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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

To say it's fine to not do favours for someone because you don't like them?

103 replies

sallyinside · 04/05/2024 09:03

Namely my husbands ex partner. He shares children with her. We also share a child.

She made our life very difficult for a long time and still does whenever the opportunity arises. I do not like her as a person, she is selfish, manipulative and generally thinks of no one but herself. There are lots I could go into but specifics aren't important really, I just don't think she's a good person... she's the kind of person who has been arrested in the past for attacking him for context.

I like to stay way way out of their relationship, for my own sanity. The abuse she used to give to him over message and the phone used to really wind me up so I've detached massively and now have absolutely nothing to do with her when I can help it.

However she does have a habit of asking for favors quite often from me if my husband is unable to do what she wants him to (having DSC an extra night or whilst she goes on holiday, collecting them from school on her days etc..) during those times it's like she forgets she's usually hideous about me/us and I'm expected to pitch in and help her. I often do it for DSCs sake and DHs and just roll my eyes at her hypocrisy (shouting how I'm not their mum so shouldn't be alone with them for example but then in the next breath asking for my help when she needs it).

As I say I have always tried to stay well out of it, ive never retaliated other than to have a moan at my husband occasionally about her.

My husband, in my opinion, has a habit of doing anything for an easy life and would prefer to get on with her so goes along with a lot for the sake of not arguing (she's refused access in the past when he hasn't danced to her tune).

The latest request is that her apparent childcare has fallen through for bank holiday and she is "desperate" for someone to have DSC AND her child with her current partner. My husband is also working so guess who's now being asked...!

I've just said no this time. I was planning a day out with my mum and mine and DHs DC and when DH asked I've just been honest and said I don't want to do her a favour. I don't like her so why would I. He thinks I should for harmonies sake I.e. to make his life easier. I think if you're not a nice person people won't want to do you favours so live with it.

Aibu to think you don't have to do anyone a favour if you don't like or get on with them. DSC I could just about justify but her other child?! A cheeky request if there ever was one!

OP posts:
Newname71 · 04/05/2024 09:08

I would have just said “ah, sorry I’m not their mum so I shouldn’t really be left alone with them” but I’m petty like that.

HermioneWeasley · 04/05/2024 09:11

Sounds like you do plenty for the same of him and DSC. On Monday you have plans so you’re not available.

LlynTegid · 04/05/2024 09:13

Picking a child up from school is reasonable, this one you responded no to reasonably and straight away.

I feel sorry for the child who has her as a mother.

Mamette · 04/05/2024 09:16

Of course you’re not unreasonable OP. She has a brass neck for asking. Especially to take the younger one. Don’t feel guilty, just be glad you’re not a doormat. The more you agree to things the more she will ask.

JungleJimmy · 04/05/2024 09:17

You're out on Monday so you can't have them.

If your H wants to help, he can stay home and look after them.

The fact it's her own child with another man that she wants you to look after as well (rather than just your DSC) makes it a complete piss take.

XFiler · 04/05/2024 09:17

yanbu you reap what you sow!

jeaux90 · 04/05/2024 09:21

YANBU you can't as you already have plans. Your DH needs to get in front of this and say no as he's not around, he needs to stop pressuring you.

Everyone is treating you like their personal support human.

StarlightLime · 04/05/2024 09:22

Yes, totally reasonable.

GabriellaMontez · 04/05/2024 09:23

Even if she wasn't unpleasant... you have plans, it's a cheeky request. No.

Bigearringsbigsmile · 04/05/2024 09:23

Yanbu
No!

Dareisayiseethesunshine · 04/05/2024 09:23

Imagine she has another few dc and you have started the free babysitter club now? Def bloody not....

BusyMum47 · 04/05/2024 09:26

Wow. Beyond CF!! Just NO. End of. Your husband needs to be more forceful, though- she may threaten no contact but she'll back down pretty quick as she clearly needs you more than you need her!!

NCprivatelife · 04/05/2024 09:35

It's the kids in the middle of all this I feel sorry for, not the adults who make their own choices. How utterly bizarre for them to have 4 parents, none of whom think it's their job to look after them on the bank holiday, and two half siblings who have nothing to do with each other. They never get to have their whole family together, ever. They are always the extra, the temporary, the contingent, within two different nuclear families. It sucks for them. In any normal situation, one of their actual parents would be making arrangements for their care, instead of trying to palm them off on someone who rejects them on the basis of their half sibling also being present. What a total mess all round for them, and of the making of a bunch of adults who only considered their own wishes when building it for them.

MatildaTheCat · 04/05/2024 09:40

Just say no, you have plans. Then say that since she will now be at home can she have your DC for the day so you can go on a spa day with your mum?

JourneyToThePlacentaOfTheEarth · 04/05/2024 09:42

Why should you have to cancel your plans but your husband doesn't have to cancel his?

WhatNoRaisins · 04/05/2024 09:44

I'd just keep redirecting her back to your DH when she asks for favours. He's the one she shares kids with and you don't owe her anything.

ThewitchesofSussex · 04/05/2024 09:45

No I wouldn't help her, if your husband wants to he needs to book the day off work.
I'd just stop responding to her messages full stop, she needs to realise you are not her friend or babysitter.

funinthesun19 · 04/05/2024 09:46

Yanbu. You’ve helped her out in the past and now you’ve had enough. It’s never too late to start putting up boundaries and stop being a people pleaser.

Even if she was pleasant to you, you still wouldn’t owe her.

You should be able to plan a day out with your family and DC on a day when the dsc are supposed to be with their mum. And your DH should respect that 100% and he should want you to enjoy your day.
He’s a grown arsed man - he can deal with his ex if she gets angry. He should also respect you not wanting to help his ex going forward.

It’s amazing how the parents of the first family just trample all over everyone else sometimes. (for their own gain).

AnneLovesGilbert · 04/05/2024 09:48

I’d stop doing her any favours. And I’d make it clear to him if he keeps prioritising his ex’s feelings over yours he’ll have two exes. Maybe then he’ll care more about what you think. I’m a step mum, I’d find his approach completely pathetic and incredibly unattractive.

midgetastic · 04/05/2024 09:48

You could look after your step son but have a charge for the other child plus expenses ?

Babysitting rates £12 an hour

MotherofChaosandDestruction · 04/05/2024 09:49

YANBU in these circumstances at all. Picking up from school where SDC would be left otherwise, I'd suck up like you say but this, no way. DH can book it off work if he wants to help can't he?

Nanny0gg · 04/05/2024 09:50

If she's always difficult if you don't co-operate why hasn't he got court mandated access?

Willmafrockfit · 04/05/2024 09:52

you made plans

ArseholeCatIsABlackAndWhiteCat · 04/05/2024 09:53

DH can take the day off and look after the kids if it's that important.

Favours are not a right. They are earned by at least being a half decent person.

Springchickenonion · 04/05/2024 09:53

Reply and say yes but only if she can have all the kids including your shared ones with DH tomorrow first....