To think it’s not ‘cruel’ to take DD to the gym at 7.30am

[Eastie77Returns]

I attend an early gym class every Saturday morning. I leave the house around 7am.

I leave DS and DD at home with DP. He takes DS to football practice around 9am and DD tags along but she has become increasingly unhappy about having to go. I therefore gave her 2 other choices: come to the gym with with me or stay at home alone for 10/15 minutes as I’m home from the gym by 9.15-am latest. This morning I asked her what she wanted to do (I gave her the options earlier in the week so she had time to consider). She began complaining loudly saying none of the options were good ones and she just wanted me to stay at home with her. I explained that I was not prepared to miss my class and in the end she decided to come with me. As we were leaving DP began muttering that’s it’s unfair and cruel to drag her to a gym at the crack of dawn when Saturday morning should be her down time.

If it makes any difference, it’s a David Lloyd gym. DD is a member and she enjoyed a breakfast in the restaurant area and read a book while I did my class. She played with another girl in the play area and the two of them have signed up for a taster kids class so she was fine. But I’ve now received a text from my dad saying he’s heard (obviously from DP) from that “poor DD is being dragged to a gym on Saturdays” so she can stay with him on Friday evenings if she prefers. Obviously I would be expected to drop off and pick her up. I said no.

AIBU to think this is a load of fuss about absolutely nothing?

Ok sorry I was driving so couldn’t reply.

DD is 11. She is fine to be left unsupervised at the gym. It’s David Lloyd, family friendly. She sat in the restaurant and then there is a small racquets area where kids can play Table Tennis etc so she found a friend and played there. When I returned from my class she was all smiles and wanted to sign up to a Padel Tennis class with the girl she has befriended.

Not sure why a PP commented she is nobody’s priority. DD does drama, swimming and football each week. We both spend plenty of time with her outside of those activities and her grandad spoils her rotten. She is a member at DL (which is obvs not cheap) so that we can do some of the family exercise classes together. I think she gets more 1-1 time with me than DS to be honest.

This morning she complained about being tired hence DP’s ‘cruel’ comment. She had the option to stay in bed. I would have been home within 15 mins of DP leaving. She is however very nervous about being left in the house alone.

I’m not giving up my Saturday class. I get very little time to myself and the class specifically helps me with an ongoing health issue I’ve had for years.

@gingercat02@gingercat02.

I did think it seemed a bit mean but with your update maybe you could support her to feel better about being home alone for 15 minutes - could she facetime Grandad?

If she was old enough to be left at home for 10-15 minutes until OP got back I would assume she's not going to be a very young child.

Therefore she could have had her downtime at home, DH and her brother would have still been around, and 10 minutes on her own until OP arrived.

Was there something specific that you absolutely HAD to be there with her for? Was there something she wanted to talk to you about in private? Is there an activity she wants to do but feels there's no time for her? Might be worth just checking with her.

Otherwise, if it's you being there but just for the sake of you being there in the background, and the men chiding you for not being a mummy martyr, nope!

How about granddad takes your ds to football.

She is however very nervous about being left in the house alone.

Can you work on this? Practise (with you sitting in the garden etc) so she knows exactly how long it is? You could set a timer or an alarm on her phone if she has one. Get her dad to set her up with a book or TV show before he leaves etc?

Given your update...

1. Your dd needs to learn the world doesn't revolve around her. At 11 she is more than old enough to stay home alone, in fact I'd go further and say she actively needs to learn to be at that age for 15 mins.

1. Do not give up this class.

1. Firmly tell your dh and your df that you are not the bottom of the pile, and query why they think it's acceptable to think you are.

Reading that she's 11 and it would only be 15 minutes that she's alone for, presuming she has access to a mobile in case of an emergency? I don't think you are unreasonable, time for yourself is important too and she's got 3 different options

Also couldn't she go to the football training initially and then you pick her up once you've finished your class? So she gets a lie in, not on her own and not there for the whole of the football?

At eleven she would be fine at home alone for fifteen minutes, that's probably safer than alone in a gym. Yes David Lloyd but there are risky people in all walks of life and gym staff are not there to watch your daughter and won't. Have you had the conversation about being home alone in the context of she is happy to be alone in public (fine for an eleven year old plenty getting themselves to and from school etc) so why not at home for fifteen minutes? I absolutely understand she wants a restful Saturday morning and her options to her at the moment after get up early and go to the gym with you or go to watch her brother playing football. She's discounting the option that would probably please her the most, irrationally.

Yes this. It’s interesting that DP kicks up a fuss about things but never suggests inconveniencing himself to accommodate whatever change he wants to see. I’ve posted previously about him raising objections to arrangements I’ve made for DD eg for another parent to help me out and drop her to an activity once every 3 weeks (he objected because the parent was male) but he refused to step in and take her to the activity himself. That was apparently my problem to solve.

I agree.

Coming at it from a slightly different direction, does she feel comfortable being home alone for a short while?

I'm wondering if building her confidence a bit might be a way forward. You are not unreasonable to take her at 7:30 but she is not unreasonable to want more of a lie in. Give it a couple of years and you will be back long before she surfaces.

At 11, your daughter is old enough to be at home on her own for a short period of time. It's unreasonable to expect her to be dragged out so early at the weekend, I must say I am surprised you want to be up and about at that time. It's bad enough having to get up early to get ready for school or work! Tell her you are going to the gym and she won't be on her own for long. She can stay in bed if she wants, I would have at her age.

Definitely don’t give up your class.
But if she needs / wants a lie in could dh take her to football and you collect her from football after your class so she’s not there the whole game?

My dad lives an hour away and there is no way he would make it to our house in time to take DS. He’s not really a ‘hands on’ grandparent in the sense that he doesn’t do activities with DC. He loves for them to come and visit but they spend all their time in the house. I’m not complaining, he is elderly, but he definitely wouldn’t be up for travelling around with DS.

If dp is worried about dd having to get up early to do either you he's more than welcome to prioritise staying home with her and ds missing his football.

No? 🤔

Why is everyone else a priority over you in your DP and dad's eyes?

Sounds like she'll be happy to go next time, if she found a friend and enjoyed herself. Problem may be solved.

There are some harsh responses on here, I mean, you’re home by 9.15am and literally have the entire day left to do activities with DD.

Give it a few years and when she descends down the stairs bleary eyes at 11am on a Saturday she won’t have even realised you’ve been gone!

I think the best option is to work on her building up the confidence to stay home. Is the gym far away? If it’s only 15 mins she’s alone for could you chat on hands free on the way home?

At 11 she should either stay home or stop moaning

I'm amazed your 11 yr old is up at 7am on a Saturday quite frankly 😆 I have a 13 & 11 yr old boys and both don't surface until around 10am on a weekend.

Quite right too, rockingbird. I do wonder, however, if the eleven year old child in question is nervous of being alone in the house. I understand that sort of nervousness as I was very like that as a child, and when I was older, but I wouldn't have been so in the morning, only when it got dark. If she does have fears, they do need to be taken into consideration, by both parents. Maybe dad could drop the boy off at football, return home and collect him when he's finished. It can't be that far away. Just a thought.

And therein lies the problem 😊

I’m a bit similar. I’d feel differently about this if it wasn’t so early on a Saturday because I do think children need proper downtime at the weekend and don’t think rushing out at that hour is ideal. If ours are tired they often sleep till 8 or even 9 at the weekend. Is there not another class?

I’m struggling to envisage a child old enough to be left at home who also “ played” at the gym. Perhaps there’s a small crossover …

I think op’s dads offer was lovely and to me is the ideal solution.

I have spoken to her about her fears at being home alone. She cannot point to any specific concern, just doesn’t like being in the house on her own. We have two sets of lovely neighbours who she knows well and could knock on their door at any time not to mention several kids from her class live on our street a few doors away. It’s a quiet, suburban like area and our house is small so it’s not as if she’d be left wandering the lonely halls of Downton Abbey.

So she’s 11 years old, had the option simply to stay in bed if she wanted to, and would have been at home alone for only 10 or 15 minutes if she hadn’t come with you to the gym?

Your partner’s being a twat. Your DD made her own choice. She’s 11, not 5. She can’t possibly expect to dictate how you spend your Saturday morning just because she wants you to stay at home with her while she has a lie in. She didn’t have to come to the gym; she chose to.

As you’ve said - she does plenty of her own activities during the week, she got bought a nice breakfast and had a book to read. There is absolutely no problem here.