DH has become totally unsupportive of my career / business

[SparklyGreenKoala]

I have been a SAHM for a while and with my youngest a few years into primary school, I decided to start my a business with a friend.
It’s a business where the bulk of the work will need to be done during the weekends, so I am out most of Saturday and Sunday but this also means I am completely present the other 5 days.

At first, my husband was very supportive but he has become increasingly dismissive and patronising, because the business hasn’t yet turned a profit. It’s only been going for 3.5 years and it will take time to become established and profitable; He thinks it’s a waste of time and that I should do something else, but I love what I do. I get so much satisfaction from my work, I couldn’t imagine doing something else.

However, his main gripe is he doesn’t have the weekends free to himself and he is carrying more of the burden than me. I have tried to ignore this but he just becomes very shouty, accusing me of having a jolly whilst he has to deal a job he hates.

I accept, it’s not going to be easy, and I have arranged a cleaner to come on Friday afternoons, so there is no house work for him to do on Saturday mornings. However, the complaining hasn’t stopped and he has started to involve the wider family.

Am inbeing reasonable in asking him to support me.

@Mirabai I didn't say that you didn't understand a business. It sounds like you absolutely do. But I find it worrying that the OP doesn't seem to have a sound grasp of some of these concepts.

Youngest then. Women who’ve trained in professional careers generally go back to that career. Do you really think doctors, lawyers and bankers take jobs as teaching assistants? If they wanted a career change they’d retrain as a teacher.

One of my siblings took 15 years out and went back into finance on 70k for a 3 day week.

I think that’s a fair point.

I’m not sure if she’s being intentionally vague to protect her identity or whether she’s a bit vague as to how the business will develop.

My husband earns a very good salary. He is a fantastic earner and there would be little point in him giving up his job. I could never, ever hope to earn what he makes.
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But OP doesn't even say she has a degree, does she? Let alone one in law or medicine? I've looked through all her posts and it's not there from what I can tell.

The degree bit was brought up because she mentioned how it would be okay for a university student not to work for a few years.

So really, what a banker or a lawyer would be able to do is completely irrelevant to her situation and earning potential should she go back to paid employment.

But we know nothing of OPs previous employment.

I was working as a HR assistant. I’d earn £28k if I went back.

You’re being completely unreasonable.

You are expecting him to work a 5 day week and then childcare 2 days a week so you can basically do a hobby. 3.5 years with no profit is not a viable business in any sense of the word.

I really really hope your kid(s) haven’t started school because if they have you’re so far on the wrong side of fence it’s divorce territory.

Get a job.

Would you be able to walk back into paid employment after such a long break? I know nothing about HR work and training etc.

Oh my word.

You do nothing 5 days a week AND have a cleaner.

this has to be a joke.

Her kids are (at least) late primary age.

Dont be surprised if you no longer have a dh come October!

No you need to read what she actually said, I have been a SAHM for a while and with my youngest a few years into primary school, I decided to start my a business with a friend.

So it is the 8 years plus the 3.5 not minus the 3.5.

I would really listen to your husbands concerns then if this is the case, if roles were reversed I'd be urging you to consider divorcing his arse.

Well, the only person whose opinion matters really is the OP and the husband. If the OP wants to dick around with her weekend job and her high-earning husband was happy about it, there would be no issue. However, as the husband is clearly really pissed off about it-there is a problem and something needs to change. It might be that divorcing the OP is the change he decides to made, the I presume she would have to get a different job to pay her own bills.

I have adjusted the cleaner to come Monday and Fridays, instead Monday and Wednesday

I don’t get this though. I don’t know anyone that has a cleaner come twice a week, let alone someone who has 25-30 hours a week at home alone! I’d be seriously bemused if I worked full time in a job I hated in order to pay all the bills and my partner who was at home all week whilst the kids were at school, decided we needed a cleaner two days a week!

If I were your husband I would fully support you , and I would also expect to be supported. That's what families are for.

But you said he hates his job.

You could be earning more than twice as much if you went back to your HR job. But your reasoning is "I love what I do. I get so much satisfaction from my work, I couldn’t imagine doing something else."

Why doesn't the same logic apply to your DH? How come only you get to love what you do? Why can't you get a PT job to fund your passion project/hobby business?

Maybe your husband should do what he loves too and retrain in busking or flame-throwing... 😉

(On second thoughts, is this whole thread a wind up?)

Are you a wedding photographer or other wedding industry?

3.5 years is too long to not be in profit.

I’m self employed and turned a small profit by the end of year 1. Good profits by year 3.5

So if you don't need the money, why are you sacrificing so much for it? I mean, my DS is driving me mad today but I don't think I'd want to spend 6 months worth of weekends not doing stuff with him/with him and DH. That's not meant to be goady at all. I think there are ways to fulfil yourselves that may not have such a big impact on the rest of your family.

It's not that rare, especially if it is a big house and they can afford. People would also keep ft nanny-housekeepers with mum being home full-time.

You'd support your husband to be home doing nothing all week and working (at least) 26 full weekends a year, leaving you to work full-time in a job you hate and solo-parenting on the weekends he was working? And you'd pay for a cleaner to come in on top?

Really?

Only if the high earner was happy with the set up though, which the OP’s husband quite clearly isn’t!

A business without a good profit after 2 years is just a hobbie , so yes he is right in being upset . When do you have family time ? Don’t you do family stuff together?

Sorry, but you’re couching this as him not being supportive of some sort of career. Unfortunately, it’s not really that - you’re free all week with no kids in the house, then you spend the weekends with your friend doing what you “love” for absolutely no money. It’s not a case of now it’s your turn to work / have a career etc. It’s a jolly and I think he’s been an absolute saint in allowing this to go on 3.5 years. He has an actual full time job with the responsibility of financially supporting his family and no time off in the week. Get another job that actually contributes / allows him some downtime / makes room for family time.

I would support him grow his business, I would also seat down with him and try working out why it is not scaling ,what needs changing,etc.
And yes, I would be paying for a weekly cleaner as I always do.
I would also expect the same if the roles were reversed.