DH has become totally unsupportive of my career / business

[SparklyGreenKoala]

I have been a SAHM for a while and with my youngest a few years into primary school, I decided to start my a business with a friend.
It’s a business where the bulk of the work will need to be done during the weekends, so I am out most of Saturday and Sunday but this also means I am completely present the other 5 days.

At first, my husband was very supportive but he has become increasingly dismissive and patronising, because the business hasn’t yet turned a profit. It’s only been going for 3.5 years and it will take time to become established and profitable; He thinks it’s a waste of time and that I should do something else, but I love what I do. I get so much satisfaction from my work, I couldn’t imagine doing something else.

However, his main gripe is he doesn’t have the weekends free to himself and he is carrying more of the burden than me. I have tried to ignore this but he just becomes very shouty, accusing me of having a jolly whilst he has to deal a job he hates.

I accept, it’s not going to be easy, and I have arranged a cleaner to come on Friday afternoons, so there is no house work for him to do on Saturday mornings. However, the complaining hasn’t stopped and he has started to involve the wider family.

Am inbeing reasonable in asking him to support me.

ALL of those things add up to more than a full time job.

She said she got a cleaner specifically for Fridays, so her husband doesn't need to do housework on Saturdays. This implies that it's a daily job. She probably hires a cleaner for 2 hours, which would be 6 x 2 = 12 hours cleaning alone for the rest of the week. If she had a nanny to do pre and post school, school runs, drop offs, breakfast and dinner, that would probably be 1 x 5 plus 3 x 5 = 20 hours. Then bed time routines is 1 x 5 = 5. We're at 37 hours already, and that's not including household management, admin, food shopping, organising appointments etc, or being on call for the children at all times.

She works outside the home 52 days a year, and earns £12,000 for this. That's equivalent of £230.77 a DAY.

It's totally unreasonable to expect her to give this up.

Women who are stay at home mums are financially vulnerable. This job ensures that not only does she have her own money, she doesn't have such a huge gap on her CV - and is showing she has the skills to run a business.

It also gives her a life and identity outside of serving her husband and children, which is so psychologically important.

God forbid a dad be the one to pick up the slack for 52 days a year, instead of a mum for 365 days a year. How cruel that a dad has to parent his children!

And if, as PP suggested, she's using her "free hours" during the week to do admin etc. then she's earning even less than that. Not worth it imo.

Except she said there is no losses or debts.

Businesses don't have to keep growing and expanding, success can just be making enough so you all earn a living from it. That's the reality for many small businesses, and that's ok.

She's not self sufficient, she's financially dependent. £1000 a month is not much to get by on. Plus she relies on weekend help from her husband or, if divorced, paid help.

I don't think PPs pro-rating it to £50k a year is right. If it could be done on weekdays, why doesn't she, especially if her DH and kids are at work & school? The business model seems to only work for weekends, 2 days a week, plus only 6 months a year (Oct till March).

I think you'll find most self employed people, especially sole traders do alot of admin in their own time essentially "for free". It saves on fees for accountants etc and isn't rocket science for straightforward small businesses which are essentially money in versus money out.

As ever, the ideal versus reality doesn't always stack up.

You forgot that her husband is funding her staying at home 5 days a week (especially when kids are at school so what is she doing then) though. He's taking care of the kids and house on weekends. Put aside gender for a second. When does the poor workhorse, I mean man, get a bloody break?

Imagine if a woman had to work 5 days a week to support her family and solely take care of kids on the weekend, just so her husband could feel pleased with his £1000/month pocket money salary. (Also, why are you assuming she has a nanny? Nobody can afford a nanny on a £1000 salary surely.)

You do have good points about identity, business skills, etc but business also involves taking reality into consideration. Clearly something about the business model works – as someone who runs my own pretty profitable freelance business, why not try pivoting, outsourcing, etc?

@slore your calculations don't work, though.

She said she got a cleaner specifically for Fridays, so her husband doesn't need to do housework on Saturdays. This implies that it's a daily job. She probably hires a cleaner for 2 hours, which would be 6 x 2 = 12 hours cleaning alone for the rest of the week.

Except OP is away on weekends and pays someone on a Friday, so she's only actually doing 2 hours a day, four days a week, not the 12 hours you're trying to claim.

If she had a nanny to do pre and post school, school runs, drop offs, breakfast and dinner, that would probably be 1 x 5 plus 3 x 5 = 20 hours. Then bed time routines is 1 x 5 = 5. We're at 37 hours already, and that's not including household management, admin, food shopping, organising appointments etc, or being on call for the children at all times.

Except she's not a single parent with no support. She has a husband who also contributes to the vast majority of those things, so you can reduce those hours by at least a third (assuming her DH gets home around 5-6pm).

She works outside the home 52 days a year, and earns £12,000 for this. That's equivalent of £230.77 a DAY.

Minus tax, minus NI, minus sick pay and annual leave, minus all the other unpaid hours she must devote to her business doing all the admin, ordering etc. It's not the amazing daily rate you're trying to make it out to be.

I also run my own business by the way and my "income" is nowhere near as good as it looks on paper because I do everything myself - taxes, NI, accounting, paperwork, client communications - all done "for free" in my own time.

God, you're the kind of woman who'd present their husband with an itemised hourly invoice for the housework, aren't you?

I agree with you. SAHM wives of high-earning husbands (we don't know he's high earning, either) can be vulnerable. Which is why she should get a job, and stop dicking around with a "hobby" that hasn't made a profit in 3.5 years.

That's true, which is why the advice is ALWAYS to factor that "free labour time" in your hourly rate and calculated earnings. That's literally the most common advice from business/freelancer podcasts, books, communities, etc.

As an exaggerated example, I could be charging a client £500/hr but if it's taking me 50 hours of work behind the scenes and I'm earning £10/hr, there's no point bragging about what a lucrative niche I've hit. Also, some time is more "premium" than others – time on weekends or odd hours should be worth more than hours within 9-5, in cold hard hourly rate terms when you're calculating trade-offs.

When are you likely to take home the equivalent of minimim wage?

What does the business do?

Oh knock it off. My friend who's a "SAHM" to teens spends most of her day napping. Rich husband, fair enough.

SAHM to little kids is more exhausting than a full-time 9-5, I grant you that, but not when the kids are older and mostly in school/self-sufficient.

But — even if you consider a SAHM to teens/older children equivalent to a full time job (sorry, I don't), then if the 2 of them are working full time jobs, surely weekend kids/house work should be shared?

I really want to know why things have changed in the DHs attitude this year though? Presumably the situation was discussed and agreed upon in the beginning. If it was every weekend of the year, I could better understand the resentment, but it's not.

Also, if it's not about the money itself, simply the principle of it not yet turning a profit, why is he suddenly being unsupportive?

I'm sure there will be relies along the lines of "poor side he's been ground down over time" but we don't have enough info to support that.

For all we know he's read about trad wives (a concept which makes me heave) and wants the OP at home under his eye.

It could be a million and one things, but if the OP isn't able, as it sounds, to have a decent conversation about it without him belittling her and getting shouty, she's in a very tricky position.

Also, if it's not about the money itself, simply the principle of it not yet turning a profit, why is he suddenly being unsupportive?

Presumably because he's sick of being a solo parent for 26 weekends a year so his wife can work on a business that isn't really working out?

Lots to read and I will. I am slightly disappointed with the general response from users. There are other threads where women have decided to go to university and their husbands have been flamed for being unsupportive. What I am doing doesn’t require the same commitment of a university student.

The times aren’t set: there will be some weekends where it’s only one day where I will have to work and occasionally I might have a free weekend. I can also book time off to go to family weddings etc. However, I’ve had to work some weekends in the winter, its swings and roundabouts.

I have to put in some hours during the week, although these are fleeting: 30 minutes for a call, an hour meeting etc.

The business hasn’t made a profit but I get a salary of around £12k. This wage won’t increase; all other money will be ploughed back into the business.

I am out and about, meeting people, learning skills etc.

I have adjusted the cleaner to come Monday and Fridays, instead Monday and Wednesday, which means the husband doesn’t have to clean up or tidy up at all.

If my other half had ploughed 3.5 years into a business that wiped out 6 months of weekends (during the nice part of the year) running a business that pays him only £12 a year, I’d be beyond fed up by now. Presumably you’re just going into the 4th season of this?

I don’t think you’ve said - do you need to work on this business in the off-season (accounts, planning, sourcing stock/suppliers), and do you need to work in the week during the on-season on things like quotes, orders, invoicing etc? Because if either of those things are true, you’re working more than 6 months of weekends.

I’d be so bloody fed up in your husband’s shoes.

What are you doing all week while your kids are at school @SparklyGreenKoala ?

Sorry I agree with this.

Yeah because he is funding it

What do you do during the week when the children are at school and your husband is at work? How many hours are you putting into this business?

@MistressoftheDarkSide it would genuinely be hilarious to see your flustered backtracking if it turns out the genders were reversed:

"SAHD" who does fuck all while the grown kids are at school 5-7 hours a day, doesn't chip in at all on weekends, doesn't contribute much (or anything since most of it seem to be going to cleaning costs, which again begs the question of what this SAHD is doing while the kids are at school) to household income

I'm 100% for a woman finding her niche & getting herself back on her feet after a career break. But 3.5 years is a lot for anyone (her DH in this case) to never get a break on weekdays or weekends. I'd snap and murder my DH if it were me shouldering his fantasy/burden.

Has OP considered a part time job while the kids are at school to fund her weekend side hustle costs, or to outsource/delegate help for her side hustle? Pivoting her niche so she can profit on weekdays as well? I run my own freelancing business btw and there's ample business advice out there for side hustles, especially bootstrapping ones. Man or woman, I think the same business advice applies re its long-term sustainability. Even if OP had a rich backer, throwing money and hours at it isn't going to work unless she tweaks her business model.

I agree with all of this. It seems very self indulgent.

@SparklyGreenKoala

This is completely different to studying at university.

a) the time is finite, b) studying and classes can be spread out and doesn’t take 26 full weekends in a year, and c) will lead to better opportunities.

None of these are the case in your situation.

There’s no prospect of earning more?! WTF is the point?

£12k is shit ‘wages’: seems probable you’d earn more through employment. The opportunity cost of your business is very high.

Doubt many households can afford for one parent to study for a degree or take 4 - 5 years on a business that isn’t viable, or viable yet. You can do it because your H has been paying.

the only ways this could be understandable IMO is if your business has real prospects to bring in a lot of money and/or your H is one of those men who wants to make no concessions in his working or home life to enable his partner to earn income.

No he’s not. She can go back to work 5 days a week, but he will still be looking after the kids on the weekend. He’s used to the life of Riley with a SAHP running round him at the weekends.