To be told my engagement doesn’t matter?

[Joolz92]

Been with my partner for 10 years (ish - we split up 3 years in for a few months but then got back together). Gets on fine with family and friends, everything’s fine in that regard.

We weren’t engaged but discussed getting engaged and married a few times over the years but always had something else to spend the money on - saved up and bought our house, had nice holidays etc.

Last weekend on a hike, he proposed! It was a lovely sunny day and we had some fizz he hid in his bag, and later when we called our families, mine upset me. My mum basically said it was lovely news but not exciting as we’ve been together so long, and was it worth getting married when we’ve now been together this long anyway?

Im still really taken back by it. DF(!)s parents were both lovely and said congrats and excited to be wedding planning, though didn’t seem overly excited - fine, was still a nicer reaction than my parents. My friends group chat had lovely reactions except for 2 girls - one said ‘well we all knew it would come eventually’, and the other said to start planning a baby before the wedding as not getting any younger.

just really upset and needing to rant, what should be a lovely time just feels rubbish. DF says not to worry about them and has been trying his best to cheer me up. But I feel like the bubble has burst?

am I being unreasonable? Or am I being ridiculous? I’m not normally an ‘all about me’ person but I just thought I’d be able to enjoy this a little more?

This. It’s not exactly unexpected.

Good friends of ours recently got married after almost 20 years together. I thought it was lovely and I was genuinely happy and excited for them when they told us the news, because they're my friends and I care about them. I'm sorry your family and friends have been so rubbish, OP. Even if they weren't really that excited it doesn't take much to make positive noises and ask a few thoughtful questions about the proposal or your wedding plans. The baby comment in particular was just uncalled for.

Congratulations! Don't let anyone else spoil your excitement.

I’m sorry @Joolz92 but the natural reaction to people with long term partners who already live together and then get engaged is ‘ it’s about time ‘ . I’m sure if you told your mum you were pregnant she would be excited for you because that is new , being engaged is basically carry on as before but with a new ring .

Possibly not the same, but when my husband's daughter finally got engaged, my husband couldn't afford to travel to the destination wedding that her fiancé wanted and - possibly they didn't realise this - when their child was born, we put the money we'd saved for the wedding into a building society account for the child and then signed it over to the parents.

My husband was retired by then and only had a small pension: I was the main breadwinner.

Actually it’s becoming less of the norm, marriage isn’t the best option for everyone. In fact after 10 years surely it’s more of a surprise that the op and her partner have decided to get married? Their lifestyle may mean it’s not a necessity to get married and yet are choosing to do so anyway.

Because it’s not a fuss-worthy situation in your case. Marriage is important on legal grounds, but the concept of ‘getting engaged’ when you’ve been fully committed to one another for a decade is a bit silly. It’s like asking your spouse of decades if they’d like to go on a date with you. ‘Engagement’ is pretty much as anachronistic as a penny farthing. We’d been together longer than you, and once we decided to get married, we just planned the wedding.

Congratulations!

TBH though, you yourself prioritised buying a house and going on holidays over getting married. It’s not really on to expect other people to get that excited about something even you don’t think is that important. It’s ok though. Weddings are generally way overhyped, the real joy is in that short moment when you make you vows, just the two of you. Nobody can take that away from you.

Congratulations OP ❤

(When I got engaged after dating for four weeks, the general response was "who to? 😂)

It's not a revelation if a couple get engaged after ten years no, but any wedding of someone you love is a cause for excitement surely.
It's a really happy hopefully once in a lifetime opportunity to celebrate love and happiness which is rare and to be treasured.

I mean when really is an engagement a big surprise to anyone nowadays?

I have been told by acquaintances how they are going on a holiday so he can propose at x location on x day etc , I'd find more joy and excitement in OP's news than a couple together a few years doing it on that kind of planned /staged event for Instagram way.

Ultimately you might feel a bit flat or meh but you keep it to yourself especially if it's your daughter, you are totally justified feeling hurt OP.
Make sure your wedding is everything just as you want it and congratulations x

I do see your husband’s point. It does seem slightly ridiculous to ask at that point. There’s no meaning behind it.

You mum should have stopped with lovely news congratulations. I wouldn’t expect a massive fuss but I’d expect them to wish you well, you are obviously happy and it’s nice news. I’m also surprised your mum doesn’t see the point..does she assume we have ‘common law’ marriage in England.

Massive congratulations OP! 💍🍾🥂

My friend recently got engaged after being in a relationship for a similar length of time… and I am THRILLED for her, as are our other close friends and her family. I love her and this is a massive deal for her, damn right I’m just as excited for her as I was for our other friends who got married sooner into their relationships.

I really don’t understand the people saying it’s a “surprise” to hear of an engagement after a few years of dating (so worth celebrating) but not ten… and anyway, why does it need to be a surprise to be celebrated? If you know someone is looking for a new job/trying for a baby, then they get a job/get pregnant, does that mean you shouldn’t congratulate them because it’s not a surprise to you? No, that’s ridiculous. The same should apply here.

And come on, marriage is always a “fuss-worthy” situation! I’m sorry you’ve had a few people put a dampener on your engagement, it must be so hurtful - especially from your mum - but I think it reflects poorly on them more than anything! Regardless, I hope you have a wonderful engagement, wedding, and life together with your DF ❤️

I'll be honest, I don't get it.

You want people to celebrate your engagement now as it's important to you but surely if it was that important, you would have done it before having children etc.

I don't understand by that's just me. The point of marriage is the legal protection is provides and is which is most needed when pregnant, maternity leave, parental situation etc. If the legal protection wasn't important when you were at your most vulnerable, then I don't understand why it is now.

I'm not trying to be goady, I just don't understand why not, if not before.

After so long together, I'm not sure I could get excited, I would just see it as a natural progression, not a massive surprise.

So would I. Obviously I’d be polite and congratulate you but privately I’d feel the way your friends and families have.

I would say "Congratulations" if someone told me they'd got engaged because it's the polite thing to do so I can slightly understand why you're pissed off a bit. But, I would be thinking 'What's the big deal after 10 years? Just move on to telling us when you are getting married'. I don't understand what an engagement is for nowadays.

These people are presumably adult? They can pay for their own wedding. These traditions need to die out.

After a decade together, it's not exciting news. It's just a case of doing the paperwork for the legal side of things and having a party afterwards. I'm sure it will be a fun party and everyone will have a good time.

An engagement is exciting news to announce when as a fairly new couple, you've both decided you're in a serious and committed relationship and will be marrying soon.

You've already been living as a married couple for years but haven't got round to doing the paperwork to make it official. You've missed the boat for the shocked faces and squealing excitement.

It doesn't mean you can't still have a nice wedding day though.

OP please let it go. PPs have explained why they perhaps weren't as overly excited as you would have liked.
YOU are excited, that's what matters. And so too is your fiance. Don't bring him down with you, thinking that his proposal isn't as important as your mother's reaction.

I can see his point too. I can't stand the tradition of asking the woman's father for permission to marry her. She's not a chattel, the only consent you need is hers! And yes even more ridiculous that they were living together and had a child. Did he ask her father's permission to "live in sin" and have a child out of wedlock? I bet he didn't.

OP, congratulations. It's a shame some of your family and friends have been lukewarm. I wonder if they might have been more enthusiastic if you'd said "we are getting married next June" or something like that. I know a few couples who've been together years, then they "get engaged" and more years roll by and there is still no wedding planned. So whilst it seems a bit miserable of them, it might seem like more of the same but with an added ring.

When we got engaged the plan was to wait 3 years until I'd finished my professional qualification and would find it easier to pay for a wedding. My mother was very sniffy and made comments like "oh it will never happen" and "I don't know why you bothered" . Spoiler - we did get married (after 2 years and on a tighter budget!)

I’d much rather celebrate a proven relationship than an unproven one. It’s a bit odd surely to say it’s only exciting if it’s a new couple. It’s nicer I think to find people who have been together for decades who still love each other and want to celebrate that. Rather than the much more common, first flush relationships, marry in haste, repent at leisure. I know more unmarried couples than married ones and pretty much all the married ones have been married more than once. Personally I’m in a committed relationship of 20+ years duration and would consider marriage eventually but probably not before about 35 years together - ideally longer but he might have other ideas.

So in your opinion, if a couple start going out with each other when they are 16, stay together through university, start careers, move in together, maybe even buy a house if they live somewhere affordable, and then at 26 decide to get engaged, nobody should congratulate them or be excited for them, because they've already been together 10 years?

It's not the same at all. Don't be mean. Congratulations OP

I don't think anyone is saying that it isn't appropriate to congratulate the OP, just that if they have been together for ten years, it isn't really anything for anyone apart from the couple themselves to be excited about.

Depends to be honest. I know someone who wanted a big fuss for their engagement. It’s now coming up for the 10th anniversary of their engagement, 2 kids since and no wedding planned. All a bit pointless to be honest. I’m sure they’ll celebrate the actual wedding!