AIBU to think you don't just sign up to a triathlon without checking first?

[7175McGee]

DP has just announced they've signed up for a competitive triathlon later in the year and that it will require a huge amount of time commitment for training.

This means that a lot of evening and weekend child wrangling and general household shitwork will fall solely to me while they are out for hours training.

We both work full time, often one of us not getting home until 7pm several times a week. My argument is that DP simply does not have the lifestyle to accommodate elite athlete type training regimes. And I'm not willing to pick up all the slack just so they can say they've done a triathlon.

AIBU that there should have been some discussion with me about committing to this first? Rather than: "I'm training for a Very Important Triathlon so that I don't DIE young, so I'm just fucking off out for five hours"?

As there wasn't enough info in your op, a lot of the 'support him' answers were based on people assuming you had a healthy, respectful relationship (not sure why, wasn't hard to read between the lines, but whatevs).

Fact is, hes supremely selfish and thinks you're the default parent.

If you don't want to divorce him for whatever reason you have, and he can't understand that if he gets X time off, then you also get X time off, (so add thick and sexist to selfish) then simply go out of the house before he does.

As a slight aside, many people have seen the word 'triathlon' and assumed it's an iron man. Or they simply don't know that many different triathlon distances exist. Starting at a fairly basic 400m/20km/5km which anyone with a fairly basic level of fitness can complete, especially if they're not fussed about their time.,

What on earth was he doing from 10 till 3??

Congratulations! I'm in awe of you - what a tremendous achievement!

When you have 2 small children and are both working FT, all aspects of life have to be negotiated . You DP has dictated this is what he is going to do and you are expected to pick up the slack, so I would have no compunction but to say No (and have done) if we're a family we work together. He's behaving as a single man and that's not on as he has family responsibilities.

So I would be saying to him you train first thing in the morning at the weekend or not at all and you're back by 12noon, when your time for study time kicks in. And yes I would expect him to train in his lunchtimes and later in the evening once the children are in bed. You're studying to better your family's income & prospects, he's training for personal improvement - at the very least these aims are on an equal footing, although you could suggest you need to qualify as clearly the marriage isn't going to last and you need to be able to support yourself.

Hard ball on this one.

But see above. Do you agree with any of OP's points??

What a selfish twat! I'd say that you signed up for this professional degree first, so that has to come hurt. Then after that, you can talk about their triathlon.

Do they have previous experience that would suggest they can do a triathlon??

And tell them they need to fit in round Family, ie train at the start or end of day, not fuck off in the middle of the day.

Good luck...

Yes to this!! 👏👏👏

I think sometimes writing it down and making it visual helps
get a planner type of thing mark in your study time first then his training plan
can you study away from the house ?

we need to know the tri distance and his training plan this might not be the disaster everyone is presuming
swimming will be dictated by pool opening times many round here do early bird and you can go at 6 , you can run any time early morning late at night lunchtime

bike can be bit more difficult as may want to do long ride with other people ( the state of the roads and other peoples driving for safety I’d be happier Them not going alone on long rides and suck it up ) but again short ride fit in as and when even use it as commute to work set off touch early and go the long way

anything under Olympic for someone with reasonable fitness is the massive challenge people think and training isn’t excessive

As others have said, leave the house to study. Studying at home with young children only works if you have a partner dedicated to caring for them fully while you're busy.

Sit down with him to sort out a timetable. You need x hours a week of solo study, he needs y hours a week to train. You need some hobby / social time too.

Then you need family time - so cannot carve up the whole weekend between you. Maybe half a day each at the weekend and a day together as a family.

He's wrong about you being able to study while doing childcare - as he'd know if he spends any time looking after them alone. The idea you could is pure fantasy. So don't entertain the idea for a second. Tell him he's wrong and move the conversation on.

The problem here is that you're clearly default parent. He thinks he can choose when to take part in family life - but that you require his permission for any time off from a 25/7 obligation.

That's what you need to address.

As you have young kids, he is definitely unreasonable for not discussing this with you. One parent can’t just start dedicating 5-10 hours a week to a hobby without it being a family decision.

@Nicelynicelyjohnson it's not the same thing is it? The "double standards!!" Schtick only works if the situations are comparable. 15 mins vs large chunks of time and no consultation first. No-one is saying he can't do it, but he should have asked first and they need to work together to figure out timings.

YaNBU to say he should have discussed it first to make it work around family life and other commitments.

Well you need to make it clear that the "deal" is that he does train early mornings. And if he faffs around and doesn't get out until late then he cuts short the training.
Make a weekend planner (and week day) and write down who is doing what when. If he doesn't agree to this then you take a bit stronger step so you go to the library or a café in the morning to study and come back at the pre arranged time. Then he goes when you get back and not before! Do that a few times and I'm sure he'll get the hint

How many hours is he going to be training per week? Dh cycles a lot. When ours were small he would get up early at the weekend, be gone by 6.30 and back around 10.30-11. I prefer a slow start to the day so this worked for us. But I agree this should all have been discussed beforehand.

What makes you think he'll be training like an elite? I think that's highly unlikely, although agree it will still be a big time commitment. He should probably have mentioned it first, but it might not impact you as much as you think. He could do a lot of the bike training on a turbo trainer for example. In this situation, I would make sure you also have time for your hobbies, then it's fair.

Because his first training session since sharing his sign up gives all the indications that he is and will be a selfish arse about this

"I'm just particularly irritated today because he was supposed to train this morning and I was supposed to have the afternoon for study. In the end he faffed until about 10am and only returned at 3pm."

I'm in full agreement with you.
My comment (that I think you were referring to?) was that on another thread posters did not agree with a mum taking any time out at all from her family.
There definitely are double standards, maybe not on this thread, but on expectations around mums and dads and their expected commitment to their young families.

Hugely selfish of him. Another thread that is so depressing and infuriating to read about a totally self interested and inconsiderate partner 😡

Tell him it needs to be equal and there needs to be agreement which involves specific details about time and the parameters around it all. If he disagrees he may as well just be saying “I don’t give a shit about you.”

SilverBranchGoldenPears
I used to train in the middle of the night. DP and kids were unaffected. That’s the best was to do it and entirely possible. I did iron man as a middle aged mum of small children with a full time career so if they come back with a not possible, tell them I did it!

How on earth did you not collapse from exhaustion? When did you sleep?!

In the end I studied yesterday until 8pm and he did dinner and bedtime. Although when I got back the washing was still out on the line, which pissed me off. How do you not notice that?!

Anyway, I digress. Some useful suggestions in this thread about how to manage this going forward. My foot is definitely coming down.

You still haven't said what sort of triathlon it is.

Even for an Ironman, a 5 hour bike ride sounds over the top for the beginning of training.

This is why so few women cycle, because the rides are so long. Cycling clubs seem incapable of doing something which is about 1-2 hours with 30 mins for coffee and cake!

Although when I got back the washing was still out on the line, which pissed me off. How do you not notice that

Quite easily? That definitely isn't a hill I'd die on, but I know MNers are petrified of clothes getting "darked" on, whatever that means.

am also studying for a professional exam right now. So I need a certain amount of time to hit the books. His solution is for me to do it while he's out training but I can't seem to get across to him that it's impossible to get any meaningful studying done when you're also in sole charge of two young children
The prospect of you increasing your status and earning power makes him feel threatened so his knee jerk reaction is to try and Sabotage your efforts.
He's indulging and investing time in himself in order to prevent you from investing in yourself.

If it’s sprint tri non issue
if it Ironman then big issue

OP been asked numerous times but won’t answer
so with knowing the commitment any advice is useless

For my own hobby, I get an hour a week and that is considered 'fair'.

You're already feeling squeezed, so him announcing without talking through how that will work for the you and the family that he's going to be out of the house loads more for training has understandably hit a nerve.

He doesn't sound like he's likely to put your needs first so you must do that for yourself. You're not on an elastic to the kitchen table, so book the excercise classes, pay in advance and put them on the calender, and tell him that you are studying for your qualification XYZ time every week, and go out of the house to do it. Even if you sit in a car park, you need to be out of the house, and stick to it. If he won't offer it, you must take it.

Quite easily? That definitely isn't a hill I'd die on, but I know MNers are petrified of clothes getting "darked" on, whatever that means

I don't care about the dark. I care about the pissing rain.