DH has become totally unsupportive of my career / business

[SparklyGreenKoala]

I have been a SAHM for a while and with my youngest a few years into primary school, I decided to start my a business with a friend.
It’s a business where the bulk of the work will need to be done during the weekends, so I am out most of Saturday and Sunday but this also means I am completely present the other 5 days.

At first, my husband was very supportive but he has become increasingly dismissive and patronising, because the business hasn’t yet turned a profit. It’s only been going for 3.5 years and it will take time to become established and profitable; He thinks it’s a waste of time and that I should do something else, but I love what I do. I get so much satisfaction from my work, I couldn’t imagine doing something else.

However, his main gripe is he doesn’t have the weekends free to himself and he is carrying more of the burden than me. I have tried to ignore this but he just becomes very shouty, accusing me of having a jolly whilst he has to deal a job he hates.

I accept, it’s not going to be easy, and I have arranged a cleaner to come on Friday afternoons, so there is no house work for him to do on Saturday mornings. However, the complaining hasn’t stopped and he has started to involve the wider family.

Am inbeing reasonable in asking him to support me.

I honestly don’t know if YABU or not.

If three of you are drawing £1k a month each then it’s not too shabby - but you say the salary will not increase.

It’s seasonal, weekend based. So I’m thinking some sort of kayaking/paddleboarding business maybe? So you have to be out of the house.

I guess imagine if it were you. You hated your job, you worked Mon-fri and at weekends you didn’t get any time to simply reset and spend some time alone. Meanwhile, your DH ran a business with 2 friends and you never really saw him - and he contributed £250 a week to family life, and this was never going to increase.

Does it sound reasonable?

Why would he be solo-parenting every weekend if she went back to work full-time?

This forum is full of women who claim to be happy and empowered working FT around their kids. Yet when a woman who’s done a stint of SAHP turns up they attack viciously. It’s a no brainer what’s going on.

Honestly, the attempts to inflate parenting of school age DC, cleaning, and "household management" to a super time consuming thing that requires someone not to work is just pathetic. I have two primary school age DC and DH and I both work FT. We use a small amount of after school childcare, but we somehow manage to clean, cook, do the school run, pick up, bedtimes, homework, "household management", have social lives and hobbies, and in my case study as well. Like most working parents of school age children do.

Why don’t you read my post more carefully.

I read it. My point was that it wouldn't be solo (like now) so he'd get more of a break

Is there some sort of compromise? If you love it and want to carry on can you reduce the time doing it to say one weekend day and have fewer clients, but get another job for during the week?

The thing is most people who go to university will go for three years (obviously this varies) but will then have the potential to earn a lot more than £12k.
They'll also generally be working weekdays/shifts with more opportunities for weekends to be family time.
Also, your DH is working and providing for the family all week then doing the whole load during most weekends also, and having no opportunity for family time.
It would be completely different if your business were weekdays and were able to be done whilst the children are in school.

If this were reversed and it was the DH in your position everyone would be saying to LTB. It really is great you’re starting your getting back to work after a career break bringing up children which isn’t easy, and it’s great you’re setting up your own business, but this just doesn’t seem like a suitable business when you have a young family, unless you’re able to do more work during the week and rota with the others so you all get more weekends off over summer.

Genuine Q: So if there was a SAHD (plus, of older kids), you'd expect the woman (who works full time M-F) to take charge of the kids and house 100% on weekends too?

I am very surprised by many of the replies here and I think it's because people are misunderstanding about profit.
You have given up several years of career and pension building etc to be a sahm, helping your husband be able to go to work whilst you do childcare. Now you've started a business which is able to pay 3x12k salaries and pay of creditors and is moving to becoming profitable. That sounds wonderful both for you personally and for what it will help your family no doubt with extra income.

Your husband should be supporting you, he is a father meaning he needs contribute just as much as you do and have done. That's all part of raising kids. Plenty of people shift work and work over weekends to share childcare of their children, you dh just needs to suck it up and get on with it.

His main gripe is he doesn’t have the weekends free to himself and he is carrying more of the burden than me.

Well, he's right isn't he? At the end of the day, OP it doesn't matter what any of us think, although about 80% are on your DHs side.

At the end of the day it matters - to your marriage - whether you both agree that the division of chores and labour is fair. And he doesn't. He's made it more than clear that he thinks you are not pulling your weight.

If he decides to divorce you then it's likely (as a SAHM) that you will have the kids during the week and he will probably do EOW. It is quite possible that this is beginning to look worth it to him. If you continue to accept that his support and patience has run out you may find that his desire to be married to you has as well.

The business is absolutely scalable. There are others who have made millions, employ people full time.

It's such bollocks isn't it? Imagine a woman posting and saying:

"My DH was a SAHD when your DC were small, but when they went to primary school, he never made the effort to find work. After a few years he eventually started a business but it takes him away for full weekends all summer and I end up working all weekend and being a solo parent every weekend. He only earns 12k and that amount won't be increasing at any point in the future.

He won't get a job as he claims he's working the equivalent of full-time during the week on "household management" even though our kids are in school and I pay a cleaner twice a week. AIBU to LTB?"

Nobody would be telling her to support him and to be nice, lol.

@SparklyGreenKoala

Some of us do have your back here.

And can understand your point of view.

To the poster yapping on about reverses what makes you think my opinion would be different if the genders were reversed?

If it was two men or two women in a life partnership/marriage my opinion would be the same.

The crux of the matter is tied up in poor and insulting communication from one party to another making resolution difficult.

This

So why aren't you doing that instead of limiting yourself to 12k and giving up half your weekends?

Don’t talk such rubbish, he’s already done it for over three years, the man haters are out on the lose, heaven forbid that roles were reversed on this one the answers would be so different. I think he has every right to object, he must be totally fed up of it.

Why would you work 5 days a week x 3 terms when you could be your own boss working 52 days a year for the same money?

But you can't scale it because you're not making any profits - unless you invest heavily in it personally.

3.5 years working Saturday and Sunday without a profit? I wouldn't be happy either.

Plenty of people shift work and work over weekends to share childcare of their children

Correct, but at the moment, OP does nothing all week while her DH works full-time, then he solo parents 26 weekends a year while she works. It's not the same as to two full-time working parents juggling childcare and shiftwork between them.

So why won’t your wage ever increase? At what level will you be able to take dividends?

I would say exactly the same if it were a bloke. I think OP needs a timeframe for profit but what she’s doing now is fine.

Because the former means you get school holidays, weekends and family time, and don't have to worry about all the stresses that come with being self-employed.

👆