To be told my engagement doesn’t matter?

[Joolz92]

Been with my partner for 10 years (ish - we split up 3 years in for a few months but then got back together). Gets on fine with family and friends, everything’s fine in that regard.

We weren’t engaged but discussed getting engaged and married a few times over the years but always had something else to spend the money on - saved up and bought our house, had nice holidays etc.

Last weekend on a hike, he proposed! It was a lovely sunny day and we had some fizz he hid in his bag, and later when we called our families, mine upset me. My mum basically said it was lovely news but not exciting as we’ve been together so long, and was it worth getting married when we’ve now been together this long anyway?

Im still really taken back by it. DF(!)s parents were both lovely and said congrats and excited to be wedding planning, though didn’t seem overly excited - fine, was still a nicer reaction than my parents. My friends group chat had lovely reactions except for 2 girls - one said ‘well we all knew it would come eventually’, and the other said to start planning a baby before the wedding as not getting any younger.

just really upset and needing to rant, what should be a lovely time just feels rubbish. DF says not to worry about them and has been trying his best to cheer me up. But I feel like the bubble has burst?

am I being unreasonable? Or am I being ridiculous? I’m not normally an ‘all about me’ person but I just thought I’d be able to enjoy this a little more?

People who get married after they have children should just do it quietly and skip the engagement. It’s not really the same as coming off the market for both of you with a view to marriage.

It's dead exciting, they're being mean. Congratulations!

Most people don’t find engagements that exciting.

Its usually the bride and groom to be who are the most excited and then family and friends get more excited once a wedding has been booked/it’s the actual day.

They should not have said anything but congratulations/I’m so happy for you etc but I think you’re overthinking a lot of things that were said.

Planning a baby etc was a light hearted joke and I don’t think it was intentionally rude.

If you and your partner are happy then that’s all that matters.

Congratulations

Congratations to you OP!

Me and DH were together for over 10 years before he proposed. We had talked about it but like you, buying a house and enjoying travelling, socialising A LOT and job changes meant we put it off really due to money and circumstance.

When we got engaged both our families gave us congratulations and were excited about the upcoming wedding. There were always jokes about how long we had been together, but they were still happy and we got cards etc.

I'm quite shocked at other posters saying they aren't surprised at the reactions, esp from your own mum! I'd definitely be disappointed in that myself so you aren't being unreasonable at all in feeling that way.

OP just make sure you and your other half have plenty of fun celebrating and getting excited about planning! 🥂

Congratulations OP, I think your mum spoke without engaging brain- no filter- which sometimes hapoens when you are very close to someone and you forget pleasantries.
I'm sure she once it sinks in she will happy and excited about your upcoming wedding.
As pp have said announcing your engaged isnt a big statement of commitment as you have already been living together for so long so maybe that's why reactions are more muted.
I had similar when DC4 was born-had barely any Congratulations cards, presents , not a single bunch of flowers- even from DH ( so I ordered myself a big fuck off bouquet🤣) but I can remember that it felt that DC4s birth wasn't important or note worthy and it hurt- I guess people were used to us having babies and similarly people consider you and your fiancé to be already in a committed relationship.
But it sounds like it was a lovely proposal- concentrate on yours and DHs excitement and start making wedding plans.

Wow, they’e all misery guts! At least you can have the wedding YOU want. Don’t feel obliged to invite them all or accommodate their wishes.

What a shit analogy 🤣

Congratulations OP! In my experience weddings between established couples tend to be even more special and emotional because they have all this shared history and we, as a congregation, already know they're devoted to each other. It will be really lovely on the day I'm sure.

I always chuckle at this sort of comment, it’s the subtext of I’m so much better that your family that does it. 😂

That subtext is made up entirely in your head.

@neverbeenskiing ‘s post demonstrates the decent thing to do.

We were married ten years in, everyone was very excited. Or they weren't really but knew it mattered to me so played along.

I always found it exciting when couples who don't live together and are only in a couple for a few years get engaged. There is this question of will they, won't they.

I don't get excited (sorry) when I hear of couple who have a house together and are an established couple, get engaged. When they bought the house, we knew the engagement was coming at some stage.

I am in my 50s and when I was young most people did not live together before getting engaged. The announcements were more exciting then. I used to get excited about neighbours, work colleagues getting engaged. Some couples would 'ruin' the excitrment by having a long engagement while they save for the wedding. By the time they got married the good had gone out of it. ;)

Just saying this to help you understand how others feel. Of course it will be very exciting for you as a couple. Congratulations

I agree with this^
Yes, you were together for quite a while but still it’s a big thing and you deserved congratulations, at least out of politeness.
I wonder if your mum is usually like this? If so, prepare to ignore her a bit more in the future.
She was also wrong from legal point of view, unless there is something about your finances you hasn’t mentioned.

I actually like how your DF proposed - you are on a hike, lovely sunny day, it’s perfect proposal imo. I don’t like very staged complicated proposals - now I will go and hide under the bed with my tin hat on.
Congatulations!💐

OP, sympathies.

You’ve ‘hyped up’ everyone else for years and now you want your share.

Some people are graceless, though. They could have at least acted thrilled - we all do sometimes.

That’s shit OP. Family and friends who are nice, take an interest in things that matter to you, even if it doesn’t feel like a big deal to them. Don’t let them spoil it for you.

We’ve never got married and I don’t really get excited about weddings, but when it’s people who I love getting married, I feel genuinely happy if they’re happy and obviously say nice things and be supportive.

Congratulations. 🥳

Well I got engaged after 7 years and married after 9 years everyone was pleased for us. My friend got engaged after 11 years together and married after 16 years and it was still a big deal.

The reactions were mean. Even if they think it, why do they have to say it? Is there a time limit on celebrating with nice words someone’s joyful news?

I got engaged after a similar amount of time and when I called my best friend her husband shouted down the phone “about time”. It hurt my feelings but I just ignored it and carried on chatting about the proposal. At the end of the call, she said “congrats again, but yes, it is about time”.

it felt like such a put down and an intentional slight, what is to be achieved, other than feeling superior, by raining on someone’s parade? I did wish I’d said or messaged her afterwards to tell her how that made me feel as I can’t lie, it’s made me withdraw a bit.

Miserable buggers, congratulations! I got engaged last year after 6 years, after DP taking on a now teenage step child, 3 house moves, 2 rescue cats, a full renovation etc. so not a fresh loves young dream 😅 but people said all the right things, because that's what people should do.

Congratulations!

We got engaged after 15 years together and I did feel upset that no one congratulated us at all. The response was generally, "oh."

I am in my 50s and when I was young most people did not live together before getting engaged.

Seriously? I am in my 50s and everyone I knew lived together before getting married!

Maybe they think you might be one of those couples who stay engaged forever? That wouldn't be unreasonable given you're together a while. People who get engaged faster, tend to marry with that momentum.
That might explain the flat reaction. My sister had the same with a long standing relationship, people told her that they thought she was married already!
I bet when the wedding day happens, everyone will be thrilled and enjoy the day with you.

Well.. I know a couple who were together for years, had kids, bought a house. Then he proposed. The 'engagement' lasted another 8 years or so. And only then they got married. After pretty much 20 years together. By that time they were an 'old married couple' (in a nice way) in everyone's eyes anyway..

Make noises about eloping OP. If they all throw their hands up in horror at the threat of being excluded, point out that nobody seemed particularly excited about your news, so you don't see the point in treating them to an expensive celebration.

See how they like them apples.

We got married after a decade together, didn’t even bother with an engagement as it seemed a bit silly after all that time. As two independent adults who had obviously committed to each other years ago it was a personal decision between us to get married rather than a public declaration.

They‘ll get excited about it once the date is set (hopefully for next year or you will look silly announcing an engagement after all this time with no marriage planned) as the wedding plans start and wedding approaches and once they realise they don’t need to pay for it!

Stupid analogy. Not the same at all. Do you sign a contract before you go on a 1st date the same way you would sign a contract before your 1st day at work. Try again!

And congrats OP. Ignore the comments and go have the wedding of your dreams