etc?

Fresh air is a great way for them to wear themselves out and in the wilds no one can hear them scream! 😂

At that age stickers etc work as immediate rewards.

Sorry to hear giving warnings is tricky. I used to give them anyway as it seemed to sometimes help,

DS1 was a pretty highly strung, but equally delightful toddler (12-36 months).

Age 3 came along and hit me like a train. We’d have days of nothing but rage, tantrums, defiance and whining. I cried a lot.

Hes just turned 4 now. Still quite tricky but we are beginning to see flashes of lovely again. He’s always going to be intense, but I’m hoping the absolute sh*t show of the last year is calming down.

Im echoing a lot of what has been said but things I found useful:

1. Pick your battles. Some days their immature frontal lobe will be pushing to fight everything. Don’t meet them at this level.
2. Stay light and airy when enforcing boundaries. Act like you are the calmest person in the world even if inside you are sobbing.
3. If it’s a boundary that matters then do not give in. Prioritise respect and kindness to other people and property etc.
4. If it’s a boundary that matters less and you think you don’t have the fight in you then concede early. Don’t go through the terrorist level negotiations to ultimately lose
5. Read How to Talk So Little Kids Will Listen and implement it
6. Exercise, food, sleep and routine were and still are none negotiable here.
7. Keep your world small. On the surface, DC1 loves a big adventure but actually his behaviour is much better when we do simple things.
8. Dont stop going places. They need to practice interacting with the world even if it regularly goes wrong.

Good luck and Godspeed.

Keep a diary of bad trips - I wonder if you’ll see a pattern like there was a trip to the supermarket before, or it’s shops, or you got out later than normal or he got told off earlier that day. Did you make a last minute change of plans/change plans? Did he miss daddy time? Etc.

data - there will be triggers and you need to think through each time.

I sympathise - I had a similar age gap and I used to dread taking them out together for similar reasons but looking back, I made too many demands and took her places she couldn’t cope with.

@DrJoanAllenby we get loads of fresh air. I do consider he has a really good varied life: mixture of nursery, activities like groups and sports and swimming, lots of opportunities to play. I probably don’t give as much downtime as I should but it’s hard as he has a tendency to get destructive when bored.

@VivaVivaa i do appreciate what you’re saying but the problem is if they just point blank won’t do as you have told / asked and really then what the hell do you do? I’ve read how to talk and other books, there’s some stuff that’s useful but I have to admit a lot of it isn’t.

Thoughts and prayers OP - I too have one of those.
Life is stressful, from the second they wake up until bedtime. Every single detail of our day is a battle, screaming, crying, tantrums, "NO!" x1000 times a day.. I honestly don't think there is anything we can do, just ride the wave and hope it's 'just a phase' as the experts say

I think it’s a phase as he is honestly lovely a lot of the time. It’s the fact that when he isn’t lovely I just really feel like I can’t control him which is so stressful to me.

@Whynomore i hear you. To be fair how to talk hasn’t been the magic bullet for us in every situation.

Re: what to do, I don’t think there is a one size fits all answer. But generally a rupture and repair model works well. You will make him sad often by holding boundaries he disagrees with. But a lot of parenting of pre schoolers is about laying foundations for the future, not about achieving easy behaviour now. Using ‘bad moments’ as a chance to reconnect post event is good.

Using some of your issues in your first post:

refusing to get off a bouncy castle

Appeal to better senses (others need a turn)—>bribe (let’s get a snack/there is so much other fun stuff to do)—>physically carry out. Repair later by talking about importance of sharing in v basic language.

insisting we have to go THIS way

Is there any reason why you couldn’t have gone the way he wanted to give him some control? I’m always looking for opportunities to say yes to DC1 as opposed to no.

refusing to come with me when leaving the park
See point 1.

stalking another child for a toy
As long as not actually bothering or harming child is this a problem?

@Whynomore Same as mine, we say he is a typical Gemini with his split personality. Angel / Demon 😈
I genuinely do believe it's just a phase, we're only a few weeks in of this behaviour and he's just about to turn 4.

I could have wrote this myself @Whynomore 3.5 year old and 9 month old.
sometimes absolutely lovely and other days beyond wild! Tiredness seems to be our biggest trigger, but I’m getting fed up of saying “oh he’s tired” …. when he’s constantly being feral 😬

No advice, just solidarity!

@VivaVivaa i think this is the thing, I do end up having to physically carry him off but it’s hard as the other one is just sat in her pram on her own and then I can’t push the pram and hold on to DS. Bribery can work but it’s difficult getting him to actually listen to anything you say once he’s dig his feels in.

we’ve been having ‘go this way’ for a while, it isn’t just a preference he is literally going the opposite way to the car or wherever.

It kind of is bothering a child if they can’t play with a toy because ds keeps trying to take it … it’s worse if it’s not even a shared toy.

I think tiredness is a massive problem as bedtimes have become really difficult after me being so bloody snug for ages , serves me right lol