To be told my engagement doesn’t matter?

[Joolz92]

Been with my partner for 10 years (ish - we split up 3 years in for a few months but then got back together). Gets on fine with family and friends, everything’s fine in that regard.

We weren’t engaged but discussed getting engaged and married a few times over the years but always had something else to spend the money on - saved up and bought our house, had nice holidays etc.

Last weekend on a hike, he proposed! It was a lovely sunny day and we had some fizz he hid in his bag, and later when we called our families, mine upset me. My mum basically said it was lovely news but not exciting as we’ve been together so long, and was it worth getting married when we’ve now been together this long anyway?

Im still really taken back by it. DF(!)s parents were both lovely and said congrats and excited to be wedding planning, though didn’t seem overly excited - fine, was still a nicer reaction than my parents. My friends group chat had lovely reactions except for 2 girls - one said ‘well we all knew it would come eventually’, and the other said to start planning a baby before the wedding as not getting any younger.

just really upset and needing to rant, what should be a lovely time just feels rubbish. DF says not to worry about them and has been trying his best to cheer me up. But I feel like the bubble has burst?

am I being unreasonable? Or am I being ridiculous? I’m not normally an ‘all about me’ person but I just thought I’d be able to enjoy this a little more?

Congrats! I’ve been with my partner about 12 years and wouldn’t feel particularly excited to get married tbh, as we’re obviously already highly committed to each other or we wouldn’t be together. To me it’s just admin really. But obviously if you’re excited then that’s lovely. Enjoy.

They were rude to be so blunt OP - but being 'engaged' is meaningless. Especially as you yourselves didn't consider marriage important enough to prioritise over a house and 'nice holidays'.
Also, as PP said in 2024 so many people are 'engaged' for years, with no wedding in sight. I have friends who've been together 10+ years, engaged for a few, haven't even started planning.

They should've just said congratulations and left it at that. But I'm sure they'll get excited once you start actually planning the wedding. After all, it's about you and your future husband. Not anybody else.

I think it’s because they already see you as a long-term, stable, committed couple. It’s flattering in a way.

Congratulations. I'm sorry your moment has been slightly tainted. Your family & friends were a bit rude & unkind.

Well, I'm sorry they knocked the wind out of your sails. Most people could engineer a little enthusiasm in these circumstances. I think after ten years though, they may have assumed it's not a huge priority for you as a couple and wonder why the change of heart?

Dsis 1 got married after four years.
Dsis 2 got married after nine years.
Dbro got married at 11 years and a son.
I got married after 6 months!

Parents all equally excited (I think even slightly less so with me as they were worried I was rushing!).

There's no right or wrong amount of time to decided to get married and people who love you should be happy for your happiness even if they secretly (VERY secretly) think it's maybe a wee bit silly many years later!

I’d have said ‘yay’ and gone thorough the motions, but after so long together, it’s a bit daft to be ‘engaged’.

I'm wondering if it is the length of time, necessarily. People can be weird about engagements.

I was the opposite end of the spectrum (engaged relatively quickly, not living together, not a long-established couple) and had about the same proportion of lovely v negative comments as you. The latter came from people who weren't happy about where their relationships were.

Don't take it to heart. Congratulations

Wow some of these replies! When is the cut off point for family and friends to share excitement and enthusiasm for their loved one's engagement news? 🤔 4 years? 5? 9? Did OP miss it by 1 year? Dammit. Showing excitement and support isn't hard no matter the length of a relationship surely?!

I can see their POV. It’s clearly not been something that’s a priority over the years, so people are used to you not being married. I should imagine once you actually set the date and start booking everything your dm might be a bit more enthusiastic. Or maybe she just doesn’t like your DP?

Similar to when my husband's daughter's partner asked for the daughter's hand in marriage. Baffled husband: "What are you asking me for? You've been living together for years! You have a child together..."

This really made me laugh! I actually have a lot of sympathy for the baffled husband here; norms and expectations have hugely shifted, so it’s not surprising that people feel genuinely puzzled when, having accepted that old fashioned norms are well out of the door, they are then suddenly expecting to return to them for a showpiece event. And I do think that’s what’s happened here, to be honest. If you’ve been together for 10 years, your mum has assumed that marriage isn’t on the cards and you’ve chosen not to do things that way. So she’s a bit discombobulated by your news as she wasn’t expecting it. Give her a bit of time and I’m sure she’ll see your excitement and get a bit more into the spirit of it. Same with your friends.

Congratulations 🥂

Have you started to think about the wedding? Maybe they think it might be a long drawn out engagement

Aww it's not an ideal reaction, but my family said similar and I c

I wish some of my friends would get married to their partners, would be great to celebrate.

My family said similar when we got engaged after 10 years. My Mum said getting married was all a load of shit, whereas my partners family were really excited and sent money.

To be honest, I could see where they were coming from because we had been together so long, and it's past all of that exciting phase but people should absolutely not say it!!!

They should be getting exciting with you, be happy for you and want to help with everything. A really crap reaction from your Mum.

Congratulations! 🥂

Last weekend on a hike, he proposed! It was a lovely sunny day and we had some fizz he hid in his bag this is really cute. Enjoy!

Well, that depends, do you want just want a performance of excitement and support or actual enthusiasm and support? In the former I could throw the figure out to anytime (unless 'support' looked like having to stick my hand in my pocket in a significant way for what amounts to an incredibly expensive party) in the latter, I'd say, it would represent a genuine shift towards a commitment to permenance that is new in the relationship.

@Desecratedcoconut I'm not entirely sure where performance comes into it? Is a heartfelt 'congratulations - I'm so happy for you' out of the question depending on the length of a relationship then? Sounds like OP would've appreciated that rather than some of the lukewarm (at best) sentiments or her actual circle. It's that simple easy!

No, I'd go through the motions, I'm not a monster. I just don't think it is very interesting or meaningful when a couple is so established that it looks like business as usual when everyone goes home. I'm pleased that they are pleased though.

Is it worth getting married when you’ve been together this long?

Is that your way of saying you don’t want an invitation?

Had you announced the wedding date at the same time, you might have got a stronger reaction? As it is, lots of engagements now seem to last for years and years. Could they be thinking it’s a ‘holding pattern’ and nothing will happen for another ten years?

This. I’m old enough to remember when people didn’t automatically move in together when things got serious, and got engaged after relatively short courtships. Getting engaged was a big deal then. But when you’ve effectively been living as an established couple for a decade, it isn’t really.

I agree with your mum.

I had a lovely wedding after 10 years together, people celebrated with us but the important thing is that the two of you are excited by it.
And to be honest I did feel different being married, although nothing literally changed for us.

Whatever your mum thought; she shouldn't have said it.