To think it’s not ‘cruel’ to take DD to the gym at 7.30am

[Eastie77Returns]

I attend an early gym class every Saturday morning. I leave the house around 7am.

I leave DS and DD at home with DP. He takes DS to football practice around 9am and DD tags along but she has become increasingly unhappy about having to go. I therefore gave her 2 other choices: come to the gym with with me or stay at home alone for 10/15 minutes as I’m home from the gym by 9.15-am latest. This morning I asked her what she wanted to do (I gave her the options earlier in the week so she had time to consider). She began complaining loudly saying none of the options were good ones and she just wanted me to stay at home with her. I explained that I was not prepared to miss my class and in the end she decided to come with me. As we were leaving DP began muttering that’s it’s unfair and cruel to drag her to a gym at the crack of dawn when Saturday morning should be her down time.

If it makes any difference, it’s a David Lloyd gym. DD is a member and she enjoyed a breakfast in the restaurant area and read a book while I did my class. She played with another girl in the play area and the two of them have signed up for a taster kids class so she was fine. But I’ve now received a text from my dad saying he’s heard (obviously from DP) from that “poor DD is being dragged to a gym on Saturdays” so she can stay with him on Friday evenings if she prefers. Obviously I would be expected to drop off and pick her up. I said no.

AIBU to think this is a load of fuss about absolutely nothing?

But why is she a poor DD?

I'm another one who had Saturday school. I was up at 7 during school term and working all morning. I don't seem to have been permanently scarred by the experience.

OP YANBU

You must be worn out with all these questions.

OP, honestly, forty-five WHOLE minutes? Per WEEK? To YOURSELF? You MONSTER!

Your daughter is doing just fine - she has loads of activities (my DD does Stagecoach on a Saturday and loves it), she came with you and had a lovely time. You are absolutely right that she will need to build a little resilience to being at home alone. Hopefully if she keeps coming with you she’ll either come to love it, or decide she’d rather be at home alone than be out early. That’s a win win whatever happens.

You having a firm boundary about having that time for yourself / health is SO important and I really respect that you’re sticking to it. It’s all too easy to give it up if you’re not a natural gym bunny.

Your DP seems to be getting a really easy time of things though. Your whole family life would be so much easier if he would drive. Do you ever have to drive him somewhere he wants to be and have to drag the kids with you? If so, stop. That’s his issue to sort out.

I’d be tempted to book a class during the week as well and just leave him to sort out the childcare tbh.

PS - if we could afford a DL membership I’d totally do it - it seems like such a good thing for a family to be able to do together. Enjoy next weeks class!

I don’t think leaving her for 15 minutes is chucking her in at the deep end? Quite the opposite. It’s a short period of time, perfectly adequate for her to start building up her confidence. The deep end would be leaving her for several hours.

September is just around the corner and from that month onwards she will likely be coming home to an empty house at lease once a week. I’m honestly not being dismissive, we’ve talked about it a lot. She has no specific fears beyond just not wanting to be on her own.

'what have you got against exercise? “Do your squats later” you make it sound like a really silly trivial thing.'

Nothing. I exercise, granted not always classes at 7am but I'm very fit. Ive yet to have to take a dc with me though...at 7am on a Saturday..

Oh my god the retrograde attitudes on here. Stick to your guns OP. It's 15 minutes. She'll be fine.

I think it's really interesting that your "D"H is stubbornly digging his heels in because he's irrationally nervous about driving. I wonder where your DD could possibly have got the idea to stubbornly dig her heels in because she's irrationally nervous about staying home alone.

Stay at home with your poor dd and do your squats later on.
Hilarious.
I think the concept of a class timetable seems too difficult to understand 😂😂

Of course you are not being unreasonable OP. I can't quite believe anyone would think you are.

I should definitely like to clarify - I am not suggesting anything. I am merely asking questions in the hope of becoming better educated and seeking enlightenment.

In the event I have caused offence in my search for knowledge, I shall immediately rush off to self-flagellate at the feet of Janiie.

My potential sincerest apologies.

OP, I have read your updates - your DP is the problem.

It sounds as though he doesn't pull his weight, which leaves you feeling frustrated and resentful.

I'd tell him that if he's coming to you with a problem, he'd better suggest a solution - one that doesn't always involve you changing your plans. Also, he needs to start doing his share of the driving.

I feel for your dd as neither option sounds great for her but I think you are quite right OP in that you doing this class is a priority you have to stick to. You being well and healthy is incredibly important for your family as well as you, and if this class is working to help with things that have been problematic in the past then no way should it be the thing that gives.

One small idea that’s probably no good…if you dd has classmates or friendly neighbours on the street could she pop in for a quick visit till you’re back?

@Janiieis being noticeably selective about the posts she replies to. We've yet to see any explanation from her about why she thinks it's so awful for OP's daughter to get up early.

OP is home at 9:15.
Maybe DD could have hers after that?

I always find the RTFT enables me to post an informed response. Try it.

Oh my god the retrograde attitudes on here.

It's actually a combination of retrograde (woman gives up all for the convenience of other family) and the extremes of modern helicopter parenting (catering to any and all whims of children, no matter what).

I'm trying to imagine what either of my parents would have said to me if I insisted that one of them give up something important to them so that I could sleep in and/or not be alone for 15 minutes in my own house at the age of 11.

OP is working on the DD's resilience issue while also looking after her own needs, which is entirely sensible and reasonable.

The over-reactions on this thread are amazing. I've been thoroughly entertained, thanks OP. YANBU btw. It sounds like your 'D'P and 'D'F just want you to martyr yourself on the altar of sainted motherhood while doing sweet FA themselves. Fuck that.

BTW my DH chose not to drive for years. It was a real problem - for me of course, not him. We got an automatic last year after years of having a manual car and suddenly he drives! Can't bloody stop him. It's getting to the point that we need a second car because he's always using it. Not saying that will be the same for your partner but sometimes one small thing tips the balance.

Oh, so the class gets put on at all hours of the day to suit the OP? Thanks for sharing that nugget of wisdom. More bitterness re JL. You need to get out more. Maybe go to the gym? JL even?

@Eastie77Returns I replied earlier, but with new info thought I’d reply again 😊 I definitely think stick to the gym class. With all the ‘poor dd’ stuff from your DP, I’d assumed she was younger. However, at 11yo I’d encourage the 10-15 mins alone. I know she’s anxious, but I think it’s a really good amount of time as a taster to staying home alone and lots of children would be home for a bit alone at that age. Equally, though, she can always come to the gym, but DP needs to be clear either is her choice and it’s not unfair at all! I stand by what I said earlier re you modelling healthy behaviour by going to the gym class.

@Janiie

well if that’s the case then you should know it takes more than a few squats to make an impact to fitness. Op can’t just do the class whenever it has to be the early one and she’s explained why. So glad she’s going to continue 😀 she’s setting a great example to her daughter about fitness and healthy and women not having to be martyrs wouldn’t you say?

You're clearly skilled at mental gymnastics!

Why do people comment when they haven't even read the thread? Here's what the OP said about her partner's refusal to drive: Did you the read the bit about DP refusing to drive? No medical reason, not phobic - he just doesn’t want to even though he holds a full, clean license.

He has no reason for not driving. He just doesn't want to. That's quite pathetic if you ask me. He has abdicated responsibility for ferrying the kids about, leaving it to the OP.

And what is wrong with attending a class with a "kid in toe" (sic)?

Surely the person you need to be dealing with is DH who refuses to drive. There wouldn’t be an issue if he drove

Yeah sorry I think it's a bit mean but I obviously don't know what your Sundays involve or what you do for the rest of Saturday? They're at school all week and I fully believe that kids need at least one day per week to sleep in/rest, relax and do their own thing. If she gets to do that on Sundays or for the rest of Saturday, then def not mean. If your sat afternoon & Sundays are spent doing things as well, then I'd look at leaving her at home sat morning. If you're back within a couple of hours then the chances are most kids would still be asleep!

Erm, it might just be because that's not the case? Just a thought?

Not read the rest of your posts OP but as the daughter of an exercise instructor, I grew up running round leisure clubs, DL included, from the age of 10/11 - my mum worked for herself at all of them within around half an hour drive from our house, so it’s not like the staff at all of them knew me or anything but I was always safe. what you’re doing is absolutely normal. I would find a quiet corner and either read, do homework or chat to any kids that were around - never got breakfast though 😂. My mum would come find me afterwards, no drama. Each to their own but I’d worry about any 11yo who couldn’t be left by herself in a members’ only leisure club. It’s not a hardship, cruel or particularly dangerous.

You keep looking after yourself, OP, and show your daughter that it’s important not to always put other people first. Break the ‘eldest daughter’ cycle! Your partner sounds like a bit of a dick though, sorry! 🤣