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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

To say it's fine to not do favours for someone because you don't like them?

103 replies

sallyinside · 04/05/2024 09:03

Namely my husbands ex partner. He shares children with her. We also share a child.

She made our life very difficult for a long time and still does whenever the opportunity arises. I do not like her as a person, she is selfish, manipulative and generally thinks of no one but herself. There are lots I could go into but specifics aren't important really, I just don't think she's a good person... she's the kind of person who has been arrested in the past for attacking him for context.

I like to stay way way out of their relationship, for my own sanity. The abuse she used to give to him over message and the phone used to really wind me up so I've detached massively and now have absolutely nothing to do with her when I can help it.

However she does have a habit of asking for favors quite often from me if my husband is unable to do what she wants him to (having DSC an extra night or whilst she goes on holiday, collecting them from school on her days etc..) during those times it's like she forgets she's usually hideous about me/us and I'm expected to pitch in and help her. I often do it for DSCs sake and DHs and just roll my eyes at her hypocrisy (shouting how I'm not their mum so shouldn't be alone with them for example but then in the next breath asking for my help when she needs it).

As I say I have always tried to stay well out of it, ive never retaliated other than to have a moan at my husband occasionally about her.

My husband, in my opinion, has a habit of doing anything for an easy life and would prefer to get on with her so goes along with a lot for the sake of not arguing (she's refused access in the past when he hasn't danced to her tune).

The latest request is that her apparent childcare has fallen through for bank holiday and she is "desperate" for someone to have DSC AND her child with her current partner. My husband is also working so guess who's now being asked...!

I've just said no this time. I was planning a day out with my mum and mine and DHs DC and when DH asked I've just been honest and said I don't want to do her a favour. I don't like her so why would I. He thinks I should for harmonies sake I.e. to make his life easier. I think if you're not a nice person people won't want to do you favours so live with it.

Aibu to think you don't have to do anyone a favour if you don't like or get on with them. DSC I could just about justify but her other child?! A cheeky request if there ever was one!

OP posts:
muggart · 04/05/2024 09:54

I think she's allowed to ask (although she also needs to accept no as an answer) but your DH is taking the piss by pressuring you and siding with his ex when you have alternative plans and have clearly said no. I would be more annoyed with him in this scenario.

SoftPuppyBlanket · 04/05/2024 09:57

It doesn't matter if OPs only plan was to sit in her pjs all day watching Netflix and eating ice-cream, the ex is a cheeky cow and I wouldn't be looking after her child with the new partner ever.

TeeBee · 04/05/2024 09:58

Just keep saying no until her and your wet blanket DH get the message that you're not their bloody lackey.

AGodawfulsmallaffair · 04/05/2024 10:03

Hell no. Especially as it means letting your mum down.

Takeaways · 04/05/2024 10:04

You have plans, you're not free. Of course you say no. DH can take leave if he wants to have an easy life by doing what she wants.

Lovinglife57 · 04/05/2024 10:06

I wouldn’t call it favours you know what you signed up for and when children are involved it’s about them not you …you sure your not trying to just be awkward

AnneLovesGilbert · 04/05/2024 10:14

Lovinglife57 · 04/05/2024 10:06

I wouldn’t call it favours you know what you signed up for and when children are involved it’s about them not you …you sure your not trying to just be awkward

People who say things like this out themselves as users. You can’t possibly suggest OP owes this violent unpleasant hypocritical woman anything unless you’re defending her behaviour and would request to take the piss like the ex has. Just embarrassing.

ArseholeCatIsABlackAndWhiteCat · 04/05/2024 10:16

Lovinglife57 · 04/05/2024 10:06

I wouldn’t call it favours you know what you signed up for and when children are involved it’s about them not you …you sure your not trying to just be awkward

She signed up to baby sit a child the mother had with another man?

Cherrysoup · 04/05/2024 10:19

No way would I continue to do any favours for her and your Dh should respect this.

zingally · 04/05/2024 10:22

Not your kid(s), not your problem!

Enjoy your bank hol with your mum!

SoftPuppyBlanket · 04/05/2024 10:28

Lovinglife57 · 04/05/2024 10:06

I wouldn’t call it favours you know what you signed up for and when children are involved it’s about them not you …you sure your not trying to just be awkward

Have you even read OPs post?

IvorTheEngineDriver · 04/05/2024 10:28

I can think of no better reason for refusing to do someone a favour.

funinthesun19 · 04/05/2024 10:28

Lovinglife57 · 04/05/2024 10:06

I wouldn’t call it favours you know what you signed up for and when children are involved it’s about them not you …you sure your not trying to just be awkward

Of course it’s a favour to help your husband’s ex.

The parents are more than capable between them to sort their children out. So with you saying it’s about the children, well the parents can be cracking on then.

And you see her as being awkward. Well I see her as deciding not being a people pleaser. Depends on how you want to interpret it.

murasaki · 04/05/2024 10:36

She sounds like the type who will drop the ar your house regardless of you having said no.

ThisNoisyTealLurker · 04/05/2024 10:36

She’s taking the piss! I understand though how difficult it must be with her behaviour plus the fact that there’s a kid involved. I don’t think it should be the case that you don’t like her therefore you won’t do her any favours, but that she needs standing up to when she’s being a cf.
is there something like mediation that could help or some official channel?

Lovinglife57 · 04/05/2024 10:39

AnneLovesGilbert · 04/05/2024 10:14

People who say things like this out themselves as users. You can’t possibly suggest OP owes this violent unpleasant hypocritical woman anything unless you’re defending her behaviour and would request to take the piss like the ex has. Just embarrassing.

Absolutely do not condone violent behaviour..just it’s give and take where children are involved and parents split sorry for any confusion

pictoosh · 04/05/2024 10:39

Yes it's fine. You've got plans so you're not available. That's totally reasonable.
Don't budge on this.

Fathomless · 04/05/2024 10:40

Newname71 · 04/05/2024 09:08

I would have just said “ah, sorry I’m not their mum so I shouldn’t really be left alone with them” but I’m petty like that.

Yes this. She has no respect for you but wants to use you for childcare? No

Lovinglife57 · 04/05/2024 10:40

funinthesun19 · 04/05/2024 10:28

Of course it’s a favour to help your husband’s ex.

The parents are more than capable between them to sort their children out. So with you saying it’s about the children, well the parents can be cracking on then.

And you see her as being awkward. Well I see her as deciding not being a people pleaser. Depends on how you want to interpret it.

I get that I’m sorry I didn’t read the post properly my apologies

Lovinglife57 · 04/05/2024 10:41

SoftPuppyBlanket · 04/05/2024 10:28

Have you even read OPs post?

My apologies I didn’t read it properly

Lovinglife57 · 04/05/2024 10:41

ArseholeCatIsABlackAndWhiteCat · 04/05/2024 10:16

She signed up to baby sit a child the mother had with another man?

My apologies didn’t read it properly

RedHelenB · 04/05/2024 10:43

Of course you don't have to always say yes. If you l8ve your partner though, I'd want what makes theory life easier do personally wouldn't say no fir the same if saying no whether I liked them or not.

Lovinglife57 · 04/05/2024 10:50

Sorry OP I rushed through the post again my apologies….I totally understand how you feel and yes the ex has been unreasonable on many occasions …has there ever been any communication where you can all just talk as adults tell her how you feel about how unreasonable she is at times and ask why you should be expected to do favours …it’s awful when parents split and there is bad feeling from exes and new partners especially where children are involved …is there ant chance of a truce on her part as it seems things cannot carry on like it is if not I guess you have every right to set your boundaries good luck OP sorry again

FeatheryStroker · 04/05/2024 10:56

Lovinglife57 · 04/05/2024 10:06

I wouldn’t call it favours you know what you signed up for and when children are involved it’s about them not you …you sure your not trying to just be awkward

What bollocks.

Why has everything got to be about the children? Other people's children. Why can't the OP and her mum have the day out that they planned? Why must the OP and her mum be at the bottom of the heap?

WhatDaPoint · 04/05/2024 10:58

If it was something I could change I would have them I think. It's a bit shit but what matters is the kids and their relationship with their Dad. The ex is a loose canon and sounds horrible but you can't change that. She is always going to have the 'power' and I think it's easier to accept that and do what you can for the kids. Basically I would completely ignore the fact she is awful and try and stop feeling like I was battling her. (I know that's easier said than done)

I understand that looks like you would be being a complete doormat but I still think it's the best thing for the kids. I'd even welcome having 'her' kid although I'd look at it as having your husbands kids sibling as that sounds much better. I'd also make sure they all had a great day although that might backfire as they might want to keep having you mind them.

Obviously if you can't easily change plans then I wouldn't worry about it.