AIBU to think you don't just sign up to a triathlon without checking first?

[7175McGee]

DP has just announced they've signed up for a competitive triathlon later in the year and that it will require a huge amount of time commitment for training.

This means that a lot of evening and weekend child wrangling and general household shitwork will fall solely to me while they are out for hours training.

We both work full time, often one of us not getting home until 7pm several times a week. My argument is that DP simply does not have the lifestyle to accommodate elite athlete type training regimes. And I'm not willing to pick up all the slack just so they can say they've done a triathlon.

AIBU that there should have been some discussion with me about committing to this first? Rather than: "I'm training for a Very Important Triathlon so that I don't DIE young, so I'm just fucking off out for five hours"?

Having read the update, he is being unreasonable if this is going to impact your studies.

One solution is that he goes AFTER you study, so you aren't hanging around waiting for him.

Or, you make it very clear that if this happens again and you lose your study time due to his faffing, then the only alternative is to pay for regular child care on the days you time to study - or he takes responsibility for getting the children elsewhere to be looked after.

I don't believe it's deliberate sabotage, just a very selfish man who refuses to believe that the universe doesn't circle around him and his desires.
I agree with the poster who said you should get out first. Or if he is out 10-3 then you leave him for the same number of hours and go out to study. Make sure to switch your phone off.

DH started running to keep fit.

He then went in to do races and half marathons.

The majority of his training when a race was scheduled he undertook early in the mornings. He would get out of the house whilst we were all in bed and be returning just as we were waking up.

Didn't impact on family life at all. He also chose to run home from work every day (approx 12 miles) as well. It actually made his commute about the same time as he could avoid traffic.

Good luck in your negotiations. He has to fit this training in around you, your studies and the kids.

Start matching his hobby time like for like. Take your study stuff (if you plan on studying and not just doing as you please) and leave the house. Find a coffee shop or a spare room a family member can let you use if you are studying. Be sure to leave a list of chores that need doing when he’s at home. I’m sure he’ll quickly realise what he’s asking of you when you ask the same of him.

Would you be able to afford a childminder, sometimes when you're both out or sometimes when you're at home studying but they deal with the kids? And a cleaner, or the same person does both? He should be open to this if he's reasonable.
I'd hope his training wouldn't be more than an hour or so a day. He still should have spoken to you about it, but I'm not sure if it would've been reasonable for you to outright ban it even if he did. You shouldn't have to do more work, but he has a right to a hobby.
Be glad it's not gambling or visiting strip clubs or ogling onlyfans while drunk etc! Lol.

I'm out of the house for my run on the weekends by 7.30am. Before the rest of them are up. 10am-3pm is stupid. What's he doing for 5 hours?

Have to agree with this. I’ve trained for marathons and in the summer I was out between 5 and 6am and could be home for 10am latest. In the winter it’s tougher as we live rurally and there are no streetlights or even pavements so it isn’t safe to run in the dark. However for my long run I was still out as soon as it was light and home for lunch.

This sort of thing infuriates me as I have never met a woman with hobbies that take up an entire day. Those women that do have time consuming hobbies tend to get themselves up early or stay up late at night to squeeze in the time. Your useless dh needs to plan his time more effectively.

I don't think the issue is with him doing the triathlon, it's the fact he isn't willing to plan the training in for a time that doesn't inconvenience you. My DH has done an ironman, several triathlons and a few marathons. I have a chronic health issue which means he does most of the childcare and I am also doing a part time MBA. Yet I barely noticed his training as he would fit it in around family duties, eg go early morning, late night, lunch time etc

This happened to me (albeit an iron man and not a triathlon, we were already well into that territory, also unasked) and I was left working part time, with two children under 4, doing everything, whilst he spent his evenings and weekends training (oh, and spending loads of cash on equipment and training)
His argument was "you would have said no if I'd asked" which underlined his selfishness about it. He knew it was unreasonable, and so just did it anyway, because he wanted to do it.
This just smacks of a selfish man who does not care about anyone else but himself. He needs to grow the fuck up. When you choose to have a family, your responsibility is to them first.
FYI, I am now divorced.

To be fair, all hobbies are vanity projects… that’s there point isn’t it? No-one is paying any of us to do our hobbies?

I don’t disagree she should have been consulted though.

Don't play games about this. Sit down and say 'look this isn't right, this is why' then come to some sort of compromise. He doesn't get to dictate your time for his hobby and he should be able to discuss it with you and iron out time issues. If he can't then that's another problem altogether

Something which requires this big of a commitment would be discussed first in our house. Of course we're allowed our own hobbies. But a hobby which leaves the other parent overwhelmed and doing most weekends and evenings alone? That's just selfish.

Different posters on this thread compared to the one about the OP who wants to go to the gym once a week leaving her DD for 15 minutes! Many on that thread not so supportive of parents having any hobbies.

Not all. I get paid to do mine. I'm in a band. You've just got to choose the right hobby.

But yeah, most aren't but that's why you do them for an hour a week rather than taking up most evenings and weekends. Because that's selfish.

there is no limit on the amount of time a hobby can take, it just needs to be mutually agreeable. It’s not selfish to spend 15 hours a week doing a hobby if your OH doesn’t mind (or perhaps actively enjoys the time to themselves).

Op how old are your children?
My partner is training 6 times a week for a big event but I only agreed if they trained in the morning. I still have to get up with the kids 6 times a week but they get up at 430/5 and get the training down.

Would that sort of routine work for you?

Who out of you and your partner are currently the "default" parent? If it's them then this might be their way of rebelling.

Sit down with him with a calendar and a cup of coffee. Then say ok can we map out the next month in terms of who is doing what when. Tell him straight you need a certain amount of time for studying without child minding. Ask him when he plans on training. Tell him you need X (x being more than 1) hours a week for your hobby. And then fill in the hours and see what happens.

He can't just say "I'll be training, you'll be fine and you don't need more than an hour a week for yourself"

Totally fine to have a hobby, totally fine to train for something big, not fine to have this hugely impact on everyone else.

You said you needed to study in the afternoon so he needed to be back to allow you to do that. Tough shit if he left late. I would be absolutely furious at the lack of respect.

My DH signed up for a similar event and I made it very clear that he was doing this in addition to being a father and husband, not instead of. He was not fucking off training in the middle of weekend days nor was he coming home and having a sleep all afternoon. He trained early mornings and took days off for longer all day training.

Oh man sorry OP your DH is a massive selfish prick.

ok your shoes I would honestly sit down and do the math of splitting up, see how it could work to divorce him, then say ‘it sounds like you want to be single so you can do a trialthon, do you want to be single? If so then we can book a solicitors next week to work it out’.

kick his sorry arse to the kerb. Then he can train every other weekend when he doesn’t have the kids.

This is the only approach that works and is fair.
Not sure how old your kids are but anyone I know who does triathlon or marathons with a family, the majority of training sessions need to take place early in the morning or late in evening, it's not particularly sociable and need to take advantage of using a gym or turbo trainer. Usually pick one day a week where training happens at "peak time" (clashes with bedtime/bathtime), and most really long bike rides (that can take about 6 hours !) need to be when you have a babysitter arranged or a day off.
faffing around til 10am wouldn't be on at all, need to have all the kit ready the day before and head off at 7am. IMO being organised/motivated to fit endurance training around a family & job is much harder than the training itself

What distance is it sprint Olympic 1/2 or full Ironman

I was also wondering this. Makes a big difference to the training commitment.

Exactly this, my hubby just did the London marathon came in the top 200 and he would be home by the time I got the kettle on in the morning. I was surprised to learn that they don't actually do the marathon distance for training. Sunday's were a longer morning but still done and dusted by brunch, rest of the time didn't even notice he was gone. Some days he had to run twice but did the shorter run in lunch break.

He was out 10-3, so you still head to a coffee shop 3-8pm. Which leaves him teatime and bedtime. Bet he'll get up and out quicker next time!

This absolutely