Is anyone vulnerable still isolating? Covid

[KindredPoodle]

My father was told to isolate years ago during the first wave of covid, because some immune suppressant medication he had to take every few years made him temporarily clinically vulnerable.

Years later, he is still following this advice and claims that he still had to isolate for safety . He sees nobody, insists on washing the food delivery in bleach solution, quarantines the post and doesn’t allow my mum to go into anyone’s houses or get close to them. It suits him because he’s naturally antisocial and quite controlling, but it’s destroying her life.

So my question is, is ANYONE else who was told to isolate (back when covid was a big scary unknown threat, and we had no vaccines or knowledge of how to treat it) still isolating? My sense is that very few are, and my dad is doing it out of some combination of fear, mental health and habit

You can catch Covid outside, particularly in a crowded setting. The risks are less but not nil. It’s an airborne virus. Pretty obvious really. If I see someone with a mask outside I assume they’ve got their reasons and get on with my life.

I have a relative in her 70s who was one of the original cohort of people told to shield. She has a form of blood cancer. If she'd contracted Covid, she may well have died. She got fully vaccinated and then she slowly reintegrated into normal life. She was cautious initially, just seeing small groups of family members and friends, not going to indoor group events, not travelling on planes, etc, but for the past 18 months she's been living a completely normal life.

She caught Covid last year, but by then I think she'd had five or six vaccines and although she was quite unwell with it, she never needed hospitalisation and she fully recovered. She has now travelled abroad several times on planes, been to concerts, travelled on trains, and she sees friends and family normally. Her life is back to normal and she is very relieved, because she feared that her life might be actually over, or effectively so, when the pandemic started.

It sounds like your DF could do with some counselling or at least a chat with his doctor to reassure him. And as for your DM, she really needs to stand up to him, tell him to stop being such a bully, and start living her life again.

I know one person who is. It's due to paranoia and psychosis with covid as an excuse, but given the state of the MH services nothing is done about these cases. There's nothing you can do except encourage your mum to get on with her life and report it if there seems to be any domestic abuse towards her.

I've always assumed those wearing masks now are being cautious not to pass on covid or similar whilst they have it. The only types I've seen in the last year or so are the flimsy blue ones, which wouldn't be the choice of someone concerned about catching it themselves.

I agree, wearing a mask if you have covid, or flu, or similar, is considerate, inside or outside.

Your father is abusive and/or mentally unwell.

Your message presents this as a very black and white situation. And it just isn’t.

Yes he almost certainly is mentally unwell and being abusive. He’s also old, scared, and still my dad / her husband - who can still be funny, kind, lovely and who we all love. I don’t think he’s beyond returning to a somewhat more normal life though and I don’t want to just write him off and not try to persuade him / help him.

My DM is to some extent choosing to live like this. However it’s not really a very free or simple choice for her is it? There is a lot of coercion and pressure on her from my dad (who genuinely believes that if she doesn’t follow isolation rules she is risking his life so must not love him) to support him and help him, and he can also be very unkind and shunning if she doesn’t. She also loves my dad, and is happy with him some of the time and doesn’t really want to leave him, and she’s old and realistically a horrible acrimonious divorce and then having to re establish a life on her own with less money and no companion, and watch from afar as my dad decays and implodes alone, is also not an appealing prospect for her.

There’s a couple who shop at my store wearing the same disposable masks for weeks. The white bit at the top and ear straps are grey. Yuk!

Love to get a sample and grow it in a Petri dish to frighten the couple

A friend is - but her daughter just had a heart transplant, not a covid hangover.

This is hugely unreasonable for your poor mum. She really should leave him.

my dad was classed CEV and told to “shield” throughout the pandemic- compromised immune system. My DM was very supportive and they were mega cautious for over two years. I did wonder if they’d go back to (near) normal but they did.

I was advised to shield, I got dozens of letters about it including one at the end telling me to stop.

Could you find out more about what is wrong with him, what drugs he takes and whether he is indeed more vulnerable than anyone else?

There are a very small number of exceptionally vulnerable people who might still benefit from being cautious, not just about covid but any infection. For example transplant patients. If you dad was in that category you would know, he would be at hospital and monitored heavily. Not a vague drug he takes every few years.

My problem was immune suppressing drugs which I still take. It means I am more likely to get very ill with infections. People like me qualify for treatment for covid (things have moved on, it's not just vaccines now).
I live life normally with one exception - I wear a high grade mask when flying as I have history of some nasty infections after flights.
I've just had covid for the third time. The first time was a bit hairy back in 2021 but this time I got the drugs which was very straightforward and made a full recovery in a week.

If your dad doesn't have a drawer full of letter, emails etc then he's no more vulnerable than anyone else his age. If he does have them he can get treatment.

I agree, my assessment is very black and white based on not much info. However, my post assumes that there’s no changing your DF’s fairly extreme modus operandi, which leaves your DM with a choice: stay or leave. If leaving isn’t an option, that leaves your entire family tiptoeing around your DF’s demands forever.

Occasionally, if I want to try to turn around an oil tanker (metaphorically), I let the person think it was their idea: ‘Oh DF, do you remember mentioning to me that [respected person] said there was no need to self-isolate?’. There’s no satisfactory way of doing this, really, but it might be worth a try?

My cousin who has had cancer and radiotherapy and chemo in the past is still shielding. She is convinced she will get Covid and die. I haven't seen her since 2020 and we used to see each other a few times a year ( live in different parts of the country) and she hasn't met my almost 4 year old 😞 it's so sad that her life is so effected by this. She will only leave the house to go to doctors appointments. She says her doctor tells her she needs to shield still but we only have her word for that.

That’s awful, your poor mum.
Has your dad had all of his vaccinations/boosters?

It’s probably ultimatum time. Can your mum stay with you for a little while, to regain some perspective?

My parents lived like this for 3 years, mum still very much keeps away from people. She has dementia now and I’m certain the isolation sped up its progression.

Yes he’s had all his vaccinations, so he should in theory be well protected. We only have his word for it that his doctor says he’s supposed to be isolating still. All research and reason suggests that with his condition he doesn’t need to be and would be fine (or at the very worst, need a bit of help from retrovirals or oxygen) if he got covid.

Mum does come and stay, and giving her some perspective is part of the reason I’ve posted this thread. To help her come fully to terms with the fact that almost everyone else has gone back to normal, and my dad is living in a bit of a delusion. Unfortunately she needs to be the one to face up to him and tell him things need to change because if we do it he can (and has) just cut off contact for months at a time

Sorry to hear about your parents. I’m pretty certain the isolation and fear has turned mine from fairly active healthy people into people whose mental image of themselves is very old and frail and incapable

@KindredPoodle Would it be possible to chase for a letter sent to your DF which advises him he no longer needs to shield? I wouldn't normally suggest being a tad dishonest but if you cannot get an official letter from the authorities, I would send one. It may be all that is needed to bring your DF out of his quite clearly mental difficulties and improve your DM life 100%.

Well we shielded until Xmas 2023, my DH is chronically ill. It sounds like your dad is quite comfortable with staying in. Perhaps the GP could get involved and encourage your dad to stand down? If not then encourage your mum to get out more, with the doctors support. Life's short and it's really unfair that your mum is still in enforced isolation.

Not really a life is it? What's the point?

@KindredPoodle

Very sorry to read that, completely empathise.

Do you believe there’s a case for speaking to your GP and questioning your dad’s capacity? Presumably, your mum shares the same GP, who is responsible for her mental and physical health too?
If you could establish exactly what the GP has told your father, that would be a good basis for a family discussion.
Alternatively, does your dad see a consultant? Perhaps if they were made aware of the situation they may be prepared to speak with you. Personally, I’d start with a letter, outlining the situation and your dad’s understanding of what he believes he has been advised to do.

All the best X

I think its rather more selfish expecting Peoplet to test and isolate ,Just in case they pass it on to a stranger
I assume you wont be offering to pay the bills of the people you expect to.isolate?

Yep, and the people who refuse to wear a mask or make any mitigations when it’s clear they’ve got Covid won’t be offering to pay the bills of the people they give long covid and/or a hospitalisable infection to.

I think i broke every rule during covid lock down.
My sister had more augments during lock down not with her partner but with others.
My mother got on as if nothing was happening same as me.
My other sister had enough of hearing i might have covid ive been in contact with some who has covid this went on for 5 months after lock down with her teen daughters just so they didnt have to do anything.

I think my dad and step mum are still in hiding no one is to go to them unless they take a test and wash in bleach.

When he claims that you are telling him to put his life at risk, what EXACTLY is that risk?
Can he verbalise what he is isolating from?
Your poor DM needs to ignore him, if he wants to isolate fine, but no one gets to tell her how to live her life.

With respect and thanks to all, I didn’t really start this thread to workshop a solution, we have a possible solution and are trying to put it into action. I started it to get lots of examples of people who were once told to isolate but have since been told they can stop, or who have chosen to stop. So I can show my mum and she can realise how extreme dad’s behaviour is. She has very little context so half believes him

@x2boys

I think its rather more selfish expecting Peoplet to test and isolate ,Just in case they pass it on to a stranger
I assume you wont be offering to pay the bills of the people you expect to.isolate?

A bit difficult from a coffin. I presume you are prepared to pay for my funeral?