DH has become totally unsupportive of my career / business

[SparklyGreenKoala]

I have been a SAHM for a while and with my youngest a few years into primary school, I decided to start my a business with a friend.
It’s a business where the bulk of the work will need to be done during the weekends, so I am out most of Saturday and Sunday but this also means I am completely present the other 5 days.

At first, my husband was very supportive but he has become increasingly dismissive and patronising, because the business hasn’t yet turned a profit. It’s only been going for 3.5 years and it will take time to become established and profitable; He thinks it’s a waste of time and that I should do something else, but I love what I do. I get so much satisfaction from my work, I couldn’t imagine doing something else.

However, his main gripe is he doesn’t have the weekends free to himself and he is carrying more of the burden than me. I have tried to ignore this but he just becomes very shouty, accusing me of having a jolly whilst he has to deal a job he hates.

I accept, it’s not going to be easy, and I have arranged a cleaner to come on Friday afternoons, so there is no house work for him to do on Saturday mornings. However, the complaining hasn’t stopped and he has started to involve the wider family.

Am inbeing reasonable in asking him to support me.

So it works out that for 6 months of working 2 days a week you are earning 12kpa? So equivalent of 24k pa for 2 days a week? That's not negligible. How much is it likely to increase much over the next few years?
The problem is DH feeling dumped on and also there is a very limited amount of family time. Let's assume you are working all day Saturday and Sunday every weekend from April- end September, and he's working the other 5 days every week, that means you get no time together as a family during that time, and he gets no time off. If you are earning better now, could he drop to 4 days a week? Can you buy in help for at least one of the weekend days? Could you work on a day that is not a weekend day? It's definitely not fair for you assume he will pick the slack from you working, without it having been agreed , in the same way that it's not reasonable for him to assume you will take all responsibility for DC during the week. Whose decision was it for you to be at home on weekdays?
Both your working arrangements have to be enabled by the other, you both need to be in agreement about the working times of each of you.

@WiseKhakiGoose “Who do you think is cooking all week and doing other household chores?”

Well, not the OP alone actually. She got a cleaner 🤣

I don’t think it’s unfair to pick up a leetle bit more on cooking when your kids are in school, surely? I’m pretty certain you could just about manage all domestic tasks in those 5-ish free hours every day 🤣

I would absolutely hate it if my husband was out every weekend even if it was only for 6 months a year

YABU

Also, it’s not true he doesn’t support you he just hates being alone all weekend!

It is better that OP is earning something for the days she works, so it's not entirely a hobby. But it isn't more than she'd get in a duller but more family friendly Mon - Fri 9 to 5 or in fact a part time Mon to Saturday job.

I am also team husband I think OP needs to also look from his pov and see if there is a compromise.

She's cooking, she's dropping her kids at school, she's doing grocery shopping, wash and iron all clothes, helping kids with homework etc. Only because she has a cleaner once a week for a few hours, it doesn't mean there's no household chores during the week.

Don't be disingenuous. Everyone know when the DC are at school it's not a full-time job. And families with two parents in full time employment achieve all those chores on top of work.

No, she’s not working 5 days full time during the week because her children are at school Monday- Friday. Even if you assume she is doing drop off and picking up, then caring for them until her husband gets home it is very clear that she still has the vast majority of the day to do whatever she likes Monday-Friday. She is not working, she is not doing childcare during school hours and not doing the majority of household chores, given her husband was cleaning and tidying on Saturdays. Because he was unhappy, she’s hired a cleaner- not doing more herself.

he is working full time during the week and all weekend with the children by himself. Very clear disparity in terms of responsibilities. If the roles were reversed he would be called all names under the sun abd there’d be a fair few LTB.

I would absolutely hate it if my husband was out every weekend even if it was only for 6 months a year

It could be kids are a lot of work - as primary age covers wide range of ability and age but I suspect it this - and having family time is important.

Who do you think is cooking all week and doing other household chores?

There was me thinking that I was retired, while actually I'm working full time! Silly me not to notice that being at home and doing chores is every bit as intense, as hard, and with as much stress and responsibility as my teaching job was.

What nasty responses.

People acting like the OP is baking fairy cakes to sell on Facebook or offering to paint portraits of dogs with their "hobby job" responses when no one has mentioned what the business is and there is no indication that it's an actual hobby.

The OP has mentioned that she is in a partnership with 2 other people and has taken out loans which have had to be repaid. So in all likelihood this is a viable business and may take off (banks don't lend money to people to do their hobbies).

In the end, this H doesn't want to have to look after his own kids and that's why he's got the hump.

OP clearly wrote, there's three of them, earning 12k a year wage each! Why her wage isn't important? If she's paying herself a wage, that means there's no loss! Only because there's no dividends from business at the end of the year, it doesn't mean it's a loss.

I understand very well, she's not cashing at the end of the working day 230£ straight away, but if she earns 12k a month because she worked 52 days a year, that means she's earning 230£/day.

I'm not sure, what kind of money do you expect OP to earn from a start up, if she works only 52 days a year?

What do the other women in the business do during the week? How are their DP’s feeling about it?

I’m not as shocked and appalled as everyone else. Businesses take 3-5 years to make a profit. That’s fair enough. A lot of people don’t understand this!

If DP is that unhappy, you’ll have to see what he actually wants you to do to change things and see if you can meet in the middle. Maybe you and the other two can rotate weekends or something?

In the end, this H doesn't want to have to look after his own kids and that's why he's got the hump.

Every weekend, all through summer, with no family time. Would you say that to a woman if she was complaining about her husband choosing to work EVERY weekend, and not even for good remuneration.

I totally agree with you.

In the end, this H doesn't want to have to look after his own kids and that's why he's got the hump.

no, he’s just not willing to enable her to please herself and no one else any longer. She’s expecting him to pick up her slack.

In the end, this H doesn't want to have to look after his own kids and that's why he's got the hump

He's apparently done in past 3.5 years - and sound like he upset it's that time of year again.

Maybe it is that - maybe kids have got to difficult ages - maybe OP work more hours than she says - maybe he fed up it look like this is now the set pattern - maybe OP made promises of more money which have yet to materialise who the fuck on here knows.

She needs to have a proper conversation - find out what the problem actually is and what if any compromises can be made - and maybe they can't but they'd still know where they both stood.

In the end, this H doesn't want to have to look after his own kids and that's why he's got the hump.

No, he just doesn't want to work a full-time job during the week and solo-parent every weekend while his wife works two days a week and has five days to swan around while he pays for a cleaner

Is there not a part time job you can do while your dc are at school that makes 12k a year? 3.5 YEARS is a long time.

So if this was reversed and the Woman was working in a job she hated Monday to Friday, full time which paid all the bills. The husband was a stay at home dad 5 days a week whilst the children were in school, and then worked every weekend on his business leaving his wife to do all the weekend childcare. The wife complains she’s working ALL week and then having to do chores plus childcare at the weekend. So husband decides he will hire a cleaner on a Friday, which the wife will likely pay for, because for whatever reason he can’t keep up with this in the week whilst the kids are at school. He then complains that his wife isn’t understanding of his business which is something he loves but isn’t making alot of profit and taking him away from the family every weekend.

The man would be fucking crucified on this site if the roles were reversed.

Millions of other couples manage to do those things and both work full time. This OP has 25-30 hours child free a week and can’t seem to even clean the house!

I’m not as shocked and appalled as everyone else. Businesses take 3-5 years to make a profit. That’s fair enough. A lot of people don’t understand this!

Once again - this is a seasonal weekend business which can only make money on those days. How much profit is a business like that ever likely to make? Maybe it's not fairycakes or dog portraits, but it doesn't sound like the stuff of a career.

Team DH:

he works 5 days a week and is solely responsible for the DC on day 6 and 7. Zero downtime.

Meanwhile, you have at least 6h free time Mon - Fri when DC is at school and on Sat and Sun you engage in a jolly hobby (it's not more than that if it doesn't bring in any money esp after such a long time). You have a ball 7 days week.

What would your post be like if DH has spare tone all week and goes out cycling or golfing (or some other potentially outing) hobby all weekend whilst you either work or parent???

I’m not as shocked and appalled as everyone else. Businesses take 3-5 years to make a profit. That’s fair enough. A lot of people don’t understand this!

And be that as it may, something that requires that much time out of the house on a weekend, the main time to spend time together as a family when kids are school aged, it should be a joint decision. It's a huge commitment from them both so they have to be on the same page, no parent is entitled to crack on as they see fit relying on the other one to pick up the slack, if he's not happy with the arrangement, OP is unreasonable to continue.

If the DH has been able to work around it up to now, I'd be inclined to ask what's changed?

If it's six months out of the year, is there plenty of family time the other six months? Does he have a hobby? Is he out most evenings a week doing that? Is he annoyed he can't go out drinking on the weekends or have hangover recovery time after Friday wind down sessions at the pub with his work colleagues?

We don't know any If this because the OP has likely fled the thread and gone off to flagellate herself for having the temerity to try and do something productive.

We see all the time on here parents stressed to the gills, relying on expensive wrap around child care, trying to work full time jobs and the answer is always "it isn't forever, keep calm and carry on". Why dies that not apply here?

I guess because ultimately it’s not working for the full time earner who is supporting OP and her family. If he’s not on board then this arrangement does not work.

Honestly amazing how no matter what, MN posters will manage to twist a situation to always paint the man to be in the wrong.

olympic level mental gymnastics on display.