AIBU to think you don't just sign up to a triathlon without checking first?

[7175McGee]

DP has just announced they've signed up for a competitive triathlon later in the year and that it will require a huge amount of time commitment for training.

This means that a lot of evening and weekend child wrangling and general household shitwork will fall solely to me while they are out for hours training.

We both work full time, often one of us not getting home until 7pm several times a week. My argument is that DP simply does not have the lifestyle to accommodate elite athlete type training regimes. And I'm not willing to pick up all the slack just so they can say they've done a triathlon.

AIBU that there should have been some discussion with me about committing to this first? Rather than: "I'm training for a Very Important Triathlon so that I don't DIE young, so I'm just fucking off out for five hours"?

If I really wanted to do a triathlon I’d hope my partner would be suitably supportive to enable me to achieve my goal.

What strikes me as strange is that a triathlon has come out of the blue, not that he’s booked it without asking first.

Is It a progression of another hobby (like cycling)? Has he spoken about this interest before?

Yeah so I think YABU. Why can’t you support him to do this? Why isn’t he allowed hobbies?
My DH is an ultra marathon runner and I’m a hyrox athlete. We both have gruelling training regimes that take up a lot of time but we both support each other so we both get the time to train.

He won’t need to be ‘out for hours’ training. He’ll need to go for maybe an hour 3 times a week plus a longer session on a weekend.
Allow him one day and you take the other while he has the kids for you. It’s about give and take.
If my husband refused to support me in my activities I’d leave him tbh

Op you are right to be annoyed - of course you should have been consulted first. How would dp feel if it was the other way around?

I mean, it's just a hobby 🤷‍♀️ DH does 2 or 3 triathlons most years and he's certainly not training constantly to the extent you suggest. Or even where he is ramping up training closer to an event, he'll go out early in the morning or later in the evening when it doesn't have an impact on family time. As a supportive partner, I'd focus on what you can do to support him with his goals rather than trying to find reasons for him not to have them.

Yes but the OP’s partner has said that he IS going to be requiring “a huge amount of time commitment for training.” It’s right there in the first paragraph of her opening post.

The fact you and your partners do a few hours a week isn’t really relevant!

OP, I’d be furious. He’s expecting you to pick up all the shitwork without discussing it with you first, and hasn’t offered to give you the same amount of time back.

You're completely right in being annoyed OP, if more of the parenting and housework burden is going to fall on you then they needed to sit down and talk it through first.
For people saying you're not supporting them, you may well have done if it had been a shared decision rather than sprung on you after the decision was made.

You need to sit down now though and talk through what the extra burden on you will be and how you can find a solution IE when is your turn to pursue an interest or get me-time.

He should have consulted you. Having said that, if it's something he really wants to do can you make it work? He could train early in the morning or in his lunch hour. The time black hole is the bike rides - bike training takes a lot of time but at the weekend he could get up at 6am and go for a 3 hour training session before 9am. Is there something you really want to do where he could be supportive after he has done his triathlon? My husband did a lot of marathons, several triathlons and an iron man. He is now 57 and various injuries and niggles are stopping him from doing the activities he really enjoyed in his 30s and 40s so support your dh if you can. Mine has supported me and my daughter doing a number of long distance walks and I'm also doing a degree so it's not just a one way thing. I wasn't a saint and sometimes felt very grumpy doing the child wrangling as you say but I'm glad I supported him.

So what exactly has he told you the time commitment will be? My DH has just run a marathon which involved a lot of training, but he would go for a run at 6am at the weekends and be home around 9am so it didn't really impact our weekends.

I used to train in the middle of the night. DP and kids were unaffected. That’s the best was to do it and entirely possible. I did iron man as a middle aged mum of small children with a full time career so if they come back with a not possible, tell them I did it!

OP has typed they all through that post, so it's entirely possible the 'D'P is female. I do think some discussion should have happened. It's a big change to your normal routine, so of course your partner should have done you the courtesy of asking if you would be willing to facilitate this, and making various offers of a quid pro quo for you.

Just to add he can get a written training schedule showing what he needs to do each week. Sort out what he's doing when so he's not just going out of the door randomly through the week.

Sign up for the triathlon aswell (maybe just pretend if you aren't a big sporty type) and see how that goes down? Arrange diaries so you both have separate training times. I'm sure they will soon realise they are being unreasonable.

YANBU but jeez, please just say he or she, this "they" nonsense is just confusing. No one cares if you are a man or a woman, gay or straight.

He or she should have checked with you. Couch to 5k is one thing, a triathlon is quite another!

As long as it’s not Ironman there’s no need for massive amounts of training
bike and runs can be done later at night

what distance is it

This. People say that they want 'neutral' answers. Sex exists, so does sexism. Pretending there is such a thing as 'neutral' answers is stupid.

Yes, they should have discussed training and how everyone gets time off. Yes, you should support it if you can.

DH used to get up before 5am to train while DD was small. Now I go out in the evenings because she's easier. We often go for walks with DD while the other person runs. There's always a way.

How fit is he? It is a sprint triathlon? If so, he could do it without that much training.

If he is totally unfit, has not rung 1k, got on a bike and swam a length, then yes, he might need quite a bit of training.

They?

I'd be inclined to be supportive if he'd come to me first and said it was something he really wanted to and here's how he thinks it could work so that he gets the training hours in and I still get the same free time.

But none of that has happened. I'm also sceptical of how much training really is required. As a PP perceptively pick up on - this is just a mission creep of an already existing hobby and I think part of it is that it just gives an excuse for him to do in more often and for longer.

For my own hobby, I get an hour a week and that is considered 'fair'.

sign up for the equivilant for your hobby

For my own hobby, I get an hour a week and that is considered 'fair'.

This is the actual issue. Ask him to explain how he can train, you can get the same amount of time for your health and wellbeing and there is still time for family time. Make it his issue to solve.

Sorry, I know this is a drip feed but in my anger I forgot to put it in my OP. I am also studying for a professional exam right now. So I need a certain amount of time to hit the books. His solution is for me to do it while he's out training but I can't seem to get across to him that it's impossible to get any meaningful studying done when you're also in sole charge of two young children.

Even if I stick them in front of screens, that only buys me an hour or so before one of them gets bored and comes looking for me. Or they start fighting and I have to intervene. Once my concentration is broken I find it so hard to get back to where I was.

I'm just particularly irritated today because he was supposed to train this morning and I was supposed to have the afternoon for study. In the end he faffed until about 10am and only returned at 3pm.

where he is ramping up training closer to an event, he'll go out early in the morning or later in the evening when it doesn't have an impact on family time

I wouldn't have a problem with this at all.

My issue is he chooses to do it right in the middle of the day and I get the scraps. If I point out it's inconsiderate I get accused of never allowing him to do anything and wanting him to get fat and die of a heart attack.

Where's the support for my professional exams? If I don't pass them he misses out too because I won't be able to get promoted.

Sounds like you'll need to ramp up your studying OP. And preferably find somewhere outside the house for it so he's forced to stay put.

Your partner is taking time out of YOUR day and impacting your studies.

Massively selfish and I would expect some consultation beforehand