To think it’s not ‘cruel’ to take DD to the gym at 7.30am

[Eastie77Returns]

I attend an early gym class every Saturday morning. I leave the house around 7am.

I leave DS and DD at home with DP. He takes DS to football practice around 9am and DD tags along but she has become increasingly unhappy about having to go. I therefore gave her 2 other choices: come to the gym with with me or stay at home alone for 10/15 minutes as I’m home from the gym by 9.15-am latest. This morning I asked her what she wanted to do (I gave her the options earlier in the week so she had time to consider). She began complaining loudly saying none of the options were good ones and she just wanted me to stay at home with her. I explained that I was not prepared to miss my class and in the end she decided to come with me. As we were leaving DP began muttering that’s it’s unfair and cruel to drag her to a gym at the crack of dawn when Saturday morning should be her down time.

If it makes any difference, it’s a David Lloyd gym. DD is a member and she enjoyed a breakfast in the restaurant area and read a book while I did my class. She played with another girl in the play area and the two of them have signed up for a taster kids class so she was fine. But I’ve now received a text from my dad saying he’s heard (obviously from DP) from that “poor DD is being dragged to a gym on Saturdays” so she can stay with him on Friday evenings if she prefers. Obviously I would be expected to drop off and pick her up. I said no.

AIBU to think this is a load of fuss about absolutely nothing?

Sounds like sibling rivalry - your husband is parenting her brother on Saturday morning, she feels entitled to be parented by you ... it will pass ...

Tough cookies

She either stays on her own for 15 minutes, goes to the gym which she seems happy about even if the novelty wears off or she goes to football.

She does activities on the week she is not neglected.

Gosh all this gentle parenting crap is ruining children. Tell her that's her options and your husband that's the options and that they should both be grateful there is options and it's end of story

I am with you OP. You gave her choices, and she chose to come 🤷‍♀️.

I think the biggest issue is your DH refusing to drive, is he phobic? It utterly sucks being the only person in a household driving, especially in a busy family, you feel like a taxi service and taken for granted. I put up with it for a couple of years and gave my DP an ultimatum - start driving and shift some if the burden off me, or leave because your not doing an equal share.

He passed his test 3 months later! Your DP needs to seek some help for his issues re driving what ever they are.

Honestly I think I'd be encouraging her to stay by herself for 15 minutes . It's a life skill like any others and 15 min is a short amount of time to start with. You could agree that you would ring her as don as class ended while you're travelling home.

We’re David Lloyd members and it’s quite normal for kids 9/10/11 to hang around in the kids area whilst parents are off doing stuff. Nobody at our club would give it a second thought, this is a non-issue! Kids sometimes need to do things they don’t want to do.

Don’t give up your class OP. I’m sure like the majority of parents, your children are your priority 99% of the time. You are allowed an hours exercise! It is always the mothers who have to sacrifice every waking hour to their children and it’s outrageous.

She can come with you or stay home for 15mins. Perfectly acceptable solutions. When you get home and your son and DH is away, you can have brunch with your DD. Everyone is happy.

My kids wouldn't even be awake at that time! I could have gone and come back and they'd never know. Dd was definitely left alone at 11.

Because she has to tag along for one class a week? Mothers are important too.

Not on Mumsnet, it seems. 🙄

She had three acceptable choices: stay at home, go to football practice, go with you. It's not cruel, no. Resist the moral pressure!

So she is still young enough to be scared at being left home alone, you don't leave a child until they are ready. So staying at home is not an option. Making her get up and leave the house at 7.30 every week for your hobby is selfish.

I have no problem with a child being required to fit in with the rest of the family but I do think that 11 year old girls need sleep. Why can't you go to the gym a bit later, after your DP has returned home? You have the car. That way your daughter can get the sleep she requires and you still get a gym session. Also work on your daughter's confidence to be at home for short periods. I know you said upthread that there are nice neighbours she could call on but are they really going to be up and about so early on a Saturday morning? I wouldn't be!

It's not acceptable, the nspcc is very clear you don't leave a child at home alone until they feel ready. All children mature differently.

I’m with you OP.

You gave her the choice, she made it, and then seemed happy enough, even making a new friend.

If her Dad has a problem with it, he can facilitate the necessary changes to what he deems ‘acceptable’.

Not your problem 🤷‍♀️

You should keep going OP. She’s old enough now to be home alone for a short period.

Is there any way you could get your phone out for the last 10-15 mins of your class and tell her you’ll pick up and talk to her if she has any fears at all. You’re right there.

Maybe that would be enough to reassure her?

The NSPCC does important work but is not the law and is not the parent, who knows her child very well. She'll get used to it once she does it more often and realises that the funny noise is just the boiler or whatever.

Could the father and son leave a little later and take an Uber?

I’d also experiment with short periods of her being alone in the house over the weekend at other times as this would build her confidence.

My child felt too scared to cross a yard to go into their music class, with me waving them off, until they did it and got used to it. They have to learn independence - and are more resourceful and resilient than we realise, and perhaps than they realise too. There is a lot of learned helplessness now - very simple things like going to the shop alone making 10-11 year olds anxious - perhaps because they were affected by Covid etc.

Stop presenting it as a choice.

Exactly right. So MN that some people have to find a way to blame men when this is an 11 year old female demanding her own way.

She had several age appropriate choices. It's sounds like it all worked out really well. Just tell your dad she had a great time, made a friend and your DP is being melodramatic. Why on earth is he telling YOUR dad anyway?

I think you've been completely right in this.
How on earth did your father become aware of this? Did your daughter/DH complain to him?

I think if I heard another word about it from either of them, particularly your DH it would be time for some home truths.

It no bad thing for children to grow up understanding that the world doesn't revolve around them and sometimes it's absolutely fair that you have to make choices you might not like to fit in with other people's needs. You are entitled to your gym class, she was given the options and your family are being ridiculous.

It would be interesting to know what sacrifices, if any, your husband makes for his children. It sounds like the expectation to make sacrifices is all on you. I’d also argue it’s a good lessen for your daughter to learn that other people have needs and when people do things for you (extra clubs etc) they should be supported to do the things they want (like your class).

I thought it was rather nice that grandad offered to have her overnight. Why isn't she getting that as an option. She might love it.

Aw, all of your reasoning is sound op but for some reason I still feel sorry for your dd. Saturday mornings should be relaxing for her too. She has been left with two choices - being dragged out of bed early to sit around waiting with randoms or feel anxious at home alone. Poor kid.