Is anyone vulnerable still isolating? Covid

[KindredPoodle]

My father was told to isolate years ago during the first wave of covid, because some immune suppressant medication he had to take every few years made him temporarily clinically vulnerable.

Years later, he is still following this advice and claims that he still had to isolate for safety . He sees nobody, insists on washing the food delivery in bleach solution, quarantines the post and doesn’t allow my mum to go into anyone’s houses or get close to them. It suits him because he’s naturally antisocial and quite controlling, but it’s destroying her life.

So my question is, is ANYONE else who was told to isolate (back when covid was a big scary unknown threat, and we had no vaccines or knowledge of how to treat it) still isolating? My sense is that very few are, and my dad is doing it out of some combination of fear, mental health and habit

I've been told to continue shielding and staying away from crowds. We don't disinfect stuff any more and only go to non-crowded places at quiet times.

Still get supermarket delivery - I think we would anyway we both hate shopping. Shops we go to are garden centres and similar.

I'd feel safer if people still tested and isolated. Can't have a pub meal when the waitress may give me Covid. Some people know they have it yet still mix with others - this selfishness is what keeps me isolated.

People aren’t still testing and isolating because people have jobs and there is no longer financial support to do this. We now have to pay for lateral flow tests and work will not allow you several days off work to isolate. My brother works for McDonalds and their staff don’t even get paid time off if they have Covid.

People aren’t being selfish. Life has to go on. Tbh I’m really surprised you’re still being told to shield 4 years on. I know a number of immuno compromised people very well and life returned to normal some time ago. Are you jabbed? Who is telling you this?

@KindredPoodle my friend is a heart transplant patient now I his seventies. During the lockdowns he still went out walking the dog on the beach alone. They were both careful. But once the lockdowns were lifted they booked their normal Airbnb holidays in Scotland with the dog.

My friend has all the vaccines but they carry on enjoying life. They have a bite of lunch out in cafes most days.

A heart transplant patient is as vulnerable as you can get

The thing is, you're all playing into his delusion. Which tbh may just be straight up a tool of abuse.

You should be focusing on helping your mother leave her abuser.

Rather than convincing him he's wrong (which will never happen) focus on showing your mother she is in an abusive relationship and needs to leave him.

Ignore and violate his rules every chance you get.

But that’s the guidance. They aren’t being selfish. People need to work and pay bills.

Could your mum get up to date advice from the doctors, like a phone call/video appointment or email, then if he persists she can repeat the medical advice back at him? Of course if most of what he says is still relevant in his case then you know where to go from there.

I am immuno suppressed. (cancer) I avoid crowded places, open the window on the bus, carry anti bac handwash around with me, use a mask if I feel crowded in, I am also back at work normally. I have had covid 3 times, and not been particularly ill. I have also had flu and pneumonia in the last year, and been hospitalised briefly, but recovered fully. I have taken every jab offered, and they seem to be doing their job. Last one was a few days ago

The rest of the world isnt being selfish, we're getting on with our lives and it's absolutely the right thing to do

It's not what you want to hear I'm sure but what do you expect us to do?

I do know a woman who developed mental illness following Covid, a close friend of my husbands wife. She’s lovely, in her 40s. Very healthy, But she’s developed a sort of agoraphobia/social anxiety /anxiety.

she doesn’t want to go out, she’s scared, and she will do it, rarely, she will if she can sit outside away from people. But she frets before and after for a long time.

her husband is able to go out and about and do his stuff, she doesn’t try to stop that, she knows it’s mental health, but the toll on their life is very hard. They no longer ho out and do things together, and her anxiety is difficult to live with, for both of them.

shes not as extreme as your dad, with all the shopping washing and isolating though. And no doctor will ever give a 100 percent guarantee he be fine if he caught it, so this isn’t going to end.

you know him well enough to know if it’s abuse or fear, but your mother I assume is a rational person, so she knows what she’s dealing with, she is choosing to go along with it.

I had to shield as CEV but definitely don't now or have the vaccine.

My mum on the other hand has asthma and had to shield. I wouldn't say she shields as such but she definitely stays in a lot and won't see us or our grandchildren if we have coughs and colds - with 7 grandchildren that's very common and I find that quite sad. She's fully vaccinated. Her main issue is she has health anxiety quite badly.

I'd say your DF is having mental issues with all that's happened. I feel sorry for your mum and thinks she needs to get on with her life. Your dad should talk to the GP and try to get some help.

It’s sent some people quite mad. I know some who still wear masks through choice even though they’ve had around 8 jabs.

That's so sad. The damage covid has done continues. Would showing him this link help any? COVID-19: guidance for people whose immune system means they are at higher risk - GOV.UK (www.gov.uk)

No. DGM is vaccinated and is determined to see friends and family and enjoy her life because what’s the point in life if you’re isolated all the time?

An elderly friend recently passed away on holiday of Covid - he had pre-existing heart problems and some other issues iirc. It is a risk but there are risks in life.

I'm CEV, have quite a few illnesses including cancer and haven't been told to shield. Would you be willing to share what you have that they continue to advise you to shield?

I work in a nursing home with extremely vulnerable people, many are end of life care. The home is open to visitors (and has been for a long time) and residents (who are able) are free to come and go and live their life. Your poor mum, what a horrible life your father is making her live.

No, to be honest. I think the advice went to far, isolation is very bad for us humans and even I say this as an introvert. Taking precautions as a medically vulnerable person yes definitely but I knew one who was one this category during covid and they came out of isolation and took more sensible precautions as the isolation was damaging his mental health and he wasn't coping. He balanced things sensibly himself and most peopleknew hos conditions so also took sensible care around him.
Your mum needs to make a stand here, please help her do this.

I think it’s the fear. A minority of people were impacted so badly by their own fear they haven’t made it back yet. It’s desperately sad for them and their families.

Ive had 8 jabs and the medical advice is wear a mask, in some circumstances

No one is asked to shield now.

https://www.england.nhs.uk/coronavirus/documents/information-about-the-end-of-the-shielding-programme-and-managing-the-closure-of-the-shielded-patient-list/#:~:text=Based%20on%20our%20current%20understanding,way%20of%20keeping%20people%20safe.

My brother did this to my nana. He had asthma so there was a ban on anyone going in the house for two years.

He loved it as he works from home and is antisocial.

She’s never been the same since and turned in to an old lady in such a short space of time ☹️

@KindredPoodle could your mum have her own appointment with the GP to talk this through? They won’t discuss your father if he hasn’t given his permission, but the Dr could talk her through current guidance. Then maybe she could come to stay with you for a couple of weeks to think through the reality of her situation?

Good for him, sounds like he’s been appropriately cautious but is also making the most of having had his transplant by actually living!!

Has he had all his Covid vaccinations? Is he still on the immune suppressant medication that led him to be classified as vulnerable? How old is he, and how is his health in general?

I’m not a medic and I don’t have any specialist knowledge, and I haven’t followed at this point how many people are still dying and being hospitalised from Covid, and how many of them have had all their vaccinations. I would assume though that although the numbers are now much smaller, there is still some risk of being hospitalised or dying from a Covid infection in particular for those who are older and/or immuno-suppressed. So I think it’s worth bearing in mind that your Dad hasn’t just completely invented the idea that there’s a risk. Like all of us he’s had to live through the upheaval of the last few years and the introduction of a new risk that wasn’t there before, and if he’s been in the bracket that was at significantly more risk of dying I don’t think it’s surprising that’s shaken him up a lot and made him anxious and that he’s finding it hard to let go of those behaviours.

I also totally get that’s frustrating for you since the majority of people have decided to tolerate more risk than he’s willing to (it sounds like he’s really wanting his doctors to tell him things are 100% risk free which obviously isn’t going to happen), and since it’s affecting your mum so much. I’m not sure I have any useful advice really, just sympathy. I have been through a somewhat similar situation with my DF though not quite as extreme (he wasn’t CEV and over time he has started to do a bit more than your DF although not that much). I didn’t really find that anything I or other family members or his friends said made much difference, if anything I slightly wonder if the pressure caused him to double down more. I have sort of just had to accept over time that he’s an adult and I can’t control his decisions and that he was going to start to relax things when he was ready, and that timeline was going to be a lot lot slower than other people. It was different though in that my DM decided quite a long time ago she wasn’t going to live like that and my DF gradually accepted that although he hasn’t changed his own behaviour, e.g. he doesn’t expect my DM to isolate if she’s been out etc.

You know your DF best but I wonder if it’s helpful to try to lead with love rather than anger, i.e. ‘DF I love you and I miss you and I am very sad to be missing so much time with you’. And sending any reliable info/statistics/research you can find that might help to reassure him (does he have any friends in a similar situation who could talk to him)? And generally anything that helps to keep him connected to how people in his situation are behaving more widely, and an awareness that his behaviour is at a pretty extreme end of a spectrum. But just trying to keep that awareness going without lecturing him or trying to make him feel bad about his choices, because I didn’t find that got me anywhere in my DF’s case.

Clearly though there are people on here who will advocate a more zero tolerance approach. And I totally understand the concern about your mum. I think I just wanted to send sympathy and let you know you’re not alone in trying to deal with this situation. I think there have been a few posts like this on MN over the last couple of years x

Yeah, that’s your opinion. Some people think it’s mad not to wear a mask in crowded situations when it is cheap and easy to do so and there are still some risks attached to Covid infection albeit much less. And some people think it’s mad not to just be able to respect and accept that some people make different decisions to you, and if it’s not affecting you (which someone else wearing a mask isn’t other than making it slightly less likely you might get Covid) then it isn’t really any of your concern.

I think most of the people who still wear masks OUTSIDE have a problem - is a mental health thing. Think they cannot get over the paranoia

There has been no health benefit to wearing a mask outside. Plus they look more ridiculous as time goes on.