AIBU to think you don't just sign up to a triathlon without checking first?

[7175McGee]

DP has just announced they've signed up for a competitive triathlon later in the year and that it will require a huge amount of time commitment for training.

This means that a lot of evening and weekend child wrangling and general household shitwork will fall solely to me while they are out for hours training.

We both work full time, often one of us not getting home until 7pm several times a week. My argument is that DP simply does not have the lifestyle to accommodate elite athlete type training regimes. And I'm not willing to pick up all the slack just so they can say they've done a triathlon.

AIBU that there should have been some discussion with me about committing to this first? Rather than: "I'm training for a Very Important Triathlon so that I don't DIE young, so I'm just fucking off out for five hours"?

So he thinks that there are two options, selfishly train for a triathlon or get fat and die?

Has he always been a bit think?

Thanks for the extra information op. Your husband is the unreasonable one because he's failing to keep to the training times you agreed and he's expecting you to compromise your study time. It also sounds like he's not prepared to have a sensible discussion about it. If you can agree a schedule and stick to it then it would be doable. Hope you manage to resolve things.

You tell him the hours he has to train. Ie today you have 6am-9am if you don’t train in those hours then you don’t train. If you faff for 2 hours of that then you only get 1 hour.
When you need to study leave the house. Go study in a cafe or anywhere that isn’t at home. Be unavailable. Make sure you get the same time back. It has to be give and take And your husband sounds selfish

Agree that would annoy me a lot. However, I have a time consuming hobby too so I would go tit for tat. How about you draw up a weekly planner with both your study/whatever free time and his training time scheduled in for each week with time slots. That way you can ensure you both get equal time to do what you want.

It's a vanity project. It matters to absolutely nobody, other than himself, whether he completes it or not.

This is NOT something to be undertaken with out prior consultation.

(OP, if nothing else, make sure you have his life insured.)

Don't let him leave you the dregs, take the first window instead. So you go out to the library at 9am, back at 1, plenty of time for him to go out in the afternoon. Make it clear that he's either taking the kids out or doing housework and prepping dinner in the morning, otherwise I can imagine they'd sit on screens all morning and be ratty and bored when you get back, and you'd have to entertain them AND make dinner plus housework, so make it clear he has to do (at least) one of those jobs.

If he has a problem with that, ask him why and what his solution is, and push him to come up with something that gives you a fair amount of time.

I would as well.
I'd still ask him first though, if I was expecting him to take on a load of extra childcare.

Did you ask if before signing up for your exams?

I actually don't think either one of you needs to ask first btw. I think when you started doing your exams you should have sat down and agreed with him when you would study time. Same with his training, instead of arguing about whether he should do it just sit with your calendars and work out how you can both have your own time.

If he doesn't want to work out with you how you can both have time to pursue your goals or he makes it clear his is a priority then I'd be annoyed.

It isn't that you're being mean and "not allowing" him to do things. The reason he cannot do all the things that he would like, is because he has two young children who he needs to care for. Perhaps he thinks they are your responsibility and he just helps you with them?

Anyhow, shared calendar, block out the periods of time when he is looking after the children and the periods when you are. Equal time. You need to spend his childcare time outside the home (doing whatever you choose).

If he says you can study while looking after the children, point out the many exercise options that can be done at home while looking after children.

I've done a triathlon.

They really don't need a massive amount of training.

I cycled to work and swam once a week, ran once a week.

Fair enough he wants to do it but in his time and he gives you back each hour.

If I don't pass them he misses out too because I won't be able to get promoted.

And make more money, eventually enough to leave him...

However, if he's faffing you can control this, "Honey darling sweetie, I need X hours to study. If you're gone by 7am, I'll take the afternoon. If you decide to go later, I'll go to the library at 8am and you can train in the later afternoon." And leave the house. Who cares if you go to a coffee shop, the library, or sit in the car at the park. It's training of a different sort.

I'm out of the house for my run on the weekends by 7.30am. Before the rest of them are up. 10am-3pm is stupid. What's he doing for 5 hours?

Dh wanted to start training we looked at when would be best. He does 6-7 every week day morning . It doesn't impact at all. Occasionally he will do a Sunday afternoon if we are not busy.

I think you need your put your schedules together. You make sure you get some free time every week plus study time and he gets his training. Plus some time together. Put a calendar together so you feel better about it.

I'm just particularly irritated today because he was supposed to train this morning and I was supposed to have the afternoon for study. In the end he faffed until about 10am and only returned at 3pm.

Sabotage. Pure and simple.

He doesn't want you bettering yourself as you might realise you have
options to leave. Start planning it anyway.

Nope. Your studies are more important. And THEN you both get equal time for your hobbies/relaxation. If his half of free time allows him to train for a triathlon then sure. Otherwise he'll have to wait until his family is older and his life allows more free time. We don't get to have what we want as soon as we want it, our responsibilities come first.

I agree with pp. If he has the mornings he has until 8am to leave or you leave and he has the afternoon.

He's deliberately sabotaging you.

YANBU OP. DH ran a 3.08 London marathon when DS was about 18 months, he ran about 100km a week for months to achieve that time, but we discussed it beforehand. I understood how important it was to him, when he’d need to train and how it would work as a family. He didn’t just tell me he was doing it. He then supported me a couple of years later when I wanted to do a cross channel swim, which equally took huge amounts of time and commitment. I would not have just announced I’d signed up for it.

If he's doing an Olympic distance and he's already cycling regularly (or swimming/running) then he shouldn't need to do a huge amount of training really.

DH did many tris when the children were little, BUT, he asked me first, he trained v early in the morning, and the only time I lost it was when he signed up for his 4th Ironman abroad, without telling me, and our 4 children were all still under 10....I became very resentful of the huge amounts of training he had to do..so he agreed that would be his last IM until they were older.

It has to be a conversation and a compromise so that you both get time to do your 'thing'.

Oh go!!!! I was training for an ultra marathon!!

I hope he does well!

it's well possible to train without impacting work & family life too much.

your dp is bu not to look up a training schedule that accomodates this.

fwiw it's something you have discuss as a family/couple.

tbh I really like dh's peak season body <shallow>

A marathon takes alot if training , so a triathlon is three times that. I’d be annoyed as well.

A triathlon doesn’t take that much training FFS. Unless he has literally never run or ridden a bike before, or has signed up for an Ironman (I bet he’s doing a Sprint).

He should be able to do 30-60 mins 5 times a week. He doesn’t need to be out for five hours at the weekend. That’s just him dicking about and avoiding childcare.

DH did a 10K run this morning, he went out at 9am and was back, showered, breakfasted and in charge of DS before 11.

Unless he’s doing an Ironman, it isn’t anywhere near as much as a marathon.

If he’s doing a Sprint Triathlon, it could be as little as swimming 16 lengths of the pool, then a 30min bike ride and 30min run.

I’m a Triathlon widow, be warned it’s never just 1 race! Every weekend and evening is taken up with training and the cost is ridiculous, £350 for race entries, 5k + on bikes, wetsuits that are in the hundreds. If you can at all change his mind then do it! I’m basically a single mum

I suggest you take your stuff and go out on weekend mornings to study and then he can go out training afterwards.

Pick your evenings for study and go out to do it.

Not triathlon but a bit of a running addict.
before I enter a big race that will require a lot of training I do consult my DP because it does affect him.

you should be supportive but yes they should have have consulted you.

btw I didn’t do any races when my kids were smaller as it would have been unfair on dh.