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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

DH has become totally unsupportive of my career / business

599 replies

SparklyGreenKoala · 05/05/2024 12:11

I have been a SAHM for a while and with my youngest a few years into primary school, I decided to start my a business with a friend.
It’s a business where the bulk of the work will need to be done during the weekends, so I am out most of Saturday and Sunday but this also means I am completely present the other 5 days.

At first, my husband was very supportive but he has become increasingly dismissive and patronising, because the business hasn’t yet turned a profit. It’s only been going for 3.5 years and it will take time to become established and profitable; He thinks it’s a waste of time and that I should do something else, but I love what I do. I get so much satisfaction from my work, I couldn’t imagine doing something else.

However, his main gripe is he doesn’t have the weekends free to himself and he is carrying more of the burden than me. I have tried to ignore this but he just becomes very shouty, accusing me of having a jolly whilst he has to deal a job he hates.

I accept, it’s not going to be easy, and I have arranged a cleaner to come on Friday afternoons, so there is no house work for him to do on Saturday mornings. However, the complaining hasn’t stopped and he has started to involve the wider family.

Am inbeing reasonable in asking him to support me.

OP posts:
berksandbeyond · 05/05/2024 15:59

Imagine the replies if it was the dad who was sitting at home all week as a stay at home parent to school aged kids, then pissing off all weekend and leaving the wife who had been working all week to look after the kids. For a measly 12k. I’d be furious, Im surprised he’s put up with it for as long as 3.5 years

laclochette · 05/05/2024 16:00

@WiseKhakiGoose It might not be as negative as he doesn't want to have to look after the kids. There's also the possibility he actually wants to spend time with his wife and kids together as a family for more than just the snatches of tired time after work in the evening!
I was once in a relationship without kids where we only had one day off a week that was common to us both and that was hard enough, it sounds really hard to be ships that pass like this, especially when you have kids!
The OP does say he's annoyed cos he doesn't have the weekends free to himself and if that is his only rationale then that's dickish. But we only have her word for that.

fieldsofbutterflies · 05/05/2024 16:03

Is his problem that you don’t earn enough money for the family or that he has to look after the kids during weekends

Why does it have to be either of those things? Maybe (like many women on here) he wants to spend some time with his wife and kids at the weekends?

dawngreen · 05/05/2024 16:04

What type of business is it, and have you broken even yet?

RobBeckettsGiantTeeth · 05/05/2024 16:04

berksandbeyond · 05/05/2024 15:59

Imagine the replies if it was the dad who was sitting at home all week as a stay at home parent to school aged kids, then pissing off all weekend and leaving the wife who had been working all week to look after the kids. For a measly 12k. I’d be furious, Im surprised he’s put up with it for as long as 3.5 years

Exactly.

And it's not just the 3.5 years either - she was a SAHM until "a few years into primary school" beforehand, likely not on maternity leave from a job either since she's been free to start this hobby "business" when she decided to return to work.

He's probably been carrying all the financial weight for at least ten years, and is now having to do all the weekend childcare too after all week in a full-time job that he hates.

Shinyandnew1 · 05/05/2024 16:04

slore · 05/05/2024 15:42

Small problem: there has to be teaching assistant vacancies, and she would have to get the job over other applicants.

Show quote history

Oh, trust me-there are plenty of TA vacancies out there!!

berksandbeyond · 05/05/2024 16:06

dawngreen · 05/05/2024 16:04

What type of business is it, and have you broken even yet?

I guessed some sort of party planning/event business but not sure why that would only be seasonal… maybe those bell tent set ups for parties or something I suppose

fieldsofbutterflies · 05/05/2024 16:06

RobBeckettsGiantTeeth · 05/05/2024 16:04

Exactly.

And it's not just the 3.5 years either - she was a SAHM until "a few years into primary school" beforehand, likely not on maternity leave from a job either since she's been free to start this hobby "business" when she decided to return to work.

He's probably been carrying all the financial weight for at least ten years, and is now having to do all the weekend childcare too after all week in a full-time job that he hates.

Show quote history

Yep, but because OP is a woman, she doesn't have five days a week to herself, 52 weeks a year because of "household management".

If it was a man, he would be called a cocklodger at best.

WithACatLikeTread · 05/05/2024 16:07

What is the female version of cocklodger?

Ellie1015 · 05/05/2024 16:10

I would struggle having kids myself all weekend every weekend. Would also resent the fact partner has free time while kids are at school during the week when I have none.

Merryoldgoat · 05/05/2024 16:11

If she's paying herself a wage, that means there's no loss!

Sweet fucking Jesus.

Hairyfairy01 · 05/05/2024 16:12

I'm mainly confused about the cleaner. If you aren't working on a Friday and your kids aren't at school why aren't you cleaning? What happened before the cleaner? Did you have a lovely day hiking or going out to lunch or something and then DH would have to clean on the Saturday? Who pays for this cleaner? And what do you do whilst the cleaner cleans your house?

RobBeckettsGiantTeeth · 05/05/2024 16:12

Merryoldgoat · 05/05/2024 16:11

If she's paying herself a wage, that means there's no loss!

Sweet fucking Jesus.

Embarrassing, isn't it?

WiseKhakiGoose · 05/05/2024 16:12

fieldsofbutterflies · 05/05/2024 16:03

Is his problem that you don’t earn enough money for the family or that he has to look after the kids during weekends

Why does it have to be either of those things? Maybe (like many women on here) he wants to spend some time with his wife and kids at the weekends?

Edited

I agree with you, maybe that's the problem, he wants to spend weekends with his wife and kids full year, not only six months a year.
But he's not telling it to her. Instead, he finds excuses and putting her down because her business doesn't bring more money and is a hobby.

TheGander · 05/05/2024 16:13

WithACatLikeTread · 05/05/2024 16:07

What is the female version of cocklodger?

I’d say probably too rude to spell out , except a lot of mumsnetters seem to like the C word.

fieldsofbutterflies · 05/05/2024 16:15

WiseKhakiGoose · 05/05/2024 16:12

I agree with you, maybe that's the problem, he wants to spend weekends with his wife and kids full year, not only six months a year.
But he's not telling it to her. Instead, he finds excuses and putting her down because her business doesn't bring more money and is a hobby.

Show quote history

Maybe he doesn't feel like he should have to spell it out to her. Or maybe he felt that things would have improved after 3.5 years and that they would start getting their weekends back.

I agree he should speak to her instead of stropping, though.

Merryoldgoat · 05/05/2024 16:17

RobBeckettsGiantTeeth · 05/05/2024 16:12

Embarrassing, isn't it?

Show quote history

It really is.

I don’t expect everyone to be an accountant (obviously) but to be so strident in one’s incorrect assertion is bizarre.

berksandbeyond · 05/05/2024 16:19

WithACatLikeTread · 05/05/2024 16:07

What is the female version of cocklodger?

cuntsponge

Delphinium20 · 05/05/2024 16:19

I am an entrepreneur, so I understand investment/loss/waiting on a profit, etc. I've had to end small businesses I started and go back as a full-time employee several times to make sure I pay my bills and keep my family supported. It hurts to do this, but it's essential to cut your losses before you've sunk too much into something that won't work out (check out Sunk Cost Fallacy). And don't get me wrong, that can HURT...it feels like an emotional gut punch when your much-wished for business is failing and you realize it's a pipe dream.

But, my DH has never had the kind of salary that would allow me to just invest and not ever earn a living. So, in a way you're lucky, but in a way, you're taking advantage of his earning power and with him as your safety net, you will likely never have that drive to push a business into profit or the will to cut your losses before it's too late. I have to earn an income. It's not a choice. The business I loved the most and had to drop is nothing but a defunct website now...it makes me sad, but my kids are fed, the mortgage paid, and we're paying for their university, so not that sad.

I'm currently running 2 businesses, one finally earned a profit this year, the other makes enough where I replaced my old corporate salary and the third is a part-time gig which adds about 10% to my total income. I'm also noodling on a third business venture (tis my nature!).

There've been some tight times...more than once, I did delivery services to bring in enough money when I had losses (client didn't pay, economy fell and our savings were used up).

Being a SAHM with a high-earning DH shelters you a tad from the reality of economic responsibility. I'll be honest, it has the risk of infantilizing women. Don't get me wrong, I actually believe young children do best when parents are full-time caregivers. Despite my need to have my kids in part-time daycare, it wan't my personal ideal, it was a necessity. But, you're putting yourself at risk. What if your DH leaves you, what if all his money disappears? You need something you can rely on to protect yourself and your kids. THAT should be your goal, IMO. Otherwise, you just have an expensive hobby.

Go get advice from a business venture consultant on your business's viability.

Charlize43 · 05/05/2024 16:20

Are you Victoria Beckham?

TiredandKnackeredand · 05/05/2024 16:23

So OP, are you paying yourself £250 per day (2 days a week, 6 months of the year) as an employee of your business?

So for 6 months of the year you’re contributing £2000 per month to your household?

MistressoftheDarkSide · 05/05/2024 16:25

Delphinium20 · 05/05/2024 16:19

I am an entrepreneur, so I understand investment/loss/waiting on a profit, etc. I've had to end small businesses I started and go back as a full-time employee several times to make sure I pay my bills and keep my family supported. It hurts to do this, but it's essential to cut your losses before you've sunk too much into something that won't work out (check out Sunk Cost Fallacy). And don't get me wrong, that can HURT...it feels like an emotional gut punch when your much-wished for business is failing and you realize it's a pipe dream.

But, my DH has never had the kind of salary that would allow me to just invest and not ever earn a living. So, in a way you're lucky, but in a way, you're taking advantage of his earning power and with him as your safety net, you will likely never have that drive to push a business into profit or the will to cut your losses before it's too late. I have to earn an income. It's not a choice. The business I loved the most and had to drop is nothing but a defunct website now...it makes me sad, but my kids are fed, the mortgage paid, and we're paying for their university, so not that sad.

I'm currently running 2 businesses, one finally earned a profit this year, the other makes enough where I replaced my old corporate salary and the third is a part-time gig which adds about 10% to my total income. I'm also noodling on a third business venture (tis my nature!).

There've been some tight times...more than once, I did delivery services to bring in enough money when I had losses (client didn't pay, economy fell and our savings were used up).

Being a SAHM with a high-earning DH shelters you a tad from the reality of economic responsibility. I'll be honest, it has the risk of infantilizing women. Don't get me wrong, I actually believe young children do best when parents are full-time caregivers. Despite my need to have my kids in part-time daycare, it wan't my personal ideal, it was a necessity. But, you're putting yourself at risk. What if your DH leaves you, what if all his money disappears? You need something you can rely on to protect yourself and your kids. THAT should be your goal, IMO. Otherwise, you just have an expensive hobby.

Go get advice from a business venture consultant on your business's viability.

Now that's a post I can respect as some of it is resonant with my own "career".

Unfortunately hindsight is a wonderful thing and because I was in a fog of grief for the last two years, I was too blindsided to sort things properly due to the cheerleading of friends (sic) who had little experience in the field.

My mess only affects me thank God due to my age and circumstances.

But part of the OPs issue is her husband's attitude not just the practicalities and this also needs to be addressed.

Good post though - thank you.

WiseKhakiGoose · 05/05/2024 16:29

laclochette · 05/05/2024 16:00

@WiseKhakiGoose It might not be as negative as he doesn't want to have to look after the kids. There's also the possibility he actually wants to spend time with his wife and kids together as a family for more than just the snatches of tired time after work in the evening!
I was once in a relationship without kids where we only had one day off a week that was common to us both and that was hard enough, it sounds really hard to be ships that pass like this, especially when you have kids!
The OP does say he's annoyed cos he doesn't have the weekends free to himself and if that is his only rationale then that's dickish. But we only have her word for that.

Edited

"There's also the possibility he actually wants to spend time with his wife and kids together as a family for more than just the snatches of tired time after work in the evening!" - I agree with you, but he needs to communicate it clearly to OP, unfortunately he doesn't.

"The OP does say he's annoyed cos he doesn't have the weekends free to himself and if that is his only rationale then that's dickish. " - That's the thing, if OP will drop out her business, then how he plans the family life after? Is he going to spend weekends with her and kids, or he's planning to have all weekends only for himself, no family time because he's tired after working five days a week, while she's doing nothing all week? Is he expecting her to find a full time job so she'll bring equal income home?

ukgot2pot · 05/05/2024 16:35

WiseKhakiGoose · 05/05/2024 15:22

A wage of 12k a year for 52 days of work a year is a great wage! OP wrote this year she's expecting more profit. How much money do you think she should earn for working 52 days a year?

Show quote history

It's highly dependent on how many hours the OP works. If she's working 10 hours every weekend for £11 an hour, I personally don't think this is a great wage, no.

beatrix1234 · 05/05/2024 16:42

Single woman in her 40's here, self employed for the last 20 years. I believe that working for free 3,5 years is insane. If a business make no profit after 6 months you have to close shop and figure other ways of making money (unless of course you have a rich family, a trust fund or a money tree). If you're having the husband financially support you through this unpaid job all this time I too would be very very piss-ed off!