DH has become totally unsupportive of my career / business

[SparklyGreenKoala]

I have been a SAHM for a while and with my youngest a few years into primary school, I decided to start my a business with a friend.
It’s a business where the bulk of the work will need to be done during the weekends, so I am out most of Saturday and Sunday but this also means I am completely present the other 5 days.

At first, my husband was very supportive but he has become increasingly dismissive and patronising, because the business hasn’t yet turned a profit. It’s only been going for 3.5 years and it will take time to become established and profitable; He thinks it’s a waste of time and that I should do something else, but I love what I do. I get so much satisfaction from my work, I couldn’t imagine doing something else.

However, his main gripe is he doesn’t have the weekends free to himself and he is carrying more of the burden than me. I have tried to ignore this but he just becomes very shouty, accusing me of having a jolly whilst he has to deal a job he hates.

I accept, it’s not going to be easy, and I have arranged a cleaner to come on Friday afternoons, so there is no house work for him to do on Saturday mornings. However, the complaining hasn’t stopped and he has started to involve the wider family.

Am inbeing reasonable in asking him to support me.

Having some time to himself at weekends =/= expecting OP to solo parent 24/7.

I said YABU but then read the updates. Go for it.

Maybe OP can take on a proper job and use that to fund the family while the husband career changes. Fair is fair, after all.

It's misogyny. Women's work in the home and their silly little part time jobs are worthless compared to the man's Real Job.

The idea that a man do more than his share of childcare for 52 days a year is considered abject cruelty.

Loads of men shirk childcare routinely just for hobbies and meeting friends, and their wives are expected to put up with it.

You're regaining a career and skills after a long break to raise you and your husbands children, and this makes you a lazy useless "cuntlodger", apparently.

Please don't listen. You've been a mum for many years. It's really important that you have your own career and independence. You're being a good role model to your children.

How is he expecting her to solo parent 24/7? Kids are at school all week but she does sometimes have to take a phone call. Evenings presumably they are both there, if she isn't working weekends they are both there so sharing childcare.

Of course he can. He’s not the sole earner and even if he were he could still change his job.

I wouldn't be that concerned with the general response, if I were you. I think your original post made it seem like the business was performing much worse than it actually is. I would have definitely voted YANBU if I had realised that your business is making enough to employ three people. I thought from the original post that you were basically covering only materials costs for a hobby business. Well done for being an amazing self starter

One of the things they could be considering.

For what it's worth, I really hate it when people call it childcare. It's just fucking parenting.

Oh right so when you asked me where I got that from you actually knew where I got it from you just decided you knew more about how the OPs husband feels about his job than he does. Clever.

Maybe OP could tell her husband to quit his job and be a SAHD for awhile while she scales up the business full time then? I'm sure her husband would love a break from his "real job".

No, he's not the sole earner but he is the main earner who can't take a job that involves weekends (as his wife needs those free for her business) and who needs to bring in a certain income to pay the bills. OP has said her income will never increase beyond 12k so the rest is up to him.

Low expectations.

So you admit you misread it ok.

Unfortunately most people who have opted out of paid work for the best part of a decade can't just walk into a high paying role. They have to start at the bottom and work their way up.

No she didn’t say that, she said no chance of taking a higher salary for the moment as they’re investing back in the business.

I commend you for starting a business but I have to be honest that I too would be a bit miffed if my DH was at home all week not working (whilst our DC were at school) and then spent all weekend being busy.

Could you not just get a PT/TTO job during the week?

I think it’s the fact that it’s been 3.5 years that is the biggest thing.

You cannot invest all of this time and energy into something that doesn’t turn a profit.

I would seriously consider whether this business is going to be profitable any time soon or whether you would be better off retraining and doing something else instead.

If the sexes were reversed everyone would say LTB if she was working 5 days a week and had the kids all weekend.

@Mirabai Which shows that she doesn't understand how a business works. If you're investing back into the business, you are - by default - making a profit (otherwise what else are you investing if not capital?)

Oldest is a few years into primary school, let’s say she’s 8. OP has been working this business for 3.5 years so she took 4.5 years out. Not a decade.

And no if you have a degree, professional training and previous career, you don’t have to start at the bottom on minimum wage when you go back into the workplace.

I run my own freelancing hustle and read/listen to business advice (whether re: side hustles or start-ups, bootstrapping or venture capital) voraciously.

OP's situation / dilemma is actually a very common one that crops up so much in the entrepreneur world. It's actually not so much about gender as age. I hear it so much from men/fathers. Essentially, they can no longer afford the financial, practical and emotional hit to family life, especially if their wife is shouldering most of it.

That's reality – her DH is her DH, not her deep-pocketed angel investor, and even then investors usually run out of patience after a few years.

Thing is, if you throw time and capital (money) at a business, you will succeed marginally at some point. Only very young and rich people can afford to do that.

Have you heard of the Donald Trump calculation? Any normal person sitting around in his position with his amount of capital and time would've made far more money than he had (before his political era, when he was considered a business genius and before he was outed to the world as an idiot). So although he made billions on paper, it was an actual loss in terms of hypothetical earnings.

I'm not saying OP is an idiot a la Trump, but the opportunity cost — in terms of her potential PT/FT work earnings, her DH's labour, her family life — compared to her projected earnings is very high.

OP keeps saying her business is scaleable. I don't doubt this. Every business is scaleable technically/theoretically (albeit product-based businesses moreso than service-based businesses). But the proof is in the pudding.

• No one expects overnight riches but tbh, 3.5 years shows it's a bit slow-going in terms of a niche. Can she market to a more lucrative customer avatar?
• If she can't actually outsource or delegate much at this stage (2 employees yet still has to be present), will she be able to when she has 5 times as many customers? Does it require very specialised training which could present an obstacle to scaling?
• If it's all going back in the business, does that mean high fixed costs or variable costs (eg equipment, customer insurance) in the business model she's chosen?
• If her business is so seasonally reliant, will she in the next few years' (as opposed to over 10+ years) be able to pivot to a more stable business model that can support a family?

It's worthwhile being open to tweaking her biz model, and exploring other alternatives: pumping some of the profits into household help for the DH, getting a part time job during school hours... Again, all of these are suggestions I've heard for men on business platforms/communities.

Might be wrong but I suspect revenue is going towards fixed/variable costs, or customer acquisition – not a profit

No, her youngest was a few years into primary school when she started her business. It's right there at the beginning of her OP.

"I have been a SAHM for a while and with my youngest a few years into primary school, I decided to start my a business with a friend."

And even with a degree, there's no guarantee of walking back into a well-paying job if you've chosen to take a massive chunk of time out.

@ironedcurtain You're absolutely right that it could be but, as you say in your post, that may not be the most sound foundation for a business and especially one where the any investment in the business from the revenue is, at best, being matched by the associated increase in revenue which, after 3.5 years, seems pretty unsustainable to me. I'd love to see the BS, P&L and cash flow predictions!

I run my own business thanks. It’s not entirely clear. OP says in the OP they’re not making a profit. But later that her salary will remain the same because “all other money will be ploughed back into the business”. Which implies they are taking a profit but reinvesting it. I don’t know which one is correct.