To think it’s not ‘cruel’ to take DD to the gym at 7.30am

[Eastie77Returns]

I attend an early gym class every Saturday morning. I leave the house around 7am.

I leave DS and DD at home with DP. He takes DS to football practice around 9am and DD tags along but she has become increasingly unhappy about having to go. I therefore gave her 2 other choices: come to the gym with with me or stay at home alone for 10/15 minutes as I’m home from the gym by 9.15-am latest. This morning I asked her what she wanted to do (I gave her the options earlier in the week so she had time to consider). She began complaining loudly saying none of the options were good ones and she just wanted me to stay at home with her. I explained that I was not prepared to miss my class and in the end she decided to come with me. As we were leaving DP began muttering that’s it’s unfair and cruel to drag her to a gym at the crack of dawn when Saturday morning should be her down time.

If it makes any difference, it’s a David Lloyd gym. DD is a member and she enjoyed a breakfast in the restaurant area and read a book while I did my class. She played with another girl in the play area and the two of them have signed up for a taster kids class so she was fine. But I’ve now received a text from my dad saying he’s heard (obviously from DP) from that “poor DD is being dragged to a gym on Saturdays” so she can stay with him on Friday evenings if she prefers. Obviously I would be expected to drop off and pick her up. I said no.

AIBU to think this is a load of fuss about absolutely nothing?

This!!!! I had to re read the OP several
times after seeing some of the replies

DH is taking DS to his club. That’s for DS. DD is getting dragged out of bed when she doesn’t want to in order
for OP to do a class. That’s not for DD.

I would leave her at home, if the class is important to you. But that’s because I’ve seen how feral 11 year old girls are when left alone at my sports club. It’s not good.

Your partner's an idiot, OP. If he's so concerned, tell him to make your daughter go with him instead. Alternatively, he can pull your son out of football and he can stay home with both of them. Because you need to have things for you, too, and going to the gym at 7:15 on a Saturday morning isn't an unreasonable need to have under the circumstances, especially since it almost certainly leaves the rest of the day open for 'family/kid' obligations.

There were perfectly reasonable options for DD here, including being at home alone for 15 minutes.

🙄

The pearl clutching on this thread!!

The DH could start driving or get an Uber/cab.

But no the mum should give up the one specific exercise class that helps her health issues.

I do either Body Pump or Pilates. Classes are booked via the App and fill up very quickly, this Saturday AM slot is the only one I can reliably book and actually always attend. My week is taken up with FT work, school runs and ferrying the DC to activities (for the benefit of those telling me to just book a different class time)

The 11 year old presumably gets up before 7:30 on a weekday so I don’t feel sorry for her at all. Many kids won’t see staying in bed as a treat until they are older.

After the update about the refusal to drive. 6)3 husband is even more unreasonable. Driving would allow dd to stay at home and OP to go to her class.

She can stay at home alone for a few minutes or she can come with you. Those are the two options and both are very reasonable.

But she had the option to stay at home and only by herself for 15 minutes! She's being a drama queen OP

I don't think you should miss you class and I don't think her brother should miss football. If your DD is happy to walk to school how would timings work out if she walked to the bus with dad and brother and then walked home, would you be back by then? Might even be useful if it means she is home alone for 4 or 5 minutes as that would help prepare her for September but might feel more doable than 15 minutes for her?

All a bit pointless if she's decided she likes coming to the gym but might be worth a thought if she gets bored with the gym after a while.

The problem that needs to be focused on and sorted is DP not driving.

DP could then wait until OP has returned from her class - which clearly has a set start time, not a 'gym session' - and then DP can take DS to football as the car journey is only 20 minutes.

DD then stays asleep all day if she wants, OP gets to do her class, DS plays football and DP gets over whatever is troubling him wrt driving - whether it is fear of actual driving or just DP having become too used to someone else sorting everything out and facilitating him being a bit of an idiot.

Book him some 'update' driving lessons so a qualified instructor can address any issues without DP having to tell you what is really troubling him here.

Everyone happy - only one problem to sort here and that will make everyone's lives easier all round.

Well, yes, because it’s the men, not ‘female’, who are making the comments?

OP seems more than happy dealing with her DD, but not the unnecessary comments and irrelevant opinions of the men

Op- I’ve only read your replies and would like to say well done for your response and keep doing it.

you are role modelling healthy behaviour for your dd in that she sees that you have given equal priority to your health needs and are normalising a mum exercising. Hopefully when she’s older and maybe a mum herself she won’t have to battle the same level of guilt for doing something that benefits her and her health.

i work in a clinic were I see a lot of women suffering ill health in large part because they have never and still don’t feel able to prioritise their health. Keep breaking the cycle and ignore the hysterical men in your life .

Some of the attitudes here towards an 11 year old is shocking.

The kid has been at school all week, getting up early. Homework/clubs perhaps. Is it so bad if she has a bloody lie in?

I would never do this. I'd find another class. My kids come first and I certainly wouldn't be leaving an 11 year old in a cafe/restaurant so I can get my sweat on.

I’m sorry I’ve only read your posts, op, and not the whole thread, but I voted yanbu and after reading the posts, agree 1000 percent. Your daughter sounds like a very privileged young lady, and you are doing the right thing by standing your ground on this class.

Your husband has no right to say anything, given that he’s too scared? Lazy? To drive. Ffs!

Although I understand her not wanting be home alone she has a choice of 3 options.
Admittedly the football option is pants.....but we'll get to that.
I used to take my kids to swimming lessons at 7.30 on a Saturday....now they swim for a club and are regularly up and out at 5am....up to 3 times a week.
There was another girl there....so clearly not the only one up.

But the real issue is your DH not driving.
Have you considered a taxi? I mean how much more than the bus would it be? Compared to a DL membership and lunch in a cafe?
Or a lift share?
Or even.....if you get back 15 mins after they leave, and it's that much quicker to drive, could you drive?

So she has two “not be left home alone” options. And going to the gym is the one she went for. Surely being part of a family is all about learning that sometimes you do things for yourself and sometimes you do things for others.

7:30 isn’t that early. And being slightly bored or inconvenienced one morning a week might actually be good for an 11 year old.

Also hopefully will teach her, when she is older and has relationships that her time and hobbies are important.

You’re being very reasonable OP. I’m also a DL member with an 11 yo! What jumps out at me is the licenced but non driving DH. That is top of the list to address: get him some specialist lessons for older adult licenced drivers who have lost their confidence - it’s a thing.

You told her you are doing your gym class. She can stay home or come with, she chose to come with? I personally would think an 11 yo would rather just stay in bed til long gone 9.30am on a Saturday, so she clearly isn't being dragged anywhere. Ignore your husband. His comments aren't remotely helpful. If he's trying to guilt trip you into stopping your class it's not going to work. Daughter can choose stay home, go football or go to gym. Or you could even let her join a new hobby if she's so bored on Saturdays? That's more autonomy than a lot of children that age get so she shouldn't be complaining. And neither should he.

This

For all we know it's the only chance OP gets to exercise and have time by herself all week.

@Eastie77Returns

So your DD’s grandad lives an hour away - so if she stayed there overnight you’d be expected to drive 2 hours on Friday evening and 2 hours on Saturday morning?? That sounds completely unreasonable!
Well done you for keeping your gym class. It clearly helps you a lot and I don’t think this is something you should compromise on. Your DD had a number of options and chose that option.
However I do think there is something unusual about her fear of being home alone even for 10/15 minutes. I would try to explore this further if I were you as I think this may lead to problems in the future especially once she starts secondary school. She’s clearly not afraid of being alone (you said she walks to school alone) so it seems specific to being home alone. Maybe you could ask her specific questions to try to pinpoint her worries e.g. if you were home by yourself: are you worried about if the doorbell goes about answering it? Are you worried about if there is a problem in the house like the electricity goes off? Are you worried about if something happens and the adult is late home? Etc.

In the meantime, I wonder if perhaps there’s an additional option she could be offered? When DP and DS leave for football, is the following possible? Perhaps she could go on a walk around the neighbourhood for the 15 mins while you are out and get back home at the same time you arrive home? Or maybe she could be given a task to do, like could she walk to the local shop/post office to buy something like a newspaper, or buying some bread or even some sweets or magazine for herself? Then she could arrive home around the time you get home. I don’t think this is a great long-term solution, just a suggestion for the short-term while hopefully you work together on her fears of being home alone.

in fact I'd go further and say she actively needs to learn to be at that age for 15 mins.

//

Agree with this

Have you asked her whether she would like to take up your father's offer? You not wanting to drop her off or pick her up isn't really germane, perhaps your husband could drop her off and you pick her up or vice versa.

OP offered her that, she didn't want it.

Did you the read the bit about DP refusing to drive? No medical reason, not phobic - he just doesn’t want to even though he holds a full, clean license. All of these ‘problems’ could be avoided if he drove. But no - the solution (according to him) is for me to give up my exercise or wait for some indeterminate day when DD feels comfortable at home on her own.

You can lay aside your sympathy for DP. I do most of the kids other activity runs, all of the school runs and 100% of their life admin. The only reason he bothers with the football for DS is because he’s convinced he’s the next Harry Kane after a scout told him DS looks ‘promising’🙄 He doesn’t pitch in for DC’s stuff that doesn’t interest him.

But it’s not “their activity”.

there are 2 acitivites - OP’s, and her son’s. The husband doesn’t have an activity, neither does the grandfather.

The driving thing is a massive issue, yes. It needs resolving.

at no point did I suggest you not do your class - but I don’t think it’s appropriate leaving an 11 year old by herself at a sports club. I think it’s fine for her to be at home though! The thing is your husband, whilst annoying re the driving, is actually
doing something for DS though so he’s not the devil
here.