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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

To be told my engagement doesn’t matter?

103 replies

Joolz92 · 05/05/2024 13:30

Been with my partner for 10 years (ish - we split up 3 years in for a few months but then got back together). Gets on fine with family and friends, everything’s fine in that regard.

We weren’t engaged but discussed getting engaged and married a few times over the years but always had something else to spend the money on - saved up and bought our house, had nice holidays etc.

Last weekend on a hike, he proposed! It was a lovely sunny day and we had some fizz he hid in his bag, and later when we called our families, mine upset me. My mum basically said it was lovely news but not exciting as we’ve been together so long, and was it worth getting married when we’ve now been together this long anyway?

Im still really taken back by it. DF(!)s parents were both lovely and said congrats and excited to be wedding planning, though didn’t seem overly excited - fine, was still a nicer reaction than my parents. My friends group chat had lovely reactions except for 2 girls - one said ‘well we all knew it would come eventually’, and the other said to start planning a baby before the wedding as not getting any younger.

just really upset and needing to rant, what should be a lovely time just feels rubbish. DF says not to worry about them and has been trying his best to cheer me up. But I feel like the bubble has burst?

am I being unreasonable? Or am I being ridiculous? I’m not normally an ‘all about me’ person but I just thought I’d be able to enjoy this a little more?

OP posts:
Eggmoobean · 05/05/2024 13:34

Congratulations! It will be a lovely wedding and you’ll have a great day. That is all that matters long term- you and your partner having an amazing time. Ignore the flat reactions, you celebrate. It’s not everyday someone tells you they want to spend their whole lives with you, it’s special regardless of how long you’ve been together.

StormingNorman · 05/05/2024 13:43

Congratulations! 🥳

Hereyoume · 05/05/2024 13:44

Well, I can sort of see their point.

If you took a job, but didn't sign any employment contract, and instead told people

"Yeah, so I'm working at that place, not officially, no contract or anything, I'll see how it goes"

Roll on a decade later, you announce that you've just signed the contract for the job you've been doing for the past ten years, would you expect people to congratulate you on your "new" job ?

Same sort of thing.

TheRoseWriter · 05/05/2024 13:46

Congratulations! This is awesome news for you and your partner. It doesn't matter if you've been together 10 years or 10 months. Ye deserve to have this new step in your lives celebrated.
If those select few in your lives can't see that, it's a them problem. Celebrate with those who are genuinely happy for you, have a great time and create some lovely memories.

AtrociousCircumstance · 05/05/2024 13:47

Congratulations! So you’ve had some lovely reactions, that’s great. You can’t control the responses of others so just focus on your own excitement planning your wedding.

The friend who said about kids was a twat though.

Maray1967 · 05/05/2024 13:48

This is a case of people putting their feet in it, so to speak They opened their mouths and spoke without thinking. My DF didn’t immediately congratulate DB and DSIL on their first pregnancy - he was too busy laughing as they’d said for a while they probably wouldn’t have DC. It caused some upset, understandably.

I’m sorry that they weren’t thoughtful. Hopefully they’ll realise they’ve been thoughtless and you can move on.

Congratulations!! 🍾

CommentNow · 05/05/2024 13:49

I think its quite unkind of them not to have made a bit of a fuss. It takes no extra time and is what decent people do.

Does anyone really care much bout other people getting engaged? No, not really because it doesn't affect them. But the nice thing to do is recognise that it is a big moment for the person and make the appropriate amount of "congrats!"

Even one of the posters here has said it! Could your own family and friends not pretend for 5 minutes? I can totally understand detstand why you're feeling let down, they've been very unkind.

cranberrypi · 05/05/2024 13:50

well, an engagement traditionally is the first sign of serious commitment, but 10 years shows that already! and I bet you have other shared commitments, so it isn't the biggie it was a hundred years ago. But congratulations, and enjoy your day. I expect your relatives will enjoy the day too.

ziipidydodah · 05/05/2024 13:51

I wonder if your mum was panicking that they assumed it wasn’t going to happen and have just spent the wedding fund on a cruise? 😜

(congratulations 💍)

Growlybear83 · 05/05/2024 13:51

Congratulations. But I'm afraid I can completely understand your Mum's reaction. After being together for ten years, I really wouldn't expect anyone else to be excited and would expect no more than congratulations.

WearyAuldWumman · 05/05/2024 13:52

Maray1967 · 05/05/2024 13:48

This is a case of people putting their feet in it, so to speak They opened their mouths and spoke without thinking. My DF didn’t immediately congratulate DB and DSIL on their first pregnancy - he was too busy laughing as they’d said for a while they probably wouldn’t have DC. It caused some upset, understandably.

I’m sorry that they weren’t thoughtful. Hopefully they’ll realise they’ve been thoughtless and you can move on.

Congratulations!! 🍾

Yup.

Similar to when my husband's daughter's partner asked for the daughter's hand in marriage. Baffled husband: "What are you asking me for? You've been living together for years! You have a child together..."

That did not go down well at all.

Bringthejury1 · 05/05/2024 13:52

Hereyoume · 05/05/2024 13:44

Well, I can sort of see their point.

If you took a job, but didn't sign any employment contract, and instead told people

"Yeah, so I'm working at that place, not officially, no contract or anything, I'll see how it goes"

Roll on a decade later, you announce that you've just signed the contract for the job you've been doing for the past ten years, would you expect people to congratulate you on your "new" job ?

Same sort of thing.

It's really not the same thing. This is a hugely exciting life event for many people and it takes a special kind of prat not to just say "congratulations, how exciting, how did it happen" etc etc. Their opinion on the length of relationship and whether they think getting married is pointless, is not needed.

OP - congratulations! Try to put the comments to the back of your mind and maybe focus marriage conversations with those who seem most excited for you.

PiggieWig · 05/05/2024 13:52

Congratulations!! Even if it’s been a long time coming, it’s still lovely news and god knows, there isn’t enough of that around at the moment. Miserable sods!

🥂 💍🍾

BobbyBiscuits · 05/05/2024 13:52

I hope it wasn't meant in a horrible way. It's almost like in their eyes you've been married already for ages. I have a cousin who's been with her bloke for 12 years, they got engaged and it was a bit, 'meh'.. not meanly, but after congratulating them I joked that I thought they were already married! It was just that it wasn't surprising like some engagement announcements can be.
Your parents could still have at least said it was lovely news or something though. By the time the wedding comes along I'm sure they'll be just as excited as everyone else. If not then more fool them. Focus on you and your husband on the beautiful day.

Bringthejury1 · 05/05/2024 13:53

Also as an aside, I recently saw a very funny video of a bride at the alter opening a piece of paper with her vows on and blowing "dust" off them before she read them. Everyone seemed to get a good laugh out of that one!

HereWeGoRoundAgain · 05/05/2024 13:53

Congratulations! But you're being completely unreasonable I'm afraid. You've been together for a whole decade, it's a lovely thing for you personally to get engaged, but it's hardly an incredible, new, special, surprise event for everyone else is it? I'm certain that wish you well but I'm not surprised they're not quite so enthusiastic.

Spirallingdownwards · 05/05/2024 13:53

Well the reactions will certainly make it easier if you ever have to cut down the numbers you can invite to the wedding.

Congratulations OP and celebrate 🍾

Rosebel · 05/05/2024 13:54

Oh that's a bit mean. DB and SIL were dating for 10 years and everyone was happy for them.
I wouldn't worry about what other people think. Someone has asked you to spend the rest of your life with them. That's special.
Ignore any insensitive comments and just concentrate on building your best life together.

CavalierApproach · 05/05/2024 13:54

Congratulations! 🍾 That’s lovely.

I am also in a decade-plus committed relationship. We are older but we do have a private intention to get married one day.

I’ll love it when we get there but tbh, I wouldn’t expect anyone to react to the news in the same way they might if it was, I guess, an early sign of our relationship moving into a committed gear. I might actually find it a little weird if anyone reacted that way, because I trust and appreciate that we are already regarded by everyone as a fully established couple.

I think you have to recognise that if you are steadily with someone for ages, it says something to others about you — basically, that you are people who don’t need an engagement or marriage as a sign of commitment. Which is fine. But if your friends and family take that on board in a nice way, you can’t also expect them to treat your eventual engagement like it’s big news.

Edited to add: but they should still be generally positive about it and not minimise how lovely it is for you. So although I think you might be a tiny bit u, only a tiny bit. You still deserve to feel delighted. I would just say, don’t take anyone’s remarks to heart too much.

Hereyoume · 05/05/2024 13:57

Bringthejury1 · 05/05/2024 13:52

It's really not the same thing. This is a hugely exciting life event for many people and it takes a special kind of prat not to just say "congratulations, how exciting, how did it happen" etc etc. Their opinion on the length of relationship and whether they think getting married is pointless, is not needed.

OP - congratulations! Try to put the comments to the back of your mind and maybe focus marriage conversations with those who seem most excited for you.

Show quote history

It really is the same thing.

welshycake · 05/05/2024 13:57

It's nice and all but no after 10 years I'd be a bit like ok that's nice if I'm honest

SpeedyDrama · 05/05/2024 13:58

Hereyoume · 05/05/2024 13:44

Well, I can sort of see their point.

If you took a job, but didn't sign any employment contract, and instead told people

"Yeah, so I'm working at that place, not officially, no contract or anything, I'll see how it goes"

Roll on a decade later, you announce that you've just signed the contract for the job you've been doing for the past ten years, would you expect people to congratulate you on your "new" job ?

Same sort of thing.

It’s not the same sort of thing at all, that’s a pretty cold way of looking at it. Jobs can change at any time, so to secure one is as worthy of positive comment as a commitment to get married, which is a greater one in itself.

What the reaction is the equivalent of is an uninterested response to any other big personal news. What if they decide to have a baby, will the parents also say ‘well after so many years we expected it’? Even if that’s what you think, proper social etiquette is to only say ‘that’s fantastic news, we’re so happy for you and X!’. Not that difficult is it.

Original poster
Joolz92 · 05/05/2024 13:58

The way I see it is, I’ve been there for friends and family for their engagements, weddings, kids, and divorces! Always try to seem interested and ask how the proposal went, how did the birth go, how are they settling at nursery, how did your cake tasting go?? Etc

just thought that’s what you do, hyping it up, but just rubbish in particular my Mum couldn’t be like that with me. I know we’ve been together ages, but is it so wrong of me to just want a little fuss? 😞

OP posts:
welshycake · 05/05/2024 13:59

The baby comment was completely uncalled for though.

Perhaps when you've actually booked the wedding they might be more excited? They might be thinking it will be a long drawn out engagement?

Onelifeonly · 05/05/2024 14:00

Well there's no reason for anyone to be dismissive, but after 10 years it's not a revelation, is it? A few years in, yes it is, because it's the first time people may understand how committed you are. Also there may be a sense of, why now, why not earlier if it's such a big deal?

It's similar with babies - first, much excitement. Second, not so much as you're already parents.